A
female
age
41-50,
*nifer75
writes:Hi - Thank you for taking the time to read my post. My husband’s work has an annual retreat for 4 days and it has been stated, “Spouses are not welcome.” Would this bother anyone else? My husband and I are having a lot of issues as is - this “retreat” is not helping to make anything better. I had thought my sister’s wedding was the same weekend – he was going to go on the retreat – drive back for the wedding –then drive back to the retreat. (Its 4 hours away). When I asked why he would do all that – why is this retreat so important – he got upset and said, “It’s free food and beer all weekend”. Yeah – I’m upset my husband is excited to go on a trip with other women. The only thing I seem to be good for is to annoy him. I wish I could go on a weekend trip with my friends or sisters or something but currently I am working every single weekend. I've been really depressed - thank you just for letting me vent.But I would appreciate someone else's perspective on this to advise me and ease my mind.
View related questions:
depressed, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I just read your update . Pushed to the ground ? Kicked ??
Physically abused, then. And you worry about the retreat ? Sorry but IMO when violence enters the pic you are not "having problems ", you are done, you've hit the point of no return. It's very brave and loyal that you are resorting to counseling, and I wish you well- but tbh if it were me I would not even bother,....too much effort for holding on to a woman beater ( and cheater too )
A
female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (5 September 2011):
I dislike it when work expect to monopolise your free time. And so does my partner. Especially when they aren't even including the invite to partners; and your follow up confirms that this has lost a few people from attending the event already. -And what gives with phrasing it so rudely that spouses 'aren't welcome'? -I'm sure that there are far more technical ways to convey that they event is 'Grabbit n Scarper Ltd Employees only' or what have you.But that's just it isn't it- it's not just the way that work have conveyed it to you, it's also the way that your partner has presented the event to you.If this was more a case of your partner grumbling that he had to go to some flipping work event when he'd far rather be with you. But your partner seems all too eager to go to any lengths to go to this and doesn't seem worried to miss a w/end with you.And to be fair, maybe he isn't. You said that you've been depressed and working w/ends anyway.so maybe he's in good need of a chance to let his hair loose and get away for a w/end.But... then you also say that he's cheated before and this changes things a lot. I can see why you don't trust him. However, I can also see that- if he's Feeling not trusted, maybe he quite innocently just needs to get away without feeling watched or judged for a few days? It's impossible to know without knowing the situation better... Is your partner not trustworthy or are you still holding him up for something he did a long time in the past?Personally I doubt that I could stay with a partner that cheated on me. Never say never, but I like to think that I'd have enough self-respect to leave. But if you DO choose to stay together the other partner needs to make sincere efforts to reassure you that they are sorry and that they still love you, are honest and trustworthy and that it will never happen again. -That does NOT include 'screaming in your face'! If they can do that, then you need to give him a fair chance. Trust takes time and reassurance to rebuild, but if you really don't feel that you can ever trust him again then the relationship can't make either of you happy.It doesn't sound like either you is able to move on from his cheating. How long has it been since he cheated- and was it a one off 'mistake' or an affair? How long have you been together and is the relationship otherwise good enough to be worth saving?It's good that you have a counselling appointment booked. Give it a go and see if you feel any clearer after giving it a fair shot. But you can't be happy in a relationship where you don't trust the other partner. -And it should be HIM that is making the effort to reassure you and to show you how loyal and trustworthy he is since it was HIM that cheated.I'll be honest though. Anyone that screams in your face, then pushes you to ground and kicks you, let alone having cheated on you- deserves to be shown the door. It doesn't sound like this relationship is making either of you happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 September 2011):
 I just read your update. It looks like your original question is not the problem at all. How long has it been since he cheated on you? Since you have a valid trust issue, I regret to inform you no one's words/advice will make you feel more secure in your relationship. Some people have the ability to recover from infidelity and a lot of people don't. It all depends on your personality and how much value you place on faithfulness/loyalty. Which camp do you belong to? If your husband's work event is striking up this much stress and mistrust, why do you put yourself through all of this?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Yeah, it's okay for him to go without you.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 September 2011):
If you had a healthy happy relationship, you would probably feel fine about him going, and it would be fine for him to go. You wouldn't feel insecure about the fact that he was going on a weekend trip away with other women, because you would feel secure in your relationship and he will have shown himself to be a trustworthy husband, so other woman wouldn't be on his mind. The fact that you are not happy in yourself at the moment and not feeling great in the relationship changes some things, but not others. It is still ok that he goes. Just because he is married doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to do some things on his own, especially if it is work related. It is even ok that he goes out and has fun on his own. What does change is how you feel about it. You are feeling insecure, and you don't trust him. Your lack of trust either comes from you not being trusting, or because you know him to not be trustworthy. Your relationship does not sound like it is in a good place, and it is a good idea to make it better, to make it more of the kind of relationship that you would like it to be. The same can be said for your feelings of insecurity and lack of trust. If they stem from the relationship, learning how to communicate properly with him is one of the best solutions. If it is always something that has affected you, you might need to work on yourself. In either case, counselling for one or both of you can be a helpful option, which is one of many options. Lastly, not to be pessimistic or untrusting, but where did you get the information that "spouses are not welcome"? If that information came from some source inside the company, it is legit. If it came from him, and you were to find out that it isn't actually a company rule, your marriage might be over, so it would be good for you to clarify that one from an objective source.
...............................
A
female
reader, sofrus +, writes (5 September 2011):
Sorry for the misunderstanding, when I said "Now all this is based on the work really saying "spouses are not welcome"" I was talking about MY answer, not your question or your feelings.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Sounds like his company PAYS him for this retreat and he's not using vacation time away from you to do it. Is this correct? These are PAID working days?If so, how can you reasonably expect your husband to boycott this? It's not a fair request. If you don't trust him in general, address that but don't let your insecurities punish HIM. Go work out at the gym or something so you feel better about yourself. Has he cheated in the past?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): That's the problem. I guess so maybe more on me than him. It's not mandatory you go - there are several other people from his company not going for the same reason. (Their wives are upset)
Maybe if he hadn't cheated on me in the past I wouldn't have felt the need to even get advice. We had gotten into an argument the other day and I was trying to talk about it but he kept screaming in my face, Shut the F up". I lost it and screamed back just to be pushed to the ground and kicked. We do have a counseling appointment in two weeks ... I'm just at my wits end and I guess needed someone to talk to. I do hear what you are saying about feeding his ego. I'm just hurt and I guess worried I'll get blindsided. I take my vows seriously and just find it hard to come up with reasons why.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2011):
It's not his fault, if his company says " Spouses not welcome " what's he supposed to do ? Well, I suppose he could skip the retreat and of course they would not fire him for that. But, you never know- that may rub his boss the wrong way and make life difficult at work, he may even be passed up for promotions . " Not a good team player " "He does not fit in ",this type of stuff.
...............................
A
female
reader, nnifer75 +, writes (4 September 2011):
nnifer75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course it is not all based on his work stating spouses are not welcome - there is a lot more to the story and I am feeling insecure that is why I posted on here - I was looking for a different perspective so that I dont' feel so insecure.
...............................
A
female
reader, sofrus +, writes (4 September 2011):
If this is a rule from work, you need to accept it. You are not working everyday, get awaya friend for a day or two during the week. To be angry with a spouse for doing what they have to at work is not a good base to fight from.
Now all this is based on the work really saying "spouses are not welcome"
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 September 2011):
It wouldn't bother me personally. I prefer to keep work and my private life separate and see no need to drag my man or be dragged by him to a boring work-related event. In my experience, the talks are always work-related and really uninteresting to a third party.
As I always say to jealous women - what makes you think that women specifically want YOUR man? Unless he is a Greek God, a CEO or President, chances are, no one is even remotely interested in him. I's just your insecurities making him to be this great catch.
...............................
|
