A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I need to understand what is going on with me as I'm back in the same position I've been in several times before and I've got to break this cycle. The problem is that I only seem to go out with guys who have an emotional disability of some sort. Usually it is something like Asperger's or a similar disorder which means that they have a lot difficulty expressing affection or understanding emotion. Sometimes, the guy does not have an 'diagnosed' disorder but just is very, very cold, witholding and distant. I end up giving and giving and giving and giving and then feeling the bad person because he is 'ill' and I shouldn't push him to show his feelings or be loving. The guy I am with right now for example is not diagnosed as anything but says he has always had problems socially. People just don't like him basically but it is because he acts rude, arrogant and aggressive. He isn't feeling these things but his behaviour ends up this way. It's because he is so full of sensitivities. For example he can hear a tap dripping several rooms away - he is easily overwhelmed and that's what makes him aggressive. I spent months teaching him how important a birthday is to someone (he missed mine) for example. I don't know why I do it and what I gain. I am depressed and self-hating again (this is what happens after being in a relationship like this again) but when I'm alone, I feel like no-one needs me and I'm a waste of space. Right now, my current boyfriend is happy because I have become more and more anxious. I won't go out at the moment because I am so anxious (he looks at other women when we are out and it makes me feel horrible so I don't want to go out). He says he can't help it and it is a reflex. He has become better and is not so obvious about it, but it still happens. But somehow he feels more manly and protective when I am weak and sad and anxious. It is a strange sort of thing because when I am that way, I need him to be more protective and it seems he becomes softer so somehow it always becomes in both our interests for me to be more unhappy and weak.The thing is, he (they) are never 'bad' people in a sense but just very challenging and disturbed people who do grow a little under my love and care but the problem is, I fade as they grow. If I could give and still grow I guess it would be okay but I don't, I always become less than I was before we met - and yet when I'm alone I don't thrive much either, I just exist. At the end of it all, I am unhappy and want a relationship with a balanced guy who wants me to be strong and happy and shows it by his behaviour. How does this happen? I've tried therapy but the twice I've been the therapists seem more confused than me - the second one said I should be a therapist! Basically, I feel I am to blame all the time for pretty much everything and everyone's problems and I think I attract people who need help. When I am alone, I feel unlovable, useless, old and ugly. When I am with someone I feel that 'at least' I am helping someone or at least trying to. I suppose it gives my life purpose. I don't have kids and maybe that's the problem. Right now, I'm sad and tired. My boyfriend has moved into my house and today after an argument (about him looking at women), he told me he won't be so easy to get rid of. I don't know where that came from but it has made me nervous. He's nice again now - he is not violent, just aggressive in his mannerisms or speech sometimes. I don't feel threatened truthfully, and never have by anyone I've been with, I can always defuse someone's aggression and never rise to it. Mostly my partners do get calmer and happier with me and then they seem to naturally move on, or we do. Right now I am directing my current boyfriend back into education and I feel when he is sorted, he will anyway, lose interest in our relationship (he is younger than me as well) so I don't think it will be heavy weather when it's time to split and increasingly, I feel we will have to as I'm not getting happier. My own life is kind of lost and I'm basically sad.I hope I can get more insight into this than I seem to have figured out so far because I really need to bring the focus back to my own life. If I could write a song called 'Lonely and Lost in Another Love', I guess that would just about sum it up.Thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): try dating many differenced guys all at once. Its very difficult at first but can be done. I also always went for guys who seemed protective and nice then when we were an item they were unavailable ( i like to call them emotionality retarded because that is what they are) go out with older guys, younger guys, guys of all races, try to date 4-5 guys at a time then start making your list....believe me after a while you will be so exhaustive from all the juggling you are doing it will be much easier to weed out the needy ones. Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Response:
Thank you so much for your answers.
Post 1: You are right. I do know 'intellectually' by now which guys are withholding but I think the hardest thing is not so much 'filling the time' without them, but being sufficiently motivated to believe filling time with stuff for myself is worthwhile. I've thought about becoming a therapist professionally - thank you for that suggestion, it's one others have suggested in the past and perhaps it's about time I channelled this characteristic in a more professional way but in truth, I'm not excited in a sense by the prospect of doing what I do naturally within the confines of a one hour 'session' with multiple strangers. But maybe... Do you think this characteristic is a 'need' or a 'lack'? I was interested in that. I kind of feel it is a lack on my part, a limit rather than an active desire.
Post 2: I really admire your own battle to find 'self'. It sounds like you're on a good, strong path. And yes, I do see all this stuff is a self-esteem issue with me. And the guys also have self-esteem issues but expressed in a kind of opposite way I guess. I was drawn by the word 'noble' because it made me realise how kind of pathetic my beliefs are (that I am 'saving' anyone). Of course, I am not really, I am just getting a feeling of worth so it is not noble. It is, in a way, selfish. Trying to meet my own 'needs' or hide my own lack. (That I can't/ or am too scared to create a fulfilling life for myself...).
Post 3: Thank you for the list suggestion - I need it tattooed on my hands or engraved in all the mirrors in the house so I remember!! The trick is trying to 'ignore' my normal antennae and do things 'by the book' rather than by how I feel I guess. I have to now recognise that how I feel when I get to know a guy, is unhealthy. I can't go by instinct anymore - but it's a strange feeling ignoring your 'comfort zone' because you are kind of lost in a new world.
Does anyone know a 'trick' for bridging the distance between intellectual awareness of an emotional problem in yourself and the emotional 'shift' needed to change behaviour? The problem is that I have a very high 'threshold' for emotional pain, I am constantly philosophising, trying to understand and balancing my internal experience so that I can cope with the pain I experience. Do you think if you are 'too' emotionally, (well 'strong' is not the right word because it is a weakness to create a life that is ultimately unhappy), but let's say 'brave' (in the moment at least) for want of a better word, that you can tear some of that away and become more angry/disgusted/afraid or whatever you need to be to walk away from people who want to hurt you. How do I get an instinct to run from danger, not an instinct to help it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): At the end of it all, I am unhappy and want a relationship with a balanced guy who wants me to be strong and happy and shows it by his behaviour. How does this happen?-
It happens by not putting up with no less than that. It could take months or years to meet that type of man but if you are willing to settle for challenged men then you won't ever have the relationship you want.
You know by now which men are cold and closed up so stop engaging with them. I think the hardest challenge to that is finding ways to fill up your time on your own because you won't be playing nurse or therapist to your boyfriends. Maybe become a nurse or therapist for real? At least you'll be getting paid and can get that need fulfilled so your personal life will be healthier.
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A
female
reader, Beaurosie  +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hi, I have been through very similar circumstances. I discovered that my husband of 26 years was a Passive/aggressive personality... please re-search this on line. I think that you need to learn to love yourself and then you will demand the love and respect that you deserve, infact once you love and accept yourself you will not be attracting these awful men because you will have a higher esteem and expect a lot more from a man. Please also look on line at www.thesecret.tv it is well worth reading this or buying the book of 'The secret' daily teachings. This book explains that we attract what we are thinking about and how we are feeling... it is the law of attraction, so therefore if you do not have a very high esteem then you will also attract this kind of person. Although this seems very noble of you to try and sort these guys out it is not your job to do this, your job in life is to achieve happiness firstly, if you want to help people then take up a course on counselling and charge for it.. also a good self esteem builder... I really hope this helps, I do understand completely because I am also only just learning to love myself. take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): It's not that you only attract those type of men, but its that those men u give the time of day. Other men u may disregard unknowingly bc they don't have these traits. Its common. The problem could be that ur a nurturer and only want guys who need u or need help. You want to help or feel needed. It could be a male father figure was like this and u seek this out in other men unknowingly. Just make a list of traits u like in men and traits u don't. Write don't serious to minor and use the serious column to exclude would be partners from dating u. Be consciences of what ur doing when ur choosing men. Ask ur self what is it about him. Get to know y u like these things. Repeatedly dating ppl who share the same traits means u are subconsciously singling them out to be with them.
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