A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright everyone, I know I should know the answers to these questions as a 24 year old man but I have not been in the appropriate environments for me as of ywr so please bear with my questions. I am about to date this one lady who is just two years younger than me but I am concerned that she called me a "sweet" in a texted message and I can not help thinking " oh crap! friendzone!!" I never complimented her in any way, gave her any gifts, or even had the chance to open a door for her which I would have if I had the chance(you can tell me if chivalry is a real turn off if I practice it on both women and men because it is just in my nature). I must have been labelled sweet by her because I am passionate about being a public servant as an emt fireman or an armored car security officer in order to save lives during a bank robbery, fire, or medical emergancy but I also come from an enviornment where being a hero is not at all appreciated and is seen as another form of being a pansy. I can be very enraged, aggressive, or violent whenever I see or experience injustice in the world but thats about it and I cant really be dominant outside of assertiveness and leardership roles with other individuals and being a real mystery or puzzle to figure out is not one of my strong suites either. People have extremely abrasive personalities where I grew up in the American south and where I am currently living. Down here males are placed into only two groups of people, the whimps, and the overly aggerssive bullies and defensive aggresion dose not place any points towards your manhood. It wasnt just "nice guys finish last" down here, it was and is "good men dont finish at all" and being a male with a moral bone in your body will get you socially killed. I have even been hazed for not being prejudice agianst blacks, jews, asians, homosexuals, latinos, europeans, native americans, american northerners, non celtic whites(which I am by the way) and those who do not have a confederate blood line going back to the civil war(Im one of General Shermans great nephews for petes sakes!) I left Virginia for Texas and it was the same story but now I am considering Michigan and I was wondering if a healthy social environnment was worth moving for? Can I still be attractive without a synical, jaded, mysterious, dark, or aggressive edge to my personality or are those traits a must have in the dating game? I know that it sounds insane but attraction can be very irrational. This is the only area of myself that I am unconfident with by the way. Thanks.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 October 2012):
I think I lost focus somewhere in your question but you should be careful that you are over analysing the situation..I can't really blame you though. If you are going on a date with her I think you can tell after there if she is into you or not. The fact that a date is "possible" means that you aren't friendzoned...yet :P
It's a tough ordeal trying to filter out the stereotypes but I'm sure if you hang in there you will find someone who is perfect for you. At the very least travelling is healthy and you are going about it the right way. At the core of personality, confidence shines so believe in yourself.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 October 2012):
 The South is by far the most closed-minded/bigoted area of the country, and that includes extreme views of gender roles (men have to be macho and women have to be subservient). Of course that's not everyone in the south, but as a whole the south is the most bigoted area (anywhere in the "bible belt" really). Most big cities will have more to offer in terms of open-mindedness than small ones/rural areas.
Chigirl is right, there is no such thing as friendzone. And sweet is just a compliment to say "hey you're a nice guy, let's keep talking."
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Sweet doesn't imply anything other than she thinks you're sweet. Well, not literally, as I'm sure she hasn't licked your skin and then said "sweet!". But rather, she thinks your persona is sweet.
And: there is no friendzone. True. It doesn't exist. It's just something girls say to guys they aren't interested in. If a girl is interested in a guy it doesn't matter how many years she's been friends with him. The "lets stay friends" line is just a cop-out. The real meaning is "I don't fancy you that way".
Your environment of categorizing men in two types doesn't sound healty though. Have you considered moving? I think I would if I were you... "Im one of General Shermans great nephews for petes sakes!)" Oh big woop, come to Europe, we're all descendants of royals. That beats your general. And since we're pretty much all descendants of them (or even related to them), it's not a big deal here. Heck, I lived with the granddaughter of the Princess of Prussia in a student home a few years back. I hooked her up with a friend of mine, the blue blooded ones really aren't different from anyone else here.
Yes, move! I spent some time in Massachusetts a couple years ago, and altough it seemed less extreme there, my then boyfriend pretty much said it was the same as you describe. You had to be a "tough guy" or else you were nothing. Annoying to have to fake who you are all the time. Try New York, I hear they are much more liberal there. Or just come to Europe.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Thanks, I have a lot going for me and have been called "cute" " smart" and handsome at least tweleve times in my life by differnt individuals. I have everthing that sought after guys have accept verticle hieght(Im only 5 8) and a violent and aggressive personality so I hope that Im in alright shape. Thank you for the encouragement though.
Question asker
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 I can't see how being called sweet can be taken as anything but a compliment, but your explanation of the attitudes of where you have grown up may explain it.
I don't think you're in the friend zone with this lady. Nice/ good guys are very attractive; much more so than macho, bigoted ones!
Hopefully the lady is a bit more enlightened than you expect.
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