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male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes: Hi just looking for some advice. I've become infatuated with my mate's girlfriend. I literally can't stop thinking about her. It should make me feel like a piece of shit and a terrible friend but in all honesty; he treats her like dirt and she deserves so much better than him. They've been together for about 2 years, though he's messed her about so much during their relationship.When they first started seeing each other he refused to commit to anything serious, all so he could get with other girls. I should know, I was there on the nights out when he had his tongue down other girls throats. When he finally did get serious with her it didn't stop him messaging other girls on the sly. One of her mates saw his profile on Tinder which he was still actively using but he told her a barefaced lie that he'd forgotten to de-activate it. She did catch him messaging loads of different women though including his ex and they broke up for about a week before getting back together. Then he went and cheated on her. Again I knew all about it because he asked me to lie for him and tell her that he was with me on the night in question, when really he was hooking up with another girl he'd met on Tinder. Thankfully she didn't have to ask me about it because he fessed up beforehand. I don't think I could have lied to her as I had too much respect for her. Once again they broke up but she forgave him soon after.There's just loads of other things I could list as well, one of the worst was when they went away on holiday together for their 1st anniversary and he spent pretty much the whole time messaging another girl. She said she caught him red handed and there were literally hundreds of messages, some sent during the middle of the night. So he would have been messaging this girl whilst she was asleep next to him. She said the girl knew full well he was with her but they still kept on messaging each other and he said at one stage that he 'wished he was single'. She absolutely hit the roof when she found out and dumped him. I thought that would be it because he'd effectively gotten his 'wish' and was a single man but it didn't take long for them to get back together again. But when I ask him about how things are going with her he never seems happy. He's never had much enthusiasm for their relationship full stop. He says she's 'fun' and 'nice' and that things are 'Alright' in their relationship with a shrug of the shoulders but that's always it. He's never seemed truly happy with her, which is probably why he treats her the way he does. He clearly doesn't love her. He gets bored, strays, gets found out, gets dumped, then decides all of a sudden he wants her back. She'll take him back and then they'll go back into the same cycle again.I'd always thought she was really attractive and my type as it was, but it was when she started working at the gym I go to and we got to know each other better that my feelings for her really began to develop. I didn't even realise she'd gotten a job there at first but we just bumped into each other one night. She'd just taken a job as a Personal Trainer and was as shocked to see me there as I was her. It was awkward at first as we really didn't know each other that well but over time we broke the ice and had some really good conversations here and there, mostly whilst she showed me where I was going wrong with my technique on a lot of the gym machines. But as I got to know her better I realised how much we actually had in common. There's loads I could list, but one of the main really obscure things we both like is unsolved mysteries and unexplained events in history which I find incredible because they are the kinds of things I'd never been able to talk about because I'd never found anyone else interested in that kind of stuff. More than anything though I realised how amazing a person she is. She's just so kind-hearted and positive and always has a smile on her face no matter what. In fact her smile could light up any room. I just feel so sorry for her because she clearly loves my mate so much and has this future mapped out with him but I know he doesn't feel the same way. She said she's hoping to go travelling around the far east in a few years but I know my mate would never do it. He'd never give up his season ticket at Man United or going out drinking and clubbing with his friends. I'd literally jump at the chance to go travelling somewhere like Vietnam. She also said she wants to settle down and start a family but it's another losing battle she'd have to go through. He can't stand kids. He has 2 as it is which he fathered with two other girls when he was a teenager but he's never had anything to do with either and fully admitted to me that he isn't bothered about them. He said he didn't ask for them so they aren't his problem and he couldn't care less what anyone thinks about it. The other week he completely forgot her birthday, it was a joke. He text me a couple of days beforehand and said he didn't have a clue what to get her, even though she'd been crying out for a new Apple Watch after she'd lost her previous one, so in the end I suggested it to him and thanks to Amazon Prime his bacon was saved. I spoke to her in the gym a couple of days later and she was chuffed to bits with it and with him. All I wanted to do was tell her it was all because of me and that he completely forgot but I couldn't bring myself to do it. How could I? But it was probably the first time I felt quite bitter and angry towards him and realised how much he took her for granted. How do you forget your own girlfriend's birthday? She went to so much effort for his birthday as well back in November but got barely anything in return from him. What makes me laugh though is that he's gotten really paranoid about her and told me he checks her phone on the sly all the time to see if she's cheating. He's even asked me to change my days at the gym to when she's working so I can 'keep an eye on her' and make sure she isn't flirting with fit men. We were also in the pub a few nights ago and he started slagging her off after a few pints because apparently she turned him down for sex when they got in bed the night before and even started making comments about her private area to one of our other friends. I had to bite my tongue and go to the bar at that point because I came this close to telling him to shut the f*** up. I was so angry. I couldn't believe he could be so vile and horrible about his own girlfriend. He doesn't deserve her at all.I freely admit I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about what things could be like if we were together instead. I couldn't imagine treating her like my mate does, always putting himself and his needs before hers. I'd literally do anything for her if she was with me. I probably sound completely obsessed and deluded but it's just how I feel. I don't want to mention the 'L' Word but I do know at 24 years old I've never felt this way about any girl before and that for me speaks volumes. She has absolutely no idea how I really feel about her, I guess I've done a good job at hiding it out of respect for my mate. She's also never given me any kind of signs that she sees me as anything more than a friend. For all I know she wouldn't touch me with a bargepole (British phrase, sorry to any Americans) even if she was single. But what do I do? I feel like I'm at a line I can never, ever cross and it just makes me feel so sad. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2023): Ummm you seem to love her but do you have any love for your friend? Are you ready to ruin your friendship over this girl?
To be honest if she's putting up with it she probably has very low self esteem. If they ever break up you can ask your friends permission to date her. But I doubt your friend has no feelings for her. Otherwise he would not keep going back. You'd have to choose between your friendship or a chance with her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2023): You say the girlfriend is dumb to be with such a nasty man. Yet you want to be with a girl who is this dumb and you call this nasty man a friend? Look at yourself before you find fault with others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 May 2023):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE,
Seems like you have outgrown your friend. And maybe it's time to distance yourself from him. He isn't a good person and yes, I do think people will judge you on the company you keep. Which means they think YOU are just like him.
As for his GF. Well, she CHOSE him. She CHOSE to STAY with him after she found out he was chatting up other girls. Don't pursue her. She obviously has bad taste in men, or really low expectations. She HAS to figure out on her own that HE is a piece of shit and she can do better. You (or someone else telling her) is not going to make her have an AHA! moment.
You wrote:
" I had to bite my tongue and go to the bar at that point because I came this close to telling him to shut the f*** up. I was so angry. "
So he talks smack about her and you bit your tongue? Why couldn't you have said:" what kind of piece of shit BF talks like that about his GF? Or ANY woman! What kind of MAN does that?" It wouldn't have been about HER (per se) but a HUGE hint to your "friend" that it's unacceptable behavior.
Not that I think it's your job to teach this guy HOW to be a decent fella, but if you call him a friend, that is what I would do if a friend had talked like that about a partner. Because it's crass.
Lastly, I would suggest you minimize the contact with her. You have an unhealthy crush on her. She is WILLINGLY with an asshat. She isn't who you think she is.
Find someone who ISN"T your "friend's" leftovers.
She doesn't trust him, HE doesn't trust her - not because she is cheating but because he is scummy he presumes others are too.
Definitely distance yourself from this guy. Hang out with other friends. Be too busy with life to hang out with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2023): Maybe you should breakup with your "mate" first. You describe how crudy and degenerate the guy is; yet you've stuck it out with him all the long, and consider someone like that a friend.
Now you covet his girlfriend, and one could suspect you're only his friend to get next to his girlfriend.
You know the code. She has to decide to leave him first; not for you, but because she realizes what a jerk she has for a boyfriend. Just as you should realize what a d!ck you have for a friend, and totally disassociate before his bad-habits rub-off on you! If he trashes women, and neglects his own kids...what kind of a friend is that???
I suggest you first end your friendship with your mate, and stop being his wingman; because it makes you his accomplice when you see him cheating on his girlfriend! Yet you've never seriously done anything, or said anything, to stop it. Basically, waiting on the sidelines for his relationship to end; so you can make your move. Birds of a feather flock together, you're judged by the company you keep. If you consider a man like your buddy a friend, then what does that say about you and the kind of company you keep? How does being a loyal-follower and bystander of a jerk make you any less of a jerk? What does he do for you to earn such loyalty?
I think you should first let your friend know what a rotten boyfriend and person he is being. Then you need to end your friendship.
They have to let their relationship run its course, no matter when that could be. Besides, running from him to you wouldn't say very much about her as a person either! She'd be hunting in the same forest. It's kind of uncool to dump a guy; then immediatey start dating his friend(s). It's just as bad, if he dumped her; and shortly thereafter, started dating her friends. It would look spiteful and petty. It would create drama!
Before you decide to jump on a white horse to go rescue your buddy's girlfriend from him; I think you need to find yourself a better class of male-friends to hangout with. Besides he'll be the angry-shadow always hovering over any romance you'll be attempting with his ex. You'll become mortal enemies, and you won't have much time to initiate a decent romance with her. If she would even want to be with you, knowing you knew all the while what he was doing behind her back and did absolutely nothing to stop it. If you are a friend, you wouldn't let him trash a female like that in your presence.
You need to improve on your choice of friends, my man! Keep your infatuation to yourself, until it wears off. If she wises-up, she should get as far away from either of you as she can.
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