A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi to the helpful people in this forum. I could REALLY use your advice. I am in my mid forties and my partner is in his early fifties. We have been in an LDR now for 3 years, mainly due to family and work reasons, but I have been making plans to move in with him and he is actually looking at two places with great potential this week. We were first loves back in college days and reunited via the internet and although we have had our issues (what couple doesn't), we are both actively working on them. I am based in France and he is in Spain.Please bear with me, will try not to be too long-winded.Some of these issues have been down to trust, or rather a lack of it, in the past. Maybe jealousy, unexpressed feelings, poor communication of needs and expectations etc. Being long distance doesn't help. We email every day, a few times a day, and call each other maybe once or twice a week. He also has a relatively new job which is very long hours and my career is demanding too. So there is very little free time to spend with each other, but it is easier for me to visit him and I do so regularly.I have very strong intuition and I think most women do (men please don't shoot me down for that comment!). Late last year and earlier this year, when I was in France, there were a couple of evenings where he "went off the radar" for hours without telling me and I just had a "feeling" that when he did come back online to apologise and say he had a sudden visit from a friend etc., that he was lying. Just a feeling. There was one night where my intuition was screaming at me that he was cheating on me and I had no reason at all to believe something like that, only, the feeling was so very strong that I was almost physically sick, was pacing the floor and extremely restless. He said he was popping to a friends and would email or call from there. He didn't until 3 hours later, which is not a problem, he is not on my leash like a dog, but it just felt "funny" somehow. Any other time I would not have expected replies or a call, I would just wish him a fun time and forget about it. So I get an email saying he is setting up the internet connection for his friend and it is taking ages and his friend has cooked and the signal is really bad in his friend's place because it is a ground floor flat and he has had to come outside to write the email. That he would write again once he was back home. One hour later again I get a text to tell me he was waiting for the train home and would email shortly. 15 minutes later he emails that he is back home.All sounds perfectly normal right? Only, when I read he was standing outside, I saw him locked in a bathroom. And when he said he was waiting for a train, I knew he wasn't. Call me crazy and unhinged? I had always thought this particular friend lived a 5 minute walk away and had lived in the same house for many years. So I asked my bf where friend lived for him to catch the train and he said, out of town, the other side of the river. He said he had moved house. Ok, fair enough. But I STILL felt strange.Fast forward to now.. am currently visiting my bf... A few nights ago, I ran into the very same friend who cooks for him, the same friend whom he visited on "the night" of my odd feelings. Suddenly I remembered that night. I asked friend where he lived and had he moved house. No, was the answer. I live just around the corner and have been there for 10 years now. Why don't you and bf pop around soon for dinner, it would be lovely to see you both! I asked him had he ever moved (he had wanted to buy a house somewhere but it fell through). He said no, never moved.So.. the question is why would my bf lie about catching a train to see this friend when he lives around the corner? What was he buying time for or hiding? I mentioned this friend to him and where he lives, given that he is just around the corner and we are also looking for a place together and said do you ever use public transport to visit him.. He said no, why would I do that, and there is no stop there anyway, he's a 2 minute walk. I stopped there. I didn't bring up that night. But what should I do? I hope this makes sense and thank you.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 May 2016):
 So basically his reaction to your questions was a "shut up and suck it up, you have nothing to worry about". Which really doesn't help you one bit, does it? It doesn't make you feel like OK he had a reason for leaving me hanging or for that elaborate lie.
Are you going to move where he is? And if so would you be giving up your home? Your job for him? IF so..... I would reconsider THAT for now.
One thing is making up and elaborate lie to make himself seem more "interesting" or "helpful" - but lying? NEVER helps a relationship.
In general does his words match his actions? If he makes a promise to call you *let's say* Sunday. Then does he call you?
When you visit him do you met his friends (I know you have met one at least) but what about the others?
Are there aspects of his life you are not part of (except maybe work)?
When you two HAVE this conversation, try and have it over Skype/Facetime. If possible. That way you can LOOK at him while he gives these "explanations". It might make it a little harder for him to lie to your "face".
LDR's are difficult enough due to geographical distance, lack of physical intimacy and REALLY knowing the other person.
I'm NOT saying you should discount your intuition, but I would instead LISTEN and WATCH him. My guess is, he is a BAD liar, that is why your "antenna" went up over that "friend" across the river story.
And honestly, I think you SHOULD call him out on a blatant lie.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Hi OP.It's Female Anon again.Yes, I would also be concerned with the amount of time he goes off the radar. I have had experience in a relationship just like yours. And the same issues affected my relationship as well.Here is the thing. He is an adult who has a life and is not responsible for checking in with you every minute. You SHOULD trust him regardless. BUT, at the same time, in order for TRUST to be built, he SHOULD check in with you in good faith, showing you he is taking this relationship seriously. His accountability is what you NEED in order to feel safe. In order to feel trust and a bond with him. You do not feel safe and secure with him when he goes MIA. And rightly so. He, on the other hand, may just not see it that way. He might like his freedom and not appreciate having to constantly prove his fidelity when he is doing nothing wrong. Perhaps he is more of a loner type who likes to do his own thing and does not like to check in all the time or maybe he does not even think to do it. It may not cross his mind. So there could be other reasons outside of cheating for his behaviour. You have to get to the root of what those reasons are. And, are the reasons acceptable for you? Or do you think the reasons are just smoke screens to continue his bad behaviour? Only you can determine this.It is easy to let the imagination run wild when you are living separately and living separate lives essentially. There is a lot of freedom to be doing things you are not supposed to do. True. But then again, even in close proximity relationshps or live in relationships, men can and do cheat. So, it is all even in the end.Just be careful that it is not your insecuritie assigning worries to your conscious mind. And making all his actions into cheating. It is easy to convince ourselves of many things if we convince ourselves hard enough. But you see red flags. They add fuel to the fire. And the red flags are legitimate concerns in my opinion. Going MIA for long periods without checking in AND lieing about his friend having moved are red flags. Now, there could BE other reasons for this besides cheating. Keep that in mind. And find out what they are. Then decide if you want to believe those explanations and if you can live with that. Sometimes it is behaviour that puts us off. Like the fact he did not contact you for days. Just that in itself is off putting. Regardless of the fact he may or may not have cheated. Just the fact he did not appear to care about you or say hi or want to know how you are for a few days would make you resentful to say the least. I mean, he is not free to do as he wishes, he is with you, in a relationship. He seems to forget that sometimes. Does he like his freedom too much? Do you think he will be able to handle your living together? Without you cramping HIS style? All questions you need to ask yourself. And HIM.Women tend to want to bond. Pull men closer. Men tend to push away when we get too close. We women need the connection. The accountability. Men need to be men. They need their space. Does not mean they are cheating necessarily. So, sometimes giving them their space is a good thing. With mine, I just backed right off. I found when I did that, he came running back. And it was him who continually sought me out. Funny how that works. You already have space because you are in a long distance relationship and a little space can spice things up. But then again too much space can also ruin things. It seems you need to find the right balance in your relationship. If that is even possible? Make sure you are both on the SAME page with what you want out of this relationship. Have it all out. Tell him what you NEED. And have him do the same. And move forward from there. You will know what to do.Hope it all works out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Thank you again Honeypie. Thank you so much Anonymous. I appreciate your perspectives. My thoughts entirely.. WHY invent a lie? In the past he has "gone off the radar", as I sometimes call it, on one occasion he actually "disappeared" for three days. On the first day I wasn't worried, plus I could see he had read my message. Then after three days of saying, hi, everything ok.. you read my messages but no hi just to say all is ok, I suddenly get a message to inform me that he wasn't ignoring me, he didn't have time to say hi as he had to travel to Madrid to help a friend. He DOES have a lot of friends and is very helpful, but I found it odd he couldn't just say hi. Again, in this case, normally I would think that is normal, but we email each other every day, at least morning and night when not together, it's like a routine.If I go off the radar, he becomes very concerned, even for one day.There have been other incidents of "lost time" where we have been in the middle of an email chat and then he is gone. Poof. Surprise visit from friend. Dragged out by a friend for a beer. Oddly I didn't feel this strange nagging suspicion, even when an email arrived at 2 or 3 am to say sorry, his friend insisted he go for a beer with him. It was rude to keep me hanging on in Messenger as he didn't log out so I was slightly concerned about him, but not to any major extent.I am out of town on business till later this evening and it was bugging me badly last night so I dropped him an email. He was hostile and defensive about my question, which I thought odd as well. He said we would talk today and he would explain everything, but I need to stop worrying and relax and he loves me. Same stuff he said when he disappeared for 3 days on the trot and I never got an explanation for that and it was forgotten in time. Well I will see him later and plan to get an answer. Trust is everything and he has given me reasons not to trust him, but I thought we were working on getting closer and being open and honest. If he can't do that this evening, I will take my case of things and leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Here is another perspective. WHY would he have to invent such a lie? I mean, if he was at his friend's close by fixing the internet and having a bit of supper, then why would he say his friend lived far away? It seems to me that he was trying to explain away the length of time he was at his "friend's" place.Now, does he KNOW you have trust issues with him? Does he KNOW you already don't trust him? If so, he may have feared a back lash from you if he had taken too long at his friend's place. He may have been on the offensive and have said this not to worry you. He may know that you might jump to conclusions. So that you did not think he was up to no good. Possible? If he was thinking along those lines. Sometimes we tell little white lies (or what we tell ourselves are white lies) to protect another person or the relationship. We think they are harmless but in fact telling any lie, big or smnall, is not harmless. It is always best to be completely honest. And you may have pereceived it to be a big lie but to him it was not. So, in your own mind, you have decided it's a big lie so being a big lie, there must be some sort of grand deception associated with it.I get it. It is hard not to be integrated into each other's lives where you are closer and able to feel more connected. This all nurtures and builds the bond of trust. You are away from each other often and this breeds mistrust sometimes. This is perfectly natural. You both do not know what the other is doing a lot of the time. So you must trust them. And this is not easy for anyone but especially couples in your situation. I think you need to have a talk before you take this relationship to the next level. A talk about honesty and trust. I think if you are able to work it out, then hopefully things will improve once you start living together and feel more comfortable with each other. Proximity does build trust. But if trust is not there to begin with, it may not help as much as you'd like it to.My feeling when he went to help his "friend" would have been did he actually help that friend he spoke of? Or was he using that friend as a "front" for a female friend he had some kind of liaison with that day? I would think to myself that maybe he was over at some female's place messing around and used his friend and the internet and supper he made as a smoke screen to throw you off the trail. You need to consider that too. Yes, could be imagination. Could also be the truth. Gut feelings are a funny thing. They could turn out to be the result of paranoia and one's imagination but they could just as well turn out to be your own worst fears coming true. There is no way of knowing without proof. And unfortunately that moment has passed. So, whatever he did, if he did it, is forever lost in the past. Now, you must look to the future. Are you going to be able to live with him peacefully? Or are you going to find yourself monitoring his whereabouts? Asking friends where he has been? Perhaps following him? Are you going to drive yourself insane trying to find out if he is cheating on you? Fears like this just do not disappear overnight. If you have them now, you are likely to have them once you move in with him. Perhaps they will even be worse then. Just some food for thought. You will need to resolve the trust issues before you move forward. Otherwise, I fear they will only get worse.The fact he lied at all is not a good thing. It does not matter if he thought the lie was harmless and even if it was, you did not think so. If it was me, I would say something about that day. Up to you if you want to bury it. Either way, he is not going to give you another explanation. He will stick to his lie. I guess my strategy would be to let him know that I know he lied. So that he is aware that I know. At least I would be honest. So that he knows his lying won't be tolerated in the future. I know from experience that trusting someone is an uphill battle. More with yourself than anyone else. Sometimes no matter what the other person says or does, you can still never trust them. And it becomes very exhausting and depleting to have to always worry about them harming you in some way and especially cheating, which is the worst of all possibilities.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2016):
Hopefully he will be honest with you.
If he did indeed lie, he IS the one creating the mistrust. And I think that is important to make him aware off.
He could be person who DOES lie a lot for whatever reason. There might even be NO GOOD reason to lie, but he does it anyways. And then you have to decide if that is OK for you or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): Hi Honeypie, thanks for your reply. Yes, definitely the same friend. I double-checked his message.You could be right that I overthink things, my job involves a lot of data analysis. Maybe I am overthinking this whole situation. I just don't understand why someone over 50 would make up a story about taking a train and that his friend lives somewhere else for no good reason. Or maybe I really don't know him well at all and he has some kind of compulsive lying issue. There have been previous lies used to cover up some other stuff he didn't want me to know about.This needs to be talked about with him and time to put the moving in on hold. Thanks.... why am I with him if I don't trust him... a good question... We are working on trust and being open and communicating better. But then this was like a reminder that I could be making a mistake.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2016):
Maybe this is not about him cheating, but him trying to make himself seem more "interesting". That he isn't sitting at home e-mailing you all the time, but that he goes hang out and be social.
Basically, THAT he has a life.
No one wants to seem dull to their partner.
My thing with your post though is this, IF there is such a BIG lack of trust from your side, do you REALLY think living together is the right thing?
I read an "relationship" article that said most relationships ends over things that went wrong in the beginning. And I agree with that. That in the beginning "we" cut out partners more slack than we do later on. Like we don't get AS upset of he shows up 15 minutes late (in the beginning) as we do later on, because it turns out that it's a habit, not an occasional thing.
I also think you WAY overthink, over-analyse and let your imagination run a BIT too wild. You have absolutely NOTHING that backs up all your "wild notions" that you create in your head. Not that I don't believe in your intuition, I just think you let your imagination run "too free" with 0 back up. And THAT is YOU sabotaging the relationship because you mistrust him because you "spider senses" tingled and told you a different version.
If you REALLY think your intuition is right, and there IS grounds for you to not trust him or that he CAN be cheating - then WHY are you with him? It sounds really unhealthy.
And lastly, are you sure it was the SAME friend he was talking about? 100% sure?
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