A
female
age
30-35,
*ovestuck
writes:Hi, hoping for advice on how to get my husband to become more mature? Handle more adult tasks? I feel like I'm his mother more than anything and I hate having to remind him or "nag" him. I was living in my own place when we got married and he moved from his parents house straight in with my after we wed. I probably caused the issue because I always handled everything. But I'd like to wean him off of his dependence on me to do it all and take some responsibility. But do this in a way that's constructive.Just one example is:I tried to get him to switch a few medical bulls of his over to our account with a company that handles the payment plans. He said no problem and I didn't concern myself with it. Then later we get notices in the mail saying that due to the lack of us transferring the accounts they have gone to collections! He just doesn't see the seriousness in his lack of responsibility. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 May 2016):
 I've been with my husband for 20 years and there are still things he doesn't "just" do, but I have come to a point where if I NEED something done I do't ask... I TELL him; "hey honey, take out the trash, THANK YOU!" And it works. It's not nagging.
I haven't washed his clothes in close to a decade. We have a hamper in the bedroom and one in the bathroom. And for whatever reason he couldn't be "bothered" to put his clothes IN the hamper but would leave them ALL over the floors. So one day I decided, OK enough. If the clothes doesn't go in the hamper, I'm NOT going to pick them up, put them in the hamper, carry them to the laundry room, wash, fold and put them away any more. So I stopped. Nothing changed, he would ask why he didn't have any more clean socks or whatnots and I told him... If you WON'T put dirty clothes in the hamper, I WON'T wash them.
So 10 years later... HE still drops his clothes where ever and he STILL washes his own clothes.
Now the KIDS!!! have learned that dirty clothes goes IN the hamper and the hamper goes DOWN the basement to the laundry room OR.... they don't get washed.
The other day he was changing the faucet in the bathroom and left a BIG OLD mess after he was done. Tools everywhere, parts from the old faucet every where etc. What I did was tell him,;"honey you left a mess in the bathroom". It might seem petty of me, but I am NOT going to run around behind him and pick up. He DID go pick up. Reluctantly. My guess is my husband KNOWS what would happen if he didn't. I would LEAVE the mess (which is extremely hard for me to do, I don't like clutter or messes where they don't belong).
I agree with the sentiment DO NOT NAG! It will get you nowhere. Make a list with *example* 6 things on it, tell him: "honey, I need the floor vacuumed and the trash taken out, thank you". And then you go about your business doing YOUR share.
You DID make the mistake of taking care of EVERYTHING when he first moved in. But that doesn't mean you are now STUCK in that role.
Sit down with him and MAKE a budget. He might never have done that before, so it will be a good lesson for him to learn.
And sit him down and make a chore-list (put it on the fridge afterwards) What needs done which days and who is responsible. And I WOULD make it PERFECTLY clear that you are NOT the live-in maid. That you are 1/2 the couple and shouldn't do ALL of the housework. It's ridiculous.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2016):
 While I feel like the grown up in my marriage (I handled everything and my husband moved in to my home when we married) I get your husband's "dropping the ball"
My husband gets it too... as i have severe ADHD and he has learned to preface everything with "make yourself a reminder to...[insert task] on [insert date and time}
My phone has become my lifeline for that.
But I get your POV too...just this morning before I left for work I left my husband two sticky notes
one on the dishwasher that says "empty me"
and one one his cell phone that says "did I check unemployment"
it may piss him off that i do these things but I don't care.
It took me a total of TWO time to train him to go to the basement and get his own laundry (I wash and dry it and put it in the basket for him but I have stopped carrying it up for him, after a week of "where are my sweatpants" he learned.
Yesterday he went and got it without my telling him to.
As a caretaker, it's hard for me to let things go so I settle for baby steps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): My husband is not irresponsible financially, but if we leave out money and cars everything else pretty much used to be my responsibility (housework, shopping, cat, making appointments, cooking...).Nip It In The Bud. I waited for over a decade for him to see the light and it was my fault since I thought that he would somehow become more mature. When I changed my attitude we went through a phase of hell when we would fight all the time. He felt that he was being punished somehow all of a sudden and I went crazy each time that he wouldn't do what he said he would. So, PUT EVERYTHING ON PAPER. Seriously. All the bills and other financial obligations, have a clear picture and decide together how and when to handle it. Cross off the list what's been done. Visibility is the key. Now, this is just the first step.I was honestly prepared to leave my husband if he hadn't changed. I know I let him be the way he was, but I couldn't stand it anymore.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 My girlfriend had a similar irresponsible husband when it came to handling finances, paying bills, and equally didn’t see the seriousness. So what did she do?
Believe it or not, she placed a notice in the paper that stated she was exempt, not responsible for any debts etc. past present future held in her husband’s name. This saved her credit rating to get bank loans in the future to buy a house.
She had an exemplary credit rating as a single person, but once she got married, it was the husband’s credit rating that mattered to the bank.
If you have your own place now, then there may well be instances in the future where you’ll need to have a clean record?
I’d impress upon him the consequences of his neglect; arousing the attention of Collections Office is not a good way to start a marriage. As the only thing he’s ever going to build in your marriage is a letterbox big enough for all the overdue payments :(
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 I wouldn't condemn him for one error - but I guess there is more to the tale. You have two options - at least two. You can assume financial control; get him to pay his salary into your account, and give him pocket money. Or you can divide your financial situation so he has to be responsible for his own situation. Things like mortgages can be paid by direct debit. In essence you are saying look after yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): You've chosen a very immature partner. He lived with his parents until he moved-in with you, so his life has been on automatic-pilot until now.
You have to sit down with him; and you have to do things together. Not offer him assignments or chores, and forget about it. He'll do the same, forget about it. He's not used to responsibility, he's a big kid. So, if you plan to keep him around; you'll have to coach him and teach him what you expect from him. You can't have kids until your man is mature enough to be a father. If you couldn't see it before you married him; then he's not the only one immature in this situation.
You really shouldn't have to teach a man in his 20's how to take care of himself. It appears you rushed into marriage and didn't completely know the man you were marrying. Now all of a sudden you want to know how to fast-forward his level of maturity. It's only going to happen over time, and through trial and error. You will have to be a mother, teacher, coach, and a wife. His parents spoiled him, and raised him in his room. He's probably very intelligent and technologically adept; but his arrested psychological-development, is due to an over-protective environment.
He grew-up in the basement; or lived in his bedroom too long.
Necessity dictates everything. He will mature quickly; because he has no choice. He has a wife and home now.
Do not nag! Ask that he do something. Request him to let you know when it's done; or ask if he'd like you to show him how it's done. Don't assume a lot of things, he can't do what he's never done before.
Don't condescend, but be firm. You can't be wishy-washy, or he'll dismiss the task; and wait to be nagged into it. He's got to adapt to married-life. He hasn't lived on his own, and now this is all dumped in his lap. Be patient, supportive, and loving. You married him for a reason.
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