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Do I have a right to feel disrespected, or wondering if any loyalty exists, anymore, between us?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 May 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2016)
A female Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

What would YOU think? How would YOU feel? How would YOU react?

Couple months ago made friends with a woman.

Weve gone for coffee. Visited, visited others together, gone for walks, just spent time together, getting to know each other. A couple arguments but got through them, gotten to know each other better. Just friends.

Less than 2 weeks ago, I run into an old friend of mine.

Known him over 15 years. Was good to see him again as I havent seen him for a few years, thought he had moved away.

We spend a few days together, hanging out, catching up. Its good. Just friends.

Wed may 18, I bring my friend M (female friend) down to meet J (male friend). Im thinking it’s a good idea cause she hardly knows anyone, and theyre both newfies so I thought theyd get along.

I had NO IDEA that J would be soooo rude to M. making fun of her by telling lies, telling her she has to prostitute for him, and just a bunch of other crap, making fun of her naiveté.

I tried to tell him to stop, but he went on with this for awhile. She had no idea he was making fun of her, she just kinda played along, and giggled, etc. but I did tell her he was lieing.

We eventually came back to my house and at one point J kept touching me. I told him to stop. He didn’t for awhile.

He eventually left, then called me from his house asking me to sleep with him.

He had asked this before. I have never once even flirted with him, not years ago, not lately. During the evening M mentioned a few times why arent J and I together, in front of him, which I thought was rude considering I teased her ONCE about a male friend of hers I met and she got upset at me.

She brought this up in front of him a few times, saying what a nice guy he was. Later arguing with me about how wrong I am for not being with him because hes a nice guy, because hes a newfie.

I tried to tell her hes disrespectful, but eventually gave up, didn’t want to argue. She also said in front of him that I got mad at her a few weeks ago, which I did, but that is none of his business either. She told him what I said to her, making me out to be the rude one, but of course didn’t mention what she had been doing before I got mad at her.

I just ignored this, apologized again (AGAIN) which she has not done.

Also, that night (wed) I had asked M to call a male friend of mine that I had feelings for.

She agreed to no problem, which was nice of her. But then she started flirting with him on the phone telling him he sounds sexy and how handsome he is , asked him what he was wearing.

That made me uncomfortable so I interrupted with a written note on what to say to him.

J came over Thursday morning to see if M spent the night (she is bisexual) which is none of his business.

He stayed about half an hour, then left.

I worked Friday and Saturday. Talked to M on the phone sat after work. She asked me if I wanted to go visit J. I said no.

she said she was talking to her sister (her sis was at her house visiting her) about going to visit J, the two of them. M had also asked me if J was camping. I have not heard from her since then/yesterday about 4pm. I also have not heard from J since Thursday morning. It is Sunday 3:30, I texted M and tried to call her a couple hours ago, no answer, which is unusual. She usually gets back to me right away most of the time.

I feel like J would only sleep with her to make me mad, but not in the way he hopes/not jealous, but angry that he would use her after he has shown me what little he thinks of her.

And for her to think he is such a great guy, well, what can I say?

Even though I am only friends with them both (never was, never will be more with either of them) do I have a right to feel disrespected, or wondering where any loyalty is? I'm thinking I need to find new friends....

View related questions: flirt, jealous, prostitute, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016):

Well, I have to say , all of this advice has been very helpful. I really do appreciate it. THANK YOU all!

I HAVE been a supportive and respectful friend to her, and I have been there for her many times already when mistakes have been made. Ive talked with her, listened to her for hours at times about her relationships. And no she doesn’t have to listen to me, but she has cried many times and asked me to help her. When I try to, well, it doesn’t work. All I can do is prepare myself to be there when I see disaster coming. There have been times I could have used a friend but turning to her wasn’t really an option, as she always had a more important issue (but that’s another story) I don’t want to go on about it, and we are all entitled to our own opinions, but as I got to know her, I felt bad that she struggled, saw she had a good heart, and tried to help,,,,. Protect her even. But now ive also seen she has no boundaries when it comes to men, so I can never really trust her around men I AM interested in. a few other things she has said and done make me wonder if I am the fool and she is not the sweet and innocent person I thought she was…either way, its just not worth it anymore. And if the two of them got together, are still together, or stay together….they can do all that away from me, cause im done with both of them!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016):

Your friends sleeping together isn't any kind of reflection on you and neither of them is putting you down. Your friend, M, has known J a matter of days and has rose tinted spectacles on. She likes him because she's attracted to him. At least she sounded you out to gauge how interested you were and avoid treading on your toes.

You reconnected with J less than a fortnight ago so he's hardly a close friend and a bit of a creep by all accounts. M is besotted with him and overlooks that but I doubt they're spending any time discussing you because they'll be busy doing other things!

Yes you can say "I told you so" to M if she's heartbroken although it's too early to say that will happen and J can be removed from your life as quickly as he came back into it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (23 May 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, if you are going to feel disrespected any time that a person has a different opinion from yours, or that refuses to head your advice , then I am afraid that you are going to feel disrespected for the rest of your life !

I am referring to the female friend, but i'll get to the male friend too.

So : she thinks J is a nice guy, you think that he is not. Fine- let HIM prove to her that she is wrong and he's not nice. She only has your opinion to go by, and , as much as she may trust it, she wants to go check in person, a ) because when hormons call, the voice of prudence is easily drowned, even if it comes from a good friend , b ) because not necessarily this guy J will treat her just like he treated to you or relate to her the same way as to you. A jerk is never a jerk absolutely, only in relationship to another person. You never now, J might even fall crazily in love, or crazily in lust, with your friend M , so he might be perfectly nice to her, or ,... just as nice as she is content with. What you call being rude and disrespectful,... obviously she does not mind as much. Maybe she found him funny , and to her it was all sexy banter, a turn on.

She is a grown up woman, she is free to make her own sexual choices and she does not have to show you ( or anybody ) her loyalty by limiting these choices only to men you approve of. She is entitled to follow her own counsel , even if you know better. Same as she would be entitled to choose her food, even if you know it's not the best for her. If she eats cake even when you told her that cake goes straight to her thighs,... would you feel disrespected ?.

You say that this woman has a track record of making disastrous choices in men, and then coming to cry on your shoulder, and you can see it happening this time too.

Well, IMO a good friend is someone who supports you and comforts you whether you are right or wrong; someone who gives support because you NEED it, not because you deserve it. But if you do not have such a level of tolerance and generosity in you, that's fine too,- all you've got to do when she comes to cry on your shoulder is to tell her : "No, sorry, no shoulder this time, I told you so ! I am a having hard time showing compassion for the fix you are in now, when you had been given all the tools to avoid precisely this fix ".

Anyway , in short, you introduced two people to each other- it seems that they might be mutually attracted, and perhaps ( just perhaps ) they will act upon their mutual attraction. Where's the disrespect ?

You aren't romantically or sexually involved with either one, nor you ever were in the past,nor you hinted that you might be in the future - so if these two people just want to follow the voice of their heart, or of their sexual instincts , they have no social or moral obligations to consult you about it first.

As for the man, J, that's more of a gray area . What I do find disrespectful is that he ( probably ) feigned friendship with you when in fact he was only interested in something sexual. At least so it would seem, hearing that you turned him down and he has become distant .

If he acted and talked in a way to make you reasonably assume that he was interested in you as a person, and in your companionship, when he only wanted a roll in the hay , not receiving which he makes himself scarce at once, yes that I would feel it's disrespectful. Then again, isn't it a bit early to say that ? After all you spoke to him on Tuesday and wrote to DC on Sunday, so it's only a few days that you don't hear from him and there could many good reasons why he has not been so present recently.

In conclusion, though, and since you quote in your posts, beside these people's mutual attraction, several other incidents which I could not quite make sense of, but that clearly bother you and upset you, I can't help wondering the same as Honeypie : why do you keep BOTH around ? At the end of the day, it does not really matter who's right who's wrong, or if these two have the right to shag under your nose etc.- what matters is that if this two people help you create so much drama, and stir up in you so much aggravation, their presence in your life is not positive and can be easily disposed of.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 May 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIf a person isn't a positive influence in your life ( that seems to go for BOTH of them) then why keep them around?

It seems to create more drama than anything and it's not making you happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016):

I wont have sex with him so one neither will talk to me? I come here for support because im hurting, and I get put down here too. wow, I must really be an idiot.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016):

I don’t care that they got together :that way”. I am sorry if I sound childish, I have a hard time explaining. But since I met her she has had nothing but issues with relationships, and has cried many times to me about them. she keeps doing the same thing, and turning to me for help.ive been supportive. She keeps trying to tell me she knows J, and im wrong about him.. I feel there is no trust here, she doesn’t believe what im saying to her;I know nothing. She cries about people hurting her then sleeps with everyone anyway. She tells me hes a nice guy when hes treating her and I both like crap. She tells me I should be with him, in front of him, when she would never accept this behaviour from me. She is telling him hes a great guy, when im over here trying to tell him hes rude and disrespectful. She is not supporting me as a friend, she is supporting the way he has treated us both. She is running to him for “whatever two consenting adults choose to do” and im sure he thinks this is great. After the other day, I clearly see that I cant trust her with anything personal, she will blab, and I get pissed off when I think he could ask her anything about me and she will tell him.And I refuse to be there for her when she is crying over this escapade. She has no respect for herself. I had no idea she would flirt with my other male friend, on the phone. There are reasons I couldn’t call him myself. She just doesn’t care who it is she sleeps with obviously, so I cant introduce her to anyone. I didn’t know that NOONE is off limits to her. Now I do.

Him ive known for years. I am disappointed. I thought he was better than this. Again, he can sleep with whoever he wants, but ive seen things recently I don’t like. Him treating her like an idiot, regardless of whether she fell for it or not, he was making fun of her, laughing in her face,. Also, I thought we were friends, but since ive turned him down , he doesn’t come around. He has tried to hug me and kiss me, he has touched my leg repeatedly, and has told me im cold hearted for not responding. He tries to force himself on me, and it upsets me. Then tries to tell me theres something wrong with me. My gf seemingly agrees with this as she states clearly in front of him what a great guy he is, and how wrong I am. That I should be with him. To me, its like they are both putting me down. Him telling me theres something wrong with me cause I wont sleep with him, and her basically saying the same thing, then sleeping with him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (23 May 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI had to scroll back up to check your age...

You story seems like it was written by a middle schooler, not a grown woman.

1. You have a FRIEND call a guy to let him know you like him? That needs to stop. IF you like a guy you NEED to woman up and talk to him yourself.

2. M and J are both grown people and can choose to like each other, sleep with each other, hang out etc. with or without you. If M is silly enough to think J is a good guy, that is on her.

3. I don't really see why you feel disrespected. JUST because you introduced them to each other doesn't mean you have some kind of "right" to their company or control over how they feel and what they do.

I think you ALL.... need to grow up!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016):

I don't see how your friends have been disloyal or disrespectful to you.

The gist of your post is you introduced them. They flirted. You got angry so J assumed that meant you were interested in him. You aren't so you rejected him. M checked out your interest in J by suggesting you get together. You told her plainly he wasn't for you. So they hooked up together (presumably) and you feel this is disloyal? Why?

Admittedly J's attempts at seduction are not to my taste and but they are single, consenting adults so there's nothing stopping them doing whatever they want. M's old enough to know what shes doing and women don't have to be in love to have sex. You assume it's all about you but it isn't.

M does sound like a bit of a flirt but why did you ask her to ring a guy that you liked? What stopped you ringing him?

Introducing friends to each other can be a mine field but you can't control what they do together nor should you try. If you don't want things like this to happen don't introduce people in future.

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