| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I'm getting married and well, of course I'm excited.My fiancee is great. He truly is. But I have a bit of a problem regarding the bachelor party.I don't think he'll cheat. But of course there will be strippers. it's a tradition, and I'm sure the best man and his friends will get one or two. Sigh. Again, I trust him, and I know he won't cheat, however, I do feel bad that he will get aroused by some naked woman with a much better body (and bigger breasts than mine!) dancing on his lap, so close to his face, etc.I joked about the stripper thing... he said "Honey, at most I'll get a lap dance, it's not a big deal, I love you and I'm marrying you. I think you're attractive! Don't worry". I know it's great that he loves me and reassures me, but it still bugs me inside that he will get aroused by someone else who has a better body (trust me, my body is pretty average).He did say he wouldn't like it if a male stripper bounced his stuff in my face. But neither would I, so I already told my MOH and friends that I DON'T WANT A MALE STRIPPER, 'CAUSE IT'S GROSS! I don't want you to judge me or tell me I'm lying, or that I'm a boring prude, but I'm just not turned on by a stranger showing me his penis dancing around to bad music. They can spend the money on something better, like some good food or drinks, not on some male stripper.But still. How can I ease up about it? How can I stop myself from feeling jealous and inadequate from his getting turned on by some better looking stripper? If he gets turned on by me, then why wouldn't he get turned on by a stripper who probably works out hard every day and has breast implants to look that good? I don't mind if he watches porn... but having an actual hot girl dancing naked on his lap. That makes me uncomfortable. And I'm the kind to worry about things for a long time even after they have happened. I know I should lighten up and be like other brides to be who don't care about strippers and stuff.Help please... :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, EriChica  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 Well once i was on vacation somewhere else, and then when i came back from vacation. I found out my boyfriend when to a stripper bar , he said it was the clossets bar and that he was scared of loosing me cuz i didnt knoe if i was coming back. I called him that night and we got into a fight over the phone while he was there. After that i started feeling insecure just like you. And yes i try to think about something else. I would say if it bothers you that much you should try to look sexy and see how he reacts , if it doesnt work im sorry
A
male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (27 August 2010):
As a man, I dread my bride's hen night (I'm single and don't have a gf, am projecting). Far from the innocence of girls going out and cheering at Manpower or Chippendales in G-strings, bachelorette parties have evolved to a stripper or two going to a private house and having sex with some or all of the girls. That is the extreme, but the trends are toward this high end infidelity.
My reason (and a lot of other men; go on forums about this issue!) for disliking this caper is the same as yours: how will she feel about me when she returns to me? Do I want a woman who is making do with me in between visits to the superior males with her gfs?
Nothing happens at bachelor parties or at female strip shows, but I think if a woman is not cool with you going, then you should respect her wishes and also, it points to the strong possibility she may not play up herself.
Normally I would advise this type of thing: getting male strippers, sucking them and making sure he gets pics (for being insensitive), then when he gets angry, look shocked and say "you were happy to go outside the boundary of what I was comfortable with, yet I can't go outside the boundary with what you are comfortable with..." he will say, "but it's totally different!" To that, you say "yes it is, but you were OKAY with me just doing the same as you, so it is unequal impact. I didn't like you getting a lap dance, you didn't like me sucking some HUNG stripper's dick. We're even." If you want to take this option, write this down.
But in your case, you are adamant you don't like it. So, at risk of being made to look controlling, you should simply not marry him if he goes ahead and gets a lap dance. That may sound extreme, but he is not respecting your wishes. If people ridicule you, the best way to shut them is to get some really good man.
There is an alternative to doing both of these (and not being a fake whore/doormat, I mean) and that is to 'go out with the girls' regularly. Then if he starts complaining, just say "Honey, it's not a big deal, I love you and I married you. Don't worry!" Notice I left out the 'at most' part!
I know you are not into revenge, so perhaps the don't marry option is best. Yeah, I got issues too! But that just makes me much more capable of understanding where you and a lot girls like you are coming from.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I understand and sympathize with you. I would feel the same way if my fiance had strippers at his bachelor party. I feel that would make a mockery of our wedding. I find it a sexist, thoughtless ritual and a poor way for a man to prepare for his impending nuptials. I would be upset if my man had a naked woman gyrating in his lap at any time, far less if he were about to marry me. Why is it different because her name is Candy, she has fake breasts and is being paid for the honor? The problem is not with you but with a society that condones such behavior. Too often people blame the bride and tell her to lighten up and not to get in the way of her grooms' last hurrah. She should be grateful that after his stripper fest he still wants to marry her. Don't worry. Your concerns are valid. You are not being unreasonable as people would try to tell you. The problem is not your insecurity but his insensitivity . You should ask him to have a tamer BP such as a sporting event or dinner at a restaurant. If he refuses remember, you don't have to marry him. Why don't you hold out for a man who would value you and respect you enough to forgo strippers at his BP. A man who would not trivialize your concerns and refer to a lap dance as "no big deal" when deep down it bothers you. YOU GO GIRL.
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (29 January 2009):
 I think all the above advice is really good. In addition to that I can totally understand how you feel. Its not about cheating, its just the idea of your man being turned on by another person that doesnt sit well with you. To be honest when you feel that strongly about something (and i can tell you are feeling strongly about this) its hard for the feelings to just go away. There is nothing specific that will make it go away but ill give you some ideas to ease the sensation.
Keep yourself busy, especially the night of. For your bachelorette party add things to make it extra special. You dont like the male strippers so see what other things would be cool to do. If on a specific day the thought is bothering you more than usual, write in a journal or something. The writing is a good tool to allievate upset feelings.
Just keep in mind too that he choose you. It is a one night thing and than you wont have to think about it ever again. Here is some food for thought... Why dont you remind him on why he marrying you and put some sexy clothes on and get him turn him on...
~dee
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): First- you're crazy for not getting strippers of your own, when I saw them at my friends bachelorette party I was STUNNED by how frickin' GORGEOUS they were. It sounds cheesy to have men dancing for you but when it's real life you'd be surprised at how HOT it is. All of the ladies at the party were expecting it to be real lame but we were definitely impressed by their bodies and abilities and yes we were all very aroused. Get some, girl, it's your last night to have this sort of freedom!Second- Have you ever actually been to a bachelor party? I have been to two because I have some close male friends but anyway, the strippers only hung out for about 15-20 minutes, then they left. The dances were short, the women themselves weren't OVERLY attractive (lots of make up, fake breasts and tacky outfits as well as pretty cheesy dance moves). Most strippers don't look like hollywood film stars. Most strippers actually look like fairly average women (I have also been to a few strip clubs and always surprised and how normal most of them look- the ones who don't have implants at least).And, contrary to what you might expect, most of the men were very uncomfortable with the dancers, not aroused (including the grooms- both of them declined the lap dances and one of them even left the room because he didn't want to watch the woman dance!). There were two or three drunk men who were hollering (and getting lap dances) but the rest of the men said that they were just waiting for the women to leave so the real fun could start (the real fun ended up being playing poker, various drinking games, and tying the groom to a lamppost in his underwear... I'm not even kidding). My point is, the stripper aesthetic (the fake breasts, big hair, etc) appeals to only one sort of man, men with specific taste in women. She won't do it for everyone, she probably won't cause a domino effect of boners popping up across the room, at most she will be a funny distraction for a few minutes, something to make fun of him for. Men aren't animals, sweetie, they don't get aroused by everything/everyone they see. Strippers aren't universally appealing. Many men prefer a more natural body, many men are turned off by a stripper JUST BECAUSE SHE IS A STRIPPER! It depends on the guy of course but I know for a lot of my male friends they look down on strippers, even if they get them for parties, they think the women are disgusting for degrading themselves, they don't actually want to sleep with them or anything.Anyway, I think you have an overblown idea of what REALLY happens at bachelor parties and how sexy the strippers REALLY are. Having sex with a woman he loves in the privacy of his own home is 10000x more arousing for the average man than having a surgically enhanced stripper rub herself on his crotch because he's paying her to while all his close male friends watch and laugh at him. Let him enjoy his free night, and try to enjoy yours as well! Don't stress!Good luck hon!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 Trust me, there is nothing particularly sexy about having a stripper bounce around on your lap when you are the centre of attention in a room full of your drunk friends. It is mainly just somewhere on the funny to embarrassing spectrum. His friends are ordering the strippers to embarrass him not to turn him on.Instead of feeling "jealous and inadequate" feel superior that you don't have to bounce on strange drunk men's laps for a living.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (29 January 2009):
 First off, you can stop with the "better looking" stuff! Give yourself some credit!
As you quoted him saying,"Honey, at most I'll get a lap dance, it's not a big deal, I love you and I'm marrying you. I think you're attractive! Don't worry".
You are the woman that he is marrying. If the truth be told, most bachelor parties aren't as "wild" as led on.
In all honesty, it's usually the bachelorette parties that get out of hand!!!
Smile and have a good time, don't worry about it...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): The only thing I guess you can do is try not to think about it.He comes home to you at the end of the day, not Candy the stripper.Men have a good ability to easily seperate emotion from from sexual arousal. So for a guy, a lap-dance is just a more active version of watching porn, without the jacking off.The problem lies within you. Not him.You have to find a way to overlook your own pre-conceptions and doubts about this.A lap-dance isn't cheating and if it leads to it, then the relationship was never gonna work.Flynn 24
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