A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a little bit of a problem with my relationship, I've been in three serious relationships. The first two guys were very sexual and would refer to me as their 'hot girlfriend' they were both around 4-5 years older than me and we would have sex once a day usually, sometimes more. Even after a few years of being together, it was good and we would do things to spice it up and keep it going. They would flirt and start foreplay and pursue sexual activities with me as well. Costumes might be involved, passionate kissing and roleplaying too. This new relationship I've been in for almost a year. My bf isn't very sexual at all, he rarely initiates, and it takes a lot of effort on my hand to get twice a week if that out of him. It's kind of like a 'scheduled' thing too, rarely do we have sex anytime but right before bed. When we first started flirting and getting sexual, early on, we would have more sex and much more passionate sex. Sometimes on the couch too, but now, it's so 'timeable'. He calls me pretty and beautiful sometimes, but I doubt I've ever heard him call me anything along the lines of 'sexy'. It's really strange not to be the sexy girlfriend, but it's not just about how he talks to me, I know I'm attractive, I don't hold my worth in his words.Here's where I get worried... Our sex life fizzled out months back, we started having problems because his ex was constantly contacting him. He said something sexual to her and then came to me apologetically saying he crossed the line with her and they stopped talking. We talked and he told me that he wasn't ever in love with her, but she was kind of like his sex doll or whore, and something came back out when they were talking. He wasn't proud of the way things went, but it makes me wonder about us. I know he loves me, he tells/shows me all the time, but does he not want to be with me sexually? His ex had much bigger boobs, where as, I'm an A... but I don't see how that could be that big of a deal... or is it? He was very sexual with her, there was online sexual activities, and kinky sex and he became obsessed with her. He's told me some of his fantasies (with another woman... etc) and it even gets into some kinky territory (which I like), but that never translates into the bedroom. I've tried to bring it in, but to no avail. I've dressed up in lingerie and costumes but ended up feeling silly after being around him not noticing. He says costumes don't do anything for him, so I just try all different kinds of cute underwear or nightwear. Mentioned that I had these bondage cuffs that I've never tried out. I have a whole wardrobe for outfits, stockings, garters, play things that he knows about... Nothing!!! Our sex life had gotten so bad and stayed like that for the last couple months and now I feel like our relationship is starting to suffer too. I feel like the wife of 10 years rather than the hot young girlfriend like I've felt before. I'm used to being wanted sexually, I don't need him to be really animalistic or assertive even, just something a little more. One of his fantasies is about unexperienced girls and 'corrupting' them. I didn't think I was really aggressive about my kinky side and I don't think I'm any more 'experienced' than his last gf and definitely not more than him. Any suggestions on what might be going on, or what I could do? Thanks all!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): this doesn't sound good. clearly you're a sexual person and very attractive, and he's also a sexual person. Yet he's not attracted to you anymore. I think he's got issues relating to his ex girlfriend. maybe he's not over her, maybe he's cheating on you or thinking of it and the guilt is turning him off to you.
or maybe there's some unrelated problem in his life that's causing him anxiety or depression. Both can really kill libido
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