A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not really looking for advice here, but I've got to write this because I can't talk about it to anyone. Everyone I know is too deeply involved.My wife and I have known this really nice couple for ages. They've been married for about twenty-five years, they've got a child, and up to a few years ago they seemed so happy together. Both of them have always been a little chubby, but a few years ago, the wife started to lose weight, and develop more of a social life – going back to work, playing sports, going to adult education classes – she has positively bloomed. Meanwhile her husband had been putting on steadily more and more weight, and is now morbidly obese. Quite often, once or twice a month, we used to visit, or they would come and visit us, we would go out to restaurants or bowling together, but in the last couple of years they've made excuses not to see us or go out with us, and the couple of times we have gone out together, there has been a rather unpleasant atmosphere. We were worried that it was maybe something that we had done, but then my wife got a hunch, arranged to see the other wife on her own, and, you've guessed it, she's admitted to having an affair.I'm not really a sensitive guy at all, but I found this news really, really upsetting. In fact, it actually made me cry, which I found highly embarrassing. I don't blame anyone though. I don't think blame is any help, and of course, we don't know what's been going on between them, but I just feel so sorry for everyone - the husband, the wife, their daughter. She claims that her husband doesn't know, and I'm not going to tell him, but they haven't been getting on very well for years now.I think the reason that I find it so upsetting is that they were kind of like a parallel to our own marriage. They got married a couple of years before us, they came to our wedding, and we both had children at virtually the same time. And probably the most striking parallel is that at about the same time that our friends' marriage started to run into trouble, there was a noticeable cooling of affection between my wife and me, which is just getting worse and worse. Looking at their marriage is like looking in a mirror at our own one, although I'm pretty sure that my wife isn't having an affair. It's like seeing us in a couple of years' time.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 Just focus on being a good man, don't forget to make your wife feel special, sexy and wanted. One of the hidden dangers of a friend's affair is the juicy details she may be sharing with your wife when they have lunch or talk on the phone. It can make such things seem awfully tempted if a woman feels her own marriage is stale or boring; if she feels neglected by her husband. Your best defense is knowing about this affair and taking action to safe guard your own marriage. Hopefully your wife will see the outcome of this disaster and where it's heading and know that she would never want to put her own family through that. It would probably be a good idea to distance yourself from these two, but if the husband reaches out to you please be there for him. He may later find out what his wife has been up to and he'll need to feel like people care about him since his wife obviously does not. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he is fat, Basschick, but he's certainly not lazy. He's spent years working his nuts off on his business, but that went bust a few weeks ago when their largest client went into liquidation leaving them with a stack of unpaid invoices. He actually owes me some money too for some work I did, but it's not too much, and I've told him to forget about it. It's going to be a real shame if he after all of his business trouble he finds out what his wife has been up to.
And I don't think she's likely to leave him for her lover. He's just a kid, and I can't honestly believe that he's any more than a fling, albeit one that can do irreparable damage.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (28 April 2012):
Hold on, just because your friend had an affair doesn't mean your wife will. Clearly those two grew apart. For one thing, the wife took charge of her weight and dropped it. The husband has not. Being thinner has given her more confidence and she probably loves seeing her new body. Suddenly her lump of a husband doesn't look as attractive. What you should be doing is talking to HIM and inviting HIM out with you for some minor sports. Like biking, jogging, guys sports that he can handle. He needs help losing weigh. Do you have the kind of relationship with him that you could speak freely and ask him if he's even trying to lose weight? What's stopping him? Men drop weight so effortlessly if they just make the slightest change. If he got thinner it would probably re-kindle his marriage. His wife probably feels like she's not worth him making the effort. He seems lazy to her now. Lazy and unmotivated. If he loses her to another man it'll be his own fault. And as far as your marriage goes, this would be a good time to ramp up the romance. Be sure you pay attention to your wife when she wears something nice. Be sure to tell her she looks sexy and be naughty about it. What do you think makes women go for affairs? Because it's the primal energy. Their husbands have become "nice guys" who empty the trash and wash the car. But a lover sees her as an object of sex. And he's not afraid to talk to dirty to her and do nasty things in bed. If either of you need to lose weight this would also be the time to consider doing it together. If she's thinner than you, definately go on a diet and drop the extra weight. No matter what you see on TV women don't like fat men. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 April 2012):
 Your post poses an interesting view and I can see why seeing friends marriages fall apart can reflect on your own life.
Of course their marriage is different from your own and as you quite rightly state, nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. People appear quite happy and content on the surface for years whilst suffering from a range of problems so it's hard to see the cracks.
I guess the only thing you can do is learn from what you have seen happen to your friends. Marriages become stale and people get bored and take their partners for granted. A relationship has to be worked on every day to keep it stable and happy. As was demonstated by your friends, the wife lost weight and found new confidence (perhaps to overcome unhappiness she was enduring)and the husband became obese and let himself go...he stopped trying. The conclusion speaks for itself.
Maybe see this as a wake up call to examine your own marriage and how you treat eachother. Make time to talk to your wife, court her again and try to rediscover why you married eachother in the first place. Keep yourselves fit and active and make an effort to share more together, then hopefully your sadness will turn into something wonderful and your love could be renewed.
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