A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In Sept 2007 I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. She was beautiful and really helped me through some bad times, but she was very jealous and we probably should not have been in a relationship. I was still very hurt and hardened from my divorce and I told her many times that I didn't want a serious relationship. Time went by and more pressure came and we just ended up in a relationship. I knew something was wrong and it was always going to be me. She called me constantly and went crazy if I got an sms from any one or spoke to another girl (work colleagues etc). I also knew that one day she would want to get married, have children and return to Australia. I didn't feel that I could do this as I have a son of pre-high school age. As time went by she would pry into who called me and want to spend every moment with me. WE had great times to, but I felt she had a lot of barriers and wouldn't open up to me especially sexually. I was never that sexually expressive and wanted to really experience the passion of true lust with her, but she was too introverted to let go. She went on a few long trips with work and I felt like we had just fallen into brother-sister and that there was no passion and that she really only wanted me in her life because I was someone rather than be lonely as all her original travelling company had gone back home. When she came home I broke it off and not for the first time. I hated it as I never wanted to break up, she just wasn't answering any questions. All I would ever get is 'I don't know!' She said that she had changed since I said I wanted out. I didn't hear a word of it because it seemed convenient. I started seeing someone else and it started off as excitement and sex and being a little wreckless - something I'd never done. I didn't even try to listen to my ex pleading to try again and give here a chance. It killed me to hurt her but I was scared to lose what I had if nothing had changed. My new girlfriend seemed to be able to bring some things out of me that I wanted brought out and understood. I thought my ex was just being desperate because it always played on my mind that if I left here she would have no other friends. She wasn't very good at making friends. This was another pressure on me because I was her entire life. I can't stand hurting people especially if I love them. Months passed and we still kept in touch. She has grown as a person as I wanted for her own sake. All through this time she kept asking me to come round and have sex with her if she couldn't have all of me. I refused because she knows I can't sleep with more than one woman at a time. I am kinda all of nothing and I can't sleep with someone if it doesn't mean anything. She knows this. Also, I still love her and thought it might spell the end for me and my current partner. One day in May 2008 we met up for drinks, there was a mess up with trains and so I stayed at hers. We ended up making love in the shower, in the bathroom, on the bed all night. It was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. She then told me it 'couldn't' mean anything. I didn't understand. This happened again a few days later and she said the same thing to me. She told me that she would have to go back to Australia in the next few months because of the end of a job contract and money problems. I told her how I felt and that I wanted to try again because I had come to realise some months ago that she was the one that I wanted and that I had made a terrible mistake in thinking that I should let her go. I believed in the ' if you love them let them go . . . ' I don't now! I am now going out of my mind with insanity as she probably was when I broke it off, but I really think she doesn't want to try because of fear and because I didn't give her a chance back then. She keeps saying it yet I know she still loves me and wants me. She tells me she 'can't' try again, not doesn't want to. She tells me she wants me in her life. She tells me to dump my partner and be single. She even still wakes up to the song that I gave to her to describe my feelings, 'Didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.' She tells me she has met other guys, which kills me, but goes to effort to tell me that nothing has happened with them. Even that she slept in a bed with some guy buy nothing happened. Then she says that we can't get back together and the mixed messages (as I perceive them) are killing me. I r really think she is scared: scared of giving me another chance to hurt her. Scared that her colleagues or friends will think she is an idiot after how much I hurt her. Scared her parents won't approve. She never told them that we were an item in the first place and that really hurt. We are just so right together now and she says that she is not the same person and neither am I. That's good, right for if we were the same we'd have the same problems. I just feel like I am going to chase after her and not give up until she spells it out in no uncertain terms. It is difficult at the moment because this situation is contributing to my depression and anxiety for which I am signed off work. I can't think straight and I just want to see her and talk to her all the time. At the same time, my current girlfriend is doing nothing wrong apart from not wanting me to see the girl I shared my life with for 4 years, although as you see her fears were not unfounded. I hate that fact! She does not deserve it, but I am in great fear and peril because of what I am going through and I need to survive this. I need to get through to the other side. I don't want to use my girlfriend, but I also think that telling her that she was right and that I slept with my ex twice will cause her unnecessary heart-ache when she doesn't need it. She has been brilliant, but I just don't feel the same way about her as I do my ex. I may be a complete idiot and end up throwing away two perfect women who will never have me again, but all I know is that I don't want to live or make decisions in fear. I'm an all or nothing type and I tend to throw myself into hard situations because situations that hold the most potential for pain also hold the most potential for joy. I just don't know what to do about this. My ex is pretty much 95% going end of August so I might lose her anyway. My current girlfriend has done nothing wrong but she is just not the one! I can't help how I feel, but I know I am hurting everyone including me. I don't know what to say to my current girlfriend and how much she needs to know and how much of it is for my purpose. I just don't know. I know I can't take the anti-depressants cos they kept me awake and all I did was think and re-run all the painful thought processes. It is driving me completely insane. I find it hard to leave the house or do even the smallest task and I know my ex has been through this when I let her go. I let her go to have a chance at what she wanted but now I want her back. She is 35 and I am 39 and I felt that I really didn't want to get married and have children because I found it really difficult and scarring. I could over come that , but I don't know how I could leave my boy here when we love each other so very much. My heart is completely torn and I feel like running away and disappearing. Please help. I can't forget her. She is tattooed into my skin.
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broke up, divorce, get back together, jealous, mixed messages, money, my ex, tattoo Reply to this Question
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female
reader, taina1980  +, writes (3 July 2008):
in a way, I believe that your ex may possibly want you to suffer for leaving her...which I can understand.... she wants you to chase her around & act a fool, probably gets a kick out of your confusion...after all you dumped her...her change in behavior is more than likely due to the fact that you are not with her & she has no choice... you have such a nice heart... love is not jealous or envious... love is not suppose to hurt...if she loved you she would just allow you to be happy...you have a gf now, so it's not fair to cheat... I know you probably feel guilty because you still love the ex... you don't want to hurt either of these women & that is taking a toll on your sanity & peace of mind...someone who loves you would not want you to feel this pain... do your best not to show interest in the ex... when you put a bit of distance you will be able to step back & see clearer...dont stop all together just a bit. if you call everday start calling evry two days... the conversations should not be about your feelings though...just hi, how ya doing, & bye...put your ex thru the test... I guarantee is she hasn't change the distance you put will cause her to take out her claws again... so to speak... once she has shown her true colors, then you will know if this is worth all this heartache you are going thru...rome wasn't built in a day... people changing ,doesn't happen over night... broken hearts can't mend in a day... just try & be strong...its not going to be easy...but I know you can do it...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): You have to try to cut off all contact with your ex for 3 weeks. No emails, no texts, nothing. If necessary, do this by going on a trip with your current girlfriend.
The withdrawal symptoms will be much better after this period where you aren't constantly irritating your wounded heart with her presence.
There's no guarantee whatsoever that life would be good if you were to emigrate with your ex to Australia. Most likely, before long your relationship would go right back to the way it was before you broke up. The reason why you had great sex etc. was because you don't see her that often. Be realistic, if you were to break up with your current girl then suddenly get back together 6 months later the sex and passion would be fantastic also, spiced by absence and drama. Sadly, that's the way life is.
But the good thing is that happiness in the long term is possible. It's part of growing up to realize that passion lasts a short time no matter who you're with (even if a woman was custom-made for you), but if you both take care to be aware of and fulfill each others' needs, it will visit even the most settled couple now and then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFeel like I'm slipping again. My resolve is not to call her and keep telling her how I feel. A definition of insanity: trying to achieve a different result by doing the same thing over and over again.
It's so difficult.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaina1980/ChiRaven: I am so thankful that you guys take the time to listen to me and I'm sorry if I sometimes sound angry. I guess it is just the frustration, but I really take on board what you are saying here - all of you. I do have a big heart if I say so myself and sometimes that's not the best thing in a world like this unless you have the tools to protect and express yourself fully. I guess I need more tools and some training. Thank you - I did speak to my GP a few weeks ago and she is lining up some counselling and I enquired with my employer as they also have a free and confidential service. My problem is trying to make everyone happy and when I tried to step down from the pedastal and make myself happy, I made a hash of it. It doesn't have to be that way. I will try to stop sitting in and looking at my phone waiting for calls and emails that will probably only lead to more pain. My son and I have a really very close relationship that actually got so much better when we weren't living together. Under the same roof we would come home and he would obviously want mummy and daddy, but mummy and daddy were too shell shocked from the day and each other to be anything other than snappy and unhappy. He is such a wonderful boy and he really has been, at times the only thing that has kept me alive. He is only 10 but he knows exactly what I am feeling and he also has a massive heart. I am so proud of him for being himself. Even when friends do bad things he refuses to go tit for tat because 'daddy I don't have to be like him.' He is awesome. I am worn out to be honest. At first I felt bad for taking time off work at the doctors orders, but I now realise I was heading for a mighty fall. I have always been the type that couldn't tread water: I have to touch the bottom and push back up. I know this. Thank you for being out there. It makes me realise that the human race are not all non-caring monsters out for themselves. Don't hesitate to mention me if you need anything (Oldskool). Even though my life is a mess I'm really quite good at helping others. ;0) Much love. Would you mind to check in on me every now and again? I know I need people to talk to. Thanks guys. I want to get through this.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (1 July 2008):
I know it's hard to sit at home alone thinking too much I'm guilty of the same... have you ever tried to go to court to get more visitation rights? you make it seem as if your bond with your child is none existant.. I think you should probably go to a therapist... I know men have a problem opening up &talking about their problems but, therapy helps...its the one person who will listen to you without being judge mental... just until you are comfortable in your own skin & can come up with a solution...you sound so troubled & have quite a lot of problems on your plate...its hard to hurt people you care for that have been good to you... having said that though your happiness should come as priority... you can't save the world.. as a mother I tell you yes, your son should come first but, your situation is diffrent from mine...in your situation you don't have custody but it is not impossible for you to be a parent from any part of the world, you know? people are asking so much of you & you sound worn out...your # 1 focus, figure out what you really need & what you don't need throw it out,literally... figure out what you want & go get it...you control your destiny...your ex is a new woman without you but, if she were with you could she or would she go back to old habits? sometimes things are not meant to be...sometimes two people just bring out the worst in each other...thats for you to decide... I sincerely wish you the best though...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I'll clarify. My son was with my wife, with whom I broke up 5 years ago. The girl I went out with for 4 years is going back to Australia and I am currently with a girl here in England.
I'm not a sleep around guy and I've pretty much only had 4 partners; three of which I had/have a relationship with as I can't sleep with someone without it meaning something.
I didn't actually move on, that's the terrible thing about all of this. It was pain and bad programming that made me unable to stay with her at the time.
My whole life has been responsibility and not a lot to do with me. My ex-wife has my house and my son and all new furnishings. I have debts and see my son once a week. She has a new life with a guy. I have some failed relationships. Hmmm! I'm not blaming anyone but myself, but I need happiness too. I said to my ex (going to Oz)before we got romantically involved, who would want a man with a child from a previous relationship - and it looks like I was right. I couldn't go with her because of the duty I felt to my son. Yes, I love him dearly, but I didn't chose to be divorced or be in this place where someone has to take on me and a son whose life I have no control of on any basis. I am just in the background just enough to be a part of his life but far enough forward for it to make a massive effect in mine. If I had custody I could have left the country like my ex-wife can. As the custodial parent she can go live on Mars and there's is very little I can do about it.
Every one speaks of the responsibility to my son and I strongly agree in the main, but I only hope that no one ever has to be in this position to have to break it down to this degree to decide whether you can be happy in the now. All the great teachers tell us to live in the now, yet all the advice I get tells me to wait for the future. It's a strange contradiction.
Yes, I probably should be single right now, but I am at home with depression and anxiety and the worst thing about that is the loneliness. A doctor can sign you off but they don't sign off any company or a way to not go insane by yourself with thoughts spinning around your already confused mind. It's hell and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Honestly, thank you all for taking time to write something to try and help. I do appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (1 July 2008):
wow you ever heard of the saying you don't know what you got til its gone? I mean the smartest piece of advice I could give you is to be perfectly honest with the current girlfriend... but in all reality there's another saying that goes," what you don't know doesn't hurt you"... when my bf of 4 years told me he cheated on me I was devistated... I wish that he wouldve never told me...I do think that you should break it off with your current gf... I know it is not easy but it will hurt her less in the end.. there is no easy way to let someone down, you just have to do it... don't feel guilty for feeling confused... your human...no one is perfect.... you don't love the new girl ,you love your old one... also, I do think your ex has a point though, you should just be single for now...if your ex leaves let her go in peace wish her the best... if you let her go & she comes back to you, then she was really yours...i think you guys need to work on yourselves first the relationship you once had with her sounds whacky & mean a lot of trust issues & way too much drama...the only way it will work out is with patience & understanding on both parts. & not for nothing but, if I was your ex I wouldn't be to eager to take you back either... it sounds like you hurt her pretty bad...when she was at her worst you left & moved on with your life... now that she's no longer down& has her shit together, you want her back in your life? when you love someone don't take them for granted...you sound like you have a big heart...trust me, dump the new girl, stay single & if you truly love your ex, you both need to be self sufficient & independent...you guys rely on each other way too much... & apart from that, your little one should come first... he needs his dad more than these two females... he needs you healthy stable&with a clear head so if you need to get rid of both these chicks to do that, so be it...
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Ok, let's get the players straight. There is a VERY ex with whom you had a son, who is no longer in the picture. There is an ex who you dropped but who continued to chase you until she hooked you again just in time to leave for Australia. And there's a current girlfriend who is nice enough but not as hot or as memorable as the ex.
Does that pretty much cover the picture?
And the question is, what do you do now.
What it boils down to is, you have to figure out what you primary responsibility is. And to my mind that can only be one thing. You have to stay loyal to your son. That means no traipsing off halfway around the world looking for deep passion and romance when you should be staying involved day-to-day in his life. You WANT her. She WANTS you. But he NEEDS you and he is your #1 responsibility.
You can figure out the rest of the puzzle from there. It means that if the ex is really returning to Australia in a few months, you'll be saying goodbye anyway, so why mess up a good thing with another woman on her behalf? Yes, you'll always long for something that you could never have. But you'll know you did the right thing by staying true to your first responsibility ... your son.
Maybe in eight or ten years things will be different. But right now, bid the ex a tearful farewell and move on. Stay with the current girlfriend, or look for a deeper love somewhere else. But know that you can't afford to invest your emotions in a romance that is made impossible by your main responsibility in life.
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