A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a male coworker who lives in another city, we worked closely together for a couple of years, but only met on a work weekend away (last year).We seemed to have a lot of chemistry. Although there were about 100 of us on the trip, he spent a lot of time seeking out my company. On the final night we talked together for hours, and definitely started to cross the line of normal friendship behavior. Although our discussions were not "sexy", we definitely expressed mutual attraction through our body language and intense eye contact. At the end of the night he slipped his hand onto my waist, and asked for a kiss goodnight. Which I provided, very gently but very chastely. I don't think I have ever felt so attracted to any man than I did at that point in time, but was so overwhelmed that I didn't take it any further than a kiss. The next morning we parted ways, he did seek me out to say goodbye and gave me a kiss on the cheek but it was not flirty in any way.When we got back to the real world I was in shock, emailed my best friend who agreed she had never seen me like this before. I was completely smitten, but I was completely overwhelmed and nervous. For a few months I was so embarrassed and nervous that I could barely speak to him. He too withdrew - we both were more formal with each other than we had ever been before.It took months for us to relax - finally began to talk again like friends. We never mentioned the weekend away, and never talked about anything flirty and suggestive. But gradually we became closer and closer. He had always been complimentary and supportive, and this continued. In the last couple of months he has twice by email told me that he loves me. But just in random moments - and ambiguously.The other day we were discussing a work matter, and in a moment of laughter he said "you know I love you, don't you?". I just brushed it off because I wasn't sure how to take it. We work for a very conservative organization, so in 10 years plus of working there I have never had another person say they love me. But his voice was more teasing than serious. Although we have never discussed it, I cannot believe he could have forgotten what had transpired on the weekend away. Yet we have become such close friends that I worry that he may just be feeling platonic feelings. Long before I fell for him I knew he was a nice guy, so I can't believe he would deliberately hurt me.Yet I am too scared to say anything back at all - because I am too scared that I am reading too much into it. Help!! :)
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Oh I know this one!!!! Something very similar happened to me. I'm not sure what its about, but it leaves you very confused and frustrated and almost beginning to feel like you got it wrong all along. I went away on a yoga holiday and there was a man on that course with me, who was in the next room at the hotel. He very quickly made his presence known to me and he was very attractive and definitely my kind of man. However, this was the first time I'd been on holiday alone (I was newly separated) so I wanted to be careful. But just like you said, he pursued my company at every opportunity, singling me out to be his dance partner in the salsa sessions he taught us in the evenings, made sure he always sat next to me at meal times, waited for me in the mornings to walk from the hotel to the yoga place, and always dashed after me if I left before he did. Lots of women in the course fancied him. He was good looking, very sociable, interesting, intelligent, a real catch. The other girls said how lucky I was he was giving me so much attention. I was flattered. Then it was coming to the end of our week and he invited me to go out for a meal, alone with him. I was very pleased he asked me and was happy to do so. We'd gone out as a group before and he'd asked me to dance after and the rest of the group eventually left while we danced the night away. I did notice that when we got back to the hotel though he made a very quick dash into his room. Not even a peck on the cheek, which I found a bit odd, but decided he was being respectful. Anyway off we went on our private date for a meal, which was wonderful, but he made no attempt to put his arm round me or hold my hand - even when we walked across broken pavements where I needed a hand - and I started to think he wasn't much of a gentleman, though everything else about him said he was. I was already becoming confused with this one. Anyway, there was no romance whatsoever at the end of that evening. Lots of laughter, but nothing else. Later he did tell me he was into some religious sect that meant you couldn't have sex before you married, but I wasn't sure that I believed him, he just wasn't that type. And anyway, even if he was, that wouldn't have bothered me. Like I said I was newly separated and the last thing I wanted was someone jumping on me.
I was having a second week and was travelling on elsewhere and as it turned out he had the same. He had planned to go to a city centre but actually asked if I'd mind if he joined me at the beachside place I was going to. I was very pleased as I enjoyed his company and would have preferred that to being alone. We travelled together and got separate rooms in a hotel I knew well, and during our days together we had a great time. But he made absolutely no moves towards me and was showing no signs of being romantically inclined. I was really confused. Perhaps I had read the signals wrong. Perhaps I was reading more into it. Perhaps he just wanted to be friends.
And then he went on the city tour that he was meant to go on and I stayed where I wanted to be. He tried to persuade me to go with him, but I didn't fancy the heat in the place he was going to, so I declined. I dropped him back at the airport and thought I'd never hear from him again. We said our goodbyes, which were very formal and I shed a few tears because I really liked him and thought that was the end of it. He gave me no reason to think anything else. However, on my return to England he rang me and invited me to his home, which was a fair way from me. I thought then he must be interested or why would he bother? I decided to go. In fact I was very happy and excited. He was perfect for me. So he took me to his home - which was not the house he had told me about while we were away, but a 1 bedroom apartment in a block - and also the 'other house' he owned turned out to be a room in a friends house - and as we were having such a good time together I stayed later than I had anticipated. At that point he offered me to stay the night, and showed me the spare room. I accepted. We then went out for a drink to a very romantic bar on the sea front. I really thought this was all part of his plan to woo me. Instead of that, he told me he had thought about whether he wanted a relationship or not and had decided against it. He said he didn't want to share his life with anyone again. To say I was confused was putting it mildly. And I so wished it was not so late and so far because I would have headed off home.
Anyway the cards were on the table now. He only wanted a friend. so what was all that game playing about? Why single me out? Why take me out for romantic meals and drinks? Why bother to invite me to his home? This was all many moons ago, but your letter made me remember all this. So next morning we said our goodbyes once again and this time I really thought I wouldn't hear from him again. At that point he told me he was going away and wouldn't be around to contact me for months. I thought this was him making sure I got the brush off right in my head. Well he needn't have worried. I can take a hint. So months went by. I forgot about him. Then suddently out of the blue he rings and asks me to go view a house with him. I didn't like the tone in his voice and actually told him to go shove his invitation where the sun don't shine.
I have to say, to this day, I don't understand what that was about. I think he may have been gay and trying to deny that or a commitment phobe, or maybe he had some erection problems he didn't want to speak about - but there was definitely something not right there for he constantly chased me and then did a turn around every time. But it was horrible. The mixed messages had me so confused as to what I should do and I was terrified of making a wrong move and either being rejected or making a fool of myself. I too was left wondering if I was reading too much into things.
So where does that leave you? Well I think my best advice to you is to listen to what your gut tells you - though if you are like I was you won't know because he has confused you. Could he be married and playing around but doesn't have the courage to tell you? I don't know, but I do think its a cruel trick and to save yourself from anymore hurt I'd tell you to get away from him altogether. When a man really wants you he doesn't do these things. Yes he may have been hurt himself and be wary, but he won't play around leaving you confused, he'll be sensitive enough to not want to hurt you. Stop letting him play with your mind and make up your mind what it is you want, and then go do it. At the moment he's in control and running the show. I don't know what it is with these types, but it doesn't do your self-esteem any good. Just my thoughts anyway. Good luck.
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