A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a married man 5 years ago who was funny, attentive and loving all the time and spent most of his time with me including weekends and holidays. He did finally leave his wife who has move on and got remarried with a new child 2 years ago. We moved properly (which meant I had to give up my independency and sell my house) together just shortly before that time. Also I know I was the final straw in the break up of their 25 year relationship, I was certainly not his first "affair" (although she turned a blind eye to all the others). Now you would think happy ending -far from it - he suddenly turned into Super-Dad to his 3 children (6, 15,17), where before he would only see them on weekends he now has them every Wednesday, Friday night, Saturdays all day, meets them on a Tuesday and Thursday for lunch and takes them away at least 2 weeks every year where I can;t get him to commit to spending more than 30 min per evening. I have to go on these "family holidays" although they are disrespectful to me (as he puts it "they tolerate me" and "respect has to be earned". I work full time and my youngest son is nearly 25. When I met him he made me believe that he shared all the same dreams as me but now I feel that all he wanted to do is "swap heads" and carry on with his family life but with me at his side instead of his wife. I am now at a stage where I am not really happy about being kept in wait all the time. I thought when we bought our house together we would have a home but it appears that all plans are made by him for the children and my thoughts do not count at all. I am ignored most of the week and only on Sunday afternoons between his online games when he wants to have sex will he actually pay any attention to me. I used to be a fun loving outgoing person with loads of friends (no need to mention that he did no like any of them and they have drifted away after all this time). I feel lonely, unloved and unwanted most the time now. Is it going to get better or shall I just cut my losses and move out and start afresh on my own?
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Don't listen to the idiots judging. Thousands of people get divorced and then have a new relationship, if not millions of people. If you're of a certain age, you're likely to have children. So many people have complicated family lives and challenging emotions, so please don't feel alone.
Now: yes, he split up with his wife, but she moved on and is perfectly happy, and also his relationship was his responsibility, not yours, so you absolutely have no reason to feel guilty there.
I think, though, that although you have a tricky relationship with his kids, it seems, and there are hard feelings there, you have to accept that you set up with a previously married man who came with substantial baggage. Of course his first responsibility is to his children, as yours is to yours. It doesn't matter how old they are. That he spends a lot of time with them is his right and duty, really - I don't think you can argue against that. It is, though, perfectly natural that you feel 'neglected', but those are feelings you just have to deal with. It's a bit like ... imagine you are in bed with someone you love, and it is all wonderful, then suddenly he has to get up and go to the hospital because his child is ill. You feel, on some level, bereft and upset, because he's suddenly gone, but you know you have to just deal with that because he is doing the right thing, the only thing he can do.
Try not to be jealous of his relationship, and try not to feel angry. He is being a father. He isn't just yours, and never can be. And you absolutely must not allow yourself to feel annoyed that he now spends more time with his children - think about that for a second. How can you begrudge him or them that?
I think you are in a situation where you have to work on being selfless and thinking of the rest of the family. Yes, he's fallen into a groove of existence with you, which people often do. Yes, he is now 'comfortable' with you, and yes, he probably takes you for granted. BUT, and this is a big but, I don't believe he doesn't love you any more - I think you have just become part of the furniture. In my opinion, the thing to do is to find your own pursuits, pick up old friendships or make new ones, and be more independent. Look less to him. That's just the way it goes - the deal now is that you both get on with your lives and families, enjoy your joint families and also enjoy the quiet solidity of your relationship. And to be honest, I think it is good that you at least still have sex on a Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But perhaps you are not the sort of person to live like that. A lot of people do, and find quiet happiness in children and security. But you might want more - it sounds as if you do. To have the kind of life where you are the centre of someone's world, and always come first, and always have that intensity and excitement, you either need to move from one affaire to another (as most relationships 'relax' into comfort at some point), or you need a VERY special man who understands that it is possible still to feel as you did those first months, but after 20 years.
So you either:
- look for that special man (long shot)
- quit this relationship for another affaire, and probably another, etc etc.
- decide that you love the man you have, and are simply happy to be with him and in his life, but at the same time make a conscious effort (a) not to resent or come between him and his children and (b) find an outside activity or more, such as going to a gym and have a life outside of yours with him
Or, I suppose, if you're that sort of person, you could stay with him but have an affaire on the side for your excitement. Personally that wouldn't suit me, as I am useless at lying and wouldn't feel happy in someone else's arms, but if that is what you need to do, again, don't judge yourself.
You do have choices - a lot of choices.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): we are not haters but merely appauled by her intolerance of his previous family (meaning kids). she has realised that she got her married man but he still has responsibility to his kids which she doesn't want him to. that is all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Oh my god to all the abusers! I feel for you honey. You cannot choose who you fall in love with! But the thing is...now it looks like he doesn't love you. I mean seriously, online games?! How OLD is this guy???
Basically it sounds like he was a jerk to his wife and now she is much happier without him. Maybe you will be too.
I for one, support you in your difficult role. Don't listen to the haters!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): I have a saying for people like you....."It the fu*king you get for the fu*king you got"!You might well remember that if you "cut your losses" and try this little game of yours again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): "(he suddenly turned into Super-Dad to his 3 children (6, 15,17)", why are you being so selfish, st least he is being the best dad he can be. i am certain now that you have your MM, you would want him to "divorce" his kids as well.
how about stop being a selfish *itch, and allow him to be a father to them. after all you made sure he left his wife for you, you also expected him to leave his kids for you as well. you have to learn to "share" him with his kids. He was a father when you were running around with him, and he is still a father now. please accept it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): i have always said the moment the mistress becomes the wife she opens the door to an other vacancy. you will be finding that now the pain, heartache and humilitation his wife actually had to go through with you. the old saying if he does it with you he will do it to you is so true in your situation.
karma is just so perfect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Cheaters don't change, and karma has a funny way of working, but I think all he did was swap woman, he is who he is and leapords don't change their spots.You were in an affair and when any new relationship starts he would make an effort, now he is just back being who he really is,you have lost you ID same as his wife probably did then he gets bored and wants a bit more exitement again,and to prove to his kids he isn't all bad. Once you are worn down, then you are just the wife again.He has a past and family and they will always be important, so does he have enough to go round all of you or will you become the one he takes for granted,will they be demanding and need his time yes of course they will. Stats also say second marriages and relationships are more likely to fail than first ones.What you have to watch out for are the signs, he is prone to have affairs thats why you are in his life, lets hope for you sake that he doesn't allow himself to become bored or crave exitement and flattery as he did with you, or you will become his second best, maybe you already are and that is why you are here asking these questions.Now you will know how his wife was made to feel when you were cutting her grass.This is all to often the result of having an affair and you end up with the person because you feel responsable for the break of his marriage, give up all your freinds hobbies and put your everything into making the new relationship work, you have lost your freinds and ID because you wanted a new life but once you are in the everyday then its the same old. Maybe deep down his past life wasn't so bad his ex turned a blind eye to his other extra maritals so he had his cake and ate it, bet he knows you wouldn't, so possibly he had the best of all worlds before.You are in the same position now as his ex,what lies ahead more uncertainty, more loosing youself,more doubt, not a great outlook but this happens so many times when people think the grass is greener on the other side of the pasture instead of taking the time to sort out what are sometimes smaller differences than the you think in the first place. I know I have done it and tried to take the easy way out before instead of putting my energies into what I should off, quick fixes and knee jerk re-actions sometimes back fire with catastrophic concequencies, and we are left with less than we started and having to face the prospect of a completely new start and that is very hard to face up to and admit and can lead to a long and lonely period with even more mistakes to look back on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (2 May 2009):
 You had a relationship with a man who is prone to cheating - are you sure he is spending all this time with his children, or is there someone else distracting him? You knew he had children when you met him and if he is spending all this time with them, he is probably guilty about the marital-breakup and compensating by trying to be Super-Dad. As you say you were the 'final straw' in his marriage break-up rather than the main motivator for him leaving his wife. This man may not find daily life with his mistress so much fun as it was to have special time with you at weekends. If you want to know why you are in your present situation then you need to have a good look at yourself and what you got involved in. By this I mean you let a man take over your mind and ditched your friends at his request - you must have known this relationship was a risk since he has strayed in the past and it looks like you have replaced the position of his ex-wife - abandoned, neglected and put in second place to everything else going on in his life. I would be surprised if this relationship is going to get better if he is this inattentive in the early stages.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (2 May 2009):
 Hi There
Its a hard position to be in when you are accused of being the cause of the marriae break up. Although he may not have said so, he may resent you for it. However, you are now together. He clearly loves his children and wants to continue to be a father for them. They will eventually accept it. It takes time. They may hold resentment towards you. At least he includes you rather than keep you hidden away.
Bear with it if you love him. Communicate and let him know how you feel. Try and organise some time away together just the two of you.
I am in a similiar position and I know how you feel. I do feel you are in a better position where as I feel like he is ashamed of me.
Good luck in what you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Being married is not easy and now you see that his ex wife endured the same problems. It is exciting at first until reality hits. Now you see the uncut version and it hurts. All I can say is take the bitter with the sweet and endure the hurt. You caused hurt and now you will get it right back in ways you ain't going to believe. Marriage is hard work and it's always the women on the other side who believes she can make it better. Stop crying and be a wife and work on your marriage. Watch your back cause their may be another women checking for your husband just like you did....I don't feel sorry for you at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Being married is not easy and now you see that his ex wife endured the same problems. It is exciting at first until reality hits. Now you see the uncut version and it hurts. All I can say is take the bitter with the sweet and endure the hurt. You caused hurt and now you will get it right back in ways you ain't going to believe. Marriage is hard work and it's always the women on the other side who believes she can make it better. Stop crying and be a wife and work on your marriage. Watch your back cause their may be another women checking for your husband just like you did....I don't feel sorry for you at all.
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