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I'm still sexually attached to the guy that my ex pretended to be. How can I get over this?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 April 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 19 April 2018)
A female Ecuador age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Thank you for reading this. About 10 years ago, I broke up with this guy after a few months when I realized he was abusive. I felt betrayed because we had supposedly been childhood friends. I broke all ties with him. Like most abusers, at first he didn't let his motives show. He seemed to be caring, respectful, friendly, etc., and I was very much in love with him. The thing is I'm sexually attached to the guy he pretended to be. I know it's stupid and unhealthy. Therapy has helped a lot, but not in this particular issue. My psychologists have given me books about codependency and I've voluntarily researched c-ptsd and abusive relationships, but I feel like something's missing. Lately this has been bothering me even more than usual because I want to start a serious relationship and a family. I guess my question is how to get over this and not let it affect other people either, specially a hypothetical new boyfriend.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 April 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntKeep reminding yourself that what you are attracted to is what you BELIEVED him to be, not what he actually turned out to be. The man towards whom you feel this attraction is a figment of your imagination. He does not actually exist.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I'm sorry you had a similar experience. Thank you for your advice and support.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

I understand what are you feeling because I had the same situation last year with my ex-bf of 4 years. What helps me going through that "feeling" of being sexually attached to him was to remember every single time that he used me, every single time that he lied to me, every single time that the cheated on me, every single time that he took money from me, every single time that he didn't care about me. When you yourself go through all these bad memories I know is not funny or nice but when you feel again all that sadness and disappointment and when you feel miserable again remembering all that stuff I guarantee you that all sexual desire that you might have for him will disappear in a second!! I still remember when he borrowed money from me saying that his phone is not working and he needs a phone asap and he will pay me with the tax refund I was naive enough to believe in that and later on I find out he bought an iPhone 7 ($1000) cash with my money and he never paid me back...I also let him make some payments and purchases with my credit card because he promises to pay me back also lies because when he pays if he does he gave me some little stupid excuse and a small amount of cash saying he will give me the rest later...so when sometimes even after all that bad moments he still had the nerve to come to my place an acts like he is worried about me, acting like he cares about me, he came over with food saying he thinks of me and off course all what he wanted was sex nothing more and start to do what I just wrote to you and it gave me the strengh enough to say NO MORE!! I told him in his face I am not your doll or your barbie you dont use me anymore! and I let him go , it hurst I know I am still in therapy it has been 1 full year since we broke up and still hurts but if you do what I did it will give you the strengh to do let him use you.

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