A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my gf for about 2 years now. In those 2 years alot has happened to her, both of her grandmothers died, 2 friends of her friends died, her brother became an alchoholic. What I didnt realize before I started dating her and got serious with her is she has a history of suicidal thoughts and she absolutly cant think of anything possitive about her self. In the past year she has become a bit of a functioning alchoholic she has a job and she goes to school but every night she gets drunk and calls me up asking "what would you do if I died?". She thinks that nobody cares about her and every one only pitys and that is why they talk to her. she thinks that her family wouldnt care if she died and would actually be relieved that she is gone. She refuses to seek any type of help. Lately she has been drinking more and refuses to stop even for one night and has been more depressed and saying she hopes she dies in her sleep. I have tried to help but she wont do anything to help improve her life. I dont think I can take much more but I am scared to leave her because she has said "I dont think I would survive if you left me." I still care about her and would still be willing to be her friend (thats pretty much what we are now - friends that kiss at the end of the night) I just cant see myself being in a relationship with her in the distant future and being happy. So what should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I'm a 26 years old male.Dude,I'm very sorry to hear that. You might be suffering as much as her. I really know that feeling of being afraid of leaving because she'll kill herself.Listen, alcoholism+severe depression is a very bad combination, and is a very difficult cycle to stop. With alcoholism, it doesn't matter much love and affection you give her... if the will for changing her life don't comes from within her, you are wasting your time. She as to hit the bottom, and see herself as a sick person, in order for her to change her life. No one can do something about her, not even AA. I would suggest you to slowly get away from her, and stop kissing her. If she insists in kissing you, or even have sex with her, stop her [I know this can be hard]. Tell her what you are feeling. Tell her that her alcoholism is making you suffer, and that you don't want to spend your life with an alcoholic. Be honest with her. Don't stop being her friend (she needs you very much), but keep a healthy distance from her.I hope this helps.[notice: my mother is alcoholic, and i think she still does because she has not hit the bottom. It is very painful for me. But is not like you can leave your mother alone.]
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Wow you are in a very tough position. It is really difficult to be around someone who is always so pessimistic all of the time and especially when they won't seek help.
All claims of suicidal thoughts shouldn't be disregarded, she could possibly be suffering from depression, but since she won't seek help on her own she won't know for sure until she sees a doctor.
You have tried talking to her and telling her that if she doesn't get help you are going to leave because you can't stand to see her like this? I understand that your gf has been through a lot and has a lot to deal with, but people (cliche as it sounds) out there have it a lot worse than she does.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, so if I were you I would tell her that you've tried to help her, but you can't bear to stay any longer and just leave. Maintain your friendship if you want to, but leave as her boyfriend.
Good luck to you friend and I'm sorry that you are in this position.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): You leave her, you've tried everything the only option you have left is to leave. If that doesn't give her enough of an excuse to start healing then nothing will.
You're supposed to be her boyfriend not her counselor. You can't help her and in fact by staying there as an emotional crutch you're actually keeping her like this. She is taking for granted that you'll be there always trying to help her so she's not doing anything to help herself.
The best thing you can do for her is give her a wake up call and break up with her, you're not responsible for what happens after that OP, you can't live like this and it's not fair on you to have to either.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 March 2011):
Hi there. It's a difficult place to be in, that's for sure.
You are not responsible for her life - she is. She has complete control over everything that happens to her, not you.
Really, there's very little you can do. Nothing at all.
The one thing positive in all this though, is that you don't live together. Thank goodness for that!
Believe me, it could be so much worse.
At least you are not faced with it all the time every day and night. Be thankful for that.
She needs to make some decisions, but only she can make them - no-one else.
What I would suggest is to don't say any mention of breaking up or anything that suggests that. Keep a little distance from her, by not calling or texting her. Nothing at all.
In fact, just let her contact you. She does need some space, so give her some.
Just supposing she were to attempt suicide again, that would not be your fault in any way. You can't control those things, no-one can. It's beyond everyone's control.
She is the master of her own destiny. Her life can be whatever she wants it to be. It's all in the decision making.
Don't take responsibility for what happens to her. That's not up to you. You can't take any blame for what she might decide to do.
Even if she ever did try suicide again, there'd be nothing anyone could ever do to prevent her doing it - if her mind is set. Most people do those things when they are absolutely sure no-one will be there. They just do it.
Quite often though, it is a cry for help. It's a case of they feel they have run out of other options and so have given up on things getting better for them in future.
This is her problem. It's either sink or swim.
You can be a friend to her, but she needs to take responsibility for her own life. She's becoming a bit overwhelmed.
She is letting life control her, rather than the other way around.
Tread very warily and take care. The longer you get involved in all this, it could bring you undone as well.
It's just not worth the trouble.
If she won't help herself, you can't do it for her.
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