A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently saw an ex-lover again and was overwhelmed by the wave of sheer animal desire that hit me just talking to him over lunch. We had decided not to see each other because it was torture controlling that, and being in a relationship together was a bad idea from a multitude of points of view. Will we ever be able to be 'just friends' without wanting to jump inconveniently into each others' pants? There have been other encounters since then, satisfying encounters - at least until this hour's time reminded me of what being with him was like. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hello again (Part 2). (Read the other bit first.) Quite often people are frightened to make any major changes in their lives for fear of failure.
I think too, that often they feel that if they make too many changes - even small ones - that one day they will wake up and their whole life will be so different that they won't recognize it at all! Silly, I know, but that's how some people feel.
It is a real threat to them, and with an accompanying feeling of a loss of control over things.
It's really hard to change that way of thinking.
So while everything remains the same - in their own individual life - they feel secure. Because the things that they don't change, gives them a sense of control.
Most problems in people's lives, all evolve out of a sense of no control over what happens to them. For an insecure person, this can be pretty scarey.
It's probably not at all surprising that he has adopted his mother's lifestyle mainly, because he spent the most time with her while he was growing up. So it's rubbed off on him more so, than his father's life philosophy. Because his father perhaps wasn't so much hands-on in his child rearing - because of his work.
With some gentle encouragement by you, you could gradually get him to relax a bit more, and try some new activities. At least it will give him something different to do, from just work. It could actually give him a LIFE! It will certainly make him more interesting anyway.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 April 2011):
Hello again. Yes, his parents are very different aren't they?It definitely does seem that he has a great fear of change.Perhaps he takes solace in his work, because it is the only thing that remains constant in his life at the moment and has ever been, in his life to the present day.You have kind of left him behind, and perhaps he feels somewhat threatened. I really think that's it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again! More information about my husband: he was raised largely by his very anxious mother; his father left most of the child-rearing to her as he worked out of the house and she mostly stayed home with the kids. His parents are very different from each other: his mother is a worrier, stay at home, fearful of anything new, likes things to be constant, basically pessimistic view of the world, doesn't like/trust dance or anything too much fun, doesn't drink wine or any kind of alcohol, doesn't make new friends easily. His father is more open, generous/spendthrift, intuitive, more an optimist, likes his wine, loves to dance but hasn't been dancing for years because his wife won't come, needs to be very active and social or becomes irritable. As is often the case he resembles his mother strongly, while clashing with/being attracted to attributes of his father. He would be very intuitive if he weren't so mistrustful of anything too illogical. I am in fact very grateful to him for showing me that it is intuition that makes him such a brilliant scholar; I have since taken it past his comfort zone with my current work, which is why he has lumped everything I am doing together in the 'I don't want to do that - that's not me' box.I did get involved in the first place because he dazzled me with his intellect, and I found myself forgiving a lot of things that I myself knew were absurd. I myself had trouble accepting the feelings I was having toward him, looking from the outside. He is not extremely handsome or well-built, average looks, though he does have beautiful eyes -- it's just his charisma when he speaks. We also clicked on a spiritual level, not religious but how we see the world, huge philosophical questions (intellect again). He had not had much success with women before me, and I think he could hardly believe his luck when I approached him. In fact a number of people have told me that they were astonished to see us together, and marveled at it. I am taller than he is, stick out because I am foreign, exotic-looking, and have a cane. He is small and slight, and anyone can see that he considers his head the only important part, and that he doesn't really know what to do with me.I am frightened because I am losing respect for him, and he is becoming more and more hysterical and impossible. He is terribly resistant to change (here he takes after his mother). Last Fall it was horrible, now things are a little better, largely because I am in a better mental space myself, but I feel that there is a basic inequality between us, that I am HUGE and growing and changing all the time, and he is frightened by that. I have been talking to so many people whose marriages fall apart because one partner changes and the other can't or won't follow. Many are women involved in healing and spirituality like me. It seems to be very common, at least among the people I know.My husband has definitely been having an affair with his work for years -- or maybe we should say that he had a brief affair with me when he decided to get married, but it was only a short interruption of a life-long relationship he's had with his scholarship. Maybe at the beginning since we were in the same field the two were not working at cross-paths, but now that I have changed fields there is nothing in common between me and the love of his life, and I am extraneous. I have been thinking about what I really want and what I am willing to put up with, but it's taking a long time. Will write back when I've thought further.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 April 2011):
Hi. Yes, he is a timid lover - but why? That's exactly what needs to be discovered.
Perhaps his parents were not affectionate people as he was growing up. It usually starts from something in a person's past.
It also doesn't seem like he was sexually abused as a child either.
I really think that your main attraction was that he was smart and you are smart academically, and you got along well in that way.
Unfortunately, I don't think the true chemistry was ever really there from the beginning.
You said you were madly in love with him - probably because he was handsome and well built (you didn't say this, so I can only assume that that's it) - and you fell in love with his physical looks and intelligence.
Unfortunately, that didn't really spill over into a sexually fantastic love life. It's likely that you felt more for him than he did for you. Sometimes when you are so in love, it's almost impossible to see what's really happening. That's why love is so blind.
Having your son is the only thing keeping you together.
Star signs matching or mismatching is probably a fallacy. Yes, there is something in it in a general sense, but there are so many things that influence star signs, that many people with the same star sign will be very different from each other in many ways. What is much more important though, is how you instinctively feel you get along.
I wouldn't be staying together just on a bet that you can make it work. You can't force things to work if they are not meant to be.
What I do feel is missing is the chemistry. Also, there is not much emotional closeness.
What really matters most is what you believe you really want from this relationship. What would make you happiest.
To stay together just for your son's sake is the wrong reason, especially keeping in mind that you are not essentially happy.
It seems that only some of the needs are being met for you.
(1) You have someone else to help you look after your son.
(2) You have a roof over your head.
For any relationship to succeed and flourish, all needs of both parties have to be met.
Work out what your needs are - all of them - then set about finding a way to fulfil those needs.
As far as having lovers is concerned, well it fills the need for sex, BUT usually after a few weeks or a month or two, those lovers are inevitably going to want more than just casual sex now and then.
What they will want for themselves, is a relationship with a woman they can call their own and to be able to see that woman as often as they wanted to, without any restrictions or complications.
Having casual sexual flings or a full-blown affair, does not fill that need for anyone. It has no substance and is rather half-hearted and insincere.
Everyone has the right to hope for a relationship with someone who wants only them and no-one else. You want that for yourself as well, but you are not getting that in this marriage.
Instead of your husband having an affair with another woman, he is having an affair with his job! Well, it's certainly one way of putting it, don't you think?
Yes, you both need to sit down and think about what it is you really want and hope for in this marriage, and see if you can both find a way to make it happen. Then it's a win/win for all concerned.
If after a few months, you can't find a way to make your hopes a reality, well then it's probably time to call it quits.
The main thing is to let your heart be your guide. Listen to what it's telling you - don't ignore it whatever you do. Stay aware to all thoughts that come into your mind throughout your day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you've hit all counts right on.
I don't think he's gay, or at least not primarily so. We all are, to some degree, but it seems to me that I am more strongly bi than he is. He's just not a very physical person. He has a friend I tease him about who texts him all the time -- I call him 'your little friend', and we both agree this friend is so deeply in the closet he doesn't even realize that there IS a closet.
Our relationship has never been very physical, ever. At first it was intercontinental, so very virtual indeed; when we were together we were madly in love, and even so it wasn't very satisfying for me. He is just very clumsy, doesn't kiss well when left to his own devices. We met in academia, so what chemistry there was was always mediated by intellect. He is very very absorbed in his work, uses it as a refuge (like my father, surprise).
It would be very easy for him to have a lover where he works, since he spends so much time there alone, but as he said, and I believe him because he's always been like this, even if he saw someone he liked, he would never put the moves on. It would almost be a relief to find out he was seeing someone on the side, because it would mean he'd loosened up enough to have an affair! He is very timid, very unsure of himself physically -- we would never have gotten married had I not called all the moves myself, repeatedly. Even our 'date' this weekend would have never happened if I hadn't pinned him down, made the reservations, and literally taken the wheel to get there. I think he enjoys it when I do that. If I lead, he can follow, more or less, but after this many years I've sort of given up on making him into an amazing lover.
But that's ok. As Savage says, if I can get some good sex somewhere else, I can live with an almost Platonic physical relationship at home, at least until my son is older (I still have dreams about meeting the love of my life, years from now, but I know they are dreams, and maybe what I have will transform itself into the love of my life). Usually what happens is I kiss him, he returns with a peck, I kiss him again softer, he starts to squirm and say "oh dear why are you such a pest" because he likes it, and after he gets over squirming he will actually soften up and kiss me. This is fine until he starts to get aroused, and then he goes into automatic, forgets how to be sensitive, and starts kissing like a corkscrew, as a friend put it once (not referring to him!). I think he is acutely uncomfortable with anything physical.
The MS doesn't help, because for a long time I had physical symptoms that made touching annoying at best, and since they were invisible he stopped trying for fear of finding one of my live wires. Also having a small child didn't help. I nursed my son for almost 4 years, which put a huge damper on libido; my MS symptoms were better, but my energy was through the floor, and I didn't feel like my body was my own. Nursing a child is like being legitimately, parassitically groped for years: I am exaggerating, but that's what it felt like, and why sexual activity was so unappealing for so long.
So things are actually a bit better since our "date". We agree that it is something we should do more often. We have both been going out of our way to be nice to each other, to behave more more admirably, and my husband is thinking, thinking, thinking though he's not ready to talk about what he's thinking yet. I know that he's trying to figure out how he feels about me sleeping with other people if he won't do it himself. I think he realizes that I may leave him altogether if nothing changes, and he's wondering if he can change his nature, or whether to let someone else take care of me. He did mention my being very Scorpio, and was Scorpio compatible with Capricorn. I assured him half-jokingly that even if Scorpio was not compatible with Capricorn, I would not divorce him because he is a Capricorn: it was a price I was willing to pay to stay with him.
We'll see what he says.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 April 2011):
Hello again. I just thought of another possibility with your husband.
Do you think that he might be cheating?
Any suspicious behaviour by him?
Any change from how he is normally?
I don't want to get you worried, I'm just thinking of other possibilities, that's all.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 April 2011):
Hi. It sounds like you are handling the situation quite well really.
That's a positive thing.
The thing is, your husband doesn't seem to be the affectionate type does he? When you said you went to touch him - to give him a kiss - he pulled away from you. This isn't a sign of a healthy relationship by any standards.
This is the part you need to talk about more with him. You need to ask him why does he NOT show affection to you.
Also, as a matter of interest, when did the lack of affection by him first begin?
Was it as soon as you gave birth to your son?
Sometimes after giving birth, husbands start to see their wives in a new role - a mother figure - and to make love to a mother figure, feels wrong to them.
The fact is, the lack of physical attention is at the real root of the problem.
When there is physical love, there is also an emotional connection. So if the physical side does not exist, the emotional connection is also missing.
There is another possibility. You probably won't like this suggestion though, but it does need to be considered just the same.
Do you think there's a possibility that your husband might be gay?
Believe me, it's happened before today. Men think they are heterosexual and get married (to a woman), have children, then some time down the line they find that they really have feelings for men instead! It's a realization they struggle with, no doubt, and they can only deny it for so long before they have to surrender to it - knowing that it's their truth.
Some men deny, deny, deny for many many years hoping it's only a passing phase. As a consequence of this of course, they are very unhappy and ill at ease with not being true to themselves. Almost certainly shying away from any physical relations with their wives. If a man discovers that he might be gay, he no doubt starts judging himself very harshly, and yet he does know the truth deep down, but just won't accept it.
I mentioned this, because it is a possibility. It would also seem to make sense, by the withdrawal from you every time you try to show affection towards him.
If this was me, I would be wondering about it for sure.
The thing is, it's going to be a hard thing to find out for yourself - short of you seeing him with a man and acting obviously affectionately towards him (the way he should be with you).
Just a thought anyway.
From now on, if you can somehow quietly observe him when he is with men and see if he is in any way flirtatious with them. If it is happening, it will be fairly obvious to you.
If he isn't gay, the other three possibilities are:-
(1) Perhaps there never has been much chemistry between you from the beginning. Because as you said, you got along well on an academic level mainly. Maybe the academic attraction didn't extend to sexual feelings - by either of you.
(2) Perhaps with you having MS he is afraid to make love to you, fearing it might damage the condition and make you worse.
(3) Maybe he has never really been into sex all his life. He might not care for it at all.
In any case, the real reason for why he isn't interested in sexual relations with you, has to be got right out in the open as soon as possible. At least then you will know for sure.
Only then can you make some decisions about your future and whether you think your marriage is worth saving.
It must be clarified though. Don't delay it any longer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy,
no, it's not chronic fatigue but multiple sclerosis. I'm pretty happy with how stable I am now: using diet and other lifestyle changes, as well as having better understanding of myself, I have not had any relapses for about 8 years now. I stopped taking the immunomodulating drugs when I found out I was pregnant, and found I felt so much better without that I never started up again. I still walk funny and have problems with some spasticity, but it is no longer the death sentence it once seemed. I do seem to be able to handle stress better now, which is a good thing; paradoxically the return of my energy and libido have been a huge source of stress, but though I have sprouted some grey hairs I haven't had new MS symptoms, which is what would have happened earlier. I used to be quite depressed, but that too has changed, thanks largely to the energy medicine technique I have been practicing as a line of work.
Last night my husband and I finally went out on our date that we had been talking about since before the summer. It was good to just spend time without work/household/child/etc. interfering, and remember what it was that drew us together in the first place. We spent a nice and relaxing evening together. When we came back home I would have liked a bit of loving, or at least a nice kiss after the lovely evening out, but when I started to touch him he drew back and asked me why I kept bothering him. I asked him if he'd rather I bother someone else, and told him about what I read a few days ago in Dan Savage's column 'Savage Love', where I found a number of sensible ideas.
One idea is the 'admissions price' one is willing to pay to take the ride, what you are willing to put up with/overlook to keep what is good about a relationship. Another is how useful it can be to continue to lie to your partner just as you did when you were courting, trying to seem better than you actually are. Acknowledging that the relationship is founded on a solid bed of lies is helpful, if you both decide to try to live up to that pack of lies you told the other person. It will still be a pack of lies, but it will make you act like that idealized self you initially presented as your true self, and if you actually are living up to the lie, it becomes the effective truth. It makes it easier to admire the other person, and reduces the price of admission. And the last is the current article on monogamy and if it is worth throwing out a whole marriage that works quite well on other counts for the sake of monogamy, in a situation very similar to mine.
We had a long talk about it, and he saw the various points and agreed with me. Most amazingly, he said that he has no problem intellectually with non-monogamy, though he said he'd have to figure out what he feels about it on a gut level, in first person. I told him to take his time to feel what he feels. I would like to talk more about it with him, but I think this would be the ultimate solution discussed in the last question thread, keeping me sane, giving me a legitimate outlet for biology to express itself, without causing the whole world to come crashing down.
We'll see what happens -- at this point I feel much less in need of consulting my parents.
Thanks again!
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (15 April 2011):
Hi. When you say you used to go into hospital every 3 months or so, are you suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome?The reason I say this, is because you say about not having much energy most of the time, and then being exhausted by the time your husband comes home from one of his business trips.If so, is it being treated properly?If not, there are some very good internet medical websites where you could do some research and find some very helpful information.If it isn't CFS, it might be clinical depression, because that can cause many physiological problems of it's own that could require a hospital stay. If it is clinical depression, it does need to be thoroughly tested for - by a psychiatrist - to define what type it is.With clinical depression, it can be very challenging to get the balance right with medication and does require constant monitoring.It can also cause constant low energy, aches and pains all over - a bit like arthritis pain, unable to concentrate, negative thoughts. In extreme episodes of depression, a semi-conscious state where you can lose a few days. Just so many symptoms.It must be very challenging at times, just to function!Seeing this last man who you used to go out with, probably just stirred up some old reminders of what you feel you are missing out on with your husband, yes a bit of fantasy I guess - like you said yourself.In any case as I was saying before, don't say anything to your husband about what you're thinking, for now - until after your 3 week holiday at your parents' house - and while you are away, have a really good think about everything - good points and not so good - and then weigh it all up.I guess what you really need to do, is think about what it is you do want from this relationship with your husband now. The things that are good, and the things that are missing. Also, think about whether you think your marriage can be salvedged. Sometimes hopeless situations aren't always as bad as you think they are.Quite often, it only takes very minor changes to bring about major improvements. You'd be surprised.Perhaps you need to tell him what you require from him - only after your holiday - and be very specific when you do, so that your husband has a clear idea of your needs. Unless you tell him this, he will never know. At least then, he has some idea of how he can work to improve how he is in the relationship.It does seem that his priorities between his work and his home life are way out of wack. Work seems to take priority to the exclusion of all else. You really need to tell him this as soon as you can. Sooner rather than later.Family should always come above work in order of importance.Yes, work is important of course, but not when it becomes a person's whole life. That's not right at all.I don't think he realizes this, and that's probably because you have never talked about it.It sounds like what he might benefit from greatly, is to take up some interesting, fun hobby in his spare time. He will have to schedule this into his life, but it will change his whole outlook on life generally. It will also put some balance back into it.If he can make the effort to get that balance - with the hobbies like I said earlier - you will most likely find that his moods will improve and consequently, your relationship as well.Surely, there has to be some good qualities to your relationship with him. You might have to dig deep, but there must be something.Like do you show each other enough affection? For instance, when he goes off to work in the morning (or whoever goes to work first), do you give each other a kiss and a hug? It's simple, but it's really nice.When people work long hours and their work consumes them, very often they don't think about very much else at all. Perhaps this is the case with him. That habit needs to be broken.I really do think that his work does consume him completely, and he just doesn't realize it.Change needs to happen in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again. I think I will follow your advice and sound out my parents before doing anything. It is just so complicated: we have all our financial stuff mixed together -- I never dreamed this would happen when we got married 12 years ago! The house was bought with money my grandfather left me, though my husband is the one who earns most of the money. I have a separate account for the what I earn with my business, but it is very little yet: I can cover my own personal expenses and that's about it. Also, though my health is much better than it was (don't end up in the hospital every 3 months any more), I still don't have normal energy, certainly not enough to be a single mother. Especially when my husband is away, it is all I can do to keep the household running, and even then it means that often groceries rot in the fridge because I don't have the energy to cook them. After he has been away four days I am exhausted. Maybe if I weren't taking care of my son all the time it would be better. So it's not like I have a huge amount of energy for lovers anyway. I don't see him very often, and maybe if I did I would discover that my needs are much less than I think they are. Fantasy is different from reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): I am astounded that Dorothy feels that your hb should move out of the marital home: he is NOT the one conducting the sordid lifestyle. He is the faithful one but somehow he needs to pay the price? Again?LoveGirl
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 April 2011):
Hi again. It is a fairly difficult choice to make, but not impossible, nevertheless.The longer you allow things to continue as they are, the more restless and resentful towards him you will become. There's no doubt about that. I believe you are almost at that place now.Yes, the lovers you have had over the years have served a purpose for you, but more on a physical level only. That's not enough to sustain a long term relationship, so you do need more than just good sex.It's a good thing you are taking your son overseas to holiday with your family. This will be the perfect opportunity for you to distance yourself from the situation you are in now for the 3 weeks that you mentioned. This will be a positive thing for you.I think you will find that seeing things from another perspective - your parents' point of view - will help you see things more clearly. Plus, you might also find that you are able to see things that you can't see now, as well as see them more clearly. It's amazing what taking a step back from a situation will do in clarifying things.It is probably wiser to consider ending the relationship now rather than later - by that I mean, while your son is a child. Education becomes far more complex once into senior education levels.But not before you go on your holiday.I believe that for your husband to move out (when that time comes), is going to be far less disruptive than if you were to move out. I would think that because you would naturally have the custody of your son, that would give you more legal rights as his biological mother.You could certainly find out about that, by visiting a lawyer who deals with divorce and separations.At the very least, you will then know exactly where you stand legally. That's a really good thing to know.And, if you do decide on separation and divorce, you can both have joint custody, where your son will spend half his time at your house and the other at his father's house. Of course, this can be agreed upon either directly between you and your husband, or through your lawyers.In any case, you can come to some mutual agreement between you both, when the time comes to go ahead with it.For the time being though, don't say anything more to your husband about threatening with divorce or taking on more lovers - say nothing at all. Just keep it all inside of you for now. Because at the moment the reality is, you are not completely sure what decision you will end up making. Yes, you have some idea of it, but not the nuts and bolts of it all just yet.For now, what I would recommend is, just let things stay as they are - there's not much choice about that right now anyway - and the summer starts in June, which is about 7 and half weeks away.Don't say or do anything about it until after you have come back from the holiday to your parents' house.That 3 weeks away, will give you some clear thinking time about everything. It will do you a lot of good.At least in the meantime as you say, you and your husband don't seem to really argue, so it's not emotionally upsetting for you. So just count down the weeks till that lovely summer holiday overseas with your parent. Each day it is less time till you reach a resolution. Think only about that and it will be more tolerable for you.I really think that ultimately leaving your husband is your only option. The relationship you have with him, does not provide for your needs either on an emotional or a physical level. That makes for a pretty empty marriage. Probably quite lonely for you as well, I'm sure.As you said, if it wasn't for son, you would have left your husband ages ago. I think that says it all, don't you?It's a big decision which should not be taken lightly.When the time comes - after you return from your holiday - then you will need to first of all, talk about it with your husband and discuss it fully. Then you will also see how he feels about everything.You might even find that he feels the same way. Men don't always like to talk about their feelings and quite often have no idea of how to articulate those thoughts into words.He's away so often with his work anyway, that he might not give his marriage much thought - as to it's status. He probably has some passing thoughts but thinks to himself - "Yeah, it's ok." And not much more. Especially, as you are not arguing.I'm sure that with reasonable time and thought, you will reach the right conclusion, taking everything into consideration. However, the decision can't be rushed into.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dorothy... Ah, should I stay or should I go? If it weren't for our son I think I would have left a while ago. Thinking about this I had decided that it was the wrong time to turn the household on its head (my son is not seven yet), since there is no active friction. My husband and I still get along well enough to enjoy throwing successful dinner parties, and while I am sure people wonder what is holding us together, at least it is not one of those situations in which the tension is damaging. We are still friends, were good colleagues until I got tired of the politics and left the field, still share a lot of interests and values, etc. But there is next to no chemistry. Looking back I think it was largely due to the stimulating material we were studying that contributed to a sort of artificial chemistry, but very mental and not very physical. At the time, I was scared of chemistry, and my husband had probably never experienced it, so neither of us was really looking for it. I am pained that in this way my son is missing out on learning what a healthy and complete relationship is like, but I really don't know what to do. We are spending more and more time apart, for whatever reason - work mostly, but this summer take my son to my parents' (we live on a different continent from them) and my husband will stay here finishing his academic year. We'll be apart 3 weeks, and I want to talk to my parents about how they see things.I don't like the idea of having our son bounced between two households and the endless custody battles I see other separated parents engaging in; but I hope we can be more reasonable about it. Also I don't know when the best time to separate would be, now that he is still small and doesn't have a lot of pressure from school, or later when he is older and can understand more, but might have more trouble with his academics. I think the most damaging part of divorce is the fighting that goes on -- I don't know, as I've never experienced anything similar in first person. It is hard on me being single parent half the time, but I survive ... come to think of it, my friends who are separated have it easier in a certain sense, because half the time they are actually free when the children are with the other parent.I also don't like the idea of leaving one marriage to go straight into another. I do anticipate meeting someone else at some point with whom I want to be with stably, but I don't want to leave my husband just because I fell in love with someone else. Maybe the best thing would be to separate independently of who else is in my life, in the calmest way possible, keeping hard feelings to a minimum (is that possible?). I notice also that the lovers I have manifested so far are wonderful from the point of view of keeping me from going crazy from abstinence, but do not have enough else going for me to consider trying to make a life with them.I don't know who should leave, either. Our son should definitely stay in the house he grew up in, keep as much constant as possible. Maybe my husband should be the one to find somewhere else to live, since he is already gone so much of the time. Or maybe I should not do anything at all and continue this rather comfortable arrangement, marriage supplemented by a string of lovers. Rather sordid, though, I think. Sigh.
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 April 2011):
Hello again. It does sound like you are very seriously mismatched now. Even though at first you were intellectually well suited.The fact he works in another city for 3-4 days in a row on a regular basis, doesn't help matters much either.You don't see each other enough.Also, your libidos are very different.Although you have the son between you, it doesn't seem like parenthood is bringing you both any closer to each other.It doesn't really sound like there was ever much chemistry there - except for the intellectual side of things. That is ok, but there does need to be much more than just getting along as academics. You might have been better off as work colleagues!It's a very big issue, but I think that you have some big decisions to make regards your marriage. It seems like there isn't much of a long term future in stall for either of you really.I don't think his libido is going to change now, no matter how hard you tried to convince him or encourage him.I'm not sure that there seems - other than your son's existence - any real reason for you to stay.If that was me in your situation, I'd be having some serious thoughts about another place to stay until more permanent future plans can be made. At the very least, it would give you some distance from the situation and to see things more clearly.Your husband doesn't really fill all your needs from a relationship point of view, either emotionally or physically. Apart from having your son, it almost seems a pointless exercise, to stay there in this marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): What do I think?You have 'controlled' your hb for years.You used your 'chronic' condition to disinvest in your marriage and sex life.Your hb has/had been patient/kind/considerate and compassionate to your illness- even to the point of living a sexless existence for years.All of a sudden your illness is cured. You have hit a mid life crises and you start acting like a *itch on heat.NOW that u have rediscovered sex u just expect your hb to produce the goods.You blatantly and deceivingly got yourself 2 lovers outside your marriage.You selfishly choose to be unfaithful yet have the pretense to your hb and friends and family of being the decent caring faithful wife.You have a very good command of language. You are intelligent. Make good money.You have become an armchair psychologist- self diagnosing and conjured up explanations and excuses for your cheating disrespectful behaviour.The fact that you belittle your hb with your lover/s smacks of just plain rude. F*cking around is one thing. Blatantly emasculated your hb, basically calling him a wimp and allowing your lover to ridicule your hb is downright low.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dorothy, and everyone else too. There is definitely a problem with the balance between work/play time. My husband is an academic, which means he is always either working or thinking about work. He has a position in a different city, so he is often away 3 or 4 days a week, which cuts down the time to be together anyway. This has been going on for more than a decade. When he is in town, he is cramming a whole week's worth of stuff into half the time, time with our son, work, social engagements -- which means little or no time for us as a couple, except a little just before bed when he reads his book or his newspaper and then goes to sleep. There's a little conversation, a tiny bit of touch, a pat on the arm or the knee, not even like reconnecting with the family dog. When we met I was also in academia, so the difference in lifestyle was not so great. I have since moved out of academia and started doing my own work, which I love and find just as stimulating intellectually but also rewarding in that I can help people in a concrete fashion, and get paid for each session I do, quite empowering, really. My husband is a brilliant scholar, and enjoys his work, so I understand -- I enjoy my work, too, but when I am off I am off. I much like having vacations! I have a theory about what happened, which is that when we first met I was in my early 20's and newly diagnosed with a chronic disease. I was also rebounding from a series of emotionally damaging but highly physical romantic experiences involving great sex, so I was looking for a 'safe' relationship and found the least threatening, least physical person possible in my husband. The intellectual bond was very strong, enough to hold us together as my physical condition deteriorated. Sex fell out of the picture almost completely, and I am sure that my husband wrote himself a script in which he played the devoted husband who would stay by my side and take care of me in my illness; health seemed impossible. We did want to have a child though, and through careful timing (we were already having sex very rarely, a few times a year) I managed to conceive and subsequently gave birth to our son. It was really through that experience that I began my healing, which has been a wonderful ongoing voyage since then, for both of us. In many respects we have grown together in this voyage, which I appreciate greatly. As I have healed, I have regained my energy, or most of it, and my libido that had been absent for so long while I was so ill and then while taking care of a small child. I am much better now, but my husband still views me as mostly invalid, and I think he has trouble accepting me as a whole woman, on all planes including my sexuality. I realize that although he is older than I am, in many respects he is less mature than I am, especially from the point of view of sexuality: he seems stuck in early adolescence. I don't know if he was actually a virgin when we first got together, but almost. Most of all I think he is intimidated. He seems to have jumped from adolescence to middle age without ever living fully as an adult. He does still find me attractive, but I think he has decided he is too old to be interested in sex any more (not that it ever was a huge part of his life). I on the other hand feel like I have just entered my prime, and feel mis-matched with him. There is definitely a problem of avoidance. I think he has trouble with intimacy in general, but particularly physical intimacy. I don't think it's a problem of impotence, as all the plumbing works on those rare occasions when it is called upon. It is more a fear of sexuality in general, and a terror of mine in particular. You ask if I am still attracted to my husband. Yes, but much less than before, also because our physical relationship has been so scarce and disappointing for so long. Age has nothing to do with it: my husband is in his early 50's, but I had one lover who is 60 and another who is 40, and the 60-year-old is the one I still find so magnetic. I can still get turned on by giving him pleasure, but I have to fight my resentment of the one-sidedness of our interaction. He tends to take what I have to offer him and then turn over and fall asleep without paying much attention to my side of the equation, leaving me to cultivate my mechanical consort while he snores.We have talked about my feeling neglected and his feeling that I am absent, and each time we conclude that we need to make time for ourselves as a couple; each time nothing changes, except that at a certain point I got impatient and decided to go out and find myself someone to take care of the neglected parts of me. I asked him if he was still interested in sex with me, and he said he was, but I think basically he needs much less than I do. When I told him I thought I'd be happiest having sex 2 or 3 times a week he just stared at me: we have been having sex perhaps 5 times a year, if that, for years, and he hardly ever initiates. I asked him if he had anyone else, any lovers, and he denied it; I believe him. I asked him if he ever felt the urge to do something sexual if I didn't initiate, and he said yes, but that he never does anything about these urges, doesn't communicate them. I think he is referring to when every so often, very rarely, he will pat me under the covers, but the way he approaches me is so clumsy that it turns me off. I am sorry about this, really don't know what to do. What do you think?
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 April 2011):
Hello again. Somewhere in your last answer, I think you said your husband buries his head in his work (or something like that anyway).
So by that, are you saying that you and him have become alienated because of this?
Hence the need for other lovers.
If he is spending excessive hours at work each day, it seems like he is trying to avoid something.
Is it possible that he has an impotence problem?
If this is the case, men are often reluctant to talk about it or even think about it. They go into a state of denial. It definitely threatens their self confidence and masculinity, for sure.
Then they do whatever they can to avoid even getting physical at all. Excuses like tiredness, don't feel well, anything at all really.
An impotence problem can happen as a result of just one or two occasions where they have had an inability to sustain an erection. Perhaps the reason was that at some time he might have been on antibiotics and couldn't get a full erection, but not realize the antibiotics were the reason. This can happen.
Antibiotics are often taken for about 5-7 days, so if during that time he had problems, well then after that it would start to become more of a problem mentally than physically.
Other reasons for erection problems, are diabetes, heart disease. Different medications for these conditions can also cause erection problems.
Because if he has no real reason to spend so much time at work, and that the work can be done the next day, well then I'd say there's a reason why he's doing this. It sounds like avoidance of something in life he doesn't want to face.
If you sincerely want to make things work with your husband, you do need to talk to him about it. Don't just threaten to take other lovers - even though you have - but show your husband that you still love and respect him and that your relationship needs for you to be physically close with each other. It's a normal part of any relationship. And just ask him why he isn't interested in sex anymore with you.
Also let him know that your marriage is important to you, and he's important to you. He needs to know that.
Are you still attracted to your husband like you used to be when you first met?
Sometimes over a few years of marriage, couples forget to let each other know that they are still attractive, and both start to feel taken for granted. We all need to feel appreciated. Maybe he doesn't feel like he matters anymore, to you.
Perhaps you can think back to when his absences started to become noticeable to you. By absences, I mean long days at the office, than normal. Had anything happened - a death in his family (mother, father, brother, sister grandparents)? Because men won't often show or talk about their feelings, they often just go all silent and moody, but with no explanation. They just simply don't know how to express themselves. They often clam up altogether.
All feelings and thoughts need to be openly expressed to each other, especially as it affects the relationship. Don't keep them inside of you, because to do that eventually leads to resentment, which toxifies a relationship. It can spell the beginning of the end.
I feel that what you really want is a close, physical relationship with your husband, as well as an emotional closeness.
There's no doubt that physical closeness, will lead to emotional intimacy.
Once you can regain that physical closeness again, the emotional intimacy will naturally follow.
Then you will no longer have the need for other lovers.
Good luck and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know whether to answer here or provide an update to a thread begun last year, "addressing sexual incompatibility with my husband". I'll answer here, since the thread is shorter, but you will get a more complete picture reading the other thread.So, here's an update, after a year and a half. I did gradually cut down on seeing my lover, or whatever you want to call him; we had moved to 'just friends' status, but it was torture, I imagine for both of us. We hardly saw each other or spoke or even corresponded for over half a year, during which time I wept over him daily and sprouted grey hairs without saying anything about what had happened. It became not only unethical for me to work on him but also too painful for me to continue. Can't we just be friends, he asked? I told him that I had tried to be his friend but that it wasn't working, and I still had my problem that the only way I was going to have some form of sexual satisfaction was to find myself a lover, but he said he could not be my lover. 'Then I can't see you any more,' I said, 'because before I can find someone else I have to forget you.' I think I was able to do that because I had already begun a process of spiritual growth that probably would not have been possible had I not put myself through such hell over him. I was finally able to detach, and stop being so obsessive about him. In the meantime I did talk with my husband, making some small progress. Toward the end of the summer things became intolerable with him. I was tremendously frustrated and resentful of him because he seemed not to understand the severity of the situation in spite of repeated tearful scenes and explicit discussions about my needs and his. It always boiled down to his worries being primarily about work and finances and mine (though finances are not unimportant) being predominately about feeling loved and appreciated sexually. We went to see a therapist for several months, making no headway; maybe it was the wrong therapist, but it was costing money we didn't have, and while it made us recognize what we do have in common and the basic workability of this marriage, it did nothing for what I found the most painful lack of physical intimacy. I had told him (repeatedly, for over a year) that if things didn't change I would get myself a lover. Nothing has changed, if not his burying himself even deeper in his work - forget about weekly 'dates' we agreed we would like to take the time to go on, to strengthen the romantic side of our relationship. I did not tell him I had already had had an affair, as the actual episode seemed so far in the past as to be irrelevant. So there we were until just recently. The process of detachment continued, becoming a moment of genuine illumination a couple of months ago. What helped me let go of my lover also helped me stop feeling resentful of my husband. It was amazing - the minute I was able to detach from the relationship and from my neediness, the world was suddenly full of available men interested in me, which is how I found my current lover. (I know this sounds very strange, spiritual illumination bringing carnal bliss in a situation involving multiple extramarital relations, but that is the way it is.)I had been looking for a very simple relationship based on only sex, which is exactly what I got. It has been doing me loads of good: I am more relaxed, can be in a better mood at home, I am more patient and forgiving with my son and my husband. People tell me I look radiant: well of course! I just got fucked for three hours by a hot young stud, to put it vulgarly, how could I not look radiant? Maybe it is also my not getting very upset about anything any more, so the tension is gone. I hope for my young lover's sake that he does not get too attached to me though, as I cannot be a life-partner for him, which is what he told me he is looking for ultimately.When I saw my former lover again the other day he asked me how I was doing, and from my expression guessed that I had found myself another lover. He congratulated me and looked relieved, and laughed at me when I said my other relationship was curiously pure, almost Edenic. "What do you mean, pure? I thought it was a carnal thing?" Carnal yes, but pure in the sense that there was nothing else complicating things. The conversation moved on to other things but quickly turned to more or less explicitly sexual topics, and I think we were both a bit shaken by the amount of chemistry that is still there. I had been hoping that we could be friends, either just or with benefits, but I think he is rather overwhelmed by the power of that attraction between us and will not want to see me for fear of losing control. Paradoxically the tables have turned, and while formerly I was the one who was more attached to him, now I am the freer one. And to answer my own question, I think this will not change unless he undergoes a similar process of detachment and growth. And even then I don't think it will mean that the chemistry will go away, just our acceptance of it and our ability to enjoy it for what it is. Only if something horrible happens between us to ruin the respect we have for each other will it change, I think.I am still in a situation of infidelity to my husband, but as my young lover put it, he's been warned, and hasn't done anything about it, so he's asking for it. Fundamentally I am not looking to leave my husband, certainly not just for sex. If I met a phenomenal person embracing qualities of both my husband and my first lover, then maybe yes ... that would be worth leaving everything for. For now though I think the best thing is to leave things as they are. Ideally we would find a good therapist to help my husband with his sexuality so that we could have a satisfying love life within our marriage, but until that happens this is the way it will have to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): It definitely can go away but you need some form of closure on the situation. Until you meet someone else or start going on dates with other people you will feel that desire. I need to want someone else for it to become platonic friendship. Is a platonic friendship what you really want though?It does sound like you both still want each other sexually but does that mean emotionally too. Figure out what you want first then go about ways of getting it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011):
Yes, it can go away if the person you used to feel attracted to has changed a lot, say, putting on weight, losing hair or simply getting old ungraciously, or if your priorities have changed, and a good looking person with little brains is not your cup of tea anymore.
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reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (31 March 2011):
Hi there. If you did go back with him again, because of the attraction you still feel, it could easily become a Friends With Benefits affair.
In other words, meeting for sex only and nothing more. No going out to nice places and him spending money on you. Stuff like that.
When type of relationship did you have with him before you broke up?
- Was it a caring and loving one, or was it mainly sex?
- Did he spend money on you and take you to nice places?
- Do you believe that he genuinely cared about you and respected you?
- Did he treat you well?
- Did he ever take you for granted?
- Could you just sit and talk comfortably in a room about just about anything?
- Did you generally get along well?
- Did you ever meet his parents and family?
There's so many things that are indicators of a good relationship and the longevity of that relationship.
To have a great sex life is important yes, but there needs to be much more to a relationship than just good sex. If that is all there was, well then even the most fantastic sex on Earth soon wears very thin indeed. Sex alone, just doesn't have the substance to sustain a relationship.
In answer to your question - "Does chemistry ever go away?" - well that really depends on who else you meet in the meantime. It does sound like you are just freshly broken up, so that feeling for him hasn't faded as yet.
It also sounds like you haven't started dating anyone else yet either.
If you do decide to go back with him - try something different for a change, get to know him a bit better. Find out more about his life, his work and his family, friends, hobbies etc. This is supposing that you don't already know that.
Try to build more into what you have, instead of just making it about sex. You never know, it could be even better than what it was before.
In other words, don't just jump into bed with him as soon as you see him and stay there for the rest of the night.
You can do this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): to answer your question...No, chemistry and energy and natural elements that reside in us, it's what creates love, without out chemistry a relationship is dull, boring and just for mutual company and interests. Thousands of people would love that and finding it is very rare. I had a woman and it was magic with her and the chemistry turned to love, she has left for another town and I pine for her, I know she also feels the same. You are lucky so take the plunge or indeed just be friends.
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reader, cute angel +, writes (31 March 2011):
 well who says ex boyfriends cant be friends..i think its not impossible..if everything between you two is settled well,and u've put the other things in the past and let bygones be bygones and want the best for each other ,then i think it should not be a problem..but if ur still attracted to him which i think you are other wise u wldnt have cm up with a question like this,i would avoid meeting the guy not until this sexual chemistry dies down..cuz if u get into each other's pants its goin to be all bad,and the lunch that u guys could have now would be even more awkward later..
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