A
male
age
41-50,
*rongPlaceWrongTime
writes:Don't know if this in the right place for this? Anyone who has been through something similar your advice would be gratefully appreciated.Sorry if I'm a bit candid.My ex is a psychiatrist. She was controlling, abusive, cheated on me. She psychologically messed me up so much. You name it she done it. I was a doormat. We were together a long time. 3 years ago I finally made the break away. I had to. If I didn't I wouldn't be writing this now. When I did she went crazy. I told people what she was like. She told people I was lying and mad. Because of her profession.I've had therapy privately. I've read self help books. I refuse medication. Part of me refuses to let this beat me. The thing is after everything she has done I still think about her all the time. I don't know if I do still love her but it still hurts terribly. I feel like I miss her. I feel like the only person who can make this better is her. But I know this is what she wants and I know she is bad for me. I avoid places we use to go to in fear of seeing her. If my doorbell goes I panic. Heart pounds. For instance my brother asked me to accompany him on a trip. The destination was in an area close to where she lives now. But the closer we got the more anxious I got. In the end I freaked out. I couldn't bare the thought of possibly seeing her. Even though I know now that was highly unlikely. My brother had to turn back in the end. It's the 21st century and I don't even have a mobile phone anymore because she would coerce friends into giving her my mobile number. I've changed my email address several times. Anyway she somehow tracked me down and emailed me. She sent me photos of her and another guy saying she's having a great weekend and she hopes I am too. I was filled with so many different emotions. Fear, panic, anxiety, pain. It hurt seeing her with another guy but at the same time I thought what a cruel thing to do.I should add I have tried to date other woman. I think I've maybe been on a dozen dates in the past 3 years trying to get her out of my system but there has been no connection. No feeling. I actually fear women in a way. Scared what they think. Scared I may say the wrong thing.What do I do about this woman? Does anyone have any ideas?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): Why are you still stuck on her after 3 years?
I think your hoping you will get back with her and thats why your stopping yourself connecting with other women.
Stop dating other women and wasting their time, untill she is gone from your life.
I think she had control on you and you liked it in some way. Why are you still pining for such an evil woman??
What ever made you love her in the first place?!
She is not worth it and you could do alot better.
Its beyond me why some men fall for such women when thers so many nice decent girls out theresingle. I take it maybe she was a bit older than you am I right?? Older women can have power.
Anyway good luck and let us know how you are?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): You remind of a guy i was dating he told he he had no feeling or connection with me and his ex had ruined him. I told him to move on and she was only a bitch to him and i just think you should give anothrgirl a chance might help you move on and maybe you are over looking good things in these women you have dated. Let someone else love you and care for you and move on.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 Hi, my advice is going to be quite simple.
As you are a male, remember your innate, biological needs.
You need to be in CONTROL of your life once again & you need to find complete closure with your ex gf.
I would advise you to send her a letter, or an email, if visiting her in person, to let all your feelings off your chest, proves to be way too difficult for you.
I would assume that if you saw her in person once more, she will definitely start her negative, domineering ways again & this, you do NOT NEED, NOR WANT.
Stay & remain in control of YOUR life, maintain your complete independance & show her that you mean business, this time around.
Do not listen to any more tales that she has to share with you, particularly when she uses her forceful ways to communicate with you.
Remember always, "Love is not self-centred, unkind, disrespectful or controlling."
True love is always shared & it remains constant & grows with time, despite any ups & downs or difficulties, that 2 people should encounter together.
Your ex appears to have some serious issues, that she, herself needs to deal with & you do not have to carry her unecessary burdens. She uses her ego & her threats with you, bec deep down inside, she is very weak & needy.
She works within a profession that is supposed to help EMPOWER others, not use, abuse, frighten, bully or dominate an individual who never deserves that kind of treatment.
Run for your life my friend!! & DO NOT look back.
You can do much better & you will, but learn to re-love & re-respect yourself first, then you will surely attract a healthy minded woman, who will love you with all sincerity & believe me when i say, they are out there!
You just have to be patient & find her.
Good Luck & please keep us posted on how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 April 2014):
 Two words. Stockholm Syndrome.
"Stockholm syndrome is a complex psychological condition where the hostage becomes sympathetic towards the kidnappers. The syndrome is named after a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. It is an example of defense mechanism, in which the person develops emotional attachment with the nearest powerful adult. The condition is also called Trauma Bonding, in which the victim chooses to remain loyal to the abuser."
OP agony aunts on the internet will not be able to help you much, I'm afraid, you need psychiatric counseling and you need it NOW. Please dont think that taking medication is a failure on your part OP, medicines help us when we cant do so ourselves. There is NO shame in going in for therapy.
She has terrorized and abused you to an extent where you are not in control of your emotions anymore. I don't know what else to tell you except that you need therapy. Do have faith OP, things will certainly get better and you will be fine. You just need to keep telling yourself that whatever happened was in the past and is now over. Get as much support from family and friends as you can and do seek therapy.
Keep us informed OP. All the best...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This is a very hard story and it must be very hard for you. The first thing that comes to mind is that she made you dependent. She has controlled and abused you so bad that you forgot how it is to have a normal, healthy relationship/life.Your fear shouldn't be described as irrational, I can imagine the constant pain you have. it almost sounds like she was like a kidnapper to you and that IS NOT NORMAL. She proves to act like a good girl while she isn't. She was convinced you're lying and cheating, but is also sending you pictures of the other guy she's spending time with. She uses her profession in a bad way. She cheated on you, abused you, controlled you. As soon as you walked, she couldn't do what she was good at. You need to get out. Not just from her, away from your place. find your family and your closest friends. they can be the true therapists you need. TRAVEL. You have to find some sort of closure. Write her a letter, see her one last time and tell her all the things that has tortured you for the past years. SHE NEEDS TO RECOGNIZE IT. She needs to realize how much she has broken you. She has to apologize and you have to forgive eachother, how horrible she can still be. hoping that you are doing great, ISN"T ENOUGH on her part. say to her, straight in the face, what you want. get it out of your system. Instead of avoiding her, CONFRONT HER! Don't let this ponder for years, deal with it right now!you need a girl that can show you the healthy ways of a loving relationship.
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