A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months. We moved in with each other after 2 months. I'm really worried about the relationship. He's a good lovely person but my gut feelings lead my to think otherwise and horrible things. Before I met my boyfriend he was smoking cigarettes, heavy drinker, taking weed and a heavier stoner. I didn't know this in the first month of the relationship as it was long distance. We chatted a lot on the phone and I fell for him. When I found out he did all those things my heartbroke as I'm very health conscious, never taken drugs or smoke and have previously lost family members to this. I told him how I felt and he said he's been wanting to quit and get healthy for a long time. He promised me after that conversation that he had now quit. A week after we went on a night out and I caught him smoking behind my back. I was soo upset as I felt like he was trying to deceive me. he was doing it behind my back. We argued, cried and he promised that he wouldn't smoke again. I believed him and 9 months on he's been smoke free ( we live together and spend a lot of time together, so I kind of believe he's quit). I am very proud of him if that's the case but why do I get a feeling that he's lying or he's going to deceive me again? He's friends came up this weekend and one of the girls said that my boyfriend got in a fight with one of his friends for a cigarette. I didn't know about this event and it happened after he said he quit. I asked him and he said " it was in the early stages on quiting and I didn't bother telling you because I never smoked the fag, I swear on my mums soul " .. I believe him again...Why do I feel soo scared he's lying to me? When there's no actual evidence. I watched a programme of drugs today and they said you nose can get damaged and your nostrils become big when taking cocaine. I all of a sudden got worried and asked to see nose. All these horrible scared thoughts came into my mind that he's taking cocaine. He took it twice when he was a teenager hence I'm scared hell try it again. One of his nostrils did look bigger than the other but I don't know if that just me look at it too closely and making judgement quickly. Everytime I ask him about my worries he gets sooo angry. He says " I've told you the truth so many times, I'm sick of you not trusting and respecting me." He has a real anger problem so I can't talk to him about this without him shouting and calling me names. He's stopped drinking that much and he seems to be healthier. But I'm scared he's just doing it as a front for me and not actually for himself. I hope it's for himself and what he wants. when were apart I'm scared he'll do something stupid like do drugs, smoke or get so drunk. I always feel like he's lying to me or is going to deceive me in some way? I'm scared hell get so drunk one day that he cheats and hurts me by doing stupid stuff. Do you think there's any truth to my gut feeling or is it paranoia? Why is this gut feeling there? How do I resolve this? Please give me some guidance on this because I love the bones of him.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 OP, the reason you're insecure here is because you've abdicated some of your power to him. Instead of choosing to be with a man who doesn't smoke, you're relying on him to suddenly become a man who doesn't smoke so you can feel happy.And it's next to impossible for him to see quitting smoking as something he does for himself when you make it about you at every turn. OP, when you learn someone has certain habits, you should assume they always will, regardless of what they say, and decide from there if it's something you can live with. If not then you bite the bullet and move on. It will hurt for a while, but in the long run it will be better for everyone. That way you always have control over your own happiness and you're not at the mercy of someone else and what they might or might not do. Yes, habits can be broken, but if your boyfriend had wanted to quit his he'd have done so before meeting you. There are too many what ifs and maybes for you to base a solid commitment on. Stop questioning him, testing him, checking up on him and badgering him for constant reassurance. Just assume he smokes or will again and if you cannot live with this, move on.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (21 February 2014):
Smoking is the hardest habit to break. I've been a smoker for years and I will tell you right now, a screaming crying partner would make me want to sneak off for a smoke in the worst way, and yes of course I'd then lie to not have to listen to the screaming and crying. If you love him, then you need to be loving and supportive of his efforts to quit. There is also the possibility that he DOESN'T want to quit. If that is the case then you must either come to terms with it or if it's a dealbreaker then end it.You MUST stop with the tantrums though. It's unhealthy for your health conscious self, and it's childish, and it ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT WORK, EVER.
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