A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Pregnant, depressed, alone, and ruined my own life... guess it will be two lives ruined soon. I was dating a guy going through a divorce, he was funny, charming, passionate, I adored being around him. He was also my boss. That was a weird factor. I was supposed to discuss the possibility of having one or both my ovaries removed and the future case of a hysterectomy if tht didn't work this year around my thirtieth birthday with my primary. I left a man I was in absolute love with, because when I found out a year ago, I knew he wanted children in the future, and I was a few years older and told that my pcos was becoming aggressive. Too many occurrences of cysts. fast forward, here I am, pregnant, by my boss, who is still technically married, i quit my job because I am actually having pains related to the lifting at work, I lost my home, and yes, he offered me to stay with him, but i can't. I feel so stupid. I am with a guy, who is still in love with his wife, the wedding photo up. I gave up love a year ago, because I didn't think I could give him the life he deserved, only to become a whore for my boss. I feel so stupid. I don't know what to do. I ran off to stay with a family member in florida, I need help. I can't stop crying. I did this to myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, to clarify, I don't feel I ruined my own life. I guess I was scattered a bit when I wrote this. I feel I ruined this baby's life. I want my baby, I want to do right by him/ her. I am 18 weeks now, I am excited and scared. The father has recently gotten in touch with me through my family. I worry what will happen because I really don't have the best skills in the job market. I want to be independent of this guy. He is not the problem. I am. He has offered, he is willing to help financially, but as much as he goes with it, I know in his heart he is not ready. He just wants things to look right by his family. I ruined any chance of him and his wife getting back together. As far as anyone knows that wasn't an option, but they were together for almost ten years. I worry, because I wanted a child, but I wanted him or her to know they were born of love. I just need to get over the wrong doings of creating life by accident. I was blessed. You all have been very helpful. Thank you so very very much for honesty and perspective. I do appreciate it. And the time you took to respond. I will reread and take it in. Thank you again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Okay first thing first - you need to not sulk over your ex boyfriend. You set him free to pursue his own life & an eventual family. Would he have been ready now to have a baby even though he is younger than you? Chances are no. By the time he would have been ready, say at 30, you might definitely not been able to get pregnant. If he was serious about you, he would have married you back then and tried for a baby back then. He might have fought harder for you and refused to break-up over not being able to have kids with you. You're thinking about him because you are feeling very vulnerable.
Second, how far along are you. I know you're thinking this is a catastrophe - because it is with the wrong man. But, is it truly the wrong man? You say he isn't living with his wife -is he going through an actual divorce or separated? He cares enough to offer you to live with him. So this means something no? If you don't love him, then it is another story, but you really need to communicate with him. Who knows, he might actually be in love with you, or this pregnancy has made him think long and hard about finally cutting the strings with his ex. You just never know.
Third, you obviously have a safe place to turn to in times of need. You're family must be a great source of support and will be even more so when you have the baby. It's smart to move in with them - it takes some of the stress off of you.
Forth, how far along are you? If its early, you do realize that you can still have a miscarriage before week 12 right? One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. Alternatively, have you thought about abortion or adoption? I'm not sure about the abortion route, it sounds like this may be you one chance to have a child. I have a friend who has PCOS - fell pregnant at 19 to her dismay. However she kept the child. Ten years later she is infertile - now she truly desires a second and cannot.I have a second friend with PCOS who at 32 cannot get pregnant either. Consider yourself lucky - this is just meant to be.
Fifth, remember you're in your first trimester. I'm 11 weeks pregnant right now and your age - the hormones are horrible. It's the most emotional trimester. So be kind and patient with yourself and this whole situation. Understand that part of your devastation is hormonal. NO, you did NOT ruin your life. My God, you're having a baby when you thought you couldn't! This suddenly has opened the door to a very different future for you - kid visiting from college, christmas holidays with your very own family, Grandkids....Over the long run, this is an amazing situation. You're no longer going to have a life void of immediate family. Amazing really!
Sixth - you are 29. You can pick yourself up again. I just lost my job, I quit - because the pain in my neck it was causing. I'm jobless and pregnant. All I can do is laugh (and sulk alot) and be grateful for having family around. I'm going to start my doctorate slowly part-time and have this baby. You see, you just need to re-adjust, reinvent and tackle problems head on. Things don't work out, you make it work. You're so young, this in no way has ruined your life. Not a chance. It's changed it and in the long run, for the better.
Seventh - go to a counselor to talk through this. Spend time with family and friends. If you're feeling okay, go to the gym and for walks to get your mood up. Start applying for school or think about the type of job you will want next spring...start making plans and talk to people.
In all, I think you'll be quite alright. This is a tough time, but it sounds like you have a supportive family in Florida. Start working through this problem step by step and learn to be flexible. Life is never perfect, but it all happens for a reason.
Hugs.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 June 2013):
 You've got good advice from anon and chigirl... so let that be your "guide"....
Meanwhile, please remember that "life" can last a long time.... and this (incident) will prove transient, and you will have lots and lots of good times in the future... Keep your chin up, and face the future with unbridled optimism....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Your life is NOT ruined. It's just taking a difference course. A course you didn't plan for. You planned to stay childless. And you gave up love, or rather, you set your love free, because you loved him and wanted him to have his dreams of a family. That was noble of you, and a good thing. Do not cry for that now, you made the right decision at the time. You didn't plan for a child. You were right to let him go. Besides, who knows, by the time he would have gotten ready, you wouldn't have become pregnant. It just wasn't the time and place.
But now, life has taken a turn for the unpredictable, and that's what is scary. Now that you see your plan for life has been turned upside down. But, an altered course isn't the same as "doom" or "ruin".
Have you seen your doctor? What are the prognosis for keeping the child when you have cysts? Are there complications, or will the child (and yourself) be healthy? If you both have good health at the end of the pregnancy, then no, surely, no lives are ruined.
Things will be tough, yes, but you will pull through. You are allowed to cry, and you should. It's quite a change in your life, and it is difficult to find your place now that everything has been turned upside down. But do not give up, you still have your whole life ahead of you. You're about to be 30 soon, still young and active! And a baby, a child that you didn't think you'd ever have... it is a blessing, not a curse. So it didn't happen in the most planned way, or perhaps the most desirable way. So what. Your child is still your child, no matter the circumstances.
Forget about the married man though. He's married, he'll stay with his wife, and your life will be easier without him there to complicate things. He'll pay child support, and he'll be a father in whatever form. But he will not be your man, nor should you hope for it. You don't need him, he's already complicated your life enough. He'll just continue to complicate your life, so don't get too involved with him outside of what is needed. Be civil, but don't be lovers.
Maybe you should contact your old boyfriend and tell him what happened? You loved him a great deal, and I suspect he loves you as well. What you need now is people who care for you, and friends who love you. Perhaps your ex is ready to be of support to you, he knows you well after all. Just as a friend. But a friend who knows what's going on.
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