A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here goes my insecure, slightly paranoid post.My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years, we live together, have a puppy together and want to spend our lives together. However I keep getting caught up in things, mainly social media things. My boyfriend is into biking and uses social media to promote this and keep his followers interests. But he barely posts anything about me or our dog. He says it's because he doesn't feel the need to because he's happy and content. I hate feeling like it matters but I do feel it does, he use to post a lot about his ex and say how stunning she was or how much he loved her. And he's told me how unhappy he really was and how she would often ask him to post things, but I can't help but compare... Which I shouldn't.I'm just unsure how to manage my insecurity around this and around social media in general.
View related questions:
his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): I can understand and relate to your feelings of insecurity. Without any acknowledgement of you on his social media, it almost seems misleading. If he had that he is "in a relationship" with you, then he isn't trying to keep you a secret. If there is no evidence of a relationship, then worrying would be normal. Men who are proud of a significant other show it off. Men who are not content, or being sneaky, don't show any relationship status. I know this, because my boyfriend of 3.5 years had zero evidence of me on his Facebook, so that he could sneaky flirt with other women. He left for one of those women. So for me, if I am going to be giving my heart in a relationship, I need to see he is proud of me. I hope that he has evidence of you somewhere on his social media.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (27 November 2020):
 I always thought I was in the minority with my way of thinking about social media but after reading the responses of some of the wisest aunts/uncles on here, I see we all think along the same way.
Happy people don't need to boast and brag about their relationships. They are just living life. People that take to social media many times are trying to prove something to others and themselves how WONDERFUL their life is. Many people just outright lie on social media.
If you are happy, then you are happy. You don't need to shout it from the mountaintops. Your boyfriend sounds like he did it to make his ex happy. Believe what he says. Stop worrying about social media. Its a joke.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (26 November 2020):
 I've always believed that the strength of a relationship is inversely proportional to the amount it is bigged up on social media. People who are happy don't need to prove anything to others. On the other hand, people who suspect others know they are not happy will go out of their way to try to prove how happy they are in their relationship.
I base this theory on watching many friends, colleagues and others I know and noticing what goes on in their relationships as compared to their social media.
Friend #1 married a man a short while after meeting him in order to beat her ex to the altar as he had dumped her for one of her friends. She also rushed into having her first child for the same reason. From the start there were big money issues in the relationship. Her husband turned out to have very expensive tastes but an inability to hold down any sort of job which paid a decent wage due to his temper and inability to take orders from anyone. My friend, on the other hand, is a trained professional who earns a lot more money than her husband. I have lost count of the number of times she has left and gone back, even having a nervous breakdown at one point. She will not finish the relationship, despite them fighting all the time, because she has to prove to her ex that she did better than he did (he is now divorced). Despite the horror behind their front door, her social media account is constantly full of happy family photographs and simpering posts about what a wonderful husband he is. To the outside world they live the perfect life; her friends know the truth.
Friend #2 has been in hospital as a result of beatings from her partner more times than I care to remember. This abuse has been going on for years. Luckily, in recent times, she has started to fight back and consequently doesn't get abused as much as previously as her partner, who is 20+ years older than her, is not as strong as he used to be and can't overpower her any longer. She has been begging him to marry her as long as I can remember (they've been together about 25 years) but the best he could do for her was agree to have her name tattood on his wedding finger, just as she had his. This took place after a spell in prison on drug charges, when he promised her he would marry her when he came out. He has cheated on her countless times with any woman who will have him, left her short of money for herself and their two daughters, and generally disrespected and abused her in every way possible. Despite this, she worships the ground he walks on and constantly posts about what a wonderful father and partner he is. Her friends, who have seen the bruises and the bling trinkets she gets by way of apology know the real score.
On the other hand, all the friends I have who have happy healthy relationships hardly ever mention their husbands/partners/wives on social media, except if there is something special or funny going on. They have nothing to prove to anyone.
Listen to your boyfriend and just be happy without having to prove it to all and sundry. There are two of you in this relationship. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2020): Your boyfriend is mature enough to know what he should focus on; and how he should expose specifics about his private-life on the internet. Your insecurity about his ex is a matter that you need to deal with. You are mature and experienced enough about life to know that you're not in a teenage puppy-love; you're two full-grown adults over 30! Your relationship has depth and meaning, that comes by time and experience.
He might have been much younger and immature at the time he was with his ex. He has learned much and changed since. He's too old to be posting lovey-dovey pictures online about his girlfriend and a puppy. He shouldn't be flaunting you for your looks; that's disrespectful. He shouldn't want other guys gawking at your body, or objectifying you.
He obviously objectified and idolized his ex for her physical-appearance. That didn't even work-out, after all the hoopla and bragging. Possibly because he wasn't mature enough to know better; in spite of what his chronological-age was at the time.
Advertising your wife or girlfriend for their looks over the internet is inviting random guys to contact her; or to flirt and make unwanted passes. There is a price to pay for that reckless behavior. You're selling her off on the meat-market!
If you're cognizant of the fact you're being insecure and paranoia; then be mature enough to manage it and get it under control.
If he bragged about her, that was because he was being superficial. He wasn't appreciating her for who she was/is; or recognizing her for her personality and inner-beauty. You're more than just eye-candy, he obviously cares more for you than you want to believe. Different person, different feelings. You're the one in his heart now.
If he neglects to let you know he finds you attractive; then let him know you feel he doesn't make you feel he finds you to be a lovely lady. It's important to you to hear that from time to time. Not to cater to your insecurities; but because you want to be fully appreciated on every level as a woman.
Comparing you to someone else isn't fair, when you're an individual with her own unique personality and physical-attributes. If he tends to do that, then suggest that he never do it in your presence. It makes you feel he's judging you as less attractive compared to her. In fact, she shouldn't be topic for discussion. She's history! Keep thoughts about her to himself!
What would be even worse, is feeling forced to robotically compliment you to appease your jealousy and insecurity about his ex. Your insecurities are not altogether his fault. Although any mention of her should be rare to none. This is the present, she's the past.
Why would he commit to you, if he was only looking for someone to showoff? He has outgrown the guy he used to be. He treats you with more respect. You're in real-time, forget about pics on a screen! You're warm, lovely, and luscious! Always at his side.
If you need to be more appreciated for looking nice for him; then let him know it makes you feel bad hearing him brag about her, but never noticing how nice you always try to look. Not for the sake of being showered with empty-compliments; but because you want to please his eyes, and be his woman. Fact is, you're beautiful whether he tells you or not! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! If he misses that fact, other guys are surely noticing it without publishing it allover the internet!
You're visible to the world, but there should be more to you than what meets the eye. Maybe that's what he appreciates about you above his ex!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2020): My husband has Facebook.. I dont .. as my mama told mama told me if a man gonna cheat .. hes gonna cheat there nothing you can do about it as it's his behaviour and you cant control that . What you focus on is how he treats you .. if he keeps treating you and doggy good . He doesnt ignore you . Hes not secretive about it . Then your fine .. focus on you ans him ans keeping that bond strong and reminded him .. he wouldn't get any better than you ..if he says your ego showing . Reply ..I know my worth with a smile .. If your not involved with his hubby then go out with your friends .. when he is out .Your not paranoid at all.. in the age where media can effect relationships even bumping into someone in car park shop could as well.. just be aware that sometimes something doesn't last forever and if it didn't you would survive .I'm lucky I have been with my husband since school cause he knew a good thing .. hes 2 years older- but if he left me or strayed.. it would devastated me but it wouldn't crush me ans it would be his loss .Have confidence sweetie .. chin up hugs x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 November 2020):
 I think he knew that with his ex he posted a lot of fake stuff. Because he wasn't happy and he only posted stuff to try and keep her happy.
He doesn't want a repeat "performance" of his last relationship. He wants to keep his private life PRIVATE (online).
So how do you think HE feels when YOU also want him to post more about you?
Why does his "followers" (people you don't know, people HE doesn't really know) need to know about how happy you are and your puppy?
You are feeding into the who idea that people's social media is reality. That it's how life is. YOU know it's not.
So what do you want? For others (total strangers) to think your life and relationship is AMAZING!
OR to have an amazing life and relationship that people around you WHO SEES YOU and KNOWS YOU admire?
How much he posts about you and your puppy online doesn't mean he LOVES you more, or that he loved his EX more because he posted fake crap about her!
Grow up! you are in your 30's, don't be so thirsty for living your "best life" online.
Enjoy WHAT you have with your BF, GET off social media if you feel you have to CURATE a persona and fake life on there. It's so unhealthy.
...............................
|
