A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for about 5 years. I've been thinking back on our time and have realized a few things. First, we've never had a happy holiday season.4 years ago, we were broken up.3 years ago, we were fighting because his ex sent me msgs where he was behaving inappropriately. 2 years ago and last yr, he was traveling for work so we didn't spend it together. This year, he's also traveling, this time to visit home, as we've been living elsewhere for the past year and half. Christmas has also been a very weird time. 4 years ago, we spent it together and it was nice. 3 years ago, we spent it apart and he was working. 2 years ago, we spent it together but he slept most of the day. Last year, he left christmas day because he had to work and stopped talking to me for several days.He gets weird around the holidays. He shuts off. I can understand if its not a happy time for him because his family doesn't celebrate holidays or anything much, heres the thing. We have our own family. We have 3 kids and one on the way and I struggle every holiday season to make it memorable and happy for them with an absent father. He disappears and we just have to make do. Its fine, I can handle making memories for us, but sometimes enough is enough. This year, its hard because this pregnancy isn't particularly easy and he left again to spend the weekend with his family, a family that was never very nice to me. They were also a big source of unhappiness for me throughout our relationship. A year and a half ago I finally had enough and left, and I'm grateful that he came with, because we've started building a nice life on our own. I dont really know what I'm asking. I just know the holidays don't carry the greatest memories of our own family for me, but I really try to stay present with the kids, and I dont get much help around this time from him and it sucks. I always feel like I carry "our" family on my own and he just comes in and out as he pleases, and I'm really exhausted. But I have to make it happen regardless.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2020):
 Maybe not text or call him while HE is gone?
That way YOU can focus on YOU and the kids. IF he has anything to TALK to you about, GE can make the effort.
You ARE carrying your little family. No doubt about it. I think he is partially punishing you for moving away from his family. If he partook in verbally abusing you with his dad, don't you think it's because he AGREED with what was going on?
Do you NEED him around? I mean, I get you want your kids to grow up with a mom and dad, but IS he really being a good dad? A good husband?
Lastly, I would also hope you have no further kids with him. You already have your hands full!
The only thing I will add is that if you WANT change in your marriage you HAVE to be able to TALK to him, tell him what YOU need.
It all seems so passive- aggressive on his behalf.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): You'd think it would go without saying that we spend the holidays together. I'm not sure if his intentions were we all go to his family's, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. The trauma that I endured, verbal/emotional abuse from him, his father, stepmother and grandfather are all things I'd rather not revisit at the moment. And with this pandemic and being 8 months along, travel doesn't seem plausible or reasonable. I feel like he's inconsiderate/selfish on that level, but also while he's gone, he's distant. I often don't hear from him all day. He's vague. I get that maybe he needs to be alone, but I feel like our weaknesses as a couple/family are more apparent when he leaves, and maybe that's what bothers me the most. It doesn't make a difference if hes here or not. The only change is that his physical presence is missing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 November 2020):
Been there done that, except my husband was gone most of the holidays for work (Army) and I had no family nearby to help out, but some good friends, so it was mostly on me.
My kids had the best Christmases I could make. Planning a Christmas light trip, baking cookies for Santa, ( I did most of the shopping for gifts online because I could do that after they went to sleep, they helped decorating so sometimes the tree looked bottom-heavy with decorations because they were short :) Making cards for friends/relatives. Make some DYI ornaments with the kids. Weekly Christmas movie night with hot chocolate. Etc. JUST to name a few.
Don't overdo Christmas stuff. It's not about doing a TONNE of stuff, it's about stuff together. Make your OWN traditions.
Find things that are DOABLE for you in your condition.
And tell your husband that you feel HE and the KIDS are missing out when he just buzzes off to his family instead of spending time with his kids.
While I get that HE doesn't have beef with HIS family, YOU do, he should still see them, I find it odd that he just leaves a pregnant wife with 3 kids and skedaddle off like that. That sounds utterly selfish.
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