A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married for 15 years with 2 children. I reconnected with the woman I have loved my entire life by accident and we began an affair. It has lasted for over a year and we are soulmates and madly in love. We want to be together forever. She is separated with 2 kids. We live 1000 miles apart and realisticly cannot move to be with each other right now but being together is all we want. I am overwhelmed with guilt, obligation, and the fear of hurting my wife and kids. If I leave, I will be without my love 3/4 of the time anyway because of the distance and responsibilities to our own kids. If I stay then not being with the one I love will haunt me forever...I care for my wife but am not in love with her....what to do?
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (9 May 2008):
 I am pretty sure i've found a soul mate every time i've been drinking beer for a few hours and then switched to highballs. Just so you don't think I am raining on your parade i hooked back up with.... and I promise you this woman would be my soul mate if ever there was one for me. I still could easily fall back in love with this woman with like 10 minutes of some kind of affirmation from her. But I looked her up between my two marriages and started seeing her...... just as innocently and asexually as a guy is possible of being. Which if you are holding your breath sitting across from your soul mate can be very asexual because being with that person that above all others, that is the omnipresent lifelong head and shoulders above the rest, soul mate,I was gonna do this with all the maturity and respect for her and her marriage that I could muster. We just met for lunches etc. And we told her husband we were hanging out. Thats how fucking respectful of all involved we were being. Coming out of the train wreck of a marriage that I was in, I needed a friend. I didn't need to get involved in another train wreck. Well after three or four months she suddenly said we have to stop meeting. No answers. no explanations. I just figured her husband wasn't comfortable and I surely didn't blame him so I got lost. So like a year or so I bumped into her and some guy. Not her husband. Wasn't the husband who had a problem. It was the guy she was banging behind her husbands back.. he wasn't comfortable with her seeing me and made her stop. So for what thats worth...I know soul mates and you can have'em.
A
female
reader, Rx2  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Like you and a few others here, I have found my soulmate; I am not using the term Soulmate loosely! I have also been married for 15 years, I have children and after a long emotional journey, I have recently ended my marriage.
Without going into my own experience I have to say, "I know exactly what you are going through". Nothing will replace a true soulmate - there are no words to truly explain the intense love shared between soulmates.
Unfortunately, there is no 'rule book' on how to handle any situation when it comes to love. There are many 'belief systems' in place, but it is YOU who has to figure out what is right for you. I personally do not conform to societies beliefs or that of the church (not anymore). There is much more going on in this world than 96% of the population realize.
So Please consider this advice:
If this woman is really your soulmate, you will find your way back to one another. Simply put, it might not be your time yet! You might need to 'grow' a little more before that time will come. There are no certainties on WHEN it will happen or if it will happen; this will be a time for your own personal growth. She has come into your life for a reason. Only you know what that reason is! (hint: its to shake up your marriage) Now its up to you to figure out your marriage. There is no guarantee that a soulmate is meant to be in our lives for long. You have to really search your own soul to know this (as this is what I have done). You will know if you allow yourself to see! If you are meant to be, you will be (I hate that it almost sounds like a cliche.
But the first thing you have to do is this:
You have to give proper respect to your marriage, children and the last 15 years you've spent with your wife.
If you leave your wife, leave because the marriage is not working. End it (or stay with it) for the right reasons - only you know what they are. Go to marriage counseling first. Find a good couples therapist and dont just go for 3 sessions. TRY to find out the reason for the breakdown of your marriage and understand this- learn from it.
Show the proper respect to the woman you spent the last 15 years with - the woman who gave you children. The woman you will be 'attached' to for the rest of your childrens lives.
If you chose to leave, You need to learn from your past experiences so you dont take the 'issues' into your next relationship. Dont leave your marriage for someone else, leave your marriage because it is what is best for you and your wife. It may be hard to imagine that leaving your wife might do her good, but it just might! But you both have to learn from your mistakes if you ever wish to grow. You have to properly end your marriage if you wish for your children to survive the divorce.
Its not easy. I can tell you this. It will be the hardest time of your life. As I have said to my soulmates wife, "its a lot easier to stay in an unfulfilled marriage than to leave it"..... the only difference is; you gain so much more personal growth if you make your own decisions. If you are true to yourself you will be happier inside. And only you can figure out what is right for you - not staying (and actually making it work) or leaving (and making everything work)!
Good Luck with your situation!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): If you know your soul mate but are not with them, you'll spend your life wondering 'what if'. Although it does seem like a waste of so much with your wife if you just end it, if you are sure this is your soul mate, then be with them. Otherwise things will just eat away at you for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I know what you are talking about. I am a 39 year old woman, married with 2 children. I have been married for almost 19 years. My soul mate is 1 state away from me and I do know he is the one. I have known him since we were 16 years old. Long before I met my husband. We went to the same high school, same college. I loved his family and he loved mine. So what happened?? When we left college he joined the military where he still is today. I went on to marry my husband. We kept in touch for a few years, him and my husband knew each other but his wife was jealous of our relationship so I bowed out. Within the last year he found me again. We talk on the phone and he has been divorced for over 2 years now. He also has children from that marriage. I'm torn by this. I don't want to hurt my husband, but I have loved this person for over 23 years. I'm not sleeping with him, nor would I until it came time to leave my current situation. The phone calls will have to do for now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): My God Man…Don’t be a selfish prick…SOUL MATE?!?!?! Your wife should be your soul mate, you married her. You have 2 kids, have you even thought of them or is this all just about you. Follow through on your commitment to your family (look it up in the dictionary). I’m pretty sick of men and women that get bored…YES BORED!!!...with there spouse and jump into bed with someone else then pull any excuse out of their ass that they can to stay in an adulterous relationship. If you weren’t done “sowing your oats” then you should have never gotten married or fathered 2 children with this woman. I hope she hears about this somehow and leaves your ass AND your “soulmate” should be ashamed of her damned self for staying in this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): Although yo do not want to hurt your wife, you are being unfair to her by not being truthful. if you have truly met your soul mate then you have to trust and have faith that it will work out for all some how. If you are not meant to be with your wife then you must know that she is also not meant to be with you. I am in the same situation myself, except i am 3000 miles away and i did leave my husband. He has your fear, and because of this i had to end it because he did not want to hurt his wife. he was waiting for the right time and hoping that with their growing apart she would feel she wanted to end their marriage. His fear caused him to lose me (his soul mate). I ended it 5 days ago, and it has been the hardest thing i have ever done. if you are madly in love with her and believe you can have a life together you should follow your heart. Your dreams sometimes come unexpectadely and with obstacles, that you will certainly be able to get through. Don't live your life in fear because it only drags out your hapiness, and why would anyone ever want to do that.
Barb in BC
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): The simple truth is that we live in a world that we are judge by either God or society. If that was not the case we would pack up our bags and head off to be with our Soulmates. What I have discovered is that we sometimes get into new relationships without closing up the old one. For instance, why did not work on your relationship with your soulmate when you were first together? Why did you include your wife into a life that you were not willing to dedicated 100% of yourself --
I believe that if you truly love someone, and hit a rough patch, try to fix it and don't just walk away. Also, be fair with your wife, don't exhaust the best years of her life, then dump her when all she has known is you and your love, and as you know it is harder for women (older women) to start anew, unlike men its not that easy for women.
Live, Love, Be.
Misty
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): I'm guessing that things were not going so great between you and your wife to begin with. I don't believe that a married couple find another if they are in a healthy, loving relationship together.
Since you have children, (depending on how old) you might want to try therapy first. Try everything you can to find out what you can do to rekindle the love between you and your wife first before you leave her to be with another.
Through therapy you will discover a lot about yourself. You might discover things about yourself that you are not aware of and it might be just the thing that will become a problem in the future, again and again and again.
If after therapy and a good and fair chance you find that you and your wife can not recreate the love that you desire and you are still convinced that you have met your true soulmate, then you will have to make that painfull decision of leaving your current marriage to be with another.
I wish the very best for you and your family. These things happen to more people then you might be aware of:)
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A
female
reader, womaninlove  +, writes (2 April 2008):
This dilemma I can identify with because exactly the same happened to me. I met my "other half" aged 17 and fell instantly in love. He was in his early 20's and not ready to commit, although I believe my feelings were reciprocated (must ask him!). Due to circumstances our lives branched off in different directions and a few years later he married. Over the past 30 years our lives have interwoven and we have reconnected, but unlike you, we have NOT embarked on an affair. This is not because we do not want to, it is because we do not feel we have the right to hurt his wife (no children involved). We can't make ourselves fall out of love, after all these years, and in fact, I would say that our love has blossomed without sex. We do not date and only see one another incidentally. It is too painful to be together knowing that we cannot be together in every sense of the word, so we do not make a regular commitment to seeing one another, but when we do, the electricity and the fire between us is intense. In a funny way, it is deeper and more satisfying than sex. I do not want to hurt his wife because to do that would be effectively to hurt him. I will never ask him to leave his wife because he loves her, and would not hurt her. I could not be truly happy with him if he came to me under those circumstances. Of course I miss him and of course it hurts, it hurts worse than anything else I have ever experienced. He is everything to me that your soulmate is to you, so I know how you feel. My opinion is that you ought not to have embarked on an affair. I feel that it would have been better to have dealt with your marital issues first. If you have to leave your wife, it should not be for your soulmate, it should be for you. Unfortunately your wife knows about your soulmate now and will obviously blame your soulmate for any marriage breakdown. This is likely to lead to bitter recriminations I am sure you could do without. I can't judge you as some others have, because I know full well the intensity of the emotions you have been grappling with. For anyone else reading this, these emotions are absolutely overwhelming and impossible to ignore. I am just lucky that I am a very strong person, and so is my "other half". I call him my other half because we are like twins, identical in almost every respect. I live in eternal hope that one day we will be together, but if we are, it will not be at the expense of another person's happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank those who have given me honest and direct advice/opinions. I truly appreciate it. I wanted to follow up and give a little more detail and ask for some more feedback. I met my "soulmate" at age 18, when she was 17. We had a friendship for a good 5-6 years but romance was never part of it from her end. I fell in love the minute I met her...literally. I met my wife when I was 24 and married at 26. I last spoke/saw my soulmate about 1 year before I got married...eight years later I seeked her out thru an internet search and we exchanged emails and conversations for about 2 weeks until we stopped because it felt like we were not being fair to our spouses. This was 1999...I thought of her almost every day prior and every day since. She separated from her husband in the summer of 2006 and found me on a similar search in Jan of 2007...We began a friendship/relationship like neither of us has ever had...In a year plus, we have spent literally 3-4 hours per day communicating. We love everything about each other...we finish each others sentences...I adore her. My wife found out about it 6 months ago but wants to put it behind us and stay together. I downplayed the extent of the relationship and my true feelings and she thinks it was just a vulnerable time in my life and an old friend gave me some excitement and comfort. In the year my soulmate and I have spent about 30 days together which doesnt make a life but I so want to try...I know if she lived in the same town as I did, i would be out already...that is a fact. But she doesnt, and what kind of a future can we realisticly have?..But not being with her is killing me. I also hate the idea of not being honest with my wife...I'm trying but my heart belongs to another and always will..(and always has)..though my life with my wife was always very good I never had a day with her like I've had at every moment with my soulmate...My soulmate and I havent communicated for a month now because it is too painful...she said I should find her when I am free....and thats where I am right now....tormented and hollow
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Wow, what a tough situation. I know what true, soulmate love is and I can't imagine what it would be like to live with a person who you dedicated your life to but feel that connection with another. Your wife deserves to be treated with respect and so do your children. If you stayed in the marriage but continued the intimacy and closeness with your "soulmate", you will ALL suffer dire consequences. You won't be happy and neither will your wife- she'll know that you're not really there with her. Women are good for that. The kids will suffer too because even before you two can see it, they'll know that mom and dad aren't happy. If you've made up your mind about this other woman, I say that you should end it with your wife. You should be happy and so should she. Hopefully you've raised your kids to be understanding and tolerant of human behavior. They will suffer the most unfortunately. You have to weigh the scales. Would you rather them see a role model live in misery and suffer or change their idea of responsibility and integrity? It's a damn hard place you're in. They can see both sides, mom and dad miserable and dad leaving to be happier. Think about the message that sends. Can you handle it? That's the big question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): I, take you,
to be my lawfully wedded wife,
knowing in my heart that you will be
my constant friend,
my faithful partner in life,
and my one true love.
On this special and holy day,
I affirm to you ,
in the presence of God and all those in attendance,
my sacred promise to stay by your side as your faithful husband,
in sickness and in health,
in joy and in sorrow, as well as
through the good times and the bad.
I promise to love you without reservation,
honour and respect you,
provide for your needs as best I can,
protect you from harm,
comfort you in times of distress,
grow with you in mind and spirit,
always be open and honest with you,
and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
HOW MANY OF THESE VOWS HAVE YOU BROKEN?
HOW MANY MORE ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK?
Set your wife free, let her find someone less selfish who trully cares for her and go and live in the bed you created. You never know it might be a comfy soft bed but even those beds get holes and crumble eventually.
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A
female
reader, stem1981 +, writes (23 March 2008):
Never leave a relationship for someone else. Just because you love your soulmate, and think that you are soulmates that doesnt mean that you are soulmates. Ask yourself how you felt about your wife at the beginning of the relationship. Did you think you both were soulmates to? Nothing lasts forever and it you leave you wife for your self then atleast this will involve personal growth and will make you realise that you were trully not happy with your wife and needed to be alone.
To leave for your soulmate puts pressure on your relationship with her as it will become a burden, as when things go wrong for you and her (This is the real world and even soulmates face problems) you will have the constant reminder that you left your wife and kids to be with her. That reminder will be on both sides.
How long has she been seperated from her husband? Are you sure you are not her rebound?
I just feel as though you have a lot of questions and you have alot to feel guilty for as you will be breaking many hearts. However, as the saying goes 'you only live once' so who knows what will be.
One last point if you are still sleeping with your wife and having this affair you have alot to answer for and this is damn right selfish and unfair and I believe that your wife deserves more respect from you. How do you know that your soulmate is not still sleeping with her seperated husband? If you are still sleeping with your wife does your soulmate know this. If you are lying to your soulmate then how do you know that she is not doing the same. If you are not sleeping with your wife then hands up to you.
For now though talk to your wife and tell her why you are not happy in your relationship with her.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Just wanted to add what dearkelja has mentioned- the longer you continue with this deception, the more damage it will do to BOTH relationships. Your uncertainty does nothing to contribute to either and so I really would approach your divorce with a view of living alone. This will keep you more objective about potentially divorcing and you can then tackle one situation at a time. I don't think anything will be resolved if both you and your soulmate are just separated from your spouses- it's just continuing that same uncertainty with either of you being able to go back "home" at any time.
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A
female
reader, Emmy-Lou +, writes (22 March 2008):
 This is a very tricky situation.
Is there any particular reason why you have stopped loving your wife?
If your not too sure, maybe you should about looking into help within your marriage.
Sit down and talk to your, don't mention your other love and see how she feels. If she loves you, then there may be a way you can try and work it out for the sake of your kids.
If she doesn't love you, then it might make this situation a little less complicated.
But the question you really need to ask yourself is: "are you really sure that you want to hurt your kids, and what if it doesn't work out between you and your love?"
You may risk everything for something that was never meant to be. Please, please, please think about this long and hard before you give up your family.
Hope this helps and good luck.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (22 March 2008):
 You have already hurt your wife by having an affair for over a year. The longer you continue with this deception, the more it will hurt her. If you truly do not love your wife then you need to do her a favor and cut her loose so that she can find someone who will love her. Besides, you have stated that your heart belongs with another.
Staying married to someone because you care for them is not good enough. So, I say move on with your life and take the guilt as it comes. You do have a lot to be guilty about why not come clean with yourself and your wife. I would not recommend telling everyone (kids and wife) that you are leaving for someone else. Your kids will hate you for it and they will never have a good relationship with her. So if you think she will be in your life, don't bring her out now.
You should not concern yourself with not being with the one you love 3/4 of the time as your first priority is to settle your marriage so that you can move forward and start to work out that plan. It is always best to leave without the thought of someone else to fall back on. So think about your future as you alone and see how that makes you feel. Who knows what will happen with your love, she is only separated and could easily go back to her husband.
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