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I'm married and in love with another man.

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 27 January 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am a 23 year old female and I have been married for 8 months. My husband and I have been together since I was 18 years old. I was head over heels in love with my husband up until about 7 months before we got married. I am a christian and my husband isn't. I met a great christian guy who started attending the church I go to. He is divorced and has a daughter. There was a slight attraction, but I stayed faithful to my, then fiance. He warned me about getting married to someone who didn't share the same dreams and goals as me, at least spiritually. Six months into my marriage, I caught my husband with another woman during a short period of separation. Seeing him with someone else completely tore me apart. It has been extremely difficult to forgive him. Needless to say, I no longer desire him sexually and have an image of him in my mind that he is a loser and will never do anything with his life. My christian friend and I often communicate through email and at church. We've become very close, although I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I feel like I made a mistake in getting married and now like I'm in love with my friend. We've never actually talked about our feelings, but I notice little things he does to make me happy and try to get my attention. My attraction to him is killing marriage and my spiritual connection with God. I can't stop thinking about him and find any little reason to email him or call him. What should I do? Should I try to make my marriage work, although I'm miserable? Should I tell my husband about my feelings? Should I tell my friend how I feel? Please help me.

View related questions: christian, divorce, fiance, period

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009):

wow pinkypromise, you're in the top 5% of happy marriages and you want to risk it all? I tend to read between the lines. You say when he invited you to church, you felt 'this' is whats missing in your life. You are attracted to the "Jesus" in your driver. True christians have the traits of Jesus- that's Very Attractive, and a light of hope to people. But as a christian, we are not immune to temptation. Seducing him is wrong, and will hurt you, possibly ruin your or his marriage. You will feel dirty if you carry this thought through. Please reconsider and find a spirit-filled church in your area to fill the void in your heart.

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A female reader, pinkypromise United States +, writes (25 January 2009):

I guess we're in the same predicament it just that I'm much older than you are. I'm almost 42 and been happily married for 9 years and my husband and I started dating 10 yrs. prior to getting married. We have no child. I always thought that seeing other people cheat their spouse is sickening to the stomach, but I was wrong! Although I have never cheated on my husband nor I will soon do so, I'm in this situation right now where I'm somewhat falling for a Christian guy. He happens to be my our driver back in my country where my husband and I go home yearly. My husband and I adore him because he's genuinely nice, cautious driver and God fearing. He's been our driver since 2003 and he's married as well with 2 kids.

In 2005 when I went back alone to my country did I noticed how wonderful he really is. He invited me to attend his church and just by seeing him up on the Altar singing and praising the Lord made me realized that God is what's lacking in my marriage. Well it's not that we're bad, but we're not a practiced Catholics. I normally take a 3 weeks vacation and that particular year was so much different than the previous ones. Before, I would always bring a couple of cousins with me anywhere I go, but I complained to my husband how costly it gets me when I bring people with me having had to pay for their Meals and extra Activities etc. He then suggested that only bring the driver and that's where it all begun. We bonded so well during my 3 weeks stay and just like you, I will always have an excuse or an itch to go somewhere to buy somethings I don't really need or simply tell my driver to take me to every New Great Restaurants and places he's heard of just so I could spend more time with him.

I shared some of my personal life stories, good and bad during a long trip and told him how lucky I am to be married to someone like my husband and never imagined being with someone else so on and so forth. I began apologizing for not conversing with him before and treating him just like a "driver" or employee and that now I see him as a friend. Now my questions is this and I hope anyone can also give me advise.Is it fair if I continue my close friendship with him now that I noticed he's being more than nice to me in a different way? Though we never ask one another about our feelings,I think it's mutual. The only thing that hinders him from opening up is, he being a devoted Christian. During the short time I've interacted with him, it's as if I've known him all my life. I hinted him though that I'm not 100% happy with my husband for an unknown reason and I will never leave him for anyone, but I'm open with the idea of kissing another man without sexual interaction just to find out how it feels like since I have never kissed any other man other than my husband. Am I being pathetic? I really want someone to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not going crazy, at least not yet! PLEASE HELP ME!!! Anyone???

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A male reader, Jesus Is My Lord United States +, writes (27 October 2008):

Well so much to say, just don't know where to start. My name is Joe and I am living in Bryan/College Station, Texas. I am going through a divorce as we speak. I am 27 been married for 7 years to my wife who is 25 and have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 2. I recently just got out of the Navy and the decisions I made is whats bringing my marraige to a hault. I known my wife since 1996 and we were good friends. We met through church. the reason why she is divorcing me is because i have been unfaithful to her with several different women. I was a virgin til I was 19 when she became my first. I never thought to cheat on her when I left to the Navy. And that was my biggest mistake. We were newly weds and not even 2 months into our marraige, I already commited adultery. The bad thing about that was that I have been saved, living for Jesus since Nov. 1995. Sin was found in my heart and did the unthinkable. I confessed to her that I was unfaithful with 6 different women. She took it really hard. You can only imagine what she was feeling. We already had our first daughter. She left, after she was raped in San Diego when I was stationed over there, back to Texas. A couple of months later she forgave me but never forgot. We were living together again as a family and I swore up and down that I would never do it again. I was wrong. I just kept taking advantage of the situation when girls would come up to me. But I should have ever entertained the situation. So now recently she found out about a girl that I was with that used to be her friend. That one killed her. So she is talking to the one I hated for 13 years, until I truly repented and gave my heart and life back to Jesus. So I hope you pretty much have an idea about how my life ended up due to stupid decisions I made. Here is the good news! I recently got out of the Navy in May of this year. My wife does not want nothing to do with me. A couple of months ago I decided to give my life to Jesus 100% and truly repented. Truly REPENTED of my sins. Jesus has become the center of my life and nothing will take that from me no matter what I'm going through. Believe me when I tell you that I do not want to get divorce at all. I know the Bible says that God Hates divorce. And my wife has every right to divorce me. I was abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically towards her. Now the reason why my wife would act the way she acted, say the things she says, do the things she did, was because my life was messed up. My life was not in lined with the will of God. I needed to check my heart and get my mind right. When she is feeling loved, wanted, respected, secured, needed, desired, appreciated then I know I doing right. But if she is feeling the very oposite, its because there is a problem with me. the Bible says that Christ is the head of every man, and every man is the head of every women, and God is the head of Christ. It also says that Husband love your wives as Christ loved the church, that He gave His life For her. He calls the church a she because women are women of influence. Right now I believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to be together again, BUT with God all things are possible. So now I am putting Christ first no matter what happens. My life has to be lined up with the will of God.

As for your situatuion, first and most importantly is what is God telling you? God is not a feeling. The Bible says that my sheep KNOW my VOICE. God does speak today. But we are so focused on the things of this world. We are too busy for Him. How is your prayer life? When was the last time you actually hears from God. Because I guarntee you that your Christian friend is not from God. God will not tempt you to sin against your husband. So be very careful. Your friend should repect you and your marriage and allow God to heal you. Your mind should be on Jesus not another man. Satan is using what you are giving him to allow you to mess up. Satan is even using your own brother in Christ to cause you to fall. Now is divorce is what God is telling you? Or is He saying something else. I'm not here to to you what you should do. The answer is only found in God through prayer. I am not giving up on my marriage even though she filed for divorce. My wife never gave up on me when I was acting a fool, so I am not giving up on her. There is a reason why your husband did what he did. And there is a reason why you are going through this. God put you two together for a reason, to do His will. Truly seek God and get your mind off the things that do not honor God, that keep you from doing right and everything that distracts you from doing his will. If you have any other questions or would like to talk more about this my email is [email address blocked]

there is so much more to say but time is not on my side right now. take care and God bless. I will be praying for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008):

you said this "My attraction to him is killing my marriage and my spiritual connection with God" you are wrong in your observation you didnt kill your relatioship with your husband , he did when he commited adultery(it says so in the bible- new testatament, by jesus himself).as for your breaking your spiritual commitment with god, let me ask you these rhetorical questions? do you love god? do you believe god is truth and god is love?do you want what is right in the eyes of the lord our god? staying married forever to one man and under no circumstance should there be a divorce is not in the bible as a law! that is man made! it does say "what god brought together let no man cast asunder! what that means is that god brought a love of a man and woman together and no person should try to destroy what god has done! however Matthew 19:9 Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." If the husband commits adultery with another woman, God permits his wife to divorce him and she is free to marry again. If the wife commits adultery with another man, God permits her husband to divorce her and he is free to marry again. Note that God does not REQUIRE divorce when adultery occurs. If the marriage can be saved, that would be better. However, it is then very difficult for the faithful spouse to trust the one who committed adultery. A marriage is built on trust that should never be broken.

YOU SEE GOD IS TRUTH SO GOD KNOWS THE ANSWER HE CHEATED, THEN YOU TRIED BUT GOD SAID YOU COULD HAVE LEFT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND DID THE SIN AND YOU STILL TRIED. GOD IS VERY PLEASED THAT YOU HAD COMPASSION FOR YOUR HUSBAND BUT DOES NOT WANT ANYONE TO BE MISERABLE. DO YOURSELF THIS ONE IMPORTANT THING, DO NOT HAVE FURTHER RELATIONS WITH THE "OTHER MAN" UNTIL YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE SEPERATED. WHY? BECAUSE IF YOU CONTINUE FURTHER WITH TH "OTHER MAN" YOU TOO WILL BE COMMITING ADULTERY. DO IT THE RIGHT, TRUE AND MORAL WAY...... WITH LOVE, GOD BLESS YOU

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

Yes, you should. I just did it. If you love this person it will never go away even if you try. He will always be on your mind.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

I think that you should know something about marriage. The national divorce rate is closer to 50% of all marriages. Moreover, for many people, the actual chance for divorce is far below 50%. In other words, this is an action you have made and this is the consequence you have to deal with.

When a person gets married, they have the assumption in mind that this are going to be easy. Or corse, they are able to say "they know there will be difficult days ahead, but they do not come to the full realization of being around someone that they do not like.

Imagine, would you be around someone that you hated? When you wanted sex, they never gave it to you. When you wanted to go out one night for a ride on the town, but they wanted to follow you everywhere you went, would you commit yourself to this abuse for the rest of your life? If you answered no to any of these questions, marriage is not for you. This point may already be clear, let's move on to what you should do when harm has already been done.

The only thing you must do if you are already married and have meet someone else is you must make a choice. Contrary to popular belief, nothing is guarenteed. Not even failure. Nor is marriage. You are not ever in something that you cannot get out of. The problem for women is not getting out of marriage, but getting out of their comfort zone. Let me explain...

Many women prefer to stay married for all the wrong reasons. (So guys, if you think that a woman really loves you, think again. You may be getting used.) In stead of getting a divorce, they stay married because the husband's income, children together, religous affiliation, and even for a family or social orgin. This is what is meant by an actual chance of getting a divorce. If you let material things get in the way of your happiness, what's the use of have anything?

The situation is almost like being in prison and having one million dollars. What are you going to do with it? You can't spend it in there, but you are just happy with having one million dollars. Right! It is stupid. Most women, however, still come to the conclusion - money over matter. You got money, it don't matter.

Who am I to judge, though? The Bible say's, "the wise man has to die just like the fool." So it's your choice.

Hope this answers your question!

bkdaniels

hear more from bkdaniels by visiting healthdigest.org.

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A female reader, floraltemptaions Canada +, writes (15 February 2008):

ALthough you say you have never been unfaithful to your husband, you are having an emotional affair. I too have felt this, with one of my fiance's friends, but you truely have to decide that you want your marriage to work, that you want to love your husband. You married for better or for worse, and although your husband is maybe on a different spiritual level then you, you need to remember why you married him (there must have been a reason). The other thing to remember- the grass is not always greener on the other side- even though it looks like it is from your vantage point. You need to forgive your husband for being with the other woman while you were separated- life is about lessons, you learning to forgive, and him remembering not to hurt you. Talk to him about why you arent happy in your marriage- try to make it work. He's probably feeling just as miserable as you (your husband I mean)- knowing that you are telling this other man all your secrets and complaints about him- he probably feels like he has failed to make you happy. I think you should at least try to make it work, communication and couples counselling are great helps. Then after giving it a lreally good try, if it still doesnt work, at least you can walk away feeling like you tried, and not always wonder "Was it something I didnt do? Is that why my marriage failed?" Good luck, and God Bless.

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (15 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntAs a Christian , forgiving should not be difficult as if you do not forgive others , how can God forgive you of your sins.

Thinking of him in your mind is committing adultery and that is a sin.

Your Christian friend is fishing in troubled waters and he is enticing you . What kind of Christian friend is that?

A good Christian should help you mend your marriage and not to encourage you to leave your marriage. Even though your husband is not a Christian , through marriage, he is sanctified by God as a Christian.

Everything happened because God wills it. It was not a mistake that you married him. God has a purpose for everyone and it is only that you could not see the bigger picture for now. In time , you will know when God wills it.

You need to forgive him and rebuild your life around him.No one is perfect and we are only human.

We are all sinners and yet God gave us a blanket pardon for all our sins. Why cant you?

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