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Im in love with a married man, I know hes unhappy with his wife, but people are telling me to stay away!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2006) 50 Answers - (Newest, 8 November 2011)
A female , anonymous writes:

I'm in love with a married man. I've had so many ppl tell me to stay away from him..that he will never leave his wife. But he is so unhappy with her. He only married her because he thought that was what was right for their child. They do NOT love eachother. He told me the other day that he could see himself getting out of the relationship and being alone for a while. I dont know what to do. I want to be with him so badly. I want to see what he is like when he is truly happy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011):

OK, I literally read all the responses on this post. I too fell for a married man. I too am married. The only difference with my situation is I would actually leave my husband for this other man. Why? Because I truly am in love. I have a miserable, unfulfilling marriage. I had been married for 12 years when I met this MM. I had cheated twice before after 7 years then suddenly realizing I didn't really love the man I was with. The other two (whom with I cheated) I also fell hard, but not hard enough to call my own relationship "quits." The guy I am hooked on has no intention of leaving his wife. She found out about us when it was early in the relationship. He professed his love, even asked me to marry him. We were making plans to divorce our respective spouses. But everything fell apart early by a fluke text message that she saw and put our whole triste in a tailspin. So for the last 2 years I have been in a yo-yo relationship with a man who can't give me up, but can't leave his wife (and child).

I have to say that I agree with a lot of the advice given here. I have learned that married men don't generally leave their wives, especially for the other woman. First of all the financial hit is way too devastating. And usually the parent who winds up with the child is usually the woman (unless she's some fire-breathing child beater who has a drug addiction, and is whoring on the side). Do you hear me ladies? It is a fantasy to think that your MM will leave you thinking things will be better with you. He will NOT LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU.

So after hearing that, you need to do something about the situation you are in. You need to ask yourself some hard questions. If you knew he was married, why did you let him pursue you? Maybe at the time, you weren't really ready for a serious relationship. Subconsciously, I think that's what happened to me. I wasn't ready to leave my marriage, so this seemed the safest. And it was a form of escape from a bad situation. But here's where it gets sticky. Women get attached faster, harder. It's our gender. Sex for a woman is very different than it is for a man. Men can have sex and detach afterward. I have yet to talk to a woman who can do that. The man I fell for came on so strong I had very little resistance. I'm sure a lot of you women in this forum had similar experiences.

Let me get to the point. Married men are aggressive and because it's forbidden fruit, everything seems more exciting. But once he's actually available, you may find that he's not such a catch after all. You're better off weaning yourself off of him. Do what you have to to move past it. Never get involved with another married man. It is unhealthy, it will waste your life, and because of the taboo label, it's irresistible. But it is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to break away from. It's almost like detoxing from heroine. One hit and you're hooked.

To sum up some of the wise advice from this post, "run as fast and as far away from him as you can. And do it now."

It will only end badly and you my dear friend will be the main casualty. Cause he sure as hell will not be!

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A female reader, StillStanding United States +, writes (15 July 2011):

Lovegirl, I LOVE your style. As for the woman who wrote the post before yours, I hope that it works out for you. I do not know how old you are, but don't waste your years waiting for this relationship to work for you or you will be faced with the woulda, coulda, shoulda, in the long run. Men will treat you how you let them treat you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011):

Aaahhhhh the married ]n syndrome rears its head again!

Each mistress believe her affair is different. She wants to believe the lies, in fact she Has to believe the lies!

Each mistress thinks she is better than his wife.

That this woman's hb is her soulmate.

That this womans hb is the love of her life.

I think CaringGuy first mentioned the stats: only 12% of men leave their wives for their mistresses. These stats were not just thumbsucked. It is a reality.

Each mistress believed that she is the "one". You must realise that his was was "the one" at one stage as well.

There will always be wives and then mistresses. The transition almost never happens. And if it does it just creates a vacancy for another mistress

The cheating stories on DC are different YET all the same.

No matter what we try to advise, the mistress thinks she is better and will get her MM in the end. Many women just waste their lives and it is just so sad.

In our family there has been much adultery. However NO man has left his wife for his mistress. Yet!! And that is the reality.

I feel sorry for you women but u know that he is married yet you choose to be with him.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011):

I'm in love with a married man also. He's only been with his wife for two years now and once we met, we completely clicked. We haven't been together for a tremendous amount of time yet, but we both truly believe that we are each other's soul mates. We've already talked about basically everything. We've recently talked about the future and how it will be one day when We're married and not him and her. He got married at a very young age, so in that case, it's easy to make the mistake of marrying someone that you were only infatuated with, but not in love with. He's now 20 years old and has been, for at least this last year of their marriage, in realization that things will never work between them again. We've both thought SO much about how risky and insane our decision of being together is. Before we had gotten together, he was never motivated enough to actually cut things off with her. Once I came along, I guess that's when he became determined enough to get the divorce papers. He's already seen her about twice with the divorce papers, but she refuses to sign them because she's still in love with him. Even though he's not in love with her. So many times, I have told him that I'm here for him in what he's going through and I still will be if he thinks that he should make the decision to be with her because of other issues, like religion, and what the family would think.... blah blah. But, he's told me time and time again that he wants me and not her. That when he thinks about her, he only feels guilt and when he thinks of me, he feels actual love..that he wants to hold and kiss me, not her. I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I'm learning to accept that this is how things are going to be. In a way, it's very comforting to hear all of these stories because I feel not as alone in the world. I cannot talk to anyone about this situation because of how radical it is. You can't tell your friends that you're seeing a married man, that just seems too completely crazy to someone who isn't feeling the emotions you are. I just decided to throw my problems up here also, so that hopefully you can feel a little less bad for what's going on. I think in all of our situations, there's always hope for 'someday...'

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A female reader, StillStanding United States +, writes (7 July 2011):

I have read a few of the posts about women having affairs with married men and worse the wives are their close friends. I find it funny that many of the posts and additional comments state that "the wife treats him like crap" or the wife is "satan" and a couple read "the wife is crazy." Well, that is exactly what he wants you to think that the wife is the problem. Has it occurred to you that he may want to have his cake and eat too? After 20 plus years, with a man that I worshiped, who proceeded to have an affair with someone who I thought was a friend, I found the strength to leave. My ex-friend was elated. She thought that finally after 10 years she finally was going to have him all to herself. She was wrong. He was devastated that I left and is doing everything that he can to keep me in his life. So get a clue women, they don't necessarily do it because they are unhappy. The do it because they have 2 willing participants to be part of the triangle. They do it because we allow them to do it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011):

I'm in love with a man who's not married but lives with his girlfriend and they have three children together, young children, all under the age of four. I met him at my job and he would always flirt with me and people would tell me not to mess with him because he has a family so I stayed away. We would only see each other at work and the crush that we both had on each other was growing quite intense. Well after two years of this crush and flirting, we started texting each other and sending notes on Facebook about how much we missed and liked each other. When I asked him about his situation with his baby's momma he told me that they've grown out of love and that he's just staying there for the three kids. So we had our first date the other night and he had to sneak away and lie to her about where he was going when he was really coming to see me. We had dinner and drinks and had our first kiss. It was the best kiss I've ever had in my life and he told me the same. We made out hard core, but nothing went all the way. At around 2am he said that he had to get back home and I was a little sad because it was like he had to get back to her so he wouldn't get caught up. urrrrrr What should I do? There haven't been any admissions of love but I am afraid that my feelings are growing deep into that road. Please anybody, somebody, help me decide what to do. Am I having an affair with him? Omg I don't know what is going on. I'm so confused and I can't stop thinking about him. Should I just get out of this situation? It hurts at just the thought of it. HELP!!!

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A female reader, out there United States +, writes (8 January 2011):

I'm also in love with a married man, I can't tell you to stay away when I understand exactly how you feel. We've been seeing each other for 8 months now. We've worked together for 2 years and I knew the moment I met him that he was someone special. I was newly married but felt something for the MM right away. We worked closely together and every day it was a pleasure to be close to him, to hear his voice. By the end of the first year I felt deeply connected to him and the attraction I felt and still feel, wouldn't go away. I found myself looking for excuses to work late and stay away from home as much as possible. My husband paled in comparison to this man. I soon became resentful of my marriage (and my husband resented my long hours, verbally and physically showing me how much he hated it) and scrutinized every detail, feeling that nothing felt good or right about it (because there wasn't). I couldn't sleep with my husband without thinking of the MM. The sex with my husband had never been great, I always ended up feeling like a pin cushion, not a woman, and soon stopped having sex with him altogether because I couldn't stand to have him touch me. This led to a lot of fighting and unhappiness in my marriage... but we never were truly happy to begin with... I definitely rushed into that relationship with blinders on. For months, I worked closely with the MM and our friendship bloomed. We started going to lunch, talking about anything and everything. I couldn't get enough. He valued my opinions and was always considerate. We did flirt and sometimes I would sense his desire for more but I never reacted to it. This went on for quite some time. Lunch, long talks, working late, sometimes he would brush my hand or shoulder. Seemed innocent enough on the surface but I felt like I was looking into a deep well, knowing that there was so much more inside, but unable to see it. The last weeks of my marriage were hard. The fighting never stopped, I had been thrown down some stairs and got the "you tripped over your own feet" line. He had been physical with me before but this was the last time. I'm educated, attractive enough. I never conceived that I would have been in an abusive relationship. But there I was. Not in love with the person I had married, he hurt me and had a horrible temper. And all I could think of was the peace I felt with the MM. After one of our lunches, the MM told me that he had a dream about me. That we were lying in bed, holding hands. The invitation was clear. I took his hand and that was the first day we kissed. I left my husband a week later. I'm now divorced and still seeing the MM. He has two children and I don't believe that he has any real intention of leaving his wife. This is the hardest part. I love him, he loves me. His wife does not love him and he doesn't love her but they stay together because of the kids. They stay together because of the money. I try to keep positive, but it's very hard. I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely most of the time... it's hard when the moments you spend together are so precious. You want to hold on, have more. All I can say about it is this, you have to be strong enough to deal with the good times AND the pain. This is not an easy path and a huge gamble. I hear the "stay away" stories, but I also hear about men and women getting together despite their unhappy marriages. In a way, it's good to read all of these other posts. I feel less alone knowing that there are others like me. I wish you all the best :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011):

I'm also in love with a married man, I can't tell you to stay away when I understand exactly how you feel. We've been seeing each other for 8 months now. We've worked together for 2 years and I knew the moment I met him that he was someone special. I was newly married but felt something for the MM right away. We worked closely together and every day it was a pleasure to be close to him, to hear his voice. By the end of the first year I felt deeply connected to him and the attraction I felt and still feel, wouldn't go away. I found myself looking for excuses to work late and stay away from home as much as possible. My husband paled in comparison to this man. I soon became resentful of my marriage (and my husband resented my long hours, verbally and physically showing me how much he hated it) and scrutinized every detail, feeling that nothing felt good or right about it (because there wasn't). I couldn't sleep with my husband without thinking of the MM. The sex with my husband had never been great, I always ended up feeling like a pin cushion, not a woman, and soon stopped having sex with him altogether because I couldn't stand to have him touch me. This led to a lot of fighting and unhappiness in my marriage... but we never were truly happy to begin with... I definitely rushed into that relationship with blinders on. For months, I worked closely with the MM and our friendship bloomed. We started going to lunch, talking about anything and everything. I couldn't get enough. He valued my opinions and was always considerate. We did flirt and sometimes I would sense his desire for more but I never reacted to it. This went on for quite some time. Lunch, long talks, working late, sometimes he would brush my hand or shoulder. Seemed innocent enough on the surface but I felt like I was looking into a deep well, knowing that there was so much more inside, but unable to see it. The last weeks of my marriage were hard. The fighting never stopped, I had been thrown down some stairs and got the "you tripped over your own feet" line. He had been physical with me before but this was the last time. I'm educated, attractive enough. I never conceived that I would have been in an abusive relationship. But there I was. Not in love with the person I had married, he hurt me and had a horrible temper. And all I could think of was the peace I felt with the MM. After one of our lunches, the MM told me that he had a dream about me. That we were lying in bed, holding hands. The invitation was clear. I took his hand and that was the first day we kissed. I left my husband a week later. I'm now divorced and still seeing the MM. He has two children and I don't believe that he has any real intention of leaving his wife. This is the hardest part. I love him, he loves me. His wife does not love him and he doesn't love her but they stay together because of the kids. They stay together because of the money. I try to keep positive, but it's very hard. I don't want to leave him but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely most of the time... it's hard when the moments you spend together are so precious. You want to hold on, have more. All I can say about it is this, you have to be strong enough to deal with the good times AND the pain. This is not an easy path and a huge gamble. I hear the "stay away" stories, but I also hear about men and women getting together despite their unhappy marriages. In a way, it's good to read all of these other posts. I feel less alone knowing that there are others like me. I wish you all the best :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010):

im inlove a wonderfull man and i want to marry him in worst way..i dont like to bring it up untill im sure..my husband is very sick and i cant leave right now...but i still love myboyfriend very much and i guess been in love for a long time...or i wont being going after him...im love to live with myboyfriend maybe someday...when i wrote does letters im must of love then...i never in my lifetime wrote any letters to anyone..but to him..and i mean all of it...i will never leave him..i had so much in my heart...i love my husband but im in love with myboyfriend..there is a different...i will not stay away unless he tells me too...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010):

Hi. You all have interesting stories and I can relate to them all bse Im in love with a married man. The only problem is that for him it was a fling yet for me it was serious. I kind of knew from the beginning that he wasnt going to leave his wife and family. I was just shocked at the speed with which he walked in and out of my life. We had the most amazing time together(even thoug they were short lived), we had the best sex and I really wanted him to stay longer. He never broke up with me. He just kept making excuses for not showing up to appointments and somehow I was left to guess about our status. Eventually I got the point that he didnt love me any more but I was devastated. Before I met him I was in a committed realtionship and my fiance loved me. The problem was that the sex wasnt good. I placing sex at the centre of a relationship isnt important but to me it is. Every time we had sex, I got bruised and I dreaded sleeping with him.So when I met a married married who could give it to me the way I wanted, I totally lost it. I no longer wanted to sleep with my fiance and our relationship got strained.I even became critical of his behaviour. I noticed that he was 'not man enough' for me,he was broke and he I just fell out of love with him.To make matters worse the married man dumped me. I was heart broken. I cried for months. To try and forget him I decided to try and make things work with my fiance. I ended up getting pregnant. The pregnancy couldnt have come at a worse time.I was pregnant for a man I didnt love.He was broke so he couldnt help out with the shopping for the baby and hospital bills. I went through all that trauma of having a baby by myself. Something in him had changed. H e even didnt come to check on me in the hospital even though I had had a C-section. I miss my married man so much and even just thinking about him makes me horny. I dont think Im ever going to love another man like the way I love him. He hates me and I dont know what I did. When he meets me, he walks right past me.When I call him, he pretends that its a wrong number.One time he even got drunk and abused me on phone.Im so heart broken and I have failed to get over him.To make things worse Im a single mum with have another man's baby. I love my son so much but I was unfair to him by getting pregnant when I wasnt sure whether I loved his dad or not. Its been 3 years since I broke up with the married man and my son is now 10 months old but I miss the married man. I would give anything for him to look at me with love and desire like he used to. He treated me like a princess and every time I replay those moments, I cry and get depressed. Anyway I guess I have to keep telling myself that to him I was just like toilet paper. You use it and that's it. You flash it away. But its not easy. It hurts like hell.. A word of advice to any one out there. Follow your insticnts. I knew that he would hurt me but I still went ahead to be with him but the amount of pain I feel right now is not equivalent to those two months of fun that we had. It has taken me years and I still havent gotten over the break up. Im miserabe, lonely and all for what; two months of sex.

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A female reader, Deph Romania +, writes (12 November 2010):

I know how you feel... I used to be madly in love with a MM, our relationship lasted for about 4 years. I wasn't the first mistress he had, even though I was the one who lasted the longest. During the first months of our relationship he told me he was getting a divorce. Indeed, his wife moved out but they never divorced. When questioned, he kept bringing up all sorts of arguments and eventually grew angry with me for repeating the same question. About a year later he informed out of the blue that, after talking to his wife, they decided to "give it another shot". Just like that. I was devastated. It hurt like hell. I tried leaving him countless times, I kept telling myself this thing's no good. I actually had no problem in realizing that I was wasting my time on him, however I felt I just couldn't live without him. I had psychotherapy, it didn't help much, I just couldn't let him go. Even worse, he kept telling me he wouldn't give up on me, even though he wanted to see if he could save his marriage. He kept telling me that he's the one confused, having to chose between two women while loving the both of them... After 2 months of torment, I started seeing another guy and I informed my MM about it. He showed his despair and begged me not to leave him. I continued teasing him, making him feel on second place for a change. And I did it by hooking up with several other men while keeping him up to date. Eventually it worked. He divorced his wife. I thought it would be the happiest moment of my life, but soon I realized that all that passion just wasn't there anymore. I had been driven mostly by ambition. As soon as he was mine I didn't want him all that badly.

My point being: never mind what other people tell you, you can have him if you really want to, but it's a painstaking process and in the end you may be surprised by what you discover within yourself. After all, it is time that helps us grow. Good luck!

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A female reader, CharlieBilly United States +, writes (26 October 2010):

I am 22 years old. I'm a senior in college. I met this man my junior year, I was a car sales men. He pulled up in his dodge magnum, I ran out, he wanted to test drive the Camero. I took him on a test drive for a hour and a half... We had the best conversation.

The moment we had eye contact my heart sank.

lol.

He looked at me and was like "your a car sales men".. "yes I am". "wow, your beautiful".

I couldn't get him off my mind.

I am a very attractive woman and have had several, I mean several men come at me. But something about him has drawn me closer. He was up front with me about being married obviously I was selling him a car. I was cool with it, because we were friends.

We hung out, went to parties, and we had SO much fun together. He was/is my best friend. He is in the military and was stationed where my school is, his wife and daughter was in another state.

I really really fell in Love with him. He is so sweet, amazing and perfect. He told me all his secrets, his insecurities, he have had the worst fights and the best makeups. He trusted me so much and I trusted him, he went out to sea and left me his car. A car that he never let his wife drive. I love him, I know its wrong, I want to move on... but I can't.

it doesn't help that when he goes out to sea, we play this game he writes me a 3 lines of poetry and I respond with the last word of his stanza as my first, we have pages and pages of poetry...

He finishes my thoughts, my sentences, we even have a theme song.. sadly enough.. Fabulous Can't let you Go... I recommend every one in this position to hear this song... OMG...

I stopped talking to him 3 months ago, I told him to move his wife and kid up here and put his family together and make it work..

A week ago he called me and told me he was gonna be sent to Afgan.. I cried... I didn't want to see him, but if I don't see him I'm might never... So friday he came over and we slept together...OMG..... I can't believe it... He told me he loved me and he got up and went about 5 blocks away where he met his wife at the movie theatre. This is his last week here...

Don't get me wrong, he has treated me so well. We would go out all the time, shopping, anything I ever needed he helped.. He always had my back.... Always....

I am not a BAD person, like I want him to make it work with his wife... But I had to see him... I love him so much...

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A female reader, snatynczyk United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2010):

Hey all ive been falling for a married man for nearly 3 years, and i never told anyone, not even my bestest mate, i kept it to myself because of the consequences. He was my boss at my work, and we became close, but i never in my mind did i thought he ever liked me because he's married. But every now and then i kept saying to myself does he like me too, because there were times when i thought does he like me, so i tryed to move on and see other guys, so before our christmas he said he's bringing one of his mates with him to the do, so i asked him to try and hook me up with him, but he never did. Now when he left because he got transfered to a different shop i was gutted as. While he was at the other shop he kept ringing me saying he really miss's me, and he kept begging me to go and work with him there. So in the end i did i got transfered to the shop he's working, and he was really pleased to see me again. Ive been working there now for only 6 weeks, and i had a problem with something at home so i told him about it, and i started to cry. He took me in the canteen and he started to hug me, probably just to comfort me thats what i thought, but he hugged me again, but this time really tightly like he didnt want to let go of me. Anyway the next day when i was back in work he asked if i was ok and everything and that i could tell him anything, so i said yes i have something else to tell you, but i said please dont hate me when i tell you and he said he wont hate me. So i just said to him figure it out, so he said you like me dont you, so i just nodded, so i kept saying im sorry and i know its wrong, but i calmed me down and said to me, i like you too, he never mensioned his wife just his son who's 6, so this man just kept hugging me, and we were holding hands so i asked him are you happy at home, he said he isnt, so i said to him let me make you happy, but he just kept hugging me. Then on me second break, he came back in the canteen to see me, and he said im sorry i just do want to lead you on, and i cant leave me son. But again he began to hug me again, but this time he began kissing my cheek, then he went for my lips, so of course i let him, at that point we were kissing like mad, but i stopped it has i thought i heard someone come up to the canteen but there wasnt. But if i didnt stopped him, we'd still have been kissing. Plus its a other risk has it happened at work. He kept saying im sorry im sorry. After he was away for a week which was a good thing i guess so i could sort my head out. When he came back, he said im sorry for kissing you, but saying i still fancy you, and saying do try and find a another man, but i will be jealous. So i didnt know what to think at that point. So this one day i thought i need to have a talk with him, to get answers from him, so i went to see him at work when he was doing a night shift. It was his birthday so i give him a really lovely card that had touching words about what he means to me so i gave it to him and i loved it. Again he started hugging me again. So thats when i started talking about our situation, i asked him how along he's like me for, he said he's liked me for a while, so that meant he's liked me since his old job. He saided to me that on his leaving do (which i left early has i had work he next morning) he was going to tell me how he felt about me. I told him that ive liked him for ages, and why i like him so much. This man makes me laugh, he's always there for me, we are so alike, we get on so well. So i asked him whats it like at his home, and he said its awfull, he and his wife never talk always arguing, he's very unhappy. So when he started to cry on me, and i told him let me make you happy. He cant leave becuase of his son, i said would he rather see his dad happy. So he buried his head in my hands, and stared to hug me, and then we started kissing again, and i loved it. At this moment i just dont know what to do, my feelings for this man will never change. I love him so much it hurts and it breaks my heart knowing he's not happy. At the end of the day i just want to see him happy, i want to make him happy.

He's everything to me

So i know what you all are going through, you are all not alone.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009):

I am married and have been in love with a married man for 3 yrs.The only one I have ever desired in a 14 yr. old marriage, besides my husband. We are reunited and have a blast doing karaoke, but she goes out with him now and is aware of an affair he had and will not leave his sight. She has questioned and has insecurities about me, although I am respectful, I have not cut off contact of texting or emailing with him. She has spied on the PC and changed his ph.number several times from the other woman, but won't allow him to leave here sight, so therefore we can't have a friendship. Even though I am totally head over heels, i respect their marriage, but would be game anytime if he asks...

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A female reader, so_in_luv United States +, writes (2 August 2009):

OMG im in the exact same boat right now and i have no clue what to do, any extra advice would be great. i do love a man very much who is married and his wife treats him like crap. he confides in me and eveything and the more we talk the more i fall. any advice is greatly appreciated. i just want him to be happy and hes not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

I am 25yrs of age and im messing around with a married man that has just turned 50yrs of age...I met him 5 yrs ago at work. Now for me this was just a phase since i had just broke up with a guy MY age at the time...and this MM was really nice and funny...and I wasnt looking for anything serious...I remember the first convo we had on the phone...he said do you have any questions for me at first i said no because i already knew the deal. Then i turned around and asked him so how many kids you have, and he told me. I guess he was surprised that i did not turn him down. But i was curious to see where this would go...Now all these women up here saying, he says that is unhappy and that everything in his life is just wrong. This guy is different he has never complain that his wife was so bad at their marriage...hell we hardly every bring her up...he has two lives with me and then with her...I have done so many amazing things with this man, that i have never done with anyone else.

I love him with all my heart, he is a great man despite what we have going on...I sometimes want him to leave but I then snapped myself back to reality...I say to myself this man would never leave his wife and i would never tell him to do that...I could not tell you why he chose me other than he says that I am mature at my age. I had to find somewhere i could express how i feel.. I am not a dumb girl...yeah i maybe breaking a couple of rules while loving him but i know one day this will come to an end, and it will hurt like hell...but at least i will know what true love is all about.

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A female reader, BunnyJean United States +, writes (19 February 2009):

I was in love with a mm for approximaately 9 yrs. There was a time in that 9 yrs when we had no contact. My ex-husband was dying of cancer, and I went back to care for him until his death. After his death, the mm and I resumed our relationship. About 1 yr ago he moved out of the house, and we had been discussing marriage during that time. For a period of time I was living in another state. We continued the relationship and every couple of months we would drive, or fly to a location to meet. He then spent quite a bit of money to move me back to the town in which he lives. Within 48 hours on my return to town, he then informed me that this relationship will not work. For the past 3 months I have endured great heartbreak. His reason for this breakup is that he needs to get right with God. His attitude now is "sorry", but this is not my problem. I no longer hear from him, nor does he return my calls. For every woman who thinks that wasting those valuable years will get you the man "of your dream" may I encourage you to wake up and smell the coffee. Believe it or not, my man has decided to return home to his "wonderful wife." This is the same wife that he told me repeatedly had rejected him and refused him marital relationship. Not only was I aware of their problem, but many people in the community were aware. Now all of a sudden she is wonderful, and I am the intruder. I am realizing that I was living a rose colored existence, wasting time and opportunities. Please ladies wake up to the truth. 90+% of mm who have outside relationships (irrespective of how long the relationship) do not leave their marriages. In the end you are used and damaged goods; having to spend much time in recovery from something that has hurt you deeply.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008):

Dear friends. I feel such a relief when I read that I am not the only one... This is my story. I have been in a horrible relationship for over a year, but I did not know how to end it, i guess i was afraid of being alone... meanwhile I meet some friends in the complex apt i life in. Between them, i met this adorable boy, he is ten years older than me and... he is married and has an adorable little girl. His wife is a complete pain in the ass... always moody and controller... Little by little I felt in love with him. But i kept it for myself afraid of the consequences. A few days ago he knocked on my door to let me know his wife was pregnant again, and that he did not want another baby.

Meanwhile my relationship was going down, and two days ago I decided to leave him. To avoid the depression I went to a BBQ that my adorable neighbor was throwing. The wife left early but the tequila stayed a little longer... we got a little way too happy and started flirting. I told him how glad I was my relationship was over and he started saying the sweeties things to me.

We got away from everyone else to have a smoke and he kissed me. He told me how unhappy he was with his wife and how much he needed to kiss my lips. I felt so good, even though i knew how much trouble is going to be. He flirted and kissed me but not in the lips anymore. I felt a little less good about it, but i let myself go... I decided that the best was to stop it there and I went home. Not even a second after he knocked on my door. He did not think it twice, he push me to the bed and started kissing my body... told him to leave... and he did, but he came back right after and we started over again. We didn't have sex, but we kissed all over our naked bodies... then left again leaving me naked in my bed... He went back to his wife that night without knowing he just broke my heart. I am in love with him so badly... I want to tell him what I feel, but I am afraid to be rejected and even more heart-broke...They will have that baby and I should move on with my life, but right now it feels I just wanna love him and I want him to love me back...And i am going to see him all the time because his house is next to mine...

What should I do??? My friends told me to forget him... I can't!

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A female reader, RockinAway09 United States +, writes (4 November 2008):

Ive known the man Im in love with for 2 years, working with each other, cracking up on smoke breaks, smiling when he talks to me, hanging outside of work, knowing the sound of his voice... Only now he's married. We finally pursued the feelings we had for each other last summer after he had gotten another job and it was nothing but bliss. But soon after he got married to the wench he's with now. She's the type of girl that has cheated on him and broke his heart in the past, and tries to keep him on a short chain. Recently though he's gotten his job back and feelings are rekindeling. I feel horrible, but I know what my heart craves. We keep coming back to each other and making more plans of "haning out" and spending time with one another.. He tells me, "If only I had known I was going to meet you. I would of waited my whole life for you." My heart now sits at the bottom being only able to think how he won't leave her for me. I pray to God its in the cards, but I cant let myself keep loving this married man. I know in my heart he's the one I want to be with and all I long for is his affection and those sweet little words of I love you.

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A female reader, dclark77 United States +, writes (27 August 2008):

I know what this is like. It seems like when you know that you have found true love, there is always something that will stand in your way. So many people are not able to say that they have found true love or their soulmates, but you have. Just like the rest of the replies, i have met my soulmate, he asked me out of nowehere if i sang or wrote music, he is a producer. And i didnt know him at the time, he told me that he was married right away, and we started working together.

He is very apropriate and polite, and he was a really good friend. He is 17 years older than me! And after working together with music for 4 months, he told me he had feelings for me when he shouldnt, he said its really out of character for him to do this. We are the same person and can realate to eachother on any level. He does not have kids but has been married for 8 years(they got divorced once, then remarried), and we have been talking and seeing eachother for 3 months now. we are perfect together and we want to be together so bad. He told his wife a week ago, and he left her. I know its so wrong, but its inevitable, the heart wants what the heart wants.

He ended up going back to her the next day because he freaked out and started having anxiety attacks.

It was all because of the comfort zone. It sounds so easy to say. "We can be free together, and live a happy life, i will have to tell her" But its not easy at all.

Men are creatures of habit, and sure, even though they are not happy in their marriage, they will stay in it because they dont want to deal with the financial hit.

Mine is so lost, he keeps telling me its like a prison there now, theres no way she can trust him. I know i can because this isnt like him. He has never done anything like this. It is going to be so hard for him to break free from those chains. And we have not slept together, we havent even kissed! but we know in our hearts what we have, its real...true love.

And if he stays with his wife, he will regret it, he knows that. But i will at least know that my soulmate exists. It will just be so hard for me to let go, it hurts just thinking about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008):

i so know what yall are talking about and it does indeed suck!! i have known this married man for 6 yrs and when i first met him he was so perfect but we were only friends and that was fine with me but we stopped talking completely for about 2 yrs and it was hard... but 9 months ago he texted me and i didnt know who it was so i ask and he said and i was like wow ive missed him so much !! and we have been talking again but now he tells me he loves me and i do really love him with all my heart we slept togather after 5 months of talking i do not regret it b/c i really do love him and i do believe he loves me just as much...we text over 2000 times a day we also talk and him and his daughter come over sometimes and he pays for nething i need and my mom even loves him , she knows we are really in love and now he says he wants me to go with hin to meet his mom and i kinda dont know about that .. but i do know his mom does not like his wife at all so i guess that might be a good thing :] but if neone could help me out please do and i dont mind neone being blunt !! please just help me ... i am kinda young for this :[ im only 18 and its hard

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A female reader, Rakel United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

Rakel agony auntThis is a tricky one.

Dont keep your hopes on him leaving his wife. especially if there is a child involved but if he continues to say to you that he wants to leave I think you should tell him how you feel and then make him let his decision but dont keep you hopes up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

I absolutely know where you are coming from. But the difference is I am married but in love and have been having an affair with another married man for the past 10 years. I know its crazy and futile but we need each other.

He has two kids with his wife while I have three with my own husband. We both would not do anything to jeopardise our families. You may consider us selfish but we fell for in love over 22 years ago but at the time circumstances did not let it happen.

We only met by chance 11 years ago then I was 4 years married and he was 5 years married. We resisted intially and we tried hard to not let anything happen but one day one thing led to another and we started talking about the past and we realised then we were still in love with each other. Even though we knew that we could not be together as we both love our partners even more our children we did not want to be break up our marriage. And we thought why should others suffer because of us. We decided to take one day at a time and its been like that for the last 10 years. We love each other even more now than we did when we first met 22 years ago. He is everything I want in man and he see me as his Queen.

Some many in this life go through life without experiencing true love , he is my very true love and I am his we complete each other. The only painful thing is that we are married to others.

We did not set any ground rules when we started the affair I guess we both respect each other very much that we dis not think it necessary.

We have managed to keep the relationship a secret for the last 10 years we are very careful and intend to keep it that way as it will hurt us both if our partners find out.

Likewise me I want my kids to grow up with both parent around. We have seen each other through worst and the best times call us selfish I don't care when I am with him he is my all see everything else is secondary.

Please do not expect him to leave his wife for you as you may end up regreting it and he may resent you for making him leave. So if you are not prepared to be the second woman in his life - move on

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A female reader, blkbarbie United States +, writes (28 May 2008):

Hi i just want to let you know that i feel exactly where you are coming from. But you have to do what you feel is right in your heart. one of two things could happen, he could be full of shit and is just telling you things you want to hear because you feel this void in his life that makes him happy. Therefore he says those things to keep you. Or either he geniunely means it and you just have to deal with it until he can be yours.

Well I have been dating this guy for a year and he is also married. He is very unhappy in his marriage. He loves me with all his heart and we spend as much time as we can together. I was very skeptical at first when he told me that he loved me and he "could" see himself being with me, but as time went by i knew he was being sincere and honest with me. He is only with his wife because he is a caring man. She is a drunk and has been in and out the hospital.His daughter is a daddys girl. He has been co-dependent for years and years,taking care of his immediate family and the rest. He hasnt been happy and felt so alive since he met me. When i first met him he was so trained as far as his daily routine. He was always irritable because he argued with her every night. Putting his wife to sleep because she was drunk.

What im trying to say is, it will be a long journey of more downs than ups. once you can get through that it will be smooth sailing. Stick it out if you love him. I know i did. He loves me even more because i did and he knew i could have walked away from all this drama but i didnt. Love conquers all!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

i have just stared a relationship with a married man and i have fallen head over heals in love with him he too says hes unhappy and he stays for his two daughters he says he wants to try to work it out with his wife for the girls and if it doesnt work he wants to be with me. he says he loves me and wants to be with me we only had sex twice i feel quilty but its so hard to leave he calls and we see each other at work i love him with me whole heart he even says when the time is right he wants me to have kids with him and that sounds amazing i wish he would just leave her and be with me that doesnt mean he cant be the best dad for his kids yet that is extreamly selfish of me .. he says if we ever loose touch or i stop talkign to him he will find me where ever i am when he leaves his wife and be with me some times i want to quit my job just to stop this madness ... i just love him beyond words. i want him so bad it hurts.

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A female reader, chnagaha United States +, writes (21 April 2008):

This is what HE says!! I just found out this past weekend that my sister's husband cheated. They have had a wonderful marriage, they have 2 children one of which is just now 3 months old. I looked at their marriage as the ideal. I cannot believe he would do this to their family. The woman he was with didn't know he was married at all!! So, who knows what he told the "other woman", but it wasn't the truth. You cannot trust him, and you shouldn't be interfering with his family. If he is unhappy he should leave, but he should not disrespect the mother of his children by having an affair. You should not want to do this, what happens when one day he is "not happy" with you. How will you feel when the roles are reversed....the people telling you to stay away are giving you good advice.

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A female reader, womaninlove United Kingdom +, writes (7 April 2008):

I too am in love with a married man, but I was in love with him 10 years before he married her. At that time for various reasons we did not get together, and if we had, I have my doubts whether it would have worked because of where we both were in our lives at that time. He has been married around 22 years now and they have no children. I am with a partner, but reluctant to marry because in 32 years I have not been able to love anyone else as completely as my first and only real love. I have not had an affair with him. I will not do that, but he loves me and I love him. We both understand that unless we hurt the other people involved it can't go anywhere, and an affair in fact will do more to damage our friendship. We see one another several times a year, because of a shared interest which brings us together. We chat, sometimes about how we feel, and how we are coping with it, and other times we do not mention it. He has never insulted me with lies about how his wife doesn't understand him and how he isn't happy. I am quite sure his wife understands him very well and that he loves her. I love my partner too. It is not the same as my love for the one I can't have, but I would not want to hurt him. At the end of the day, if you love someone, you prioritise their needs over your own. I know that the person I love with all my heart is basically a good loyal husband, and I don't want him to be anything else. Of course, I would personally be much happier if he was MY good loyal husband, but what I want is not what matters. If he is happy in his situation, why would I want to turn his life upside down? I am not his bit on the side, so he is getting nothing from our "relationship" other than the very occasional pleasure of my conversation. One day, fate may play its hand and we may both be free to commit to one another. If that happens it will be because it was meant to, and he will come to me free of guilt, free of baggage, and this time, I know we will be happy together. For a man to leave his wife, his children, his home, and the life he has built with them is a HUGE emotional and sometimes also financial upheaval. If you are in love with a married man, as one who is, my advice would be this: Accept that he is a married man and that you may well be wasting your time. Don't pressure him, don't expect that you can build a happy life with him at the expense of his wife's heartbreak. Be prepared to give without expecting to receive anything in return. Be ready for the long haul. Don't meet up with him, don't email him, don't phone him, in short, don't do things that will chip away at his marriage. If you do, and it breaks down, he may end up resenting and blaming you for it. Hope that one day your day will come, but don't put your life on hold for it. I believe in fate. I believe that everything in life has its reason and its purpose. Your struggle has a purpose, your man's marriage has a purpose. I believe we learn and take something away from every person who touches our lives. I will never give up hope that one day I will be united with the man who I believe (and have always known)is my other half. But when and if that day arrives, I will be united with him as a an equal, as a complete and fulfilled person in my own right because I am getting on with my career, with my interests and with my life. If you really love him, you will wait. When you have waited as long as I have, you will know if you really love him or not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

I am in love with a married man. I work for him. He has kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. I love him. I am not a teenager. We are in our 40's and 50's. He cares about me alot. He has a daughter still at home. He knows I love him. He is not happy. I am following my heart. I am not stupid. You love him. Be there for him. Don't push him. Let time go by, but be there for him. Stand by him and be patient.It is your life. I am never giving up on my man. He has given me back my confidence in life. I owe him so much. He is wealthy, handsome, intelligent and caring. But all I care about is him. Ask him how he feels. Just stand by him through it all. Good luck. You are the only one who can make up your mind. Be his friend 1st. Love will carry you through.

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A female reader, angelfire1123 United States +, writes (20 March 2008):

The first thing you need to make sure of is that he loves you back and will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Everyone deserves to be loved like that. Also remember he said he could see himself being alone for a while. You might want to take a step back and play the friend card and see what develops in his life. You won't believe how fast things change.

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A female reader, I will get through this! United States +, writes (18 February 2008):

Please--stay away, it's not worth the heart ache you will endure. Trust me I have been on this roller coaster for three years and it's just exhausting.

I must say what is helping me get through this is to see that other girls have been through a situation that is simular to mine. I feel so nieve and completly empty inside.

My story is I was married and never thought I would cheat on my husband, I wasn't exactly happy but I was getting by--I was married very young straight out of high school. I have four kids with him.

About three years ago, I ran into someone I went to high school with and he said we should get together for a drink sometime I knew my husband wouldn't go because he didn't like him in high school, wouldn't have wanted to go and would not have let me go so I decided why not, I knew he wasn't saying for his wife to go because she didn't like me in high school but we didn't mention anything about spouses and I honestly didn't think to much about it so we exchanged numbers and I met him after work for a drink and the rest is drama drama drama.

I talked to him every day afterwords and started seeing him more and more and then about three months later we decided to stay together for the night and it was all over after that. He took my heart. I too believed he loved me, I saw him once or twice a week, we talked a couple times during the day--he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world, we had a connection we both said had never experienced. The long talks we would have and it was just so natural not to mention how he made me feel when he made so called love to me and it wasn't the excitement for me because I didn't find it exciting, I just was completely in love with this man.

It didn't take too long before my husband found out, it was about four months into it and then my husband called his wife and my husband of seven years divorced me and he bounced back and forth and lied over and over that he was just going there to support his sons and it was over between him and his wife. Well this has gone on for all this time, I would get sick of it and tell him he had to leave and be with me or not but it would only last about a week and he would reel me back in, it was very hard for us to stay away from each other.

Well I found found out a couple weeks ago he bought a new house with his wife and of course wouldn't tell me, I lost it and called him that night (I never called him at night) well I did that night and the next morning I got a call from his wife and I couldn't hold anything back I told her everything, I told her it had never ended and that he was great at fooling me. Later that day, I received a voice mail from him telling me he was going to kill me if came near his kids or anybody. I haven't heard from him since!!

Does it hurt, hell yeah but I must get through this and learn from it. I'm going to counseling and hope that any girl reading this takes my advice and does not get involved in this kind of a situation or if your already in it, Get out and don't walk--RUN!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

I know how you feel I am in the same boat I will wait and see what happens. if he wants me he can come to me I will wait for a while I have been alone for 10 years what is a little more time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007):

Im also in love with a married man..well they are not married but they have been together for 10 yrs..they don't get along at all..always fighting..he is great..what else can I say..I have tried breaking it off with him but he always tells me.."wait for me" and I can't take it anymore..I live right next door to him and his family..his sister and I are very close..He says he will leave his house b4 the yr is over...He loves his son very much and he hates having to leave him...Today I broke it off with him..I cried and screamed myself to sleep..I don't know what else to do..I love him so much but I hate the situation of hiding and sneaking around...she suspects its me, and his family knows and they hate the idea..Just because they think he should not do that..I feel guilty enough already..So now I have to wait to see what his reaction will be when he gets a chance to talk to me..How real his desire to be with me is. Im devestated right now..He is very jealous and possesive and tells me if he finds out i go out with anyone else he would leave me...Can u imagine I have to see everything that happends in his house..we go to the same parties, we share same crowd of friends..Im going through hell..Its like im always there to pick up the pieces and hear all the crap that goes on in his life. So I know what you are going through..I truly do..One diffrence..We have not been intimate...nothing beyound kissing and touching,,Good Luck to all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007):

Hi, I am so sorry that you have to go through this but having said that. A married man will never leave his wife.

You are not only hurting yourself but if their is children involved they are also getting hurt.. Leave while the getting is good

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007):

Here I am still here writing the same as I could have written last month and the month before. Broken promises and shattered dreams, but because I love him I am still here. Is it worth it probably not and one day I will wake up and find out I am better off without him. But when will that be I dont know. I hang on to the day he might leave her. The best thing is he said a few months ago he was going to leave her and that gave me hope. I said to him last week thats brilliant lets go as I was finally ready he turned around and said he had changed his mind and had to stay with her for the kids. I get to see him once every 6 weeks if I am lucky for 5 hours. Yes 5 hours. What a fool I am.

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A female reader, msthang993 United States +, writes (8 October 2007):

It is so nice to come on here and see other people who are going through very similar situations. My friend of 13 years is married to a woman who makes Satan himself look like an angel. And that is putting it nicely. They had their share of problems before they decided to take their vows. But because of his past, he didn't think he deserved better than what he was settling for. Now almost three years and a child later, he finally realizes what a mess he's gotten himself into. He and I have always had a connection throughout the years, but because of our hurts and issues in the past; we never stayed together long enough to figure out what the hell it all meant. Now that we have both gone through bad relationship experiences, we have learned to appreciate each other more. Next year (after the holidays) they are planning on getting a divorce. Now here's my advice to you and for everyone else as well. Know yourself and know your heart. If you feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are to wait around for this person, then wait for them. Do not! And I repeat, DO NOT have an affair with them while they are still married. Especially if there are children involved!!! That makes everything more complicated for both of you. Even more so if there is a custody battle at stake. Unfortunately, before he got married, we had one night together. However, we have not been intimate since then, nor will we be until everything is written in black ink, sealed and finalized. Get my drift? If you have any kind of doubts, whether on his part or yours, move on. You have to know that you-know that you know-that he is the right one for you, period! If you have given him ample amount of time to figure things out and he still is singing the same tune, move on. He won't leave her, and you shouldn't wait in the wings hoping and praying for it to happen. It's hard to see someone you love go through this kind of pain. But the one person you need to make happy first is yourself. If he is really ready to leave his wife, then he will. But the best thing you can do is keep living and keep going. He will come to you if you two are meant to be together. I know without a doubt that my friend is the one for me. Do I mind waiting? Of course not. I have enough things in my life to keep me busy such as school, and my child and traveling with with my friends/clubs. So in closing, just make sure you are 110% sure that this is really what you and he wants. And make sure he isn't keeping you from moving on with your life. Some guys, and women, are funny like that. They know what buttons to push to keep you right there. Some of them like to keep people around for a safety net. And in the long run, that keeps most from really moving on and finding the right one. Step back, look at the situation, decide if this is right for you and go from there. I wish you the best

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A female reader, msthang993 United States +, writes (8 October 2007):

It is so nice to come on here and see other people who are going through very similar situations. My friend of 13 years is married to a woman who makes Satan himself look like an angel. And that is putting it nicely. They had their share of problems before they decided to take their vows. But because of his past, he didn't think he deserved better than what he was settling for. Now almost three years and a child later, he finally realizes what a mess he's gotten himself into. He and I have always had a connection throughout the years, but because of our hurts and issues in the past; we never stayed together long enough to figure out what the hell it all meant. Now that we have both gone through bad relationship experiences, we have learned to appreciate each other more. Next year (after the holidays) they are planning on getting a divorce. Now here's my advice to you and for everyone else as well. Know yourself and know your heart. If you feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are to wait around for this person, then wait for them. Do not! And I repeat, DO NOT have an affair with them while they are still married. Especially if there are children involved!!! That makes everything more complicated for both of you. Even more so if there is a custody battle at stake. Unfortunately, before he got married, we had one night together. However, we have not been intimate since then, nor will we be until everything is written in black ink, sealed and finalized. Get my drift? If you have any kind of doubts, whether on his part or yours, move on. You have to know that you-know that you know-that he is the right one for you, period! If you have given him ample amount of time to figure things out and he still is singing the same tune, move on. He won't leave her, and you shouldn't wait in the wings hoping and praying for it to happen. It's hard to see someone you love go through this kind of pain. But the one person you need to make happy first is yourself. If he is really ready to leave his wife, then he will. But the best thing you can do is keep living and keep going. He will come to you if you two are meant to be together. I know without a doubt that my friend is the one for me. Do I mind waiting? Of course not. I have enough things in my life to keep me busy such as school, and my child and traveling with with my friends/clubs. So in closing, just make sure you are 110% sure that this is really what you and he wants. And make sure he isn't keeping you from moving on with your life. Some guys, and women, are funny like that. They know what buttons to push to keep you right there. Some of them like to keep people around for a safety net. And in the long run, that keeps most from really moving on and finding the right one. Step back, look at the situation, decide if this is right for you and go from there. I wish you the best

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007):

Take if from me...HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HER! I gave a married man 4 years of my life. I've known the guy ever since high school, but we didn't become intimate until our paths crossed as adults. He always promised that he would leave her for me, because he was so unhappy. Asking me to have patience. Saying to me "it won't be much longer now". Not only did he not leave her, but he moved her down south in a house that he had built from the ground up. Although he was telling me that he loved me, his wife reaped all my benefits. She went on the trips to the islands, and to Vegas. She got the fur coats and the diamonds. Now, she has the brand new house. All I got out of it was wild sex (because I did things his wife would not do) and a couple of bills paid here and there. He made a fool of me. I still cry to this day because I didn't deserve that. So from experience, get out of it when the chance comes around. It's going to be hard and it's going to hurt. But at least you will not have the humiliation along with the pain like I did.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007):

I didnt read anyone elses responce to this. but I am there with you. I am in love with someone who is married and not happy in his marriage. on top of that, he is one of my best friends. I know his relationship problems were going on even before he and I realized we had feelings for each other.

I would talk to him about all of your concerns. The facts are that married men RARELY leave their wives for anyone. But I believe if he is truly unhappy and he loves you, statistics are just statistics. Watch your instincts. You can only go on what you see and feel. But know when the time is when you have to realize he isnt going to leave her...if he indeed isnt. I have another year to wait until I find the reality of my situation. Thats the time frame he talked about even 6 years before we started "dating" if you want to call it. No one apporoves of us being together because he is married. I know what you are going through. But you have to stick through it and go with what you see. Dont deny yourself what is in reality.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):

I am in sort of the same boat as her..i can see where she's coming from...but i can also see where the forum is coming from too..

I started an affair with a married man around a year ago..he's married to someone he met and three months later they were married. I think he's confused about what he wants and is just "comfortable" with how it is now.

He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, she doesnt give him the things i do. He's a freak in bed and her "beliefs" don't include anything but "normal sex". I've met her plenty of times, she is VERY different than him, but she is good to him. He practically took her under his wing and helped her. But he's not happy. He just doesn't want to hurt her and i'm not the only one who sees this.

I'm confused, hurt, angry and in love with this man..Now what? I have walked away and tried to leave plenty of times. he keeps bringing me back. I am stupid and dumb for letting this keep happening, i know. But something is there. I know it is. Yeah, you all probably think I'm crazy and don't know what I'm talking about. But you aren't in my shoes..i see this man EVERYDAY. I see how he acts with his wife and i see how he acts with me. He is unhappy, but i know he doesn't want to hurt her. (He already is I know). I'm so confused but i can't give up. There's something about this that seems right. maybe I'm just nuts...

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A female reader, rickey?? +, writes (13 August 2006):

I so understand your feelings...I met a man 1 yr and 8 mths ago...He is everything I have every wanted for my life...He's married with a 5 year old son, been with her for 7 years...Oh forgot, we live several states apart...So our relationship is long distance as well as the marriage...It has been the most difficult 1 1/2 of my life...I know that he loves me, and I know that I love him...The problem is he loves his son...In the beginning I told him I didn't think this was a good idea, that we should just be friends...We have very close mutual friends...This is the first affair he has every had and it has torn him completely appart...I've tried so many times to just say goodbye and he has also tried to say goodbye, but we always end up deciding to stay together after less than a day...Yesterday, I came back from a 8 day stay with him...We loved, argued, discussed, had the best and the worst times in these last 8 days...When he dropped me off at the airport he said he loved me, and not to say goodbye just See you soon...He called several times the next couple of hours, he was on his way home to his wife and son...He is probably more confused about what to do than either one of us...Everyday I agonize over what I should do, if I really loved him, wouldn't it be best for him if I just walk away? If he really loved me, would nothing stop him to be with me? He's in love with him child...and that makes me love him more...I really believed that I could handle whatever happened in this, but I was so wrong...The longer it goes, the harder it is to let go...Believe me when I tell you, if at all possible for yourself and for him, STAY AWAY...You will never be satisfied with him walking away...Every sweet thing done or said, every loving moment, every wonderful memory will always be overshadowed by doubt, b/c he goes home to someone else...Happy or not? They have created a life together, he feels safe and secure, that is hard to say good bye too...No matter how much he may or may not love you or her, FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN IS THE WORST KIND OF FEAR...You will spend every moment trying to convince that you will make him happy...But really deep inside you just start to feel afraid and insecure...You feel like you are competing and trying to prove yourself worthy...I don't how I'm gonna to say goodbye, but I know I've got too...I'm afraid that I will be walking away from my soulmate...He asked me the other night, If I change one thing about, what would it be? Immediately I responded with "You not being married"...He smiled and said good answer...Then I asked him, "He said "If I could have met you 8 years ago"...Both are as unrealistic as the other...But I will tell no matter how many times, people say don't do it, you will because you want to...simple as that...You'll believe and have faith because you want to...So really your decision has already been made...Just know that it's probably a bad one...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2006):

I too am in the same boat as you. I have been contimplating telling him to take a hike for a long time. We have been together for over 2 yrs. He told his wife he was not happy and wanted to leave, made plans to leave, and some things happened that enabled him to leave, and here I am still hoping, still waiting, just as you are, but we both know the best thing is to let go, let him get his life figured out. If he really is unhappy he will eventually leave. I keep asking myself why hasn't she left, I know in my gut it is b/c he feeds her a lot of bull crap just as he does me. I think he loves me, but I think that is not enough. I believe that we are the ones who will benefit by leaveing this messy situation, b/c we can gain our dignity and learn from all of this while he has to still sit at home with his wife, afraid to follow what he really wants. This is a coward.I just think that as much as I love him and as much as I believe we are the best of friends, that now is not our time, and yes maybe there will never be a time for us but you know what, at least we will have known it wasn't meant to be and we can move on to better things and not make the same mistakes. I know it's hard to let go, but that is what I am going to do, and it is what you need to do as well.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 August 2006):

eyeswideopen agony auntPermit me to join the crowd...he will never leave his wife.

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A female reader, carebear United Kingdom +, writes (1 August 2006):

carebear agony auntRUN!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

He is using you the comments below are spot on this is the oldest line in the world and you are his bit on the side. He will not leave his wife for you, despite what he says, you are probably one of many. I am sorry to be so blunt but I think you need a wake up call. Good luck.

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (31 July 2006):

Wild Thaing agony auntIf you can't hear the counsel of trusted friends then what do you expect to hear on this forum?

I'll tell you what your cheating married man is like when he is truly happy. He has the comforts of a stable home life with his wife and at the same time he has the excitement of a tasty side dish - you. I daresay he's got a pretty sweet deal right now.

He doesn't have the balls to end his marriage before jumping into bed with you, and right now you have not given him any reason to change the status quo. If you don't give him the ultimatum, you will find yourself hearing a different set of lies from him a year from now. Consider this: If he can lie in the face of his marital vows what makes you think isn't lying to you at this very moment?

Shania is so right with her counsel, and so are your friends. But you have to start listening to your own inner voice. Are you satisfied in a relationship where you will NEVER have 100% of your man? Can your self-esteem handle the realization that all you are to him is that tasty side dish AND that it is highly unlikely that you will become the main course?

You have made a set of choices that you can reverse before more damage is done, and you only have your self-respect as a guide in this matter. Good luck and take care.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2006):

DrPsych agony auntHe is a married man who cheats. It doesn't matter if his wife makes him unhappy or not - it just means that you could never trust him if you two did settle together. Frankly, he cheated on his wife, why wouldn't he cheat on you with another woman if you were dating him? If he was that unhappy with his wife then he would leave her - the courts would still grant him access to his child. If he was that madly in love with you he would leave his wife but he thinks he has cake, he can eat it...and he gets to go home at the end of the night to his wife too. You are willing to hear his excuses because you want to believe them but the advice of your friends and the aunts here is absolutely right - stay away from trouble or face heartache in the future.

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A female reader, phillicia +, writes (30 July 2006):

look if you like him and he is married and he is not happy then here is a question why is he still with her look read between the lines he would be with you if he truely care for you now wouldn't he, just think about this we are women we feel from our hearts men feel from there heads not the one on top of the shoulders just remember that.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (30 July 2006):

Bev Conolly agony auntTry to remember you're only hearing his side of the story. Naturally he's telling you want you want to hear! That way he gets all the benefits of being married (regular sex, stable home life, domesticity, matched socks) and a bit of something wild on the side (you).

Why would he tell you the truth and risk all that?

Oh, poor baby. His wife doesn't love him? She's a horrible, old abusive bat? Then why doesn't he take his child and leave her?

Your friends are right, and if you've been ignoring them, you'll soon discover they were right and you were wrong. This guy has no reason *whatsoever* to change the status quo. He'll string you along forever, unless you wake up to his game.

Shania's exactly right. You give him a time frame to change his life, so he can have Perfect Bliss with you, and you alone... or you walk.

And during that time frame -- when he'll be serving the divorce papers to his horrible wife... NOT -- you can speculate about your future with a man who'd cheat on his wife, and tell lies, and lies, and more lies to his lover.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006):

What Shania writes is dead-on target! As is the advice of your friends.

He's married, and whether he is unhappy, why he married her, is really not your problem. He has to either put-up or shut-up. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the bottom line.

Yes, give him three months to sort himself out, as Shania recommends. I would only add: Let him know you expect a decision by the deadline, and then STAY AWAY from him during that time so that he can really think through his options and what he wants to do.

If after three months he has not moved out, and begun divorce proceedings, you will know he is not serious about leaving her. Then, for your own well-being, cut your losses and live without him in your life.

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (30 July 2006):

shania agony auntIm sorry but the excuses he is giving you have all been told before by countless married men,spinning the same old yarn to their mistresses.If married life was that intolerable,then he would leave his wife and be with you because he loves you...full stop.Talk is cheap and action speaks louder then words,if he says he doesn't love her then whats stopping him?...Oh its the child,well yes his son or daughter should be the most important thing in his life but that didn't come into it when he started the affair with you.Loads of men say they cannot leave their spouses because of the children,yet they still want the benefits of a mistress on the side line,its called...having your cake and eating it.The only thing you can do is this...1)you give him a ultimatum,you give him 3 months to sort himself out on what he really wants and if he is still dithering then you walk...by doing that he might realise that he cant live without you but its the gamble you will have to take because at the moment your really just his bit on the side.

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