A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 2 years,I had thought happily. After we got married, my contract terminated for my job. All very stressful but we started trying for a baby straight away. Well the upshot is that all was okay with me but there were male fertility issues and so we had to go down the ivf route. We had to go privately but fortunately, my family helped with the costs. So I haven't worked properly in 2 years even though I desperately tried to find work but have also gone through 2 ivf's and finally now, I am 3 months pregnant.So hubby has been supporting me financially through this time, I have acted as PR for his artwork and he has never lifted a finger to clean etc, I do everything so feel that I have tried to do my fair share. Anyway, he has decided that he has had enough of supporting me and that I heave to now pay half towards everything. He says that I now have to stand up on my own 2 feet for once.....I am at a loss, I am 43, 3 months pregnant and high risk with this combination. What am I supposed to do??? I am coming up to the downs testing etc and am stressed enough about that.I am so upset and so upset to be stressing my little one.Any advice greatly appreciated.Thank you.
View related questions:
trying for a baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused,
That's the thing, he does have a full time as a lecturer in Fine art, it is very long hours and stressful. So I know that he is overworked and then what with the exhibition too.....
He will be home tonight and I will just see what he says. Ultimately, I am not scared to go it alone, I have waited years for this baby and that is my priority.
Thank you everyone else, I did write something else so maybe that will get posted in time.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 OP your follow up just reinforces my belief that he's just not reacting well to the worries of money.
Since you are stressed a few days away sounds good to me.. you can formulate a way to talk to him about his fears and help him put them in words.... my hubby does the same thing when he's worried about money.... he just overreacts and gets stupid.
i am sure once his stress about his show and his money is over he will do better.
the bigger concern is if he is not being realistic about his ability to support his family with his art. He may need to suck it up and get a 'real' job. just like most grown ups.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, I know that he is just very angry that he has no money at the moment and blames me.He can be immature as before I married him, he practically lived the life of a carefree bachelor.
Before he met me, he had never wanted children and I thought he had changed his mind in meeting with the right one. He didn't contribute towards the ivf as to be fair, after paying all our bills etc, he just couldn't. He seemed to be happy that I was pregnant but I just don't know.
Yes, I am sure that he is concerned and am sure thinking about how a baby will affect his art and life. Maybe he doesn't want this baby after all.
I know I have to stop the upset as it's no good for my growing baby and yes,I need to taken care of myself.
Thank you for taking time to write your thoughts and comments.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): He is a an idiot and very self centered. I would leave and stay with your family if I were you. Then make plans for how your future will be and if he will even be a part of it. Don't endanger your health or your baby's health because of him. He doesn't even sound like husband material much less capable of being a good father.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 I get the feeling that your husband isn't very happy with the pregnancy. Maybe he was initially, but now that the actual reality of it is dawning on him, he's taking it all out on you, in a way of almost blaming you for getting pregnant.
You say that your family has supported you through the costs. What about his contribution? Does that mean he wasnt even enthusiastic about this from the very beginning?
Everyone knows that artists have an eccentric temperament and they are mostly lost in their own world; maybe he's feeling threatened that his boat is in choppy waters and he's not comfortable because this is uncharted territory for him? That he feels his creativity is possibly getting disturbed because now that you're pregnant things are not the same and never will be, because of the baby?
OP he needs to understand that he's going to be a father now. He's almost punishing the baby by pushing you to work and this is his way of throwing a tantrum. I also feel that the fact that he's going to be an older dad doesnt bode well with him. He's used to his way and his independence and with the coming of the baby things are certainly going to be different.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 September 2014):
 Yeah, the baby is feeling your stress so stop it! If all you do is obsess over stuff that hasn't happened you'll end up in a looney bin. Straighten up! Malama Pono(look it up it just means take care of yourself).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): Go and live with family. Tell him he has to 'stand on his own two feet'. If he repents and wants to change, return. If he doesn't, then you are better of without him. He sounds like a total idiot, if not unhinged, and incredibly immature for his age. You will end up with two kids, not one, unless you make a stand now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so very confused,
No he doesn't deal with stress and anxiety at all, he is an artist who doesn't want to worry about money and just spend hours in his art studio.
I am sure that he is worrying about money for a baby but I have practically everything already from my sister in law now my nephews are grown up.
I will go away for a while if things are not resolved tomorrow, I have been so upset but now don't want to stress my baby anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2014):
Does he often over react to stress?
I am betting he is scared to death that you two will not have the necessary money to handle things once the baby is born.
Have you asked him specifically what he is feeling.
Offer to get a job as a maid/housekeeper and then say "hire me" to point out just how much of the weight you are carrying.
if he can't cope with this I would move out for a bit.. stay with friends or family. DO NOT do ANYTHING for him or help him in any way.
He is not thinking clearly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you honeypie,He has never understood the stress of ivf, I pretty had to do it all on my own. It's been so tough but I was determined to make it work as I so want to be a mummy.At the time, we agreed that I wouldn't have to sign on as it was just so stressful and really wouldn't have helped with the ivf.Now I am pregnant, there is no benefits that I could claim as I am not actively seeking work as such as I get to my 2nd trimester.Yes, I have decided that I won't do anything to help anymore, nothing seems to be appreciated and I am sick of beating myself up when I am so stressed with hoping for a healthy Baba as it is.Am just hoping he has just gone a bit mad as he has a solo art show coming up and he is very stressed...... Will see what he says tomorrow.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Caring Guy, I am just so upset and confused. He is really stressed as he has a solo exhibition coming up and has been really angry that he doesn't have the money to spend on materials that he would like because of me...
He has been staying at his dad's for a few days and has not really been talking to me except to say he is sick of being a financial door mat. He will be home tomorrow and will try and talk to him without crying and screaming. I am so cried out and confused. I am just so very hurt at the moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 September 2014):
 Well, honestly I'd walk away. This is ridiculous. My question is this though, can't you get any kind of financial aid, unemployment, something? to just help a little with the money?
I don't think he understand how incredibly stressful a late pregnancy is, or how hard the IVF's have been on you.
I had my #3 at 35 and did the "birth defect" amnio testing and it was scary just to think of, let alone to go through. My husband was in the field (training exercise) and could not be there, so I had to drive in deep snow to my appointment and do it all alone. I tell you that big ole needle was scary. It didn't hurt, but it's hard not to freak out a little. So stress is HIGH.
Maybe it's time for you to see if you can stay with family a bit. Figure out what you want and what you CAN. It's not even realistic for you to start working if you are high risk - no one is going to hire you.
Leave him to DO EVERYTHING for himself, see if he changes his tune or not. All the while you will have to consider your options and your future.
Now I DO understand that he might feel a LOT of stress too being the only breadwinner, but it's not like you are laying on the sofa eating bon-bons is it?
Sorry, he sounds like an egotistical asshat.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 September 2014):
Oh dear. I'll be honest, this sounds pretty bad to me. No man in his right mind would treat his pregnant wife like this at a time like this. My advice, urgently, is for you to speak to your doctor and see if they can have a word with your husband and also offer medical advice, and also speak to your family about offering support to you if they can.
I'm hoping that your husband is just having a little crisis as he comes to terms with you being pregnant. Sometimes people can have these little meltdowns here and there.
Also, I think you need to speak to your husband and explain that this is a high risk pregnancy, and you need his support and that since you've gotten this far it would be ridiculous for you to find work only to have to leave again as you come close to giving birth.
You'll be okay. He needs a severe kick, and you need to make sure you have plenty of support from family and your doctor.
...............................
|
