A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now, and just recently have been realizing the magnitude of her relationship with her male friend. He is living in North Carolina and we are in Arizona. They have been friends longer than we have been dating, but it is coming to a point where I want to take the relationship to the net level, but the only thing is I'm not sure that this is wise due to being unsure just how close she really is to this guy. She talks to him every day, she texts him every day, even sometimes when we are hanging out, they make it a point to talk on the phone every other day. I have expressed that it bothers me she texts him when we are hanging out, and she has stopped doing it so much, but she still does every now and then. Just recently I was going to post on her facebook wall, and saw a message she had sent to him saying "Where are you I need my Michael time." I have asked her about their relationship and she stated that he is her closest friend and they can talk about anything together, that she can tell him anything. He even tells her about sexual positions that she should try and stuff. So they have talked about sex. She said that she is closer to me, but I don't think I even talk to her as much as he does. I am very unsure about how close they are, I know nothing about the guy and I don't know what they talk about except what she tells me, but I am sure there are things they talk about that she doesn't share with me.I don't know what to do, I don't want to sound jealous, but I have been feeling very upset about this lately, and it affects my time with her just thinking about it, I've tried to let it go, but I just can't. I am wondering if I am the one in the wrong, and why she needs to talk to this guy so much. She says if he were here she wouldn't need to talk to him so much, because then she could just hang out with him. It makes me wonder what would happen if he really was here. I mean I am really weirded out about the fact that she is so close to this guy.It is making me very uneasy!I have tried talking to her about how it makes me feel, and she says I have nothing to worry about. I have close girlfriends but I don't need to talk to them every other day on the phone and through text every day all day, that would make me feel like I was really doing something wrong by her. I wouldn't do anything to make her wonder or feel uncomfortable about the way I feel about her. I don't know what to do, I just keep trying to be okay with all of this, but for some reason I just can't. I have no idea what they talk about or how close they really are, but it seems like she has a lot more in common or more to talk about with this guy, because we don't talk as much as they do.I am busy too I have a full life and am a very happy person, but this is really bothering me.Advice of any kind will help.THank you alll
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to her about it. I am not the type to give an ultimatum, but I did say that the frequency in which they talk is causing a lot of apprehension in my willingness to further our relationship, and her lack of awareness in the fact that he is in love with her, or has very strong feelings for her scares me.
She didn't know what to say. So I said if you are going to be this close and not even be able to explain the relationship to me, then I think I need some time to think on whether or not I want a relationship with someone that doesn't agree that the frequency and way in which you talk is a little over the boundaries of our relationship. Because I would never be this close to another girl unless I was pursuing them in some way romantically. And I am not jealous, but I really don't feel like we are on the same page. She started crying and said I don't want to lose a friend, and I don't want to lose you. She said I am tempted to just stop being friends with him. I said I don't want you to do any of that for me, because it will probably cause resentment later on. But I definitely need to decide for myself whether or not I want to continue forward. And an attempt at making a long story a little shorter, it ended with us not knowing what to do, but I am really questioning a lot now. And she said she doesn't ever say those things to Michael. That I need my Michael time was just a one time thing. I'm thinking about just leaving her, I got so many things in my life that are good, I don't want this to be the only bad thing.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Im gonna tell you from experience,dont believe the "we're just friends" crap.Why is it necessary for her to talk to him that much?Why does she need to be in contact with him so much?They are definitely not talking about 'friend' stuff.Theres definitely something more to this 'relationship' & you know it.Sounds to me like they were together at one stage.Follow your intincts & your heart,its never wrong.If you feel something is going on between them,then pursue it.In my opinion,i think there is.Get more hard evidence.Keep an eye on her,but dont let her know.If things get worse,then give her an ultimatum,either she cuts contact with him,or you leave.If he were staying closer,you would slowly fade out of the picture.Put your foot down.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (22 January 2011):
Hmmmmm. Yeah, you don't want to come off as clingy or insecure. However, your gf is certainly putting you to the test. I think it would bother most people if their gf or bf were that involved with a member of the opposite sex. I know there's a school of thought out there that says all of this is just fine. But, I'm one of those who does not believe in "platonic" friendships with the opposite sex when one is in a committed or serious relationship. I've never wanted to "hang out" with women I was not interested in sexually or romantically. And, I think a lot of guys fool themselves into believing they are just "friends" with a woman when they are really interested in her in another way and just have not admitted it to themselves.
Yes, it's possible for men to have female acquaintances. But, if a guy is talking to a girl every other day on the phone and texting her every day --- something's usually up. They surely ain't talkin' 'bout the weather! In fact, this guy is talking about sexual positions to your gf. It would piss me off if some guy was talking to my gf about sex positions. That right there is, in my opinion, a red flag. It sounds like line-crossing to me. So, it's entirely possible this guy has a thing for your gf.
Your gf on the other hand, may have no inappropriate intentions toward this guy. But, she could be getting (or already is) emotionally attached to him, instead of you. I do believe that her txting him while she's with you is just plain rude and reveals a lack of respect or care and concern toward you. If she's in a relationship with you, she certainly shouldn't be talking to another guy about something as intimate as sexual positions.
Your gf clearly has no qualms about what she's doing. You, on the other hand, clearly view the emotional aspect of your relationship with her as more exclusive than she does. This seems to be a deal-breaker for you. Time for a heart-to-heart with your gf as to where your relationship is really going. If she doesn't "get it", then maybe it's time to reassess your relationship with her. Maybe you two are not as compatible as you once thought. Or, maybe she's not as into you as she once was -- hence all the phone time with this other guy.
You're in a tough spot. If you say anything, you will be accused of being jealous. If you suffer in silence, you're going to start taking a hit to your self-esteem knowing that your gf is -- essentially -- emotionally tied to some other guy. You're not going to be happy staying silent, and nobody likes a doormat anyway so it's time to speak up a little louder and deal with this issue once and for all. Good luck
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