A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, to start off me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year now, and all of a sudden her past is bothering me. When we started dating, she told me she was a stripper. No big deal I thought, and I shrugged it off and told her it didn't matter. She also was honest with me about her sexual past, and beyond being surprised and thinking it was more than I expected, I shrugged it off. Well fast forward 9 months. We have since moved in and I'm freaking out about it. I've never felt so insecure before in my life. Not considering thinking about all the past guys, I think about the hundreds and hundreds of people that have seen her naked. I just feel like the specialness has been sucked out of our most intimate moments, and when I see her get undressed, instead of the feelings of excitement, I just feel like everyone has seen it, and I'm nothing special. I just think about how for $20 someone could get her to get naked and rub on their lap and it disgusts me. I don't know how to get over this. I'm cold towards her now, and I'm just apathetic towards everything. I love her, but I just can't get past that instead of me being one of the lucky few to see her undressed, for a simple twenty bucks, she would give out a lap dance. I've spent more on pizza, and to even consider that, compared to all the lap dances hundreds if not a thousand people have seen her nude, and watch her scrounge up dollars like a piece of meat. I don't know, she says she only did it for a couple months because she had no money and needed a job, but I feel like she had other options and just picked this one because it was the quickest and easiest. But don't get me wrong, it sounded anything but easy from the horror stories. And she got out of it as soon as she found another job. How can I get over these insecurities? I want to be the same, but I'm changing in attitude. I want to be the happy supportive boyfriend I was before, not the apathetic insecure depressed one I am now. I just want to feel special, I know it sounds selfish, but that's the truth. I want to feel like her sexuality is something intimate, not something someone could have bought for a couple bucks. No she never sold her body for sex or anything, but there are some stories where guys inappropriately touched themselves, and she had to deal with it and let it go so she could keep her job. Sigh, I really don't want to break up with her, but I feel like I'm losing all the positive feelings I had towards this relationship. She says she changed, and she treats me well, but I just don't know how to get over feeling like I'm just nothing special and that I'm like the thousandth person to see her beautiful body in its fullness. This isn't fair to her what I'm doing, my apathy is tearing her apart. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): i understand how you feel. my wife of many years gave her body freely to many pieces of dirt that would take it freely and use her, and she let them what hurts the most. yes you here women say the past is the past, but what is important is who she is today. the truth is the sexual past of a woman we love and care about does effect us , hurts us, and takes away some closeness " intimacy " that we could have. sure the past is the past but it effects us. everything a person doe's effects someone else in somewayeither positive or negative ways. you will have to decide if you want to be with her or not. if she is the woman you want in your life or not. it will come down to accepting her the way she is and who she is, and extending forgiveness and love to each other. i still hurt over my wife even though it has been many years back, i wish i could say it doe's not hurt like it use too when i first found out from her about the other guys. but in the end i decided she " my wife " was the one for me that i wanted to spend my life with.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I know exactly how you feel. I had a similar circumstance. I could care less about my girl's past - until the moment I realized I had fallen in love with her. Then it made me sick, physically sick to my stomach What I found amazing and wanted to cherish,, willing to forsake all others for forever, she gave away like trash, and those who took it often considered her not much more than that.And the idea that the past is the past and does not matter in BS. Would it matter to you if your partner murdered someone in the past? Serially date raped women? Was a pedafile? Ran a business where they scammed elderly people out of their money? Yes, these are extreme examples. But they are posed to make the point that your actions in the past DO matter. They inform the present, who you are, your morality, the substance of who you are...So, I struggled with the images of my now wife giving away to many many guys, who couldn't give a crap about her, what I wanted to cherish above all others. We made it through and have been happy for many many years now. But, if I am honest, the feeling of being sick to my stomach never truly went away; nor did the slight resentment that her utter lack of morality and self-control robbed us just a bit of the intimacy we could have shared. It's sad when something that is supposed to be so special, happy and fun between two people is tinged with some negative feelings. But that is the truth.In the end, was it worth it? I think so. I love my wife. We have had a happy and loving life together. However, this has been and remains a negative aspect, a small block to the intamacy between us. Like so many women say, no relationship is perfect, no partner is perfect, there are always compromises in a relationship. My big compromise was that my wife's body was freely given and taken by dozens of scum bags under disgusting circumstances. And for her, she is somewhat proud that she had crazy years. She is not happy that it hurts me, but she does look back with some satisfaction, and sometimes brags slightly to her girlfriends and occasionally even a guy friend, of her wild days. For example, we were family camping when I heard her brag to our guy friend how she once had sex in the bushes there - literally feet from where we know camp with our kids. (she never mentioned this to me). Or, how her first sexual activity when she was 14 or so was with a 27 year old man. I said that I felt sorry that happened to her. She said, why? It was exciting. She liked it. I could go on and on with these revolting stories however, the truth is, like may people on this board say, the present is what matters most, and the oresent has been great with her - always was however, to say that the past does not matter, you have no right to be upset by it, is bull shit. in the end, this is a compromise I live with, though I never (not for years and years anyway) discuss it with my wife....
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (13 June 2012):
 Her past may bother you, but does her present? Is she good to you? Are you in love with her? She may have been a stripper in the past, but she's only yours now. Stripping was just a job to her, like any other job. I'm sure that she loves you to pieces, and you're the only guy that gets to see her naked now. That is very special.
It's rough to deal with a partner's sexual past, especially if it's extensive, but just remember that you are the one that she chose out of all those people she could probably still have. Let go of what she used to do for a living, focus on who she is now, and try to move forward. As long as she is faithful to you, then you can't expect anything else, and you certainly can't change the past.
Much love and Best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): its understandable how you feel, its also understandable the way she would feel. past is the past. she's with you although hard to see it but that is special. if you truly can't get over it maybe couples counseling would help. just to have a mediator there to get both of your feelings on the table and sort things out. ultimately the longer you aren't accepting of her past the worse your insecurities are going to get. don't let something someone did in the past affect your future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): You aren't insecure. You have a different moral compass from your GF.
You should not be expected to "just get over it" because you have the right to your own moral feelings. You aren't punishing her for anything, you are just incompatible with her. You don't owe anyone any apologies for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Oh pleaseeeee!!! Did you ever watch the Lion King? Leave the past behind you! I'm totally confused because you said she was honest with you and told you of her past and now you are judging her for her past, when clearly it couldn't have bothered you too bad or you wouldn't be living with her. Instead of admiring her while she is undressing you are thinking about who else saw her? I'm sure she would be 'thrilled' to know that you feel that way. Honestly, I think it was her JOB and she did what she had to do to survive. Wasn't the greatest job, but I am sure she needed to do what she did and found another one as soon as she could you said. Just a question for you....How are you any different? I mean, I know she is not a stripper but did you buy the cow? Or are you milking it for free?? This should not be something that is held against her. That just is not fair. Maybe you can sit down and talk to her, live as roommates until she gets enough money to move out or meets someone who loves her. Just saying.......
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (13 June 2012):
 You may not have been one of the lucky few to see her naked. You may indeed be 1001 in the line of men to touch her. But if my calculations are right, you ARE the lucky one who gets to be intimate with her without paying. And that my friend is a special gift only she can give.
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