A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am i gay?I'm 19 and was with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have always looked at girls and been able to openly say 'oh they are hot', and i've kissed girls drunkenly at parties but nothing more. I have fantasized about having sex with a girl and think its a real turn on but watching lesbian porn for some reason doesn't turn me on because it just seems so false and sleazy.In my second year at university i met a girl called charlie who was visiting a friend, she didn't live in the same city as me but we got really close, we'd spend hours on the phone talking or instant messaging every day. I got to the point where i really couldn't be bothered with my boyfriend, and if he text me or called me i was feeling disappointed that it wasn't her, so i ended things with him. One drunken night after a night out i rang her whilst walking home alone (something we both always did). When i got in my bedroom, she was asking me what i was doing and i told her i was just taking my clothes off and getting into bed. I remember her saying i was sexy and the next thing i know we were having really hot phone sex, it was really good and the next day i remember waking up with the biggest smile on my face. She text me that morning saying that she couldnt stop thinking about me and that she really liked me. So anyway this has become a regular thing i really like her too. I've never felt like this for a girl before and feel really confused.I cant really be gay because i come from religious family and my parents are homophobic. Whenever they hear anything about gays/lesbians they are really disgusted. So i'm not really sure what to do any more. I would just like some advice please!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, natalieejanex +, writes (12 February 2011):
 you are obviously bisexual because you have feelings for her and you like her a lot. you obviously enjoy talking to this girl and you both have chemistry, there is nothing wrong with it. my opinion is, don't limit yourself to just guys and don't think that its wrong either just because your parents/family do. its your life and your choice and you deserve to be happy whether its with the same or opposite gender, it shouldn't matter. love is love, gender changes nothing.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I think there's really nothing to be confused by and no need to label it. You don't have to force yourself to only date one gender. If you're happy with both or happy with a girl, what difference does it make as long as you're happy? I think a lot of people try so hard to label these things and are so constrained by it that they actually throw away very good relationships and ignore chemistry based on labels. I say stop worrying, enjoy the fact that you enjoy this girl and have chemistry with her, and just have fun. Most women have been attracted to another woman at some point, doesn't mean anything other than you have chemistry with someone and should enjoy it.
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A
male
reader, Baramig  +, writes (31 January 2010):
looks like all the ppl that replied to this ought to read better b4 doing stuff...
this is a GIRL writing.. not a guy....
regarding ur situation stop that right now.. if u still enjoy being with guys n that makes u feel good cut off this girl.. u dont wanna b gay..! its really messed up.. im gay but i hate it... worst thing ever..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): Dear,With all that's happening in your life, it's no wonder why you are confused.Society's false messages do a lot of damage to us all, as well.What I propose is this: First, your parent's are not homophobic. They are not "afraid" of homosexuals. They simply do not believe that being homosexual is a good way to live. Since you say they are religious, then you must agree that they simply are against the idea that it is normal behavior.Back to you-In life, we tend to react in surprising ways to bad things in our lives. Have you been molested or abused in any manner by a man in your life? Was your boyfriend abusive, emotionally, physically or mentally?If the answer is yes, you may be reacting in a manner (liking girls) in order to "protect" yourself from a relationship with a man.Now, as a religious person, I do not think sexual relationships outside of marrige are a good idea. Women have been tricking into thinking that being "sexually free" is good for them, when in reality it is a slavery to men. Man has taken us off the pedestal and trampled over us like whores. Once women begin to understand their great female dignity and value again, men will treat us better. Hold out for marriage and Man will see you as his goddess.You have sought to avoid the pain of being treated badly by MAN by choosing to "swing the other way."No, I personally do not think you are "gay". What I do think is that you have lost yourself in fantasy to escape some pain you are feeling deep inside. Having the fantasy is way different that "doing it" in reality. Just as you didn't respond to gay porn, you wouldn't be so comfortable in a lesbian physical encounter. Some women fantasize about rape but they would never want that to happen in real life.What I suggest is stop looking at any porn, get yourself some perspective and really look into your past and the things that have occurred to you. Think about what kind of expectations you had for a relationship with a man...and see how it failed. Then, when you spend some time getting your self-respect and healthy attitude in tip-top shape, you can go back to looking for the man you deserve.Once you find the RIGHT one-physically and mentally healthy, he will make you feel safe, loved and beautiful. His masculinity will complement you and you will forget about lesbian softness, for you will experience the "softness" yourself when you are treated correctly.
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A
female
reader, EveryLittleHelps +, writes (30 January 2010):
You say you're confused, but to me there is nothing to be confused about. It's just the matter of finding the right girl. You say you watch lesbian porn but that doesn't turn you on, yes? that's just the thing. That stuff isn't real, you think there life is all fine and dandy? I don't! It doesn't turn you on because it's meant for those 40 year old guys who sit there and treat girls like a piece of meat. They sign up those sites and spend half of their days drooling over them and that's how they make their money. You seem like a nice guy, and you say that the girl you were with made you smile. That's the key to dating, happiness! I don't think you are gay I just think you need to find someone you can laugh with, spend quality time with and make very happy.
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A
male
reader, bojolay +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Dear Confused,Please don't be alarmed. Confusion is ok and normal. It's ok to have sexual thoughts about either sex, among other things. But thinking about something doesn't make a label appropriate. You might think about studying rocket science, but that doesn't mean you are a scientist. What you are is what you do. Hopefully, you do what you want - not what others want you to do and not what you think others want you to do. And you are only what you are while you are doing it. For example, you might be a student while you are studying. But if you stop studying, then you are no longer a student. Another issue for your consideration is the application of "labels". For example, what does it mean to be "gay"? Is there a strict definition? Is it possible to be "gay" for a day (on gay day) ? Does it really matter what you call it? If you have sex with somebody of the same sex are you "gay"? Maybe not. Maybe it's more appropriate to simply describe your behavior but not apply a label. The label may mean different things to different people. You might also want to set aside your question regarding whether or not you are "gay", and instead try to determine what you want to do with yourself. Do you really want to have sex with that person, or is it just a fantasy? Do you think you would be a better person if you had sex with her? Is it really important? Do you need to define yourself by engaging in the act of sex with her? Maybe it would be more important for you to decide what you want to do with your life instead. And finally, please don't feel compelled to have sex with anyone unless it's really what you want. This principle applies to both sexes.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): honestly i dont think you are gay.
If your feelings truly are genuine for this girl, then you cant be. a few of my friends are sitting on the fence (per say lol) and they like to flip flop back and fourth about what they like and dont like.
I say go for it. No harm in trying something new...hey, you might end up liking it in the end! :)
-C
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