A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my girl because of things she has disclosed to me about her sexual past. I know that may sound immature but it wasnt just the fact that I had thoughts of the guys she told me about her having sex with. The situation was that she and I were at one of her friend's house, her friend's brother is walking out of the house and her friend decides to mention that my girl had sex with him a couple months before me and her started to date. I was ok with that part but then she started to confess that it happened a few times and she had had some attraction to him. She then starts to tell me that she did things with one of her ex's as well. She told me that this had stopped when we started dating, but she still hung out with both of the guys when her and I didnt hang out and she texted them when I was next to her. she told me they both had been asking her for sex and claims she said no, but she still would hang out with them and refused my request to not hang out with them. Do you think I was assuming too much and was being too harsh with breaking up with her over that?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Hey,I've been through something similar recently!My (now) ex-gf divulged to me that she had an affair with a co-student of ours. The thing is; -This guy is in a relationship-I consider him a sleaze and a doucehbag-It wasn't just 'one time' only. It was a deliberate conscious adulterous affair! She mentioned how she was feeling depressed and low when the affair was instigated due to family concerns. So the sex was effectively her 'way out of hell'. She eventually ended it a month before me and her hooked up. She also resolutely told me she felt nothing for the guy. I only wish she had. At least then it wasn't just mindless indulgent sex! So when my ex told me, she effectively sought my approval of her despite her 'shame'. I couldn't really offer it. I was sickened by her actions. Not to mention it triggered a million and one insecurities on my part. Because she hadn't yet forgiven herself for the affair, I could sense she hadn't truly moved on. She hadn't really learnt her lesson and as such, she was no longer trustworthy. Not really. It broke me when we ended things. How could this sweet/kind girl indulge in such acts of non-integrity? My point is, perhaps you smelled weakness/low self worth in your girl and this turned you off!? It's not the 'content' of her sexual past that's a turn off. If it is, then it's strictly your issue. But probably the 'context' of what it says about her character/personality/integrity. If the sex stories of her past revealed an action or trait you found morally dubious and you can see she has yet to mature out of such likely behaviours then it was probably a big turn off for you. Hence you made the right call in leaving her. Because to stay would mean you were compromising your own sense of self.Google Madonna/Whore complex. It might enlighten you. Check out: www.ideaGasms.netCheers,Ash, in the UK
A
male
reader, Natter +, writes (23 June 2009):
No she shouldnt hang out with them with out you being present until your insecurities from her past are dissolved
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2009):
 I don't see it as being wrong. You don't have a strong bond with her, and don't really seem to have trusted her much either.
Growing up I always had more male friend then female, but the thing is.. for me at least. You don't sleep/have sex with friends. And being friends after the fact don't always work either, too much potential drama.
And ex is an ex for a reason. She might have realized that casual sex is not what she wanted once she met you. But putting her self in situations of being alone with guy she has slept with is not a good idea.
I wish you good luck in finding a girl you can love,trust and respect. They do exist.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 I dont think you were being harsh at all!
a relationship is about compromise, and if you feel genuinely uncomfortable about her being around these guys then you did the right thing by being honest with her.
relationship is based on trust and if she doesnt respect your feelings then you did the right thing by not carrying on with her.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (22 June 2009):
 There's a famous adage: Having your cake and eating it too. This seems like a clear-cut case of just that. She had you as the boyfriend, but was still hanging on to her ex-boyfriends as well. The past sexuality issue is there and I'm sure you're a bit uncomfortable with that... but, it seems like a lesser problem in the larger scope. If she's more interested in hanging around with her ex's, than hanging with you... well, that's enough to call it. Especially, if your relationship with her was still on the new side... kind of the exact opposite of the way things usually go.
Rather interesting that the friend decides to plant the bomb about her brother. I'm not sure what's up with that at all. Definitely strange.
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A
female
reader, lolo89 +, writes (22 June 2009):
 ok..so it sounds like she used to have 'casual' sex wether you can accept her past is entirely up to you and your morals...personally her hanging out with men who have asked her for sex whilst they know she is in a relationship with you i find very selfish of her..but perhaps she holds them highly as friends, but if they know she is in a relationship with you and they still ask her for sex..they are not really great friends are they?i think you have been a little hasty to end the relationship as it's obvious you care for her, maybe you should try and talk things through with her...if she was in a relationship with you and not just having casual sex with you she obviously feels differently about you....she has not cheated on you, just has not told you about her past to spare your feelings, her past shouldnt give you any reason not to trust her in a current relationship.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (22 June 2009):
Not at all. Why stay with someone that you don't trust.If she was unwilling to take your relationship seriously then why continue to stay with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): i think that its not us you need to ask its yourself and the question you need to be asking is do you trust her if you do then you have made a mistake and if you dont well then you have to think could you be in a relationship
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (22 June 2009):
No, you did the right thing. Even if she didn't have sex with them while you two were together, she may have done other things. But what can you believe? She's not trustworthy. It seems like she has a hard time saying, "no" so I don't know if I would really believe her either. I think you did right and saved yourself from greater heartache down the road.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Sounds like your X girlfriend is insecure about herself because if she had self esteem.She would respect herself along with you. You do not need the emotional drama. IF she really cared for you, she would sever the relationships with the other guys. You made a wise decision and will save yourself a lot of heartache in the future. Kudos to you!
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