A
female
age
41-50,
*roken Wife Mother
writes:Sorry if you get this twice I tried to do it secretly but closed out before I got the secret code. So I signed up to ask my question. My husband has battled porn all his life porn addiction isn't new to this family or the emotional effect it has on my husband and the family. I'm concerned. My husband's starting to watch daddy daughter porn. Titles like daddys little princess" and "dad thinks I'm mom". My heart is just breaking I have 6 children 3 boys and 3 girls. Age ranging from 14 to 7. He keeps his phone locked down. He doesn't even know I know how to get into his phone.please help me. Is this normal? Is this what men do? I have a high sexual appetite so that's not the problem. What is he thinking. My heart is braking and my soul is shattered. And my sanity is not far behind. What is he looking for. What's wrong with me.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Adam532 +, writes (5 July 2018):
We as humans are wired to fantasize. Can they lead us to bad choices yes they may eventually. I would recommend threading very carefully. Just because you found porn that has incest roles. Doesn't mean it is child porn. I would recommend visiting the sites and trying to verify. The actual porn industry is very strict on the age requirements, they also have a database for actors and actresses, and websites out on the public internet get monitored for child porn. I wouldn't report it unless it truly looks like children in the porn film.I don't think this is enough for you to tell the whole world, and try shaming him. My wife tried it it didn't work and after the wounds healed. To this day her family and people at my church look at me differently. Even though I would never have raped a child. I just had a fantasy about step daughter and dad, and searched for it on the web, and watched a few porn videos. They were all adults and I would never be into Pedophilia. That is entirely different, and if the porn he watched wasn't that, didn't show prepubescent children. There isn't a need to go so overboard as some people mention.First don't go telling your family and friends. They will take your side and most likely always have a problem with him. Even if he stopped, you might gain the trust back, but other people they will just label him and never change it. What do you think they will think? If he was to stop and repent. They would never think of him the same. It would be very awkward. Porn use is something that if someone puts it out in the open. The person using can themselves become ashamed, develop social anxiety, their trust with you broken, and hinder any progress in the relationship. It most likely will lead to a divorce. Bring this up to him and ask him questions. Does he find children sexually attractive. Would he ever want to touch a child in-appropriately. Most men watch porn because of the fantasizes and lust. They love their significant other, and wouldn't want to physically have sex with the porn stars. Of course there are a few that would actually go out and try to act out the acts. They would even go so far as to rape or cheat. Does him watching daddy daughter mean he will eventually do it? No one can say for sure besides him himself. Next seek a professional counselor, ask him to be fully honest. This should be a neutral third party, family and friends usually just take your side, and won't be able to truly help. Sure you might feel better, but he won't, and your relationship will hinder. The counselor will help to find out, why he is doing it, watching that kind of porn, and if he truly is into pedophilia. I agree if you are concerned for you children's safety. bring up this concern to him and after the talk. Then move out or ask him if could please leave. Once you talk with the counselor, work out what your requirements are. A relationship takes two people. If you aren't okay with incest porn or just porn in general. Tell him he should stop or you will no longer be with him. These conversations should be at first between you two, then a counselor. You yourself are the decider of if you want to still be in the relationship, and how many times you can stand with him doing similar things again. He isn't going to change right away it takes time, sometimes years, but if he doesn't fully change, then you should divorce him. Some people only give a couple days or weeks. It is all up to you and him. You and him both have to make the decision to stick around or that it's over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Hi. Goodness you love this guy. If my husband watched that much porn of any kind I'd leave. Particularly if our sex life was as good as yours apparently is. Your story kind of made me remember a boyfriend I had and quickly dumped about 3 years ago. He used to make racist remarks and it upset me in fact shocked me and although not frequent it was enough to make me 'know' his view. Or so I thought. I used his computer one time to look at local cinema what's on listing and clicked on a drop down viewing history instead of search by accident. Basically he'd been searching for black orgy and other interracial porn. My point is someone who cries and claims something in public may actually secretly be turned on by it. He is in denial and sadly I think you are too.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 May 2015):
 The scary thing is that he is escalating. Yes, there are plenty of "barely legal" and "incest" porn where the actors are 18 but LOOK younger, and if I were a mother to daughters, I would be more than a little terrified that his escalation will grow beyond only simulated activities and branch into ACTUAL activities.
Here's the thing - you've already confronted many times. You've taken mere WORDS and threats and ultimatums as far as they go, and he has done nothing to change or get help.
At this point, your protection of your children should outweigh your comfort or your staying with your husband. Right now, he is OUT OF CONTROL and both of you know it.
Your heart, soul, and sanity are now secondary to your childrens' safety. You should no longer ask "What's wrong with me" and stop the words and start the actions, which should be to talk to your family (mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends) and make plans to move out or get him out of there and out of contact with the kids. He is OUT OF CONTROL.
Like a drug addiction, you need more and more to bring that high, and he has graduated from simple porn to needing more and more shocking stuff. He may make the jump to ACTUAL child porn, and he may make the jump to ACTING OUT. He may say that he'd never do it, but then again, he can't control his porn use...how much more would he NOT control obsessive urges should they turn dangerous for your children?
Be a mom. He's operating in the shadows, and quite frankly, how do you think child molestation begins? In the shadows with years worth of urges. Most molestation isn't the monster who hides....it's the family members we know forever and wouldn't suspect, and the molestation is as covered up as the incest porn use is itself.
Tell him you're leaving and calling your lawyer, and the courts and his whole family will know about this. His friends, his family, everyone will know for the sake of your kids. You saw the incest porn, and his addiction has now become a threat. His words are worthless, so anything he says to you is useless noise now. His only salvation would be to check himself into rehab and be under professional care.
The threats and words must be over. Time to stop using your words and start using your feet.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 May 2015):
 I'm very sorry to hear that you and your family are dealing with this.
Has your husband sought professional help? Because you are right to call his behavior a porn addiction. I think what you are seeing is an escalation of the TYPE of porn he seeks out. Much like a person who starts smoking cigarettes and initially is satisfied with one or two a day, your husband probably started with much more mainstream/"vanilla" porn acts and genres. Over time, however, he has likely grown desensitized and that same vanilla porn no longer stimulates him the way it used to. It's no different than the smoker who now needs a pack or two a day to function - he's chasing a rush and the more and more used to the product he becomes, the more intense a dose of it he needs to feel anything. So he's turning to taboo themes and genres - in this case incest - for that extra intensity, if you will.
To answer your question, no, it's not normal. The content is questionable but like Honeypie says, incest porn is actually pretty common. But there is a difference between casual porn use and life-affecting porn addiction. Your husband is well beyond intermittent, physically/emotionally insignificant porn use and into full-blown addiction, and he likely won't "get better" without professional intervention. This is tough to articulate, but someone might have a fetish for incest porn and only ever watch incest porn when using porn, say twice a week. That might be icky but it's not necessarily alarming and it's not necessarily an addiction. In your husband's case, though, it doesn't sound like he started with incest porn, because you mention "all the types" as though you'd rather have found any other type of prior porn he's used saved on his phone. That to me implies that the prior types were milder in content. THIS is concerning because it's not that your husband is indulging a certain specific fetish, it's that he's requiring greater and greater extremes to find porn content that is able to arouse him sexually. Incest porn might do it for a while but what happens when that's not "strong" enough either and he needs to go up another notch?
It's hard to imagine being in your shoes and wanting this man in my life and my children's lives anymore, but if you stay with him please be adamant that one condition of doing so is professional counseling for him. There is such a thing as rehab for sex addiction and he desperately needs that kind of help. He can't go much farther into extreme varieties of porn without hitting something that IS illegal.
Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
 So it's not ACTUAL child pornography but porn with a "incestuous theme" which DOES make a difference. (in my book).
While I would NOT want to BE (sexually or otherwise - yes when it come to this I'm a prude) with a man who thinks the whole "daddy/daughter" sex is hot (I would be SO turned OFF by it) - it IS fantasy fodder. And it doesn't necessarily mean he is interested in having sex with any of your daughters. BUT it would NOT be OK with me either. (same with someone who fantasize about choking someone during sex, degrading them, peeing, pooping on them, it's JUST not for me and I wouldn't WANT a partner who gets turned on by that)
"Incest sex/porn" is apparently VERY common, doesn't MEAN you have to accept it in a partner.
HOWEVER, as a mother... MY first and OVERALL priority... would to keep my kids safe. And while "incest porn" is common I don't give a fly's fart. It doesn't make it OK. It actually gives me the heebee jeebies.
Turning the tables on you, is HIS way of telling you that he takes NO responsibility in his actions.
HOW do you think HE would FEEL if you were in mother/son porn? DO you not think he would be equally disgusted and worried?
You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker or not.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
 You can write re-submittals until they are as lengthy as "War and Peace"..... but not a one of them is going to justify what hubby is doing......
WHY aren't you simply saying to hubby: "Hunchy-Bunchy, this stops NOW.... or me .... and our kids .... are out of here... and YOU, Sir, will get a visit from the porno squad"????????
Good luck.... Guys like this are lucky to encounter women like you, who won't "pull the trigger" and expose them for who they REALLY are!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken Wife Mother +, writes (9 May 2015):
Broken Wife Mother is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have confronted him many times in the past and he gets angry he tried to make me feel guilty saying how could you think that I'm that kind of person He breaks down and cries, 'how can you think that I would do something like that watch something like that. I'm not this evil person you think'He tries to turn the tables and make me feel guilty for suspecting and it would work except I always have proof and when I show him the proof then all the crying and whining and trying to put guilt trips stops.He becomes contrite apologetic but before he gets to that point he has a hole show to put on that most people would fall for that I would fall for if it wasn't always for the proof in my hand and I always end up showing him this last one the direction it's going it's concerning.I did talk to him last night very little all I asked him what if he has watched porn lately in and if he had any porn and he said no he had not watched any and he had none so right off the bat I know he's lying I saw a few seconds of each video I guess hoping it wasn't like what they sounded it was the few seconds I saw the girl was not underage or anything she looked older but I don't know I only saw a few seconds and he had three the two titles above that I mentioned are the exact title name and one was at 1 and 2 part I did take a screenshot of the three movie listings and sent it to my phone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Broken Wife Mother +, writes (9 May 2015):
Broken Wife Mother is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI saw live 5 seconds of both porn shows. The girls looked older I didn't take a good look because I was so exhausted so atleast what I saw I didn't see kids. I saw a young woman don't know what age. But she wasn't underage or anything like that. What concerns me is the direction his addictions going and he usually doesn't save porn. So it is equally frustrating that all the types of porn he has watched. He had hidden daddy daughter porn on his phone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
I would report this. I know with 6 kids this would be hard, because IF he gets tossed in jail (and he should for buying child porn) - but YOU have to PROTECT your kids.
I get that you are more then just disgusted you feel paralyzed.
BUT this is NOT normal. Daddy/daughter porn is NOT normal.
For the most part I will say a LOT of porn is not what a person "likes" in reality, it's either a taboo or naughty - but when it comes to child porn? Or the HINT of child porn? I want to say that there is more to it being a taboo - it's freaking sick.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 I can understand why people crave abnormal sexual stuff. It's taboo. What would stop me is that child pornography is illegal. Don't we all see the ads on buses telling people to report child pornography because it doesn't report itself? Doesn't your husband care about the exploitative effects it has on those poor children? It's certainly not normal. Don't let him break you because your children need you. I would worry what he would do to the children too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
There's NOTHING "wrong" with you....
Wanting your Hubby to exhibit a bit moral certitude is NOT expecting too much. (Especially since he's supposed to be contributing to the "moral compass" that your kids inherit...) ... and moral certitude is NOT found in watching incestuous porn....
I understand you had to snoop in order to learn of this, watching (no?).... BUT, now that you know about it.. you can't "put the genie back in the bottle.." ... 'cuz , if you try, you will dissolve your soul from the inside, out...
Sit down with Hubby, reveal that you snooped - and what you found - and ASK HIM for his take on what he's doing...
THAT's where you can BEGIN....
Good luck..
...............................
|
