A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have just started seeing a guy that I like so much, but i'm held back by two things. I was sexually abused for years as a kid which made me really shy and scared about sex. My last boyfriend -the first I had truly slept with - complained about my shyness. When I told him why and asked that we slow it down a little he got SO angry with me, he told me it was all my fault and that I musn't love him, and that I was lying. I cried for hours that night. He broke up with me shortly afterwards.It's a while on now, and this new man is 1000xkinder, nicer and an old friend. I have more confidence with sex now, but do I tell him about my abuse? I'm so afraid he'll yell at me as well or not want to be with me becuase I'm too much work...:( help?
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broke up, confidence, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 the first guy you was with obviously wasnt caring about anyone elses feelings but his own and it seems to me he only cared about having a good time in bed.if you are comfortable with your partner now and you love him and tell him in confidence i should think hed be supportive not every guy is like the first one i think you should confide in him as when your in a relationship with someone you should share everything with that person to show them you have trust with him and if he reacts the way the first guy did then he really isnt worth your time.i got abused at 16, i had a boyfriend at the time and he thought i was lying but he stood by me and realised that i was telling the truth and understood when i got upset and shy about sex.im with a new partner now and i am still quite shy during sex because of my experience but i have more trust in my partner that i was able to tell him about my past and why i was like the way i am now he was very comforting and supportive and because of this it has made me stronger and less shy
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): You need to tell him because not telling him will create its own issues in your head. By being open you will be able to be yourself. If this guy is worth anything he will be understanding of you - but you also need to explain the last experience you had with a guy because that added another layer to your emotions. He sounds like a decent man so give him a chance and ensure you explain when you are both relaxed not in an intimate situation so the two are not blended. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/ +, writes (18 August 2009):
 hun, what your ex did to you was also a form of abuse! i feel for you, you were incredibily brave been honest with him and he hurt you in a way no one deserves. it was totally out of order to treat you the way he did. not all ppl are as cruel as him so dont take that experience into your new relationship. your new b/f sounds like a much more understanding person and the fact you have known him for a long time also means you have built up a good trust with him before hand, sit him down, and explain you have something hard to tell him, and explain that you do not want it to change any aspect of your relationship you just need him to be aware of your situation and how emotionally its affected you. he WILL understand, and support you. There is one or two things here that bother me though, has the person/people who did this to you been punished for what they put you though? and have you recieved any professional support to help you deal with everything and move on with your life? i kno its scary and hard for you to do but you would be suprised at the wonders it can help you. good luck hun, JD x
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 Why do you want to tell him i dont want to sound harsh but we all have our burdens in life to bear if i break my leg i dont want everyone else to break there ankle.
Does this man really need to kno do you think it will make your relation ship better. Ideally you should be able to tell some one that loves you any thing but where only human some can handle what some cannot.
Some men cant handle this i dont know why many fathers will abandon there daughters and wives if they have been abused.
you can possibly hit up to it to judge his reaction.
he should be able to accept this and love you regardless but alas its not always the case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): You've been twice abused. By the one who did it to you as a kid, and by the insensitive brute you next confided in. No bloody wonder you're chary of opening up again.
Kiddo, it's up to you to decide whether this chap is worth confiding in. If you think he's "the one", if you are hoping to make a life with him, then you absolutely need to tell him. The person you're going to spend you life with has to know -- and he will comfort you and help you get past it forever. If this chap can't handle it either, he's trash.
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A
male
reader, deadduderc +, writes (18 August 2009):
First of all, a REAL man would never yell at you if you were sexually abused. However, a REAL man also deserves to be with a woman who can be completely upfront with him, so you really should be honest with him before your relationship gets any more serious. That way, if he starts treating you like your ex did, then you'll know he wasn't a REAL man either.
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