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I'm afraid to have sex with my boyfriend

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Question - (11 November 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 November 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm afraid to have sex with my boyfriend...

I've been seen this guy for 3 months now and things are moving forward. However, every time we start getting intimate, I freak out and stop all interactions.

I'm a virgin and this is the first proper guy I've been with. So I put my anxiety down to that it's my first time.

Without getting too detailed, we have made out and he's done stuff to me and me to him.

But when it gets down to actually having sex, I just stop. And refuse it which he respects but I do feel he's frustrated as well because obviously event beforehand seems like we will end up doing it.

I, myself don't really understand why I say no because I do want to. But something in my head just says no.

It's going to hurt. He might not like it. Something could go wrong.

He also keeps asking for a blow job which I just refuse to do. Again I've not done it so I don't want to be bad.. and tbh its not something I wish to do.

Is there any advice out there. Or am I just simply making this bigger than it is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017):

Dear Anonymous Writer,

Having read your problem in this letter about your anxiety to have sex with your boyfriend. I understand how you feel, because I was in the same situation you are 2 years ago. This is why I hope I have some good advice for you.

The best thing for you to do is tell your boyfriend about your thoughts. I think you should tell him that you are getting nervous when it gets down to having sex. If he really loves you, he will understand you and maybe help you to feel more comfortable and do not afraid to do sex.

In addition, if you do not want to do a blowjob, you have not to do it. Therefore, if I were you, I would talk with him and if he does not like hearing that, well that is his issue, not yours. All I can say is never do something just because you may fear losing him, or because you do not want to let him down.

Finally, I really hope that my advice will help you and everything will be okay.

Good luck,

Miss Teresa.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt does sound like your anxiety is caused by not knowing what to expect and well that is completely normal. However are you sure that you are wanting to be intimate with your boyfriend? Are you sure there is sexual chemistry between you both and you are completely comfortable with him? It could be that you might not be at that stage off wanting sex and that is okay. Same with the blow job, don't do it if you don't want to.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntAlso, in reference to your bf always asking you to perform a blow job on him, you don't ever have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, whatever the reason.

Just as your bf may not like you doing certain things to him, he must also be mindful that you aren't into doing a blow job.

You tell him, i'm not comfortable giving you a blow job and if he doesn't like hearing that, well that's his issue, not yours.

All i can say is, never, ever do something to please somebody, just because you may fear losing them, or because you don't want to let them down.

Always speak up and stand up for yourself and don't ever back down.

You don't have to sound angry or come across as hostile and rude, but you're well within your rights to say, NO.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (13 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntIt's ok to say no, it's ok to not be ready for sex, until you are absolutely ready for sex.

You're still a virgin, so you've no practical experience and that's ok too.

At present, you're in two states of mind.

You want to, you don't want to, you want to, but you say no.

It's all ok and all very normal on your part.

You should wait until you are completely ready and if your bf respects and loves you, he'll be most happy to wait.

The timing must be right, you must feel fully comfortable with taking things even further with your bf, so until that happens, stop being too hard on yourself and relax.

When the time is right for you, you'll know and you'll know exactly what to do.

The best first experience would be when you feel ready for it, not when he feels ready yet you're not.

All the best!

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (12 November 2017):

I think this is the time for complete honesty OP. At the moment, neither of you actually know what the other is thinking, which is leaving you open to misunderstandings on both sides. For example, you assume he is becoming frustrated, when he might actually be worrying that you are not attracted enough to him to want to have sex.

The good news is, as with most relationship issues, good communication should be able to sort this out. I’d suggest you simply tell him exactly what you’ve told us - you do want to have sex with him but due to it being your first time you’re feeling a bit nervous/not quite ready to go all the way yet. Reassure him that you do like him and you’re happy to keep enjoying the other forms of intimacy you have been enjoying so far, and that sex will follow when you feel ready.

If he really likes you, which it sounds like he does, then I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to wait until you feel ready. Which might happen sooner than you expected as the pressure will be off and you will both know where you stand. Good luck!

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (11 November 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntIs there any way you can, without being to graphic, explain what you mean by "he's done stuff to me and me to him."? That would help us understand your level of intimacy.

Aside from that I'm willing to give you some general advice. I just want to go over the ethical bits first even though you seem to be handling that OK. Neither partner has the right to expect the other partner to do anything that they don't want to do. Either partner has the right to say no or stop at any time, and the other partner is obliged to respect that. An ethical person would not say that they were willing to do something either now or in the future, that they are reasonably sure they do not want to do. That is teasing, or bait and switch.

OK with that out of the way, my advice has to be based on some assumptions. Feel free to tell me if I am making a false assumption so I can correct the advice. I assume that you wrote this question while sober and not in a state of emotional distress. ie. you were not thinking if I don't do something quick he will leave me and I will be all alone forever. I'm assuming that in this calm and sober state, you actually do want to have sexual intercourse with this boyfriend. I'm assuming that you will never want to perform oral sex on this boyfriend.

Here is the Advice part. You need a private place where you feel safe and where you will not be interrupted. Preferably it will be quiet. It really needs to have a toilet and bath handy that is also safe and private. You need to have plenty of time. No deadlines. no performance pressure. I would also seriously suggest that you avoid alcohol or any other mind altering drug. Explain to your boyfriend what you intend to do, but do not promise to do. Tell him it may take hours,so he should relive his pressure by masturbating beforehand. I'm assuming he is experienced and knows how long before works for him. Get comfortable together. sitting, or lying in bed or on the bed, wherever you are comfortable. Start by touching. you probably want to start by kissing but trust me here you need to communicate while doing this both in words and in body language. Tell him what is good and what is not so good. When you are ready to undress do it yourself. Ask him for things you want. if you want to see him ask. If you want him to touch you somewhere ask. Get used to giving and asking consent. Get used to saying yes. Put your fears to rest. If you fear he won't like it ask him how he likes it, and believe his answers. if some thing goes wrong, laugh about it and ask if you can try again. Everyone has a first time. We aren't born knowing how.

Any way in a warm and safe environment you should be able to get to the point where you will allow yourself to do what you want to do. And if you don't make it with all of that then consider seeing a sex therapist.

Just a short wrap up. It is a pretty big deal. You are contemplating sharing your self in a way that is very intimate. If you have the necessary trust and desire, all that is lacking is giving yourself permission. You will need to be in the right environment to do that.

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