A
female
age
30-35,
*luffypuppy
writes:I'm not sure if I'm attractive, even though people say I am. I'm 17 and I've only had one boyfriend, we lasted for 3 months and nothing even happened, not even a kiss. I have braces, and people always make comments about how no one wants to kiss someone with braces (not to my face, but when I'm around). I'm not really girly because I don't want to be, I'm not very skinny and I have small boobs. How do I get a boyfriend and NOT have him disappointed when he finds out I'm a person and not a sex toy? I want a guy that likes me for who I am, not for who everyone else wants me to be..Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): i wood want that
A
female
reader, Spades  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 "How easy is it for people to tell? Do people subconciously do things when they're nervous but it's really obvious to everyone else?"
To answer your question; people do in fact subconciously do things to show their discomfort. Little things like biting your lip, fidgiting, etc. These things may not be obvious but they can be noticed if you pay attention.
This is what I ment when I said people could be noticing that you are uncomfortable.
I do agree with what "anonymous" has said, in that, sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship. However, that doesn't mean that you should do something because someone else wanted you to. Make sure you're ready.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Anon Guy here:
When I was 16 I had a few female friends. We were more touchy-grabby than I was with my male friends. We would pile on sofas. Watch DVDs with prolonged, sustained physical contact. Hug, and sometimes even lip-kiss hello and goodbye.
But we were just friends. I guess it was a form of cuddling, and we all found each other attractive I suppose, but we were all clear on our expectations. I wasn't looking for romance from them. Nor they from I. Often we'd just be hanging out or sleeping over.
Usually we all had boyfriends and girlfriends of our own (although we were sensible enough to reserve physical contact and affection for ONLY our bf/gf's if they were present).
I'm not sure if it meant anything. I wouldn't have acted that way with my football teammates. But with them it was cool. It was fun. But I always thought of them as friends, nothing more. I'm sure that's how they thought of me. We were just more affectionate than average I suppose.
I'm still of the opinion that sexual-style contact is the dividing line between romance and friendship. If, on the aforementioned couch, I'd had a hand slip down my pants, I think that's kinda where the friendship changes. :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 I think you are a bit confused and your expectations are unrealistic.
You are perfectly right to not want to be used ,or become a sex toy for the selfish whims of someone who does not care about you.
But a romantic relationship (boyfriend-girlfriend ) can only go on if there is mutual ( note that I say mutual ) attraction. Without that ,you are just hang-out buddies and it's inevitable that the boy gets tired , even if he's not a sex maniac. If he just wants to hang out, he can do that with his male friends !
Intercourse is not mandatory, particularly at your age- it's ok to wait. Same for other sexual practices . But if you don't even want to kiss and be kissed, then why do you want a boyfriend for ? ..
You say that you like cuddles and physical closeness, without anything more even vaguely sexual- but these are the needs of a 6 years old girl ! Physical proximity as a way of feeling reassured ,and get your refill of affection !If the physical and emotional needs of boys your age are a bit more complex ,that does not make every boy a heartless,exploitative little monster- just a normal,healthy boy.
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female
reader, fluffypuppy +, writes (15 June 2010):
fluffypuppy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Spades - I've had a feeling it was mainly just my age aswell, but it's good to have some backup to that thought.
I've been a little more confident lately, but how easy is it for people to tell? Do people subconciously do things when they're nervous but it's really obvious to everyone else?
Anon. guy again - Is it considered a romance if there's no sex, but cuddling and such? I like to be close to people, but I just don't need kissing and stuff. Is that still just a friendship with say, holding hands?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Quote: "Anonymous guy - Are you trying to say that the main purpose of a relationship is for sex and that's it?"
I wrote the post you're referencing.
To answer: Yes and No. Sex is the main purpose of a romance, yes. It is NOT the only purpose, no. Other things you might get from a romance include companionship, moral support, intimacy, a secret-keeper, someone who will advocate your interests (stand by you), etc.
The point I am making is these other things you get from a romance are also things you get from a friendship. The thing that makes a romance DIFFERENT from a friendship is sex. If there's no sex, then it's not a romance, it's a friendship.
There seems to be a duplicity to modern life. Many people feel compelled to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and equally compelled to be abstinent. This is ironic. If you aren't ready for sex, then why would you seek a boyfriend?
There's NOTHING wrong with abstinence, but most people date because they are looking for a romance. If you start dating a guy but you show him no romantic interest he'll first assume you are shy and give you a bit of time. If you continue to not show interest he'll assume you aren't attracted or that something else is wrong, and he'll move on, confused about what you wanted to begin with.
I hope that clears my point up. I'm watching this forum so feel free to post back at me. :)
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (14 June 2010):
 "Is there a way to tell which guy is the right guy without dating everyone and being hurt over and over until I find him?"
Not a surefire way, no. But generally the more they smooth talk you, the more of a player they are. I usually dated nerdy boys in high school due to that. I also would avoid the type who look like young frat boys, but that's a bit of a stereotype and not always true. Also a warning sign is a guy who keeps bringing up how he's not trying to pressure you when at the same time you feel uncomfortable. I don't know for sure, but I'd guess the guys who treat you like this last guy are in the minority. Most guys wouldn't dump a girl for that. Plus most guys will decide if a girl will have sex with him within a few dates and leave then rather than get invested, so it won't be so heartbreaking.
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female
reader, Spades +, writes (14 June 2010):
As for looking for a man who isn't looking to use you for sex.
I think a lot of it right now for you is the age. At your age hormones are raging. A lot of guys are going to be immature as will a lot of girls. So don't take it to heart if a guy is only interested in that one thing.
Not all men are like that. There are plently of decent people, so don't let that scare you or not trust men the rest of your life.
You're going to encounter that throughout your life, but you will meet someone decent along the way.
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female
reader, Spades +, writes (14 June 2010):
I know what you're feeling. I went through exactly what you're talking about. But just so you're not alone, I too have braces. I've always been self-concious of them, but to my suprise I havn't heard any guff. Men are still attracted to me and it hasn't seemed to be a problem thus far.
There are steriotypes about having braces, but theyre not always accurate.
To improve your confidence, try doing things that make you happy. Small succeses go a long way. Such as, changing a hair-style, clothes or whatever it is that you feel would make you happy.
Your self-conciousness is what people are noticing. If you feel comfortable with yourself, others will feel comfortable around you too.
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female
reader, fluffypuppy +, writes (14 June 2010):
fluffypuppy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous guy - Are you trying to say that the main purpose of a relationship is for sex and that's it? The relationship I had with this guy was my very first and so far my last, so I really don't know what to expect. I did think there was more to it than sex though..Are you saying that feelings and trust and all that don't matter in a relationship?
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female
reader, fluffypuppy +, writes (14 June 2010):
fluffypuppy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionperson12345 - Is there a way to tell which guy is the right guy without dating everyone and being hurt over and over until I find him?Anonymous guy - What do you think are the chances of finding a guy like me? Do you think males just naturally want sex, or is it just the majority?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Humans like to pretend they are evolved. We like to talk about personalities and intelligence and respect like it's the center of the relationship... but it isn't. Sex is.If you want smart, funny, and respectful, you're talking about a friendship. My friends see me as a person, not a sex toy. My friends don't make sexual advances. My friends don't care how I look, or if I have braces. My friends like me for who I am.A romantic relationship is different. A boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't necessarily have to pass the "friend test". The goal is different. You aren't trying to paint each others nails. The expected activities on a sleepover are entirely different.You're sending a mixed signal. You say your boyfriend didn't even kiss you. Then you complain that you think your braces make you unkissable. Then you say you don't want to be kissed.You should decide what you want. If you're looking for a close relationship with someone else with no sex involved, then you're looking for a friend, not a boyfriend. A boyfriend is meant to fulfill an entirely different role.This isn't to say your boyfriend shouldn't also be a friend. In fact, those are the most fulfilling kind of romances. I'm simply saying that the PRIMARY reason we pair off into opposite gender couples is not to braid each other's hair.If you agree to date a guy, then you show him no sexual interest at all, you are being disingenuous. You are leading him on. You are trying to use the promise of sex to form a friendship, then you are wondering why the guy is confused, and eventually leaves. You are basing your relationship with him on false pretenses, and frankly, that's obnoxious.Either be friends, or be lovers, or be both, but don't offer to be lovers and only be a friend. That is a recipe for failure.
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A
female
reader, fluffypuppy +, writes (14 June 2010):
fluffypuppy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSpades - I always get the feeling there's something wrong with having braces. People always say to me "that's so cool, I wish I had braces!" but then watching a movie a girl will go to kiss a guy and she'll smile and everyone watching the movie will say "she has braces hahahahaha!" I watched a movie just yesterday where a guy saw a naked girl with her face hidden, and one of my friends said "I bet she's got pimples and braces!" That gives me the feeling that as long I have braces, I won't be getting kissed much.I know confidence is good, but it's hard for me because I have anxiety problems. Three years ago I took a term off school and the teachers had to mail the work to home because I was just too scared to even BE at school.This isn't affecting my whole life, but just sometimes I become aware of it and it annoys me.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 June 2010):
I'm sorry if this doesn't sound like much help right now if you're hurting, but a guy like that isn't the kind of guy you want to be with and wasn't in fact all that nice. Threatening to break up with someone (or actually doing it) because they won't have sex is incredibly mean and generally means they were only in it for the sex to begin with. However, not all guys are like this, I promise. Most guys will be able to respect your boundaries and wait. Don't ever let a guy pressure you into having sex or make you feel worthless because you won't do everything he wants. It's not a relationship where the only thing that matters is his penis, it's trying to use you. Someday, maybe soon, you will meet a guy who actually wants to date you, not your vagina. I promise there are lots of nice guys out there.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Try not to get so discouraged.
Nine guys out of ten who make a move on you might just be after easy sex. But that does not mean nine guys out of ten are like them. It just means those guys will hit on every girl in the room and the more serious guys are choosier.
It also gets better when people are a few years older and a higher portion of girls will have sex with everyone they date. It means that the guys who just want a screw have an easier time getting it with fewer number of tries.
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female
reader, Spades +, writes (14 June 2010):
There is nothing wrong with having braces. It's how you carry yourself that is the most attractive. Confidence is very sexy.I always found that not looking for "him" at all had the best results. Carry on with your life, do the things that you like to do and you will meet someone along the way.You are still young and this is just a phase in your life.Most, if not eveyone has gone through it, so you're not alone. Learn to accept yourself and appreciate what you have.I hope that helped. Best of luck xx
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female
reader, fluffypuppy +, writes (14 June 2010):
fluffypuppy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionperson12345 - no, he didn't do anything with me, but that's because I wasn't ready. Eventually he got sick of waiting and broke up with me because I didn't want sex at that time. I told him I'd never even used a tampon (because I don't want to) and he said "awww you're no fun" so now I'm led to believe that even though they might consider personality, overall, all guys want is sex, because even one of the nicest guys I've EVER met left me because there was no sex..
Sorry if that doesn't make much sense to you. I'm a little confused right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Look for someone who has common interests. Don't be aggressive or clingy. Just do things that you two are interested in as friends. Let things take their own course and don't rush into anything. Life has a way of taking the steering wheel and taking you right where you want to go.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Most guys will be disappointed when they find girls who are only sex toys with no personality. I don't think you have anything to worry about. You take off your braces after one year, then you are more beautiful. You screen out guys who can't be patient, who can't wait one year to do french kissing with you. Same with sex, only do with when you feel ready. Be happy with who you are. You don't have to do anything extra just because your last relationship didn't work out. And there is nothing wrong with being single.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 June 2010):
I think most guys will prefer a person to a sex toy. I'm not exactly sure what you mean. You say at first he didn't do anything with you, but then you say you're worried you'll be treated like a sex toy with your next boyfriend. Have you ever been used? Most guys won't treat you like a sex toy. Some guys tend to basically use women to masturbate with, but most aren't like that. People generally won't tell you you're attractive unless you are, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Also lots of people find braces cute.
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