A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am a married male with children, and I love my wife very much. I hired this girl (who has a boyfriend) who was almost 20 years younger than me for a 1 year term. She is extremely sociable, and has a good relationship with almost everyone she meets. At first, I hardly spoke to her, and let my team leads work with her. I received good feedback: extremely smart and great team player. Within 3-4 months, I started working closely with her on a small project and instantly fell for her. It got so, that all I did was think of her. I found every excuse to talk to her and exchange e-mails. I brought her small things like pens, etc. I found myself falling more and more in love with her with everything she did. I traveled with her once for business, and on the flights to and back, and the dinners we had, I felt so comfortable talking to her. It was very easy and effortless. I became obsessed with her. All I did was constantly think of her. I became so obessed that I saw her name everywhere. On my way to work, I spotted a travel agency carrying her name. Watching TV, her name would appear in the credits or one of the actors had her name as a stage name. Walking in the mall, I would pass by a father and daughter, and the father would call her daughter by her name. I got signs everywhere, on the radio, TV, sporing events, books, songs, etc. I was sure this was my destiny, and someone was telling me that I needed to be with this girl regardless of my current situation. So one day right after work, I met her in the elevator. I decided to ask her out to watch a movie. She replied, "sure". But then immediately said, "You mean as friends?". I said that I was extremely attracted to her. She then got very emotional and said "But I don't want things to change between us", and ran off. I was devastated. The next morning, I called her into my office and apologized to her. I made it clear that what I did was very inappropriate, and that it would never happen again. She tried to say that there were other reasons, but I stopped her at that point, as I was sure it was going to hurt very much. At that point, she was going to leave the company in a few months, and I didn't want her to have a bad image of me and the company, so I went about my business as if nothing had happened. We adjusted well, and still had a very friendly working relationship. However, I was still completely obsessed with her. I was still receiving all the signs, and even more at a furious pace. When she finally left the company, I asked if I could talk to her alone for a few minutes during a coffee break. I explained to her that what I did earlier was very bad, and that it is the only time since my marriage that something like that has happened to me. She said she felt uncomfortable at the time. She was still very uncomfortable and somewhat emotional being alone with me now, and we rushed out of there as soon as I had finished. At her going away party, I bought her some nice gifts on behalf of the company, and wrote something very nice for her. I think she really appreciated it, and stood by me during the presentation. She was gone on vacation and out of the country for the summer. I wrote to her by e-mail to give her the latest scoop on the office, and what her friends were doing. She wrote back to me on several occasions, and we became good friends. She went back to school, and we wrote e-mails to each other for the year on and off. Sometimes she would visit the office and I would talk to her. I got her a gift for her birthday. Anyway, at one point, she asked for my help in an e-mail. She had graduated from school and wanted my advice on whether she should leave the city to work at this place or this other place. We did not have an opening at our company, but given how competent she was, I was sure I could get approval to hire her. During that time we became close, (she sent me holiday greetings) and I spoke to her about my work situation. My boss wanted me take on more challenging tasks but not necessarily in my field. She was very supportive. Anyway, I managed to convince my boss to hire her, and she was very grateful as she could be with her boyfriend, and she negotiated some time off during the summer. She went on vacation, and just before she left, we had a small moment, where her and I looked both very sad as I was saying have a nice trip. A co-worker broke up the moment with a bad joke. When she was gone, I decided that this wasn't going to get me anywhere (I being married, 20 yeards difference, etc), so I decided to ignore her when she returned. After a few days, she wrote me an e-mail asking me what's happening with me? Being still obsessed, I immediately warmed up to her again. A few months later, I moved on, and I was no longer her boss. She got sick shortly after and had to go on disbility for a while. I felt very sorry for her, and kept in touch with her. I even wished the pain on me if it could rid her of the pain. At one point, she was extremely depressed, and I think I really helped her out of it. I bought her another birthday present, and helped her in any way I could. I thought she was starting to warm up to me, and maybe she felt the same way about me, but she didn't acknowledge the gift until a week later, and said that she forgot about it. I took that as a confirmation that she is not obsessed about me as I am about her. In any case, she returned to work, and she is healthy again. Our relationship since then has been hot and cold, where I decide to ignore her, and then warm up to her again. We have never talked about the incident again, and now rarely communicate through e-mail. We still eat lunch together often with other co-workers, and when we are at social work events, we seem to cling to each other, but that's about it. However, I am still completely obsessed with her. My birthday came and went and she didn't even acknowledge it. So I think this relationship is somewhat over, but all I do is think about her constantly. It has been over 3 years since we first met, and I can't seem to stop the signs and get her out of my head. My mind is telling me that this is wrong, but my heart is pushing me towards her. Its her birthday in a few days, and of course, I know everything about her, so there is no way I can forget it. But I'm contemplating not acknowledging it. I don't know what to make of this? Funny thing, is that I don't really dream about her, or even think about her in a sexual way. I've thought about quitting my job and making a fresh start, but I am so in love with her. I want to be with her all the time, and when I am not, I just think about her. My relationship with my wife follows this relationship in a way. When she is paying attention to me, I am happy, when she is not, I am sad. I've gotten very close to my wife as a result, but I don't know what that means either. I am totally confused. What should I do? Is she my destiny? Am I here to protect her? Does she feel the same way about me? Should I quit, and try to live without her? Help, before I sink deeper in this hole ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): Dear Sir,
I read your story and the first reply. I have to say that disagree with the first reply.
You sound like a man who simply want to love a woman and be loved in return. You evidently know how to love a woman (as evidenced by your love for your co-worker and sometimes your wife) but you are not getting the continous love you need from either one of those woman. Why divorce your wife only to be with a woman who also ignores you half or more of the time. If she has not gotten into you yet, she will not get into you if you divorce.
There is a reason why she has not fallen intensely in love with you(and that reason is NOT because you are married). She obviously likes you --as a friend and someone to give her attention -- but not more. She even has/had a boyfriend. If I were you, I would not give up my marriage and family for something so unsure. You definitly want a woman who will return your love, that is clear (or else you would just be content to just pine for this girl). But from your story, I can not see the difference between this co-worker and your wife besides the difference in your attraction to them. They both seem to not give you the intense amount of love you crave.
If you get with this woman and sacrifice your family, one day your attraction for this young co-worker may fade (I believe it is probably more superficial than you realize) and you will be left with a woman who does not treat you as you wish as a lover, but more so as a fuctional friend.
If you're going to leave your wife and kids, you might as well leave them for a woman who ends up treating you better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): I read your story of life and decide write to you.
You know for sure that I really know what are you going through with this 'destiny' woman. I could say that you are not only one who has same experience. Myself has experienced this as well and I quarantee that it was not easy job.
But I past it and now it is behind to me. Love is something what you cant never expected until its blows yours face. That is what happened to you and me. This experience is something what you dont never expected to happen and it is still happen.
It is something what you cant control and what you just have to face it. It brings something very special to your life.
There is nobody who can explain why this all happen, I mean really explain. Everybody who doesnt have experience this kind of happens of life, they really cant help you at all.
There is only two person who can help you and one of them is yourself and other person is that woman. In your case maybe your wife too, its depends how well she knows you and that is she willing to help you. But fact is you are in love to that woman and you never can hide that, believe me.
I survived in this so I believe that you can too. All about is choices what you have to take. What really makes you happy, really happy. I dont believe that this woman ever loves you like you wanted and this is because your age difference. But it tells you that you really desires something more what you havent get it yet. I noticed that your wife is important to you, but do you really , I mean really love her, that she is that woman who really makes you happy??? And please all your family sakes, dont fool them they dont deserve that. I dont know what you think, but my opinion is that you have to tell her, better soon than later. Talk everything what had going trough and what has happen to you. She will understand or she don't. And if she dont it will hurt everybody. But it will anyway in time, if that is not now it will be later. You are happy with this woman, why you should be unhappy and keep this knowledge only yourself. Because afterall what ever happens between this young woman and you, you have to think what is best for you and family, but remember that if you are not happy then your family cant be either. Dont make this very difficult for yourself, if you continue keep hide this thing you will be faced only unhappy moments in your life. You have to think what will you lost if you do something and are you ready do to this and still accepted results what ever results are. You can have them all, so there is choice what you have to made, otherwise this situation come to you later and then you can sure that is not so easy. I suggest that you have to make clear your relationship with young woman to yourself. And make it soon because otherwise you maybe never get chance to know what is going between you two. You have talk too this woman and find out what she thinks about this and main thing is that what you want from her. Dont expect that she can have feelings for you because you are married.
Dont ever expect that any woman can seriously think about you if you are envolved to somebody else. If you dont want become happy or cant become happy with your wife, then you have sorted out what are you going to do. Dont expect that this younger woman wanted you see beside you. Only thing what your story tells me that your are not happy in your life and this have to changed or you are soon in difficulties in your life. You cat forget her so you have to sorted out things with this young woman. But first you have to think what you do for your marriage, is this what you want or are you unhappy. It seems to me that you dont want leave your family, but still desire something what you havent get from your marriage. There is not perfect marriage, but if this kind of thing appear to your life you should do something about it, not just be misereable because this. I think that you cant be happy either of your womans.
You have figured out yourself what is going with yourself.
There is not any easy way and you have to sacrifice something before things goes better. If you think that time will heal all this then you are wrong, who just have to face it what is your destiny, is destiny your wife or that woman you dont know that, but you know what makes you happy and for this question only can answered.
Please dont hide these things from wife. If she is who you love than anything else this world then you should tell this for her. Its like car accident you cant hide these kind of things from your loved ones. If she dont understand you then she dont, it is risk what you have to take. Love is only thing what meaning in this world. Be honest to your family and most of all be honest yourself.
If you want be that young woman then take divorce, only after that divorce you can know does she really want man like you are. I think it is small possibility that she say yes, because she is young and she dont know what she wants from her life. And if she choose your your cant be never sure is she with you tomorrow. Can you say same fom your wife? I dont mean that you wife is best match for you, but if you want get back in track your life you have to face these things and very closely and other parties as well.
If this young woman is your destiny you will know that only after divorce not before. Do you love her or not? Are you willing to sacrifice everything what you had? That is what you have to do, if you want to know is she right for you.
If you are not ready to do that then she is not right for you. There is not such of way where can get rid of these feelings at easy way. There is only difficult and very much more difficult way and you have to choose which way you walk. Listen yourself and maybe your wife and then decide are you happy or not, be honest. If you cant forget her then you should get divorce and live with that knowledge that everything is not so clear to us as we wanted. Then you can find out that what this young woman really means to you and do you mean to her. With that choice you will lost everything what you have and you have to build everything again from scratch. Are you willing to do that?
Divorce is right if you dont become happy with your wife or you dont love each other. Everybody says themselves are they happy or not. You have to think where this leads and you have to be realistic in your thoughts. Love is something what you cant control there is or there isnt and it is always risk.
There is not perfect solution for everybody it is not possible. There is only solution which is best solution for everybody. You are main issue, not your wife not that woman not anyone else is just you, who has solution for this. But I really hope that you are honest to yourself and especially to your wife, then we have best results to your life. If you cant choose then you are very serious trouble at yourself and rest of family.
Because you have to choose. What you want?
I dont know is this help you at all, what is comes to me I have been very happy to my choices and my life it is not over yet, but I know it in my heart that I maded right choice and it was best for everybody.
I choose divorce, but I wasnt in love to my wife and we didnt understand each other at all or badly anyway.
So I dont know what is best for you, but I know that you know. You have to ask yourself what is best for you and live with that.
I can say that my ex wife is more happy without me and I am more happy without her so it was best for all of us.
I dont expect that it could be solution for you, but have to think these things out of your mind, because otherwise you cant never get rid of them.
What happened to me before I realized what is matter with me.
I was quite similar happen like you have, but I knew it that is never can come true with me and her. But it teached me to accepted that my life cant continue like it was before this.
I noticed that I can just bring unhappiness to my life and other parties and that was not what I wanted. I sacrificed
my marriage, but it was decision what just have to make.
Everybody has free will to make choice of they lives, but hopefully everybody still thinks carefully what choices they make.
That woman what I fall i love with is not anymore in my mind and this is very clear that she wasnt my destiny in this love matter but surely it showed to me something what I was forgot long time ago. It was necessary to me because otherwise only half of me could be showed to others.
I did make me very clear with this women and asked her about her feelings to me and I get my answers. Answer was no and I released from this feeling, but my heart was very empty in this moment. This was start of all of this what I have faced after that.
You might think that you can hide yourself, but dont even try it.
If you think that your feelings will disappear to somewhere then you can not more wrong. You have to think what kind of solution you want that results are best for you and hopefully for your wife. You dont have to think what is best result to this another woman if you are not serious with her. And it seems that you are not, you just wanting from her what you dont get from your married. Believe me there is not perfect marriage only happy marriage. Do you have happy marriage and dont fool yourself. If you are not happy can you do something what makes that happy if you cant then you have answer.
Ok I finished here but I wish you very good luck in your life whatever your decide to do.
Just try to remember that you dont get anything easily if it is your marriage or that another woman.
Very good beginning Year
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 I am glad you are coping by yourself. I am glad to hear the good news, congratulations to you that you have proved yourself a wise person to get out of this situation before ruining your marriage and career.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am currently trying very hard to not give this woman at work any special attention. I did not wish her a happy birthday until someone else in the group did. It is difficult, but I think it is slowly working, and I find myself spending a little less time thinking about her. The signs have also slowed down as well. A crush or love( whatever it is) affects your emotional state, and actually causes your brain to change (the hormone levels are affected), so dealing with it is not easy. One has to wait until the hormone levels go down to make progress (3-4 years). I am slowly making progress.As I sort of mentioned earlier, I've channeled this heightened level of hormones in my brain towards my wife. Ironically, we have come closer as a result of this emotional affair.With regards to your situation, I can only imagine the feelings of betrayal you are feeling. But remember, given that the hormone levels change in the brain, your husband is not attracted to this other woman because of something that you have done or not. It is a purely biological reaction that has taken hold of his brain and has focused it on this girl. If he feels like me, it is something that is very hard to control. I have never felt this way before, so that's why I am so confused. But I am learning to live with it slowly ...
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A
female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (13 December 2007):
And how is this affecting the woman you've spent 20 years with? and your children? You are causing long term damage to them...and you know it...and they know it...if they don't they will.
I have been utterly devastated my husbands "emotional affair" which is what you are describing here. IT IS HARDER FOR A WIFE TO DEAL WITH (and get over) an Emotional Affair than it is if you had cheated on her physically.
If you get hit by a car tomorrow and become a paraplegic...is it your wife who will care for you or this woman?
You make me sick to my stomach. Or is it my husbands attraction to his "20 year younger" sweetheart that is tearing me up? I've lost 40 lbs.
Are you really selfish enough to think that this is onlyl affecting YOU?
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A
male
reader, Samutsen +, writes (26 November 2007):
Please give it up.I am confident you can do it.
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A
female
reader, BadAsh6705  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 It sounds to me that you have painted an extremely romantic picture in your head of what it would be like to be with this girl which is what you are obsessed with. You must realize that this is a fantasy and treat it that way, not as a real possibility. Being around the age of this girl, I would say that while it might seem that you have a lot in common, she is probably not looking for the same things you are looking for in a relationship and even if you were to finally get a chance to be with her, it would be very unlikely that it would amount to much. You should focus on your family and be greatful for what you have and forget about this girl. Get a different job and tell the girl that while you enjoy her friendship, you will always want something more and it's not right to your wife, so you can't talk to her anymore. I'm sure she will understand. Then get on with your life! You need to get away from her so you can move on.
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A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (26 November 2007):
 Your reply is further indication that you need some help. do not ruin the rest of your life for an imaginary relationship. She is not on the same page as you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. I feel much better that I have talked about this situation I'm in. I've kept this to myself for three years and it really feels good to finally talk about it. I think you all have made very good points in your answers. I don't think she has ever given me a clear signal that she was interested in me other than as a friend. I agree with you all, that alot of this is in my head. My emotional state is currently one of obsession. I don't feel any other emotion as strong, and perhaps that's why I don't feel the guilt towards my wife and family yet. I suspect that after this is over, I will feel it. I know that the best thing for me is to stop thinking about her and get on with my life, but it is extremely difficult to do this when I see her every day. She is part of the group that I eat lunch with and not eating lunch with her would mean abandoning the colleagues I've know for years. That's why I've contemplated finding another job. I agree, that in my state of mind, I did everything possible to please her. And it was calculating, and designed to get her closer to me. I am not disputing that. Unfortunately, my obsession drives me in that direction. I also agree with the female reader that this girl is very friendly and extremely smart, and is very open around men. Perhaps that is what attracted her to me, she is so easy to talk to, and fun to listen to. I think I have mis-interpreted her signals, and I being her boss at the time she didn't really know how to deal with my obsession. I really need to stop this somehow. The one thing that bothers me is that everytime that I put in my head that I will start paying any attention to her, a song comes on the radio with her name, or someone talks about someone with the same name, or I am watching a sporting event with my dad (which I rarely do), and one team scores a goal and as they celebrate, one of the players has the same last name as her first name. I guess when you are obsessed you are extremely tuned to anything about that person, but these events happen so often that I am doubting that this is pure coincidence? Anyway, thank you all again. I've decided not to acknowledge her birthday. Perhaps that will give her some relief from me. I just hope I don't change my mind before then. Samutse asked if I would really leave my wife for this girl? The sad truth is that, in my current state of mind, if she asked me out on a date, I would risk everything for her. What's worse, is that I've known my wife for a very long time, and I do love her very much. The kind of comfortable love everyone wants when they get older, and deeply passionate love in the bedroom. I would actually give this up for this girl.
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A
male
reader, eddie + ♥, writes (25 November 2007):
I disagree with some of the others here. I DO think you need to get some professional help. I can tell from your letter that you are obsessed by this woman. You've written this letter as if it was a movie script. I do not think you're seeing things clearly. You created this situation in yourhead and then nurtured it to this point. you set her up to fall into your traps, one by one. You baited her to stay around and at her age, she did. She tried to be polite but she hould have been offended. You're a married man.
The problem is that you've based all her actions on YOUR feelings. She told you she was uncomfortable with your attention. The red flag went up for her when you tried to get too close. She should have ran away and never looked back. You said you apologized for your behavior toward her. Unfortunately she believed you. If you were really sorry for your actions you would have meant what you said.
You continue to try and paint a picture of being her friend. Yo are NOT her friend. You are acting almost as if you're stalking her. You push her away, you bait her to return, you get her a job, you're nice in a calculating way.....It's not a pretty picture, all this stuff going on behind the scene. It's not very genuine of you.
Instead of doting on this young woman, you should be getting some help for your marriage. This woman should not be working with you. It almost sounds like you're trying to sabotage your marriage. I'm afraid you can not work this out on your own, you're in too deep. This will explode on you. You ask if you should try to live without her......you never really had her. You need to have this clarity. Get some help from a therapist to understand your obsession. It is impossible for the obsessed person to outrun their own mind. You always end up justifying your actions, even when you know it's wrong.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen +, writes (25 November 2007):
Thank you for this very consistent, honest and sincere question. I full symptahize with your situation and I do understand you and your feelings also. Dont worry you do not need to see a thrapist. These are all human conditions. You will get over it or solve it.My impression: She certainly likes and enjoys the fact that you care about her and further you love her. But she likes the feeling of it, she likes your help. She likes you as a person also. But she is not in love with you and she is not interested in you as a man.You are older, mature, she is younger and has a boyfriend.I also feel sorry for your marriage and your wife. You get happy and nice to your wife when you are closer to the other girl. How sad for you and your wife. As a consolation, she might have had different feelings towards you if you were single. But you are married happily. You would never divorce your wife whom you love for the other girl would you?I strongly advise against leaving you job because of this situation. Do not get to the point where you'd be another man ruining his successful career and marriage for a woman.I am sorry but given the facts, you just have to forget about this girl and knock it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): Evidently this girl is one of those who likes to maintain friendships with everybody no matter what and you misinterpreted it. I had a friend who was like that and didn't care to give mixed signals to men. This kind of woman was brought up by their parents with lots of attention therefore is very secure of herself and cravesattention from everybody.She is not as innocent as you think she is. I bet she feels pretty good about herself because of all the attention you've given her all this years. I think it was totally inapropriate to have let this 'frienship' grow in such an intimate manner. I believe a long time ago you 2 should've been mature enough and kept your distance.I would never let a much older married man who was at sometime my boss to buy me gifts and or to keep in touch with me for such a long time. I've had the opportunity and called it quits. This situation is something you and only you got yourself into. You let yourself to become obsessed with a girl that has attractive personality and that's all. By letting this happen you've already have cheated on your wife and throughout your question posting never saw a tiny bit of guilt and that's scary. Snap out of this silly midlife obsession and fall in love all over again wiht your wife who is the innocent one who deserves all that loving, obsession and recognition from you for all that she has had to put up with without knowing for the past three years.
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A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (25 November 2007):
 Has the girl given you any signs she is interested in you? It seems your imagination might be making you feel she likes you, when in reality she just doesnt know how to deal with an older man developing an obsession for her in a work environment. Of course it will seem very natural talking to her...you are 20 years older, have much more life experience, and know your business inside and out. OF COURSE your conversations will seem to flow, you will feel confident, she will respond to you positively. That doesnt mean you can create a fantasy that you are DESTINED to be together.I think if she liked you more, she would give you clearer signals. You are underestimating her....women can easily express interest in a man if it is genuine. I would advise to let this one go...its going to be hard...you may need to see a therapist.
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