A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right, this is the first time I've ever done this so bear with me.I was with my ex for over 2 and a half years. When it was good, it was amazing and when it was bad, it was absolutely awful.I have a lot of insecurities and trust issues (was very badly bullied as a child and had friends do awful things to me that makes it really hard for me to trust anybody) and he knew this when we started going out. He had really bad anger issues and couldn't handle alcohol and stuff, but we made it work because we were just mad about each other.We broke up in September because I was moving and he was going into his final year of studying in college. My moving thing didn't work out and I came home, stupidly hoping maybe there was a chance we could get back together but he said no way, that he had too much work to do this year and he didn't have time for a relationship. I was devastated and haven't been taking it well at all. It makes my skin crawl when I think about him with other girls and the thoughts of his family doting on someone new make me so upset. He's been really insensitive towards me, and has added loads of girls who used to cause problems in our relationship to his facebook as well allowing the girls he's been seeing since we broke up to post loads of stuff on his facebook wall, knowing that it upsets me to see this. I have maintained discretion, facebook and otherwise, with the guys I have seen since we broke up but he just seems to flaunt it all over the place as if he's giving me two fingers and saying "Look how worthless you are!!"He thinks he's doing nothing wrong and that I'm being oversensitive because it didn't take me 2 days to get over a near-three year relationship. I've been in a really bad place for the last 3 months and I don't know how the hell to get out of it. I'm so pissed off and angry and jealous and depressed and he feels NOTHING. It's like I got both sets of emotional baggage when we broke up beceause he could not care less about this. He's having the time of his life and I am losing myself more and more every day. My question is, after that long story, how do I get over this? I haven't got the time for counselling tbh, but I would consider going on anti-anxiety if that's what has helped other people. I can't cut contact with him because we tried that and it was just too hard. I don't know what I'm going to do, I feel like I'll never get over him, I'll never be able to accept that he's with other people, and I think it's because he really doesn't care. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice that has been suggested.
Things have not been getting any easier. I am actually feeling really, really down tonight. I wish I could just get out of this world and forget that we had ever had anything.
I just *can't* move on. Every goddamn thing I do, I'm always thinking about him. Everything. When I'm freaking brushing my teeth, I'm thinking about him. I want to be with him again so badly it actually hurts in my chest and he is so damn happy with his little stupid, slutty little friends all over his facebook with jokes that we used to have about stupid things, that obviously meant nothing to him because he has them with his new playmates.
I actually hate myself. I asked him if there was anything I could do to change the way he feels about loving his freedom and not wanting me anymore and he just said "I know, I'm sorry." I hate him but I love him so much it hurts and I just want him back. I just want him back.
I really, I don't know anymore. It's been 4 months, he's clearly over it, why amn't I? Why am I still hurting and he's fine? I'm not even excited about Christmas. I don't get excited about anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy except thinking about him and the times that we talk and we make a joke that used to be one of our secret jokes and for a split second it's like we're back together again.
I just want him, that's all I want. And that goddamn stupid slut has him instead. He can't stand stupid people, and he's with *her* ?? What does he think of me, if he's with her?
So sick of all of this. So damn sick of it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 December 2010):
In this case, if you haven't got the time for counselling, you're in real trouble.
The problem with the human mind, is that rather than seek out what's right, or what's happy, or what's better, it chooses to seek out what's familiar.
By that, I mean someone will go out and find something that is familiar to what they know, or they will cling to something familiar.
And that's what you did with this guy. You were bullied and treated badly as a child. So, naturally, you were drawn to a guy who'd treat you just as badly as an adult. He had anger issues, problems with drink etc. You never chose to seek out happiness. You chose to seek out more misery, because the only thing you know is unhappiness.
And this is where the problem lies. You're fixated on misery, because that's all you know. This guy represents your comfort zone - misery and mistreatment. Even now, when you're broken up, you're choosing to fixate on him. You seem to have formed a wild opinion in your mind that he's out specifically to cause you pain. No he's not. He's already moved on. He chose to move on of his own accord. As a matter of fact, the reason you split was because you were moving away. You can't say you're moving away, split up and then when the move falls through expect him to come back. You can't do that. You can't expect him to feel things, when he's moved on.
I feel bad that you chose a bad guy, because he was bad. There's no doubt about it. But you're now the person creating your own unhappiness. You can't blame him. Since you split, he has done nothing whatsoever to try and cause you pain. You're fixating on his actions, and fitting them to your own idea.
You came here for advice. My advice is that you get help, now, because you will slip away into major depression, and rather than accept that he has moved on, you'll just blame him entirely for things that he's not even done.
He has not set out to hurt you since you split up. You both chose to end it because you were moving. Because of that, he moved on.
Stop seeking out what is familiar, and instead seek out happiness elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You need to move on from this guy. You obviously deserve better and it doesn't sound like he was much of a nice guy anyway in the relationship, regardless of how 'insensitive' he is now.
Of course it's going to be hard to get over a near three year relationship. And it's not abnormal you still hurting I mean it's only been 3 months right? But it's NOT impossible to get over someone. My sister was with her first love for three years and they were the perfect couple, never argued at all and loved each other to pieces. When he started uni he ended it just like that, like he was throwing away candy and she was devastated. I never thought she'd ever get over him but she DID. Yes it was hard and it took quite a bit of time but she found someone else miles BETTER and got on with her life. I'm just trying to say it is possible and you WILL get over him. Time is a great healer.
You need to go out more and see your friends. Have fun, do stuff that makes you happy. Keep yourself busy. I think you should consider getting something prescribed to you though. Stuff like this CAN lead to out controlling depression. You say you don't have time for counselling, but I really think you should try and make some time. Even if it's once a month! It will make you feel so much better about things.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 You may need to talk to someone professional because this sounds like it may be edging into full-blown obsession.
Starting with your childhood, you were bullied really badly. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. But actually, that experience you can turn around to good in this case, because when someone is bullied, to cope with it it's like you have to put emotional armor on your heart to protect it. You could use that same fortitude now.
Second, you may not believe this, but his "time of his life" is a mirage. He may think (and you might think) that he's drinking the water, but what he's really doing is drinking the sand.
What's happening to you now is that you can't deal with his rejection of you, and it's being reinforced by the sense of "worthlessness" you have battled with long before you met him. Your ego is trying to balance your mental well-being, so it's fixating on this guy.
You have to understand that HE isn't the source of your mental healing. Actually, doing the opposit of what your obsession is pulling you toward is the source of your healing.
You have to cut off your access to his Facebook for starters. Checking on him all the time is feeding the obsession. Starve it out by cutting the access. De-friend and block him. No, it is not too hard. Use that fortitude of yours. You got through bully hell, and this should be a cakewalk compared to that.
Also, when you start getting obsessive about him, break the pattern and start thinking about his bad qualities. You said he had alcohol and anger problems? Imagine what would have happened if you had stayed together and he has those issues. Allow yourself to see him for what he truly is, and then you can pity the next girl foolish enough to get close to him.
Also, get rid of things that remind you of him. Gifts, mementos, maybe his belongings like a shirt, love letters, chat logs, emails, and texts. It's time to reinvent yourself. You are not worthless. You have a right to happiness and to be cherished.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Well he's obviously moved on.
In fact, I think he's done you a HUGE favor. Does not sound like he was THAT great of a guy with his anger issues and all.
How about taking the time now to focus on yourself and improving your life. A man will not be able to solve your problems and make life better, only you can.
Time to move on. Get an education, build your self-esteem, make friends who treat you better, travel and so on.Once you're working on yourself someone better will come along.
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A
male
reader, Jonronjon +, writes (6 December 2010):
Move on. Why waste anymore time on him? He is clearly showing he dosnt care, but at the same time he had to get over you when you moved and ditched him. So it looks like just because your life and plan didnt work out now you want him and once you find something else you will leave again.
Find something that makes you happy, Do everything in your power to end up that better person 10 years down the road. When my Ex ditched me I did everything to become the Man she always wanted. I grew long hair, Worked out, got my tats done, played my guitar harder than before and nearly finished school. And once i saw her again 3 years later She basicly begged for me back and I told her no and moved on.
Payback at its highest. Moving on and being happy.
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