A
male
age
41-50,
*entReeves
writes:I met my girlfriend on a popular on-line dating website. Her story was this - she had been doing on-line dating for 5 years, but had never been out on more than 2 dates with anyone she met on the internet. She is a divorced mother of one child, and told me, since the break-up of her marriage, she had never had a boyfriend. My girlfriend is gorgeous, so it was kind of hard to believe that in all that time, she was unable to find a boyfriend. After about a year, I found out about a guy I'll call Oliver. She and Oliver had met at a singles party, hooked-up that night, and continued for 3 years as sex partners only - while both dated other people that they met online. During the last year or so of their relationship, she started sleeping with his friend as well, whom I'll call Dave. This also was a sex-only relationship. She never slept with the both of them together. It was simply a matter of who called her first, she told me. Later, I came across pictures of her at her 40th birthday party. And guess what? BOTH were invited. And she posed for pictures with both of them. She told me that night they were both vying to be the one she left with. In the end, she left and had sex with Oliver. I also later found out, that after she met me, she turned me down for a date - so she could sleep with Oliver for, what she says was, the last time. I'm grossed out by her behavior. We were both married before, and I'd have had no problem if she had had a normal "dating" relationship with either one of them. If this were your partner's past, would you be as upset as I? Why or why not?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Here's the links..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
Of course you have only two choice, to love her and continue the relationship, or decide it's not for you and end it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Hello there, You asked originally how we would feel and why. Although we answered you...you feel how you feel. If you are too hurt and betrayed to go on then that is your feelings. If you love her and think there is a chance, then you will have to work hard to get past this. It doesnt matter what the rest of us would do...or why. You are living with your feelings, and your hurt. And unless we have been there we really dont KNOW how we would feel. And honestly, I havent been in your shoes. So although I answered from my heart....I dont feel the hurt and betrayal you feel.
I dont have the link because I am using my phone but you need to go to Tisha-1's profile....scroll down to the articles and read the article about retroactive jealously. It is a great article, very helpful. There are some posts there by an uncle named Yos that are especially awesome. He HAS been in a place where hurt and betrayal abounded. Please take the time to read it. I really believe you will find some helpful advice there. hugs,Mal
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A
male
reader, KentReeves +, writes (11 September 2010):
KentReeves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. Probably what nakes this so hard to accept... was the fact that I learned about it a year into our relationship. I felt duped. She had been with a guy for 3 years - and with his friend too part of that time- and everybody in her life knew it... but me. Her sister, brother-in-law, and all her friends had spent time with her and Oliver at parties and bars. I had been given the story of "no boyfriend" since my divorce. She had been deceptively careful with her word. Okay, officially Oliver- and Dave- weren't "boyfriends," I guess, but still failing to mention that she had been in a relationship with these guys was wrong. It's not as though the word "boyfriend" is such a technically defined term. And for those who said " two casual relations" over that many years; I'd like to add, she had other "casual relationships" and one night stands too - I just mentioned the Oliver story in my question because he and I overlapped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): You value sex differently than she does. You would never have done anything like that in her place, would you?
There's nothing to get "angry" about now. If she did not lie to you then she has not broken any relationship rules. But you may feel like you can't be in a relationship with her because of the way she chose to live. You have every right to decide its a deal breaker. You do not owe it to anyone to change your value system to fit their choices in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I personally think that what she did before she dated you has NOTHING to do with you. Unless she made you think she was a virgin, then I dont see the issue.(and she obviously didnt since she was a mother and a divorcee.)
She saw one of them, one time for sex after she began dating you....probably before you were in a committed relationship. She was probably still free to date whomever she pleased...and chose to end it with him, to date you exclusively.
I understand that you are struggling with her past, but in fact it has nothing to do with you, it doesnt in anyway reflect her feelings for you.
And it is in the PAST. LEAVE IT THERE.
*I find it ironic that if a man had done this same thing then no one would think twice about it.* mal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Yep, why should you CHERISH what she has given away so cheaply? Why should you so value sexual intimacy and fidelity, when she has allowed others unfettered sexual access to her so frequently and easily. She has never valued this aspect of her being, the other guys obviously didn't value it much either (they didn't mind sharing with whoever), so why should you value it so highly as to put a ring on it, as Beyonce likes to say.
My vote: find a girl with more morals, or regret it forever...
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 To answer your specific question: yes I would no doubt be upset. But I wouldn't blame her for my feeling upset, nor would I judge her for it. And I would do my best to get over it and focus on the present and future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I'd be upset that she lied about it. Because it immediately makes you wonder what else she has lied about. The 'problem' is that in the current climate, there is now a huge number of people who feel that 'no strings sex' and 'fwbs' and all of that stuff is acceptable. Unfortunately, while that is fine and dandy for a lot of people, there are equally a lot of people - and not always old fuddy-duddies - who actually regard sex as something a bit more than just 'the act' but for whom it means more; a special intimacy between two people, not just something to be dished out to all and sundry.I'm not saying either attitude is right or wrong, but generally someone who regards it as something a bit special is unlikely to have a successful relationship with someone who has happily given it away so freely so people they don't have a real connection with.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (10 September 2010):
She wasn't objectifying herself. She was protecting her child. Having a full relationship with a man leads to this man becoming a father figure. Clearly she didn't find the right guy for that. Until you.
In the mean time she has sexual needs. Needs she is entitled to fulfill. Given that, her setup seems quite sensible. After all, only two guys in so many years is not many.
Consider this by contrast: would you rather she had had 50 one night stands during that time? There's no shortage of single mothers that have taken that path.
She had every right to fulfill her sexual needs prior to meeting you. And under the circumstances her actions are perfectly reasonable and indeed sensible and responsible.
You shouldn't confuse your negative emotional feelings towards this with some kind of moral authority or right to pass judgement over her. Of course you'll feel bad about this, potentially really bad if it gets on top of you, which it can. Guys hate to think about their girl with any ex, especially when it comes to 'non-relationship' sex.
But as I said, just because you feel bad about this, it does not imply you have any right to criticize or judge her or it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
Nope, I wouldn't be upset as you are.. there is no point.. getting upset and angry over the past is a waste of energy.However, yes, I'd not like the fact that you sleep with two fuck buddies at the same time. One good fuck buddy who treats you nice is suitable for any man or woman. I'm not keen on too much promiscuity.I wouldn't be upset with you turning me away to have goodbye sex.. Makes things nice and clear. You end your sex relationship with sex, and start a love relationship by being in love with me. Like end of bad you, and then beginning of new you, which must include me.. I really like ritual, celebration and ceremonies.I like to know why people do things, and try to understand. If you explain what's good about keeping two lovers and why you do it, I'd probably change my mind and have admiration for you.. Takes a lot of work, having sex with two friends and retaining their respect and friendship. I'd start feeling you must be a nice person if two people can sex you and still want to be together in your company.Bottom line.. You love me, you do nothing to hurt me, your faithful to me, after that last time, and I love you... Hell, Tom, Dick and Harry can go to hell, they got the memories of a sex body, but I got all that and more.. I got meself a friend...I'd be planning what I'm gonna do to keep you loving me and happy for the next 50years.. I'd also like to practise if one person can have the imagination and the stamina of two. Or see how I could change my image and pretend to be identical twins.... lolI prefer love, friendship, understanding and empathy to arguments, bitterness and judgement... Our life on this planet is very, very short.. if your happy try a way to keep the love and the joy flowing. You are always free to choose what is the most important thing to you.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I personally wouldn't be as upset at you, but you only need browse through this site to find tonnes of guys in a similar situation as a result of their partners past. Its surprisingly normal for some guys to have a real hard time dealing with it. Having said that, there are guys facing much bigger issues like finding out their girlfriend used to be a prostitute and such... so maybe you should count your blessings. Be a shame to ruin your relationship over this, but Tish is right, figure out if you can deal with it... if you can't then just leave her. It is essentially your problem, not hers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): There is a real 'no strings sex' phenonomen going on out there, with people and it really can create havoc in a love relationship for some folks. I know it's been a year with this lady, and she told you, she slept with 2 guys just for sex. You feel grossed out..meaning you view what she did as very wrong. Hey, if sex always means love and commitment to you, finding out this news from her, is obviously going against your relationship values and your moral compass. You are not alone. I always tell people on this site, that when they act out in impulsive sexual ways, they need to see how others who don't do this, will view that behavior, in the future. Sometimes, red flags go up and questions like: Why couldn't he/she hold out for someone, who could offer him/her much more in a love relationship than just an occasional romp in the hay? Why did he/she not believe that their good qualities, that would make them a loveable, more special partner? So I get the feeling you may be thinking..why did she not ponder these questions before doing the deed with 2 guy friends? And why did her need for arousal replace her need for intimacy? Because she was just horny? Well that impulsiveness does make a lot of good people run the other way, when they are selecting someone who is good for their life. In your case, if you and her were to go the distance, you know that long term love relationships does hit snags and tough times along the way. Do you think if she's gets feeling a bit unhappy, her past impulsiveness could become more important than you? You've been married and divorced..you know that long term relationships require a great deal of hard work and committment. So in the end, all will come down to trust, respect, loving actions and going the distance together as a couple who love each other. That is what a serious relationship is comprised of. Now ask yourself...who she is now, with you? Look at her as a woman, look at her intellect, her wit, her strengths, her personality, her heart, her values right now. Does all that count for something? How you can work this through. There are a lot of people who wouldn't bat an eye, if they heard that their partner, had done this in their pasts.. And there is a ton of people, like you, that would have some doubts and 2nd thoughts. Everyone is completely different. I am getting the impresson you are a guy who does want someone special. But take note, if you can't get past this, it may mean you and she are not that compatible, love wise. Be selective, dear..it could save you some future heartache. The decision lies with you so go with what is ultimately the best for YOU and your future.. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 She had sexual desires/needs that she chose to fulfill with friends of hers. It sounds like nothing more than that, basically friends with benefits, as they seem to be called nowadays. Technically, they were not her boyfriends.
I suppose it depends on how you asked the question. Was she sexually active? vs. Did she have a romantic attachment to anyone? Do you have the sense that she was leading you on or lying to you?
You are the one with the moral code that differs, if it troubles you so much that she approached sex matter-of-factly and not as a sacred mystical experience between two people, then perhaps you should find another partner.
If it were my partner's past, I wouldn't know all the details, as I never asked. I knew he had been dating women prior to me, I presume he had sex with them. I didn't ask him his number, he didn't ask mine, that was in the past. If he had a FWB, well then, he had a FWB. It doesn't impact our relationship in the slightest. He is with me, whatever he's gone through in the past and what he's learned, I have gained the benefits of a wiser, loving, experienced man. And we have now been together for nearly 18 years. So I think the relationship certainly 'took'.
If you can't be with a woman who had FWBs, then don't be. She's not committed a crime, she had sexual needs and desires and dealt with them with a live partner rather than solo. If it goes against your moral code, break up with her. Just don't keep going with the relationship if you aren't going to be able to cope with it. That is YOUR problem, not hers.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I think that I would be more upset about the fact that she lied to you at first about not having these 'flings' when you two first met. I mean she could have at least said that her past was private, and then chose whether to tell you about everything after you two were closer if she wanted to. A person's past is their past (especially sexually). Whether they choose to tell you is up to them. BUT she chose to lie to you. That's never a good start.
Also, I can understand why you are a little standoffish about past behaviors. What makes you think she won't make these types of choices again? People tend to jump to the entire 'sexist, double standard' route when it comes to questioning a female's sexual past. But I can say honestly that if a man I was dating LIED about their past, only to find out how they were radically promiscuous before I met them, I would be a little worried too.
However, you have to look at how she treats you now. She loves you, right? And she respects you? All this was in fact, in her past. I would be more worried about her not being honest, because we all have a past. What she did in her past? I'd keep it in mind, but I wouldn't dwell on it. Keep your eyes and ears open, and make sure she knows that all you want is honesty. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Bobito +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Sorry, I really don't get it. She wasn't in love with anyone and she had lots of sex with two different guys. Now she's in love with you and she only sleeps with you. What's the problem, here?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 So,basically,you are saying that one should totally abstain from sex unless it's in the context of a loving, serious relationship.
It's a respectable point of view. I just hope that so far you have applied to yourself the same rigorous standards that you would like your women to follow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I think you are over reacting. She is a grown women and she wasn't in a relationship with anyone at the time so she has a right to do what she wants. Don't treat her as if she wronged you in some way. Or act liked she cheated on you. Because if she didn't even know you then, its not really your concern. The past is the past and it must stay that way. All you can do is focus on the future. She chose you to be with, so don't mess it up by making her feel like a horrible person for having two casual relationships in five years.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 September 2010):
 Personally I have never thought sex was a casual thing, but I do believe I'm a minority.
However, she did this before the two of you started to get serious. She was recently divorced and most likely NOT interested in a relationship, but still wanted sex. I think that is pretty DARN normal.
The fact that she told you about it I think it a good thing as well. I means she isn't ASHAMED of her actions (even if you think she should be).
If she had been a guy, I'm willing to be you would have had NO problem with those actions.
If this is a no-no for you then I think you should let her go, but I don't think you have any right to judge her life.
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A
male
reader, ashaw +, writes (10 September 2010):
If you are judging her, then first, you will make it harder for her to be honest and open with you, and if it really makes you sick, then maybe she's not the one for you. Personally, I wouldn't care if it was in her past. And, actually, even if it were in the present, it wouldn't bother me if she had another guy's penis, as much as if she had another guy's heart. (Although, I don't know too many women that just like sex without the rest of the relationship to go along with it.) Consider yourself fortunate to have a woman with some sex drive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I get what you're saying and yes I would have been angry also. Your behavior is normal. Is she still in contact with them? If so tell her that you don't like the idea and that she should choose rather she wants a normal relationship with you or a sex life with someone else. She must make a commitment to you. If she isn't in contact with someone right now who you think might bring trouble to the relationship then you should just give her all the love you can and forget the past cause you're now her future.
NightFairy
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A
male
reader, KentReeves +, writes (10 September 2010):
KentReeves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, I'd rather have no problem if she "loved" some guy for 2 years - and it didn't work out. But for her objectify herself like that - or objectify him - is unacceptable
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010):
I would feel exactly like you. Well you need to either accept her for who she is, or decide that her behaviour is too slutty for you to accept. I am not really sure I would accept such a woman, it would always be at the back of my mind. I would want someone with more of a traditional history (a few relationships and one or two ONS's)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I'm a female so I will see things a bit differently, but I want to answer anyway. I think that sometimes, after a long divorce people need to just blow off steam. Her dating behaviour is not at all conventional, but thats not to say that it's bad either. From what you say, both Oliver and Dave knew the score- they both know she was having sex with the other and obviously had no problem with it. It really sounds like, a no strings attached set up. Everyone was a consenting adult. All that said, the fact that this disturbs you means that you are not on the same page when it comes to morals and also sexual behaviours which you deemed appropriate. This COULD potentially result in problems further down the line if you let it. Her past, if a little unconventional belongs to her. If you embrace her, you should embrace her past too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 September 2010):
I don't quite get it.
Are you saying that , if in the last 5 years, she had had 10 ( six months each ) "normal " dating relationship, you would be less upset ?
You are upset she had two casual relationships, based on sex only. Maybe that's all she wanted at the time, - until she would find someone she could also fall in love with , or connect emotionally too- that would be you.
I don't think it's fair to expect from a woman in her 40s to live in perfect chastity until she finds her Mr. Right ( you ) and it's not her fault if she could not feel emotionally connected with someone , before meeting you.
What could be a red flag is that she started the second sexual relationship when she had the first still going, and I can see how that may generate trust issues. But, then again, probably Oliver neither cared nor asked for sexual exclusivity , so ... consenting adults, you know .
Nobody got hurt.
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