A
female
age
,
*abby0260
writes:i have been seeing this guy for over a year now and have fallen for him i love him but he says he doesnt love me, he cares for me, he texts daily, visits on tuesdays and we spend every weekend together, should i finish things between us, if he doesnt love me now will he ever, i am in my 50s and live alone, i dont want to be on my own forever i would like to settle down and live with someone, am i being stupid i just want what every other person wants love and happiness
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I spent 6 years in this kind of 'friendship'. I loved him, but he didn't love me. We used to hang out a lot, have intimacy and speak nearly every day.
He was always so clever at deflecting my love for him, always had the right words to wriggle away from commitment.
Although I played it cool, I could never quite let go and he played it skillfully and always gave just enough attention to keep me guessing.
When he finally met someone else and told me he had a girlfriend, I felt utterly heartbroken but I realised I had done it to myself by not accepting sooner that I was being strung along and played for a fool.
He knew I loved him and he knew that love would provide him with all he needed, never to be bored or lonely or unwanted...but the paradox is that 'bored lonely and unwanted is exactly how he made me feel after he moved on...and he didn't give a crap!
Get away from him, do not be a fool for the love of a fool who doesn't love you!!
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (13 February 2014):
 I am in the same age range as you, so I truly understand what you mean about wanting to find someone and not be alone. I just had a 12 year relationship end and I know how terrible it is to be lonely and not have anyone in your life. With that being said, if I were in your situation, I would walk away from this relationship. I couldn't handle being with someone after they had told me that they didn't love me. It sounds like he likes you and likes your companionship, but if he says he doesn't love you, why hang around? If you were just friends, no problem. But you love him and the love isn't being returned. So basically you are waiting for something that probably isn't going to happen. Life is too short to waste it on someone who can't give back. I know its scary to be alone, but I'd rather be alone than hanging around someone that I know doesn't love me and that things will never go anywhere. Time is being wasted that you could be looking for a man who can and will love you. I'd move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, big rob905 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Some peaple dont. No how to say it and some peaple are afraid to say it But what you just wrote sounds like love to me
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): Sounds like you've finished the book, and he he's still on the first chapter.
You're his lady-friend, and part of his routine. He cherishes your companionship; but it doesn't sound like he's planning on shacking up together.
You would misinterpret that to mean you are his girlfriend. He knows better than to go there.
He doesn't want an infatuated roommate. That can be quite uncomfortable. You would act like his wife. He's not up for that. He won't commit to your as a girlfriend; but takes advantage of your affection for him. He keeps you in your place. I'd like to rattle his cage!
You mentioned your age, not his. Is he older?
He isn't likely to change his ways, and he has already told you he doesn't love you. Why on earth would you "wait" around to find out if he's going to ever love you?
Time is precious, and you really shouldn't be wasting it on some old-fellow who is nothing more than a friend (presumably with no benefits), and doesn't have any romantic feelings toward you. He's treating you like a habit.
I'm in your age-bracket, and I know what it's like growing older and being single.
I have many friends, and I'm actively dating for fun. A relationship would be quite incidental. I'm not even thinking in such terms. I've got a good social-life. I'm going bowling as a fill-in for friend on his gay-bowling league tonight. Lots of nice gentlemen to drink beer with, and laugh a bit. There may be no work tomorrow; due to a winter-storm starting late tonight. So after work, I'm heading home to change; and out before being housebound for a day. Valentine's day is Friday, and everyone may be stuck at home if they can't clear the snow!
You should be making as many male-friends as you can, and keeping yourself busy and available. Not stuck waiting for some old-geezer to change his feelings.
You probably bake him wonderful cakes, and prepare marvelous meals. You sit and have tea, and you fill his afternoons with good conversation; and a very warm and cozy feeling.
Why should he marry you or move you in; when he's getting all that for free? He can can come and go as he pleases.
Without answering to anyone.
I am not going to recommend that you dump him; because this isn't a committed relationship. It is friendship. He has made that abundantly clear.
Your loneliness and feelings for him will not allow you to accept that. If you are doing things to please him; I think you need to bring it down a notch, and put it in the "friend-zone."
There is no reason to "finish" anything; because it isn't that kind of relationship. Unless your are regularly offering him sex. If you are. Stop!
Just don't do the special little things for him that a boyfriend deserves. Let him sleep on the couch when he spends the night, and suggest he take you out for dinner on weekends. Take you dancing or a show. Just hangout.
If you can't detach your romantic feelings. Cut him loose!
Toss him out on his bum!
Find yourself someone who does care for you in a romantic way, and don't offer him anything that he doesn't deserve.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 February 2014):
If this man is actually saying that he doesn't love you, then take him at his word. There is no way that after a year, a man who loved you would say the exact opposite. He comes across as someone who needs a friend, wants a companion, but isn't necessarily interested in anything else.
If he doesn't love you now, I'm sorry to say that I don't think he will ever be what you want him to be, and you should move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2014):
 At your (our) age... after a year... it's probably where he wants it.
If you want more you must tell him. He may say he does not. That's fair. I know that IF my husband and I end up not together, I would NEVER want to live with anyone again much less get married....
I agree with AuntyEm.... cut him back to every other weekend... make it clear to him you are out there seeking a full time companion.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 February 2014):
It sounds like he is just wanting a convienient and loyal friend who he can spend time with a rely on.
Does he date other women? It could be that he just doesn't want the burden of a relationship and if he has told you he cannot return your love, he's being honest and giving you a choice to take it or leave it.
It's really hard to be in unrequieted love, a lot of people would not be able to maintain it because it's just too painful to hold on to hope that will never come.
You can go two ways:
Either end it and go complete no contact, to allow yourself time to get over it (and date other people)
Stay friends with him and maybe stop seeing him every weekend. Build friendships with other people so you have a wider social circle to spend time with.
He needs to realise that as 'your friend' he cannot always rely on you to 'provide' him company every weekend.
I am sorry you are going through this, it happens to a lot of men and women and as time goes on, people seem to want 'friendship only' deals rather than commitment.
Maybe have a frank talk with him, let him know how you are feeling and that you intend to change the dynamics of the friendship in order to take back some of the control.
If he asks why (and he will) just tell him you are looking for commitment and if he's not on the same page he needs to release you in order for you to meet other people!
Good luck and hugs xx
...............................
|
