A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my question is about the sexual tension between my best friend and myself. back when we first met, we crushed on each other , then as we attempted dating, it was rather fail, and we decided we'd just be friends, over time, we've grown closer. Our friendship primarily includes swapping sex jokes, video games, lounging around the house, food, poking fun at each other, and playing with this sorta non spoken rule that we can't touch each other. like..i've never hugged him, but i've hugged his roommate, because we agree that with all the sex related pwning we do, actual physical contact would be too much.He's super fun to be with, but I'm worried this can't last, and I think he's reaching the same conclusion. yesterday he got mad at me saying basically if I keep asking for it, don't get mad when it actually happens, and don't go trying to say it was non consensual ...he then apologized and excused himself and i'm 90% sure he's binge drinking the day away today and avoiding meimportant: I've been friends with him in this sorta overly sexualized manner for a while, before I met my fiance, yes... I have a fiance, who I've already spoken to about most of this, and the two are sorta mutually tolerant of each other... which bothers me already because I used to hope for them to be friends but it never happened. my fiance would never tell me to not be friends with him, and likes to tell me "i trust you, so it's ok." ...I, above all else, don't want that trust to be broken, and honestly if i had to choose, i would pick my fiance, though it'd hurt a hell of a lotso.. any ideas on how I can patch things up with the friend? any actual ideas on things we could do that would help us be friends, even if more distant friends...without the sexual tension? we stopped swapping porn when I started dating my fiance, but everything else has pretty much stayed the same
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Not being able to choose is not saying anything about the commitment IMO.... you can easily be committed to your fiance and honor your promise and vows if you choose to be with him over the friend.
The issue is, you are torn between these two men because together they make up what you need/want in a partner.
The best friend is giving you something you are not getting from your fiance.
I know how it feels to be torn between two.
I'm going to give you a do as I say NOT as I do.....
DO NOT settle. Figure out what's missing with your fiance and if you can bring that to your relationship with him so you do not miss the best friend as much....
IF you can't do that, maybe you need to rethink the engagement. I know what it's like to be your age and in love... I married my first husband at 21... note MY FIRST husband... I was too young.
At your age, DO NOT settle for a man that does not rock your mind body and soul....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Just to add OP, you've done everything you can to resolve this, you're not to blame for what you have to do. He shouldn't have crossed that line and frankly only a shit friend does the kind of things he has done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): I know his meaning OP, I know he was trying to be cute and cheeky but I would still smash his nose for telling my fiancée he's going to fuck her if she keeps being sexy. No "friend" gets to put the moves on my fiancée without a reaction, and a lesson to every other "friend" as to the consequences. My fiancée is the flirty type too OP, I've heard more saucy things said to her by my own friends but I know it's just said in fun.
Fair enough a stranger was rude to her that way, I'd make it known she was spoken for, although she'd get there well ahead of me but a friend trying to make a play that knows very well it's not on, I would crack his head open.
My friends and fiancée expect that from me though.
We were clubbing two weeks ago and a guy decided to try it on, she used her go to 'get rid of this guy' excuse by telling him I wouldn't be happy if I heard him talking to her in the way he was and this drunken fool decides to prove how much he doesn't care by coming right over to my face and tells me he's "going to bag that slag, what are you going to do to stop me?" after ten minutes of us convincing the bouncers it was self defence, his friends just managed to get him back on his feet in enough time to be escorted out.
Your "friend" would get an ass kicking but I'd make sure he knows it's coming so he can avoid me and my fiancée for as long is takes for me to not deck him the next time I meet him. Basically a long time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): thanks SVC, i was hoping you'd reply, because you are nice but unforgiving in general it seems
maybe I'm a bit blinded by my feelings for the guy, you're probably right, if I can't make this choice... what does that say about my commitment to my partner
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
You've made your choice you already said so.
now just do it.
and to be honest if you can't or won't give up the best friend, then you need to break off your engagement till you are ready to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): thanks cerebrus
but just one clarifying point, he wasn't saying he'd rape me, but that he finds my behavior flirty/teasing/tempting and he thinks im asking for it, so basically if he reacts, i can't say i didn't provoke it on purpose
thanks guys. i guess i'll just cut it off completely for a while at least....
sooo bad idea to invite him to the wedding then i'm guessing
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Does your fiancé know about his "I'm going to fuck you and it's going to be consensual because I said it is regardless if you want to or not" rape comment?
I would kick the living shit out of any guy that spoke to my fiancée that way OP, I'm talking breaking a bone or two and I would expect her to start removing him from her life. He doesn't want friendship, he keeps trying to get in your knickers and well if you can't deal with that kind of male attention in a way that they know they can't make moves on you then how can your fiancé trust you?
OP if some girl was actively pursuing your fiancé and turned around to him and said, "I'm going to fuck you in the future and I won't take no for an answer" what would you expect him to do? Well you have to handle this the way you'd want it to be handled if your roles were reversed.
He has no place in your life after that comment and I must say he's incredibly lucky that your fiancé either doesn't know or isn't bothered by that comment because I don't many men who would tolerate that nor tolerate you doing nothing to stop this. He's crossed a line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): thanks aidan and personi'll do that (cut off the friendship completely) if nothing else works...i do care about my friend deeply. we've been through a lot over the years, and he's always been there for me when i needed him, i've always tried to be there for him as well. if there were a way i could at least know he's doing well(he gets suicidal sometimes, depressed, etc) We don't have any mutual friends because... well we're each others only close friends. which is part of the reason we became such good friends, we were both very socially awkward...I grew out of mine, his has developed into a psychological issueanyway i guess I'm saying i don't want to lose him, even if i lose his close friendship, and was wondering what ways of interacting would be appropriatelike.. he wants me to go out with him sometime next week instead of hanging out at his house like we usually do because he says he's annoyed at how i always try to come on to him (something i don't think i do..but w/e, i guess thats how it seems)...would that be too much? I asked my fiance, he responded with the usual: i trust you, have fun
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (16 March 2013):
You say that if you had to choose, you’d pick your fiancé. Unfortunately, you do have to make this choice, so get on with it.
What you are trying to do is find a way to pretend that the sexual chemistry with this best friend doesn’t exist so that you can still have him in your life as well as your relationship. But unfortunately you’ve already tried to bury the tension and evidently it hasn’t worked, it never does. Keeping your distance from each other’s the only way to sort this out-if you value your relationship then this friendship’s a sacrifice you have to make for it. The line’s already been well and truly crossed.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 March 2013):
 You are not friends with this guy, you are basically dating without physical contact. He also sounds kind of rapey. Like what the heck does that mean, if you keep asking for it it's going to happen and you'd better not say he raped you? Wtf?Basically if you are serious about your relationship with your fiancé you have to cut him out of your life. There's just no other option. I don't know how your fiancé is not absolutely furious about the situation, it sounds really over the top in terms of sexual tension and flirting.
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