A
male
age
51-59,
*hickenrun
writes:Please I am looking for some advice and opinions, I know I will get judged but I can do that myself and have been will pay for this for the rest of my life I know. I've been married for 13years we met in university and we were good friends, played sport together and got drunk together, but as the years got on it became more of a brother/sister mate relationship my wife is a good mum but there is no passion, and she does kind of treat me like one of the kids (we have a boy and two girls 7,9 and 11)and I love them to bits and seriously I am a good dad, my wife and I basically grew apart and we have no intimacy .. I met a woman whom I work with over five years ago and the minute I met her I knew there was something and indeed it was mutual, she was going through a rough divorce. Anyway we fell very deeply in love and I had never felt like that before and I never will again, emotionally, spiritually, physically it all was incredible, I did put her on a pedestal and adored her constantly told her how much I loved her, everybody we work with knows about our affair, but it's accepted and work has indeed benefited from our strong relationship, I have told my woes to mutual colleagues and have even cried in front of them! and have tried to leave to be with this lady, but I simply cannot leave my children and know I never will. But I adore this woman and love her still, but she has turned really angry she has tried to end our five year affair many times but I have been stupid and said I cant live without her blah blah and she always comes back, but this time is different and it is stressing me out as I know that she meant it and am trying to focus on my family, I will never be truly be happy with my wife but its ok and am hoping it can improve I am trying? I just have to get on with it, I have never been unkind to my wife.. but the other woman who I still love is making me stressed out, as she says she can no longer work with me, and I should do the decent thing and get another job, and I am worried if she pushes this I am worried my wife will ask questions, and our employers would ask me to leave if she pushes it, I am so stressed by this and I miss her so much and still love her she will always be the love of my life, I know I am a wimp but I will never leave my kids, and I'm scared she is going to lose it, as we work together not in same office, but she says she cant bear to see me anymore, see my messages, receive work phone calls etc, she is fed up of the reminders and it is stressing her out and she has been ill.. for the record she is not a younger woman, she is older than my wife but she is beautiful and I am still hugely attracted to her, but I'm trying to stay strong, and have told her we were such good friends and good working together and this part can surely continue?
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male
reader, chickenrun +, writes (16 January 2011):
chickenrun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi an update, thanks for the last reply and again not judging me. I am hanging in there, as I said my wife has asked no more questions and is just being a little frosty, which I may add is a little bizarre and unnerving, but I stuck with it and denied the affair and all the questions, I think she wants to believe me, but it's like she cant face it so is ignoring it, which is good I guess, I am just focusing on home and the family, I'm still not attracted to her, but dont want to hurt her or be thrown out, I guess I just have to live the guilt and carry on with the rest of my life carrying the lies, it is hard but I have no choice. I am still hurting and missing the other woman very much on an emotional and physical level, and am dreading the time with all my heart, when she has a new relationship and she will, she has many men who are attracted to her, but she always turns a blind eye and takes no notice and says she's not interested as she loves and will only be loyal to me, and because I love and care for her I dont want her to be on her own, I've wasted five years of her life by being pathetic and selfish adn I have been terribly posessive of her and she reminded me of this, and says she so wishes that I had been honest and had just outwardly said there was no way I could leave etc rather than cry and tell her I couldnt live without her, when she tried ended it many times over the years, I was immature and yes I got her in too deep .. and myself, now I'm just focusing on my family, I am pathetic and hate myself for what I've done to them all, but I am very good at pretending and over the weekend my wife threw a party for my 40th and yes was able to party and be the life and soul and did enjoy talking to everyone and everyone thinking we have the 'perfect' marriage and family life and mazing kitchen etc so all good and this makes my wife happy, so as long as she's happy the children are happy and i've done my job :-)
I'm a bit worried though that the other woman has indicated again that no contact is the only way, because yes I do need her as my friend and tell her we need each other going through this, she is the only person in the world who truly knows me warts and all, and I get much comfort from this and I want to know she's ok, but she says this is not fair, she needs no contact and she doesnt want to hear about my 'perfect' family life from colleagues who see comments on facebook etc, she says I should grow up and face things. I do need her for work so I have to maintain a good working relationship with her, she says after five years and hundreds of poems, me telling her I would rather die than be without her etc is making her feel sick, when I have to call her on a Monday morning after a weekend and talk professionally like nothing ever happened, she said it is not real and very unfair, and that still after all these years I am still wanting my cake and eating it! now it's that I'm grateful my wife has chosen to bury her head in the sand for the sake of the family so im lucky and now I have to keep my job so therefore I have to keep my job and keep her weet with it, and it's driving her mad, she is asking me for once to be a man and do the right thing, I am her superior but she is highly regarded and excellent at her job and was there for four years before I joined the company, she says she has looked but everyone (colleagues and friends who know) say it is not fair or right for her to go it should be me! because she is also on her own and she is also 9 years older and they all say I am younger at 40 and at a higher level where I would practically and at this time of my life move on anyway, where as this is the job she needs to stay for the rest of her working life and she hasnt go t a good pension, I am just worreid that she will push it as she is really upset now and she says working with me is not practical, and we have a company trip planned to Iceland in a few months and we both went on a trip to Iceland 2 years ago with work and we had an amazing time and to me it was the trip of a lifetime because it was 'our' little holiday and were so in love, she says she cant bear the thought of it!!! is it the right thing for me to leave, im worried that this may trigger my wife into thinking that the affair indeed was someone in work and she would start asking questions.. please just want to maintain the status quo!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): First of all let me start by saying that I respect you for reaching out and asking for advice. I can't judge your wife, but I will say that I am hearing way too much that women aren't meeting their husband's physical needs. It just leads to trouble. I'm not blaming her for your affair, but I think that she made you feel more tempted and vulnerable than you would have felt otherwise. Men crave respect from their wives and she sounds like by treating you like one of the kids, she isn't giving you the respect that you are craving. It seems like women are making men feel more tempted by not showing them adoration and respect and by not meeting their physical needs. Marriage is a ton of give and take and takes a lot of work to keep it healthy. If one person isn't pulling their weight, then problems arise. I think you should work on your marriage first and find out how/why she isn't meeting your needs. I would then try to work on yourself and tell her that you expect the same commitment to change. Otherwise, I'd just divorce and move on with your life alone or with a woman who is willing to constantly improve and change when and as needed for you and your relationship. Good luck. I think you are a great guy with a ton of potential. I think the guilt of the affair has made you feel weak and cowardly when you would otherwise be strong and have good character. Focus on yourself and your wife now and forgive yourself for the affair. Otherwise, you will live a life of torment. If you are honest with your wife, chances are that she will want to divorce, but will forgive you and be happy to know the truth. She will also appreciate your honesty. I've haard that the most painful part of an affair for the other party is the deception and lies involved...surprisingly not the act of intimacy with another person....You will also be happier and will have that giant burden lifted off of you-Forever
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reader, chickenrun +, writes (12 January 2011):
chickenrun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers and think I owe you an update, as I'm hoping it will help others, it's too late for me! Well my other lady still wanted no contact when we returned after the xmas break, she said it is unfair was not angry but said she had started to move on in the holidays and that it was really hard, and was dreading coming back to work to 'face' me. I said we still could be friends and that we simply have to work together. When she arrived at the hotel I turned to jelly inside and was so emotional gave her a hug, and was so glad to see her, but nothing happened. The next day at the meeting we did our meeting I was so proud of her agian she is a professional I managed but struggled emotionally,wanted to be close to her all the time, but did restrain myself! in the evening we all went to dinner, I had a few drinks was sat by her and I seriously could not cope I nearly broke down, shed some tears and told her how hard it was seeing her and that I would always love her, she said to stop it and this is why she wanted no contact it was a perpetual circle killing her! anyway it was my birthday that night, we all stayed up I couldnt resist cuddling her and kissed her forehead a few times! I did go back to her room, I didnt force myself but I realise now that she is also vunerable, we had a great two days and was back to normal!!!she does love me and I really love her and I told her I didnt want to hurt her or me, but I will always love her it is 5 years after all. Anyway her friends were mad when she got home, and said they were sick of picking up the pieces, they asked her when she got home as they all knew she would be seeing me, and she couldnt lie. Anyway I text her sunday morning and it was all fine I was missing her, but a few hours later I had panicky texts from her asking where I was and please get in touch, I text back and said I would call when I could and was worried she sounded desperate, anyway the upshot was that two of her friends had sent my wife a private message on facebook saying her husband has been having a huge affair and has for years and basically to sort him out so they could pick up the pieces (meaning my lady I guess) she was mortifified and has broke the friendhip off, she wanted me to delete the message, she didnt want it to be like that, anyway I did delete the message off facebook.We met up for work on monday I had planned a three day trip with her and was so excited, and was so glad to have her back emotionally and everything, and we had a wonderful time as usual, done plenty of work and the evening was amazing. In the morning I had a missed call from my wife at midnight, she NEVER calls me, and I was worried, and yes I called at 8 in the morning she had seen the message on the email, as we didnt realise you also get it through this! she was mortified I drove home after meeting and yes felt sick the thought of losing my children and yes my intention is not to be cruel to my wife and not cruel to my lady but I have been cruel to everyone I know, I hate myself and am sick of looking at me I need to grow up, I am so guilty for the damage I have caused, and guilty for my other woman who has adored me and spent the last five years of her life on me, I'm not worth it. I can still honestly say I dont regret my other woman, to the day I die she will be the love of my life and these past five years been my happiest, so to regret it would also be lying, but I regret the hurt and damage of course, and how it's ended. I got home and my wife questioned me all night, I cannot admit to it as she will throw me out and stop me seeing the kids and all my family will be disappointed and lose respect for me and my reputation ruined. My other woman is devastated with this outcome and blames herself, and doesnt want hurt for anyone or damage and she is now guilty and alone, I just have to maintain it was a hoax and simply a vicous message with no substance as thankfully she is not named, if my wife ever saw her I would also be killed for this, I am not being nasty but my wife would hate her just for the way she looks, she isnt younger but as I said she is very glamorous, my wife does think there is substance to it, but says because of my job I am good with words and so good at lying (I am in selling) and to a point this is true, she hasn't finished with me and is threatening that we sit down and tell the children whats happened and that their father is a liar and a cheat and not to be trusted!I am bothered how far she questions as I am aware that I am lying now to a point that is hard to live with, I just want the questions to stop, I hope this will just go away soon, I have never been so scared, she has said I can no longer ever go away for work, I will have to be squeaky clean now, I really have to let the other lady go and have told her we just have to be good work colleagues and friends. I have to focus on home, work to be the provider look after the children and be a good husband, as also one of the other things my wife panicked about was that all her friends and family could see the message on facebook and the image she has built and sometimes indeed boasts of the 'perfect' family, big house, fancy holidays, big car husband with a good job etc was blown out for everyone to see, but thankfully this is not the case. So a lesson I know have to continue the rest of my life carrying the guilt of the damage I've done to both women and now potentially my children, I am panicking that at some point they will know, I am hoping she wont feel the need to tell them. I will have to have a marriage based on friendship, the proper intimacy between a man and woman I dont feel will be ever possible, just maybe a happy family doing family stuff, as I say my own fault, thanks again, and I hope people learn from these forums.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): the other anon male poster who said :"If it weren't for my kids, I would be gone. I mean, I even was trying to slowly alienate my wife so she would get tired of me and leave me (much easier on the kids in my opinion than parents divorcing because daddy has a girlfriend),"Wow. You are basically saying you want to get out of your marriage (so DO IT) but are too afraid to take responsibility for ending it so instead you're manipulating your wife playing head games with her hoping she'll do the dirty work for you. Priceless.If only the wives could come on here and see what really goes on in their husbands' lives and minds! I think if that could happen, you would have your decision made for you and you won't have to lift a finger. Look, guys. Obviously you all want to get out of your marriages. No, healthy marriages can't last without intimacy. that part is true. So do it already. Suck it up and do it and take the heat, and let every one reorganize their lives and think of you what they will. Instead of trying to worm your way out of things, manipulate people, and hurting more people in more ways and for more time in the process.as for using your kids as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility. that's backward. You're teaching them it's better to be a coward and manipulator than to be honest and own up to your sins and take the heat. They will probably find out about your infidelity at some point. when they are old enough to understand, they will lose respect for you for trying to worm your way out rather than own up to your mistakes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I don't think there's anything you can do except face the consequences and stop trying to run away from them.
Look, your mistress tried to end the affair many times and you were the one who kept begging her not to leave you. And yet, you did not leave your wife for her either. Don't you think you have been very cruel to your mistress?
You're being very unfair to your mistress so she has every right to get angry at you and to demand you leave the job!! There's only so much a person can take. She tried to end the affair, but you wouldn't let her.
Out of the two of you, she's the more decent one.
Please stop trying to protect your best interests at others' expense. You claim you love this woman? then show it by putting her welfare above your own. Stop hurting her because you're looking out for number one. That's not manly.
(And please don't use your kids as excuses to hold onto your job and keep your wife in the dark. That's shameful.)
Quit your job now, if you have any shred of respect for this other woman you claim you love, so she doesn't have to suffer because of you anymore.
If you're going to engage in destructive behaviors, you can't really complain when the roof falls down on you. Grow a spine and just quit the job.
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reader, chickenrun +, writes (2 January 2011):
chickenrun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your reply, but I have to disagree with you to a point 'love is a choice' well if love were a choice, life would be very very simple.. I agree that you can make a choice to make an effort and do things for people to make them happy etc but it is proven and true that love indeed is influenced by physical attraction, chemistry and you are drawn to each other emotionally.. and the best love built on friendship, so to the lady I would say 'it was fate that I met you, my choice to be a friend but I had no control over my love for you..
I am friends with my wife we get along as a team bringing up children and doing the family things together, but I repeat she is not interested in e emotionally or physically and nor me her.. I've dug deep and tried to compliment her etc but she is just not bothered, takes the compliment but no affection etc
'More women to fill the gaping hole?' no way I've never cheated before, strangley never had myself down as a cheater, truly only want the other lady, so I'm done honestly, I really cannot just have sex truly to wake up with someone after you dont care for what the heck!!?? so please do not assume this..
As I said I was friends with this woman for a time before we had anything physically and was drawn to her, and the more time I spent with her and knew about her the more I fell in love with her.. so the problem here is that it wasn't built on lust alone, that was part of it, but be honest all relationships have to have an element of this to be truly successful.
Yes I have to deal with it, but unfortunately telling my wife is not an option i'm afraid, she will I have no doubt use the kids against me, she has hinted and made remarks about other divorced couples, and basically said 'hypothetically' of course, she would says never would she make it easy for the cheating husband, he should pay for his mistakes.. so I'm afraid no way can I go there..
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): To love... is a choice, not a feeling.
The fact is, that while you may love her... you are not free to. No matter how you slice it, you are not available for a relationship... So now you are simply sleeping around? More women to fill this huge gaping hole inside of you?
It is not healthy to require SO MUCH in order to feel okay. You shouldn't require endless numbers of women just to self medicate yourself out of whatever funk it is you are in. Because, the truth is... that other people are merely.. and can be really nothing more... than diversions from yourself.
We don't need as much... we desire. Perhaps you should contemplate coming clean to your wife instead of assuming she knows what you are up to and let her decide. Give her some respect, please.
Enough is enough. Do not decide what is right for your wife... let her make that choice.
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reader, chickenrun +, writes (1 January 2011):
chickenrun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGod our stories are so similar, thanks so much for sharing your story, and yes the pain is not good, but I will focus on the kids and my job, work is an excellent way to pass time, and I do enjoy my job..Another thing I thought of is whilst looking at this site before I posted my question, how many peoples standard answers to 'other women' who are asking for advice, is always he's a liar and he has a wonderful home life is playing you, and has sex with them and goes to his wife for the same, and we are all cake eaters! well it's just not true maybe some are, but there are a whole bunch of unhappily married men who do fall in love with other women, and sounds amazing but I think I would be being unfaithful to my other woman! not all affairs are black and white.. and the stats do not add up anyway, if 'all' adulterous men have sex with their wives, where does it account for all the loveless and sexless marriages, and all wives are caring, loving and thoughtful, hardworking women? my brother in law (my wifes brother) is also in a similar situation and my wife hates her sister in law and knows he has other women, but it's her brother so ok! but he has not found any true love and I guess not looking because you dont it just finds you, he is simply escaping and has an outlet from a terrible relationship.Thanks again for sharing and advice, again im not looking sympathy or endorsement, but the fact that someone can at least empathise is good thank you. Roll on the next 30 years by then the pain may have diminished some, yep got the lonely old man thing, to be honest I feel lonely at home with everyone around!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): When I said I don't judge you because I've been there, I'm very serious, I have been exactly where you are. See, I've been married for 21 years and the situation at home is exactly as you describe. I fell in love with another woman and she and I were both married (although she had already decided on a divorce before we met and she ultimately did divorce). She was everything I ever wanted in a woman: She stimulated me emotionally, mentally and physically. It's hard to describe how "into" her I was. I could literally become intoxicated just by being with her. When we did things together it was the perfect chemistry, everything was perfect. We laughed all the time, we enjoyed the same things, we would fall asleep nose-to-nose just breathing each other's breath. It was absolutely true love.
In my case, it was her friends that ultimately ruined things too. Her friends told her she was better than seeing a married man, that I was just using her for sex and then going home to sleep with someone else for more sex, that my "stories" about being miserable were lies because that's what all men say when they're wanting sex on the side, that she was a homewrecker, that my kids didn't deserve that, that my wife didn't deserve that, etc., etc. Ultimately, she broke off our relationship because of my "situation" and did it by completely ignoring me for about a week (no text, no calls, no response to my texts, etc.) because that's what her friends told her was the "best way." She then finally contacted me and told me it wasn't going to work out and so forth, and only did that by text.
My problem, like yours, is that none of what her friends were telling her was true. I was, and still am, totally in love with her. If it weren't for my kids, I would be gone. I mean, I even was trying to slowly alienate my wife so she would get tired of me and leave me (much easier on the kids in my opinion than parents divorcing because daddy has a girlfriend), but I never told my lover that because I didn't want her to start believing she was the homewrecker. She wasn't, my wife and I were wrecking our own home and had been for years.
Anyway, I never let on how devastated I was. I mean, when we finally talked I told her I was crushed but that because I loved her so much I was determined to do whatever it took to make her happy (which was true), including letting her go if that's what it took. I didn't cry, but I know she could see the hurt in my eyes because she cried. I quit all attempts at contacting her and only responded to her texts, emails, etc., with "generic" responses (I used to be flirty, complimentary, etc.). For example, she texted me last night to say Happy New Year and said she hoped I was having fun and so forth. Before, I would have said I missed her and would be having more fun if she were with me but I could picture her eyes and I was getting by just knowing I would stare into them again soon, or something like that. Instead, I just said, "Happy New Year to you too!" and left it at that.
Now, we've been "broken up" for several months and I have found that she can't let go. Even though her friends have convinced her to leave me behind, she can't. I'm positive she regrets breaking up and sees the way I've handled things as mature and the things she fell in love with about me are still here. However, I hurt so badly when she broke it off that I can't get close to her again. She wants to get away for a night or two "just to talk" which I know would end up with us making love and I would be emotional all over again, so I'm resisting and just telling her that I do believe she is better off without me and I don't want to hold her back from enjoying her life. Oddly enough, I've been telling her to listen to her friends.
Anyway, as to the wife, I've decided I'm going to enjoy my life as best as I can and she can either keep the big house, the money coming in, the big diamond ring, the cars, the "social status", and let me live my life, or she can leave me. It seems we have "settled" into that former arrangement. I do what I want, including weekends away now and then with someone I'm seeing or whatever. Mostly, we're just roommates and share the bills and the kids. It's like being divorced but living together. She doesn't really know I see other women, but she's very smart so I think she does know (if that makes sense), she just chooses to pretend like she doesn't know.
As to the other women I see from time to time, it's just about "getting away" for a bit. I've never felt about any of them like I did for the "one" and never will. I feel like I've totally missed out on love and will never have it. I had it for a while, and the memories will get me through until I die a lonely, old man.
Good luck, I know your pain.
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reader, chickenrun +, writes (1 January 2011):
chickenrun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies it is helpful to read them, and yes I know I am to be strong and I am, I confess to shedding the odd tear on my own on the odd occassion, and christams and new year with my family have been busy, as we also went to stay with my family which is large so not much time to yourself :-) I love being with the kids and we have great times, and myself and my wife are 'friends', she doesnt need or want me emotionally or physically and neither do I her, I am simply not attracted to her, I wont be unkind to her, but we can be a family, but it is certainly a brother and sister relationship, I am still very much in love with the other lady, I just have to man it up.
I have to add that the reason the other lady is mad is she thinks I am having a 'normal' relationship with my wife..as a 'friend' of hers who knows of us, and says we are a normal family.. well yes to the outside world we would be!! and my wife thinks its 'normal', she wants my money and my help and to be there as a husband, but there is no physical contact!? my wife has never asked about sex and does she wonder what the hell I do as a red blooded bloke!!?? so forget the other lady for a minute, can a marriage survive the long haul with no intimacy and emotion and just be functional, my wife is happy as long as she has th3e big house, holidays, cars (she spends too much money and I cant stop her) and has no interest in the same things as me, she is happy I am not and I do need intimacy and if im honest sex but I want 'loving sex with someone I'm attracted to!', and after being loved and respected by this wonderful woman its hard, as I now know that you can indeed have it, and please dont say it was because it was an affair after all it was five years and the making love got better, and I apologise for this but if I'm totally being honest I crave her body, taste and smell... I have never felt like that toward my wife and have never made love like it even in the beginning, these two women are opposites, the other woman is very loving, caring and giving and sees beauty in a sunset and the simple things, she has showed me much, we like the same books and she loves watching sport, she is intelligent and very bright and people love her and she herself is a very good mum. My wife if I'm honest is much more shallow and extremely materialistic, and is more concerned on putting on a good show and telling everyone what we have and where we are going on holidays, and where our next big house will be. The only thing I agree on with my wife is the welfare of the children. My wife is very possesive and would go mad and go on about the loyalty thing and make my life miserable if she found out, it would have nothing to do with love, she doesn;t love me, in fact deep down my wife resents me, I make a mess at home! sorry sounds pathetic but I find writing this down helpful, but I am honestly being strong, and will just have to endure my life and get on with it for the childrens sakes. I also feel guilty about the hurt and anxiety I've caused this special lady and have said sorry, and we've had no contact now for nearly two weeks but there is a big meeting next week! and followed by a ball on the Friday evening which also happens to be my 40th birthday!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Really, really tough situation. I don't judge you because I've been there and know how hard the situation is. Even without the workplace woes, you're miserable because you miss everything you had with her.
There's no easy answer. Time will smooth some of the sharp edges off your feelings, but I understand the way you feel and believe you will always have heartache for her. Not the kind you have now, but it will always be there.
As for work, one of you needs to go, there's just no other way around it. You should talk to her and let her know that you accept her decision and tell her, that because you love her, you will let her go and you will do what she needs you to do - find another job. But tell her you can't just quit cold, you'll have to line up a new job first and that you're working on it. Then, start looking for another job and when you find something better, take it. Who knows, she may even stop pushing you to get a new job after her feelings smooth out a bit too and in the meantime if she thinks you're looking for another job, that may keep her off your back about leaving.
What you absolutely have to do is not be a whimp. No calling or emailing her to tell her how much you love and miss her or how much you're hurting. Don't let her see it. Be strong and act like nothing ever happened between you. If she's like most people, that will eventually start to bug her and she'll come to you, if only out of curiosity to know how you "got over her" so quickly. When that happens, don't get all mushy and teary-eyed, just tell her that you miss her terribly, always will love her, and that's why you've let her go. Tell her you've been through Hell, but you realize it's for the best and then keep staying strong. She will either change her mind about being apart and realize she misses you, or she will still move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): "I did put her on a pedestal and adored her constantly told her how much I loved her"
Imagine if you did that for your wife.
Yes, usually people need to cease all contact, and change jobs, if you are in any way her supervisor then you need to leave, if she is your supervisor then she is the one that needs to leave.
By the way, you aren't being fully open here as an anonymous poster, you've been having this affair for over half the life of your oldest child, and nearly half the time you've been married, and since your three children were very young and your wife and you were stressed out with three small children. Get a counselor and work on the marriage, find out what your wife is really like, because you frankly don't have a clue.
Do the right thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): From what you've written I get the impression that she is using a 'squeeze' tactic on you. She's setting it up in such a way so as to make it seem that you will lose everything if you don't choose her. Yes, she's squeezing you. And... you are feeling it.
She wants you to see that not being with her... you have more to lose than if you were to leave your wife.
That's anger and control, not love. She's probably pissed that you 'used' her for 5 years.
Now, if you won't leave your children (which is good) then zip up your pants and forget this woman. You are not a child and you are the captain of your own ship... so steer it. Don't let yourself drift. Make a decision, choose and commit. Make your life stand for something other than chasing desire. We can be more than our desire, you know. Realize that and build on the good things that still remain with your wife. And, by the way, I'd be ready for the *hit to hit the fan. Don't be surprised when your wife learns about this... because she will. Trust me... she will.
So, I 'd be figuring out what you plan on doing when that happens and whether it may be better for you to confess this whole thing to your wife. At least you would be showing her some respect... as the mother of your children and wife... she deserves that.
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