A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For a long time I've been having a lot of problems with my virginity...I can't stand it. It makes me angry, and I can't stand it...but I met this girl. She's changed my life...made me see that the world isn't as dark and depressing as I thought...I enjoy life with her...I love being a virgin when I'm with her...but I'm across I might be losing her...and I don't know how to deal with it...I've started getting angry again...getting scared as well, because I read somewhere losing it in your 20s can lead to erectile dysfunction later in life...and I've read that 65.7% of guys my age have lost it...and I can't stand it...I want to fit in, but I can't...what can I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2012):
 “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”
EXACTLY. That means that once you get to the other side (i.e. lose your virginity) you will meet a wonderful girl who you will wish you were a virgin for.
Chigirl is very correct in suggesting Therapy. I concur.
“they're saying you aren't good enough.”
Who is THEY and why are you discussing your virginity with them? Truth is, it’s a very private thing and you should not be talking about it except with your significant other when the time is right. Other than that, who knows or cares? No one really.
“You can't have morals, and go party, get drunk, and hook up with some girl” And could you explain to me why someone would want to be amoral, go to a party, get drunk and have meaningless sex with some slutty girl who may or may not a,. get pregnant or b,. give you some disease? I can’t fathom how this is a good thing.
“I know I would definitely prefer to be a man whore than a virgin, just cuz that would mean that girls DO like me”
No I’m sorry being a man whore does not mean that girls like you. IT means that there are women out there that will sleep with you. Quality is the key… if you want quantity, that’s fine but most adults prefer quality over quantity.
AND then OP here is the KEY problem:
“I have no self esteem”
READ THAT AGAIN! “I have no self esteem” Do you see where your lack of self-esteem is your biggest problem? You should. Again THERAPY is key to working on these things…
“I've been depressed for years because of the ridicule and self torment”
Again SELF-TORMENT… you are 18… how many years have you been ridiculed and tormented for your virginity? YEARS? Even if It’s 2 years that means you were 16 when this torment and ridicule started…. Seriously? I was 16 during the heyday of the sexual revolution.. BEFORE AIDS and HIV… back when an STD was easily cured with anti-biotics and FREE LOVE was the big deal…. Guess what… NO one talked about who was or was not a virgin and no one cared… I can’t imagine that human nature has changed all that much in 35 years….
Your POV is skewed.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Your question is ridiculous when you look at it from outside your own point of view. You've blown things out of proportion, and your insecurity issues, depression and social anxiety is something you need to start dealing with, and stop just complaining about. You're making this into a much much bigger issue than it is simply because you're not dealing with it the right way. Your approach, and mental starting point on this, is making it a huge problem. The virginity itself IS NOT your problem.
Look, you're 18. 18 is the age of consent in USA. So that means, you've had from the months you turned 18 and until now to have sex. And yet here you are saying "why haven't I lost it YET"? "Yet" here would in other words mean: the few months that have passed since your 18th birthday.
When I was your age I didn't have boys exactly running my door down. But I wasn't getting all depressed over it, because I know these things change and fluctuate. And you having social anxiety is DEFINITELY a reason for why you aren't connecting well with others. Your virginity isn't standing in your way.
You should appreciate that one girl who you do know, but instead you are complaining about "other girls" that you want to surround you. You just want what you don't have, and those are selfish desires as well. You just want women to flock around you for absolutely no reason. What have you done that means you should be so popular with the women? What would it give you? What exactly in your world will change if you have sex?
Your giving sex more meaning in your life than it actually has. Get yourself in therapy. I hope you listen to this because your last post completely ignored it: GO TO THERAPY.
P.S. "Admirals club" is a completely meaningless comparison. People who sleep around stand in the sweaty line with strangers just like those who don't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe total obsession with virginity now days is simply this: If your a guy above a certain age range, and your a virgin, it's because no girl wants you like that. Basically, they're saying you aren't good enough. That's my issue. I don't know what the issue is with girls. Any guy who doesn't like a virgin girl is in need of some serious help. Double standards, I know, but that's what the media portrays, and that's what we listen to.As far as fitting in...I don't wear a giant V, but you might as well now days. When people find out your a virgin they talk crap, girls want nothing to do with you, especially at my age. I don't know why, but I can only guess it's because they're stuck up, stupid, or just aren't worth the breath it takes to ask them out.Also now days, there's not one person out there with morals. I have morals, I just don't listen to them because morals are a great way to ruin your life. You can't have morals, and go party, get drunk, and hook up with some girl. Honestly, I have a lot of issues from childhood that also factor into this, as well as social anxiety. It's hard for me to meet people, especially chicks. Which makes me feel even more worthless for still being a virgin. It's a weakness.People have told me it's a good thing, and I want to believe them...but honestly, if it were a good thing, more people would be virgins. Mre people would be interested in virgins. Since they aren't, it can't be a good thing. I know I would definitely prefer to be a man whore than a virgin, just cuz that would mean that girls DO like me. That would mean that i AM capable of getting a girl to sleep with me.I have no self esteem. Being a virgin at 18, with only one girl in the world who likes me, really doesn't boost that any. Definitely doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Actually makes me kind of extremely depressed. Being a virgin has factored into every aspect of my life in some way or another. I've been depressed for years because of the ridicule and self torment. But I can't just say "it's a good thing". That would be a lie.And here's what it's like...imagine the admirals club at an airport...everyone wants to get in because ...hey, it's better in there than it is out in the public areas. It's nicer, it has more perks...that's what it's like. Why would I turn down an admirals club membership to go stand with a bunch of sweaty angry strangers, stand in line for food and drink, and sit on some hard plastic chair for a couple hours? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): I didn't lose my virginity until I was 27 and I didn't really care because only I knew. I could have lost it before then but I waited until I met the right person.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
What do you want to fit into? Do you walk around with a giant V on your forehead that labels you a virgin? What is this total obsession of folks with virginity?
Seems to me those that have lost it want it back and those that have not lost it want to get rid of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Where on earth are you getting your facts from?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Why does this post sound so familiar? Have you posted this before on this site?
...............................
A
male
reader, downonmyluck +, writes (26 June 2012):
I agree for the most part of what you've already been told here by "Chigirl" AND Bo-B0! But from a guys side of the story, yes, being a virgin can play a role in having depression! Believe me I know!!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 June 2012):
"I read somewhere losing it in your 20s can lead to erectile dysfunction later in life..."
That's not true at all. I don't know where you read something like that, but someone was just trying to scare you. There's no such thing. Don't believe everything you read.
If you are suffering from depression and feeling unable to control your anger, then you need to take that depression seriously. Seek out professional help for your mental health, before it costs you your friendship with this girl you've come to like.
You also need to realize that it is not your virginity that is the cause of any depression. Being depressed is about the chemical balance in your brain. Not being able to handle a situation within the range of what is deemed "normal" has nothing to do with you being a virgin, but everything to do with your mental health and capability to handle and comprehend what is happening in your life. It can either be a physical thing, like a chemical imbalance. But an inability to handle life can also come down to your upbringing and genetics combined: what you have been trained to handle, in what ways, and in what ways you're capable of handling things.
Being angry to the degree that you express is not within the normal range of reaction to the state of being a virgin. This reaction pattern will without doubt repeat itself down the road, even if you are no longer a virgin, as there will be other things in life you will find equally difficult to handle.
If you do not know how to find peace with what you have in life, then you should take yourself seriously and seek out help from a professional. A professional can teach you, and help you, with coping with things, and correct responses to situations in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): It sounds like you have a lot of confusing emotions going on.Maybe it would be helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. I've never heard that losing your virginity in your 20s can lead to later erectile dysfunction. Why would it? It's just a myth. I know a few guys who didn't lose their virginity until they were in their 20s. There's nothing wrong with it. To be honest a lot of people (male and female) lie about when they lost their virginity because they want to fit in with everyone else. I didn't lose mine until I was 21 and I'm fine with that. There just wasn't anyone I wanted to lose it to before then. This girl sounds lovely but please don't sleep with her just in order to lose your virginity. I didn't understand whether she was your girlfriend or not but my advice is the same whether she is or not. If you're always angry it might push her away. Even if you hide it, people give off vibes. I suggest you speak to a counsellor or someone you trust about the feelings you've been having. Good luck!
...............................
|
