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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, As some of you may remember, about a month or two ago, I posted about a friend of mine (Tim*) that had been doing drugs. Well, after getting released from the hospital, he went to live with his mother in a different town and is now attending a different school. He was online from time to time on the weekends at first, and I talked to him then. However, we haven't talked in about a month. Every time I text him, he doesn't reply, and every time I call his cell phone, he doesn't answer, or I get an out-of-service message. I still think about him a lot and want to talk to him...you know, just to see how he's doing and everything. I've thought about calling his grandmother (whom he lived with before he moved) and asking her what his number is, but I'm not really sure what to say to him if I do end up calling him. I want him to know that I'm still here for him (unlike most of his other friends) and that I always will be, and I want to tell him how much talent and potential he has (something that he apparently doesn't hear very often...you can just tell by looking into his eyes)and basically just let him know that I still love him and care about him (not romantically the way that I used to, but as a friend). However, I'm sort of nervous about telling him all of that. I get really nervous whenever I'm talking to him because (I admit it, one of the reasons is because he's so darn hot) he's almost two years older than me...which, to me, is kind of intimidating because I tend to be shy around older guys.What should I say to him?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 Well, the message that he seems to be sending from ignoring your texts and so forth is "Not now".
Sometimes people need their space, and it sounds like Tim is there right now. He doesn't want any of his old crowd to contact him; if he did, he'd know where to find you, wouldn't he? I mean, you haven't changed your number, so if he's not in contact, it because he chooses not to be.
It's only been a month so if he wants to text you, you'll hear from him. But any further contact on your part is going to start to grate on him and drive him away. I suspect that his radio silence is his way of hoping you'll "get the message" and stop trying to contact him for a while.
DON'T phone him up, even if your motives are as pure as you describe them. He's obviously not up to that right now. However, there's a more discreet way to get in contact if you feel you must, and that's to write him a postal letter.
Keep it brief and not too emotional, since he seems to be trying to barricade himself away from his old friends. Something along the lines of "Dear Tim, Hope that we haven't lost touch for good. You know that I'd love to chat again any time you feel like it. Here are my numbers again if you ever want to text or talk" etc etc.
Try to leave out that you love him as a friend and all his "potential" and so forth at this stage. That's too much information when he just wants to be left alone.
The ball's now in Tim's court, so to speak. You've let him know you're around. Give him some time to decide what to do with that invitation. And if his decision is to keep you at a distance, you have to be ready to accept that.
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