A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my BF for almost 4 years. It was a bit of a whirl wind to star with.he was my first BF my first everything. We fell in love very quickly and I moved into his parents Home, that was another other side of the country after only 8 weeks of knowing him. 10 months later I fell pregnant with our 1st child. We was both working but decided to move to my home city togethe as it was alot cheaper to live. Now 2 years later, l'm 7 months pregnant (planned pregnancy) He has a very good job, our own home tho it still needs work. But all in all we are happy. But we are still just Girlfriend and boyfriend. It may sound silly but I would love to get engaged. He says about our financial situation (which is not the greatest) and that he cannot afford it. When I say I don't care about a ring (which I really don't) he says he will some one day soon. He's been saying this for over 18 month's. Plus we have both said we don't mind a long engagement. The thing that binds us together is out children but I want a commitment between JUST us. I don't want to nag him over something like thing as I know it is not right to do, you can't presser someone into that kind of commitment. But at the same time I really want something more between us. Marriage may not seem important to some people in our days but it is to me. Should I mention it to him or drop hint or just leave it alone and let him do it in his time. And please don't say to ask him myself because he the only man I am (hopefully) going to marry. I want to to be asked to have he tell me how much he loves and wants to be with me. Thank you for any advise.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 It's been my experience and observation that some men are the marrying kind and some are not. Similarly some women are the marrying kind and some are not.I will not apologise for the fact that I am the marrying kind too. That is who I am. Because I knew what I wanted, I really never had much time for guys who just wanted to play girls along with vague promises. I did not even start a relationship if I sensed that a guy commitment phobic.I agree I got exactly what I wanted. And I admit that before I met him I made a list of the personal qualities and the character traits of the man I thought would make me happy. Yes it was a shopping list of qualities I felt I needed in my partner.It was not about looks, not about earnings, not about physical things. It was about character. Because I can tell you now that I knew I also wanted children. And I wanted my children to be brought up with two reliable parents, two parents whose word they honoured. Two parents who would always be there.But even the best laid plans can go astray. Because then I was widowed. My first husband I admit I utterly adored and had him on a pedestal. He had an illness that affects between one and three per cent of people in any community. He felt his illness, schizophrenia, would end up destroying us before it destroyed him. He was wrong, I would have stood by him. So then I became a single parent. It was tough at times.So then I made another list. Once again it was about character. If I need to make important decisions I like to write down the strengths, opportunities, weaknesses and threats. So yes I was seeking a new man who I really clicked with, could talk about anything with, was reliable, honest and fun. Who could accept my child as his own child and be a good father (my child was very young). Though he did not meet my child for the first year, I needed to get to know him better first. A man who had the strength and inner confidence that I was still going to leave things around that might remind me of my first husband. I didn't need an insecure second husband. I needed a man who could cope with the situation and cope from day one. And yes I found him. So my point is that I see men who want marriage, have marriage on their minds, are actively looking for a woman who thinks the same and wants to settle down. Such men usually propose marriage in the first 18 months of knowing a girlfriend. If they are serious they don't waste time. They know what they want. And I see men who will never commit. Some don't even want to be a father, while others DO really want to be a father but don't see the point of getting married. They want that little piece of freedom that guarantees that they can walk if they want to and they will not have to endure a divorce. Except ANY split is painful and can be just as tough whether the couple are married or not. I think your guy has accepted that your need for children is strong. He did not want to block that need. But is he commitment shy as far as marriage? I think yes.Some men do come around to the idea of marriage and some never do.As another addition to your family is on the way you can hope for the best, but prepare for the possibility that he may never want to officially get married.Because there is no way you can marry happily if you have to use every manoeuvre possible to get him to his own wedding. He needs to want to do it for himself. Not even just want to do it for you. And not just want it because he feels in some way that he has to, once the baby arrives. For all intents and purposes he possibly feels that he is committed to you, is reliable and is a stable long term partner to you. After all you fell in love, he supported you when you had your first child and he is supporting you now with the decision you made together to have another child together. But still there is that failure to formalize it.What have his parents had to say about commitment? Build a strong relationship with your possible future mother in law and listen carefully to any clues she offers to her thoughts on marriage. Did the parents of your partner have a happy marriage? If it was unhappy then this can impact on a man. If he still has not made a formal commitment to marry you by the time you are aged 30 then he may never do so. He is already getting all the benefits of a marriage, a committed partner and children. he is also acknowledging the children as his and being there 24/7 for you and the children.And actual marriage ceremony and celebration afterwards does not need to be expensive. weddings in the 19th century were invariably held at home. A few friends shared a meal afterwards. Often weddings were held on Christmas eve or even Christmas day as it allowed the maximum number of family to attend. It has only been in the 20th and now the 21st century that wedding costs have blown out of all proportion.Ask him does he have a valid Will? Does he have a valid power of Attorney document in place? These are just "pieces of paper" too. But without that piece of paper your life can be very messed up if, when you need these documents in place, it is later found that the person never had those documents in place even though they are essential.Similarly demolish the argument that a marriage certificate is just a "piece of paper". Well then, if it's "just a piece of paper" then why the reluctance to introduce such and important piece of paper into the relationship? In what way does that "piece of paper" threaten the solidarity of the relationship between two people?Ask for what you need. This is the issue for me............And this is how it makes me feel when.......And as a result?Then this is the solution I am suggesting............If he cannot respect the way it makes you feel and respect why it is important to you then you are within your rights to ask him to explain what is better about not being married to you?The argument about money does not cut it with me. You are in a high expense period of your relationship.This will continue probably for another ten years.At the ten or fourteen year period point he may choose to develop an expensive hobby so marriage will still be impossible.Think about where you want to be in ten years, and how you want to live your life in ten years time. Then add on another ten years again.Do you still want to be unmarried then? Yes he could certainly just walk out on you at any time and at some time in the future, as could you.So a marriage certificate will not stop him from separating from you.What will result in wanting to be with you always and be resolved to never walk out on you and the children is an existing motivation or aspiration within him to WANT to commit to you as the lover and cares about. And to want to be there for his children, no matter what.If he wants all that then why does a formal marriage certificate bother him.If he can't answer these questions then maybe he may never be able to answer these questions. And may never marry any women. Such men do exist.It does not mean he does not love and adore you. He probably does love and adore you and probably is besotted with the idea of being a father. But it does not want to formalize the situation.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 Some men may feel pointless to spend a fortune on a wedding when half of marriages fail. At the same time they want to show the world they can afford grand things, and to show off the world what great women they have. It's a social and personal statement. A powerful one too. So even though you say you don't want a grand wedding maybe he does. He has half the say of how he wants the wedding to be.
Of course he may not even be the man described above. You don't have to set a date and time, but maybe drop subtle hints and start a topic on marriage that doesn't have to do with the two of you. Being with each other for 4 years you should have an idea of what he thinks about marriage. Is it mutual love, bliss, or a trap for him, financial or emotional wise.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 October 2013):
That's a tough one. I agree that a low cost ring and wedding can take some of the pressure out but I can compare that to a salesperson making better deals before a customer backs out of the offer. All in all men see it as a way to be lured into something they hesitate doing.
I would hold off all conversations of commitment and just do your best and take it one day at a time. It helps if you don't compare your relationships with your friends who are married. It also helps if you can understand from a man's point of view, why it's hard for them to make a lifelong commitment. Maybe you would find that some part of you agrees why it's so hard.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): I am inferring that your pregnancy being planned means you walked into this with your eyes open. I've been married three times and it's not like the instant you say I do the earth cracks open and swallows you up in a cocoon of bliss. It doesn't. You go home and eat left overs and do dirty laundry just like before.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 If you are waiting for your partner to fall on one knee and declare his undying love for you, and to proffer a big (or tiny) diamond (or zirconium) ring as a symbol of that declaration it isn't going to happen. If he was the sort of man to do that, you would not now be living in the same house as him rearing two children together.
However, if all you are wanting is for a wedding certificate, without all the hoo har and white dress symbolising your virginity, that is a different story, and a desire I can understand.
It might not be as arduous or costly an exercise as your partner believes. Depending on where you live it might be possible to get married in a registrar's office, or there may be a marriage celebrant living locally, so first stop would be your local government, second stop yellow pages.
Get costs for a ceremony only, no frills. Cost a new set of clothes for the four of you. Present your partner with the entire cost. In an effort to avoid causing hurt to non invited people ask strangers to be witnesses (pull them off the street in none available in the offices) and ask somebody else to take photos with your digital camera for future memories. Use a ring one of you already own that has some sort of sentimental value.
Afterwards go have something to eat at a kid friendly venue, tea and cakes or carvery at the local. Then take the kids home, put them to bed and start child number three.
Marriage may be more attractive to your partner when presented as a low cost, little effort required, simple ceremony.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): I understand your situation. You do not want the boyfriend girlfriend thing. That is okay. You want to get married and that is okay. But do you not think that just maybe you should of been a little more insistent before the planned children arrived? Anybody can say what they want to you . But the proof of the pudding is in the actions. I share your concern only because the boyfriend girl friend thing leaves him open to other women wanting to give him a whirl if you know what i mean. The best example is Gene Simmons of Kiss and Shannon Tweed is girlfriend, that relationship with two planned children went on for twenty years until finally he married Shannon. Good luck, you have waited so long hopefully it wont take twenty years before your boyfriend proposes to you. Move forward...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): "It may sound silly but I would love to get engaged. He says about our financial situation (which is not the greatest) and that he cannot afford it."If he says you can't afford to get engaged, then by that logic you presumably can't afford to support the child you already have so why on Earth did you "plan" a second child with a guy who claims you can't afford to get married? I hate to be a cynic, but might the root his worries be that as a "single" mother you currently qualify for government assistance for which you would no longer be eligible as the lawfully wedded wife of a wage-earning husband?". . . I want a commitment between JUST us." Sorry, but since you've been living up with him for two years and are about to have your second kid by him, you're not exactly in a position of strength to bargain with him. What does he stand to gain by marrying you now? He enjoys all of the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities. As my late grandmother would have said, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" "Marriage may not seem important to some people in our days but it is to me."If you moved across the country to shack up with a guy you had known for two months and are now pregnant with your second out-of-wedlock child by him, then it would appear marriage isn't that important to you, either. At this point an "engagement" of any type is pointless and redundant. Whatever meager financial resources you have should be devoted to providing for your children's future, so if marriage is as important to you as you claim then you will haul baby daddy down to your local municipal offices and have a quick civil ceremony so your children will enjoy the all the protections the law provides to parents who are legally related to each other.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 October 2013):
I don't really understand what you're asking... It seems like you want advice that will lead to the two of you getting married, but without having to talk with him about it.
If that's the case my advice is to be patient. Marriage may create a nice bond, but it really doesn't change your relationship.
Honestly, I don't believe his excuses, unless he's pretty uptight about details. For God's sake, you have two kids, one of them planned. Kids require money, marriage doesn't. So it seems as if he's just not ready at this time but doesn't want to hurt you.
You're very young and have plenty of time to be married, for now enjoy things the way they are until both of you are ready.
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