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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been in an exclusive relationship with my current wife for more than 8 years. And I want to get out of the relationship, although my wife apparently very much wants to continue the relationship.What I want to ask is how specifically could I break this news to my wife? To elaborate, what do you think might be the best way of ending the relationship with the lowest probability of negative emotional and mental consequences for her? Please consider that I don't handle confrontation well.I'd love to get any response, nice or nasty. I just need some input from outside my brain.--------Some more background info:- before I met my wife, every relationship I had was unfulfilling and short-lived- I take a long time to make difficult decisions, for nearly a year I've only stayed in the relationship "just in case" I change my mind or things get better.- the main difference between who I am now, and who I was when I met my wife is that I have more friends now, and I can see the potential for me to have an enjoyable life. Back then I had no friends, and couldn't see past the fear of being alone for the rest of my life.- I don't like the way my wife is negative about most things, very quick to criticize and judge others, and while over time she has drifted towards "fitting in with the crowd", as I've become more self-confident I feel more comfortable with indulging in pursuits that most people might consider geeky, and as a result met like-minded people who are now good friends. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your time and effort in responding to my question.
Certainly in the original question I should have said "_minimize_ negative emotional and mental consequences".
Also we don't have any kids, and I'm well aware that I'm immature. I guess my thinking was, counsellors tend to be pretty conservative, and play it safe. I was hoping that in an anonymous forum I could get some info about other people's experiences of initiating break-ups. I know there's no magic potion, but remember that I'm very socially inexperienced, so knowing anything about what has happened to other people might help me.
Thanks again
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 There is no easy way breaking the news to your wife. No magic potion or going round the houses.
If you feel that marriage is over and no point working at it, differences or negative things you said your wife has.
Assuming that you have talked about it in the past and still no improvement.
Sounds to me she could not be that negative she has helped you to get self confidence to stand on your own feet.
Netherless it is very brave of you to open yourself for critism knowing that no all will be good, when it is over it is over, the best way is not to delay it any longer and tell her how you feel.
Be honest and supportive is my advice.
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A
female
reader, unique chloe +, writes (9 January 2007):
well if ur not happy let her no
if ur not happy how can she be happy ur friends will help u and in time u might be able to make friends
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007):
You do realize the only the last one of those is a real reason, dont you? If you were hedging your bets before shame on you, you still swore to the "til death do us part" piece.
I think the place to start would be some 'relationship encounter' where you go on retreats with other couples and go through some excersises with other couples.
Through this process, you should at least help quantify for your wife why you think you are divorcing, if you in fact decided to go that way. Just moving out and having her served is going to leave all kinds of damage on both side.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 I'm uncomfortable with the casual way you use the word "relationship". This is a 8 year old MARRIAGE you are talking about. It's not to be entered into lightly nor is it to be dissolved with a snap of the fingers. You need to sit down with your wife and have nice long chat about where you both see your marriage going and your plans, hopes, and dreams for the future. Then make an appointment with a marriage counselor and give the counseling a fair shot. If you are still unhappy then you can divorce knowing that you tried your best. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Well eight years is a long time so its gonna be hard to break the news to your wife regardless of how you tell her.Its very hard for us Aunts to advise you how to tell your wife that you want a divorce because we dont know either of you. But I think its important to be honest and dont say any of the usual lines like "its not you its me", or "maybe we should have a break". Just tell her how you have changed and how you now feel that youre not comfortable in a relationship.And be careful how you break the news, expect some tears and alot of questions. try to put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she might ask you, so that you can get some answers ready in your head.And be reasonable, if you have children then the respectable thing to do is let her stay in the marital home for as long as she needs. If you dont have children then she might move back to her mums or with family. but you need to sit down and talk things through amicably (sorry I cant spell!), and make sure that you both dont lower yourselves to childish name calling, it will make it easier for you to settle the house and your joint possesions.Ok good luck and I hope everything goes as well as can be expected.xx
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (8 January 2007):
 Eight years is a long time to simply just give up on because she is negative and you want to pursue your, 'geeky' as you say, interests with your good friends. It sounds to me like you married her for the wrong reasons, in order to not be alone. But there must have been something right about the relationship at one time or the two of you would not have stayed married as long as you did. I'd recommend marriage counseling, and a lot of it, before you made any decision about divorcing. There IS NO way to end a relationship with out emotional and mental consequences. And it's immature of you to even think it is possible.
Get some counseling before you decide anything more... it sounds to me like it has been a long time since the two of you have any sort of good communication going on, and you both have grown in opposite directions, but that doesn't mean that you can't start communicating and attempting to grow together. I am amazed that you are considering giving up on this relationship over what seem to be minor problems. (Although there may be more information that you did not post.) People divorce over infidelity, substance and physical abuse problems, and irreconsilable differences... not boredom... especially if they haven't worked at it.
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