A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When we first started dating, my boyfriend was nice, affectionate, and eager to spend time with me.Two years later... not so much. He is always making fun of me (in a joking way, but it can be a little mean), no where near as affectionate, and doesn't want to do much except drink beer and play video games. He has become lazy with himself (overweight, wont work out with me) and with the relationship.Despite all this, I love him dearly. If our relationship ended, I would be heartbroken. I am always worried about his health and happiness.But I just don't know if it will last. I mention somethings that bother me and his response has sometimes been, "you won't leave me though, we love each other too much and I can't live without you". He talks as if we will be together forever, about marriage and kids, yet is oblivious to things that seriously bother me. I think he has a hard time picking up on how I feel. He is the type that thinks nothing wrong will happen.And, I do want it to last forever. But not like this. I would never cheat on him, but it makes me want to hang out with other people over him. People who will pay attention to me!Would love some advice... Don't know if to try and how to try to make this work, or if I need to make a hard decision.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): I think you have answered your own questions . . . mostly negative. I would suggest you get out of the relationship as fast as you can while you still have self esteem. The guy appears to be a loser and he will drag you down with him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2014):
 You don't love him. You love the guy he was when he was on his best behavior. You love the guy you WANT him to be but you do not LOVE who HE IS RIGHT NOW.
Women, in general, tend to love a man's potential. You can't love his potential. You have to love him where he is right now. IF it gets better, that's a bonus.
IF he never changes from where he is right now is that enough?
IF NOT... then yeah you have the hard thing to do... to leave.
Sucks doesn't it.
I always think of Chely Wright's "Shut up and Drive"
"he's got one of those hearts that keeps changing your mind
take a piece of paper
make two columns
one says PROS (stay) one says CONS (leave)
then under PROS write all the things you CURRENTLY like about him. his hair is nice, he has a good smile, he is good in bed.. he takes out the trash. he has good hygiene... any and everything that is CURRENTLY positive.
put any and everything on whichever list is appropriate.
compare the two lists.
this will help you make your decision.
in the CON column you list all the things that you would change if you had a magic wand:
he's overweight
he doesn't work out
he does not care about his body
he does not care about me
he does not care about our relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): I don't know what to advise but I will say that the mean joking thing is a bad sign-I've been in 2 abusive relationships and the mean joking thing was the first sign something was wrong in both of them
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 December 2014):
 "You won't leave me though, we love each other too much and I can't live without you"....this is a classic co-dependent relationship OP. Both of you need counselling and if it still doesn't work out then you might just have to consider moving on. Because from my experience, unless very specifically acted upon, these things never get better. They keep deteriorating until it comes to a point when you wake up and think, "you know what, I cant do this anymore". You haven't reached your breaking point yet but you will very soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Been through this and have been seeing a counselor about my relationship. Turns out I'm in an unhealthy relationship and after several meetings I finally have the courage to face the reality that he was my safety blanket but it deterred me from being who I want to be. Is that how he makes you feel? Negative? If so, don't let it affect you and keep doing what makes you feel confident. Don't give up on him, maybe when he sees you having fun, he'll want to be the same like going to the gym, doing outdoor activities etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Will you listen to my advice or will you do what your heart is telling you?
Maybe I am saying what your heart will tell you or maybe I won´t, but I will be short in my reply and very honest.
If he doesn´t show any effort today, what on earth makes you think he will in future?? No, Nothing you can do can ever make him change. You can however be honest and Tell him how you feel and leave it up to him.
If he doesn´t start appreciating what a beautyful and amazing girlfriend he has, then he needs to worry about losing you.
But that is his worry, his problem, not yours.
Never, ever.. Please, never ever settle for less.
You cannot teach him how to treat a woman or be in a relationship, and if he doesnt know this, then he shouldn´t waist his or your time.
Same thing I would tell him if you were the one being lazy and not committing to him and your relationship.
Don´t suffer in silence, never.. Tell him, always talk to each other. Make sure he has heard you even if he pretends not to listen.
As long as you feel you have told him everything and is expecting him to change, or else...
good luck!
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