A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 44 and met this lady who is 28 at my sons baseball league. first time we both seen each other from first day we fell for one another.. she was in an unhappy marriage. she fell in love with me and thru our relationship she had gotten divorced.We met in April and started to seriously date right after her divorce in june. we had a fantastic relationship.. both fell deeply in love with the other.. our children enjoyed each other..the one problem that was undetected by both of us was that we were spending all our time by one another.. she moved in with her parents and when winter came, when her ex didnt have his children we spent it by her parents house, with which i liked both her mom and dad very much.. went to many dinners together.. our time by her parents house began to take a toll on me though as everytime we were there she was never suggesting for anytime for us to be alone. she was always by her parents side watching tv talking etc. which i had said "why don't u ever ask if i like to go into another room and talk or watch tv".. i then began to spend many nights there as her children liked me their on there bedside. which i wasnt comfortable with. they wanted me there her oldest until he fell asleep. she liked it so i wanted to show i was happy with it too.. which i was at first, but then it became almost every night.. i was staying like 4-5 nites per wk. i had told my girlfriend i'm not comfortable with this as it wasnt her house but her parents and i had said i never had done this before. plus! my son was beginning to wonder as to why i was staying so much there..she would say to me "my mom and dad like when you're here." she liked me there and said her mom doesnt mind me there. she would think i didnt want to be by her or her parents, which wasnt the case at all.i said to her, it's good to miss one another but she would say we became so attached so i didnt know how to say i like spending time with you and if it was her home i would spend every night with her but it isnt and i like being my my place at night without her thinking i didnt want to be by her side..we never yelled argued screamed or swore at one another.. we discussed things and always moved forward.. we both said countless times how our love was so strong for the other.. which i still believe is to this day..but just this past jan week of 3rd.. she was late with her period as we began to go through this issue of our constant spending nights and not getting any free time to miss one another..also at this time i began to have trouble with my stomach as i changed my diet and for the last 2 wks i didnt want to tell her as i thought she may be pregnant and her moods were changing and we both thought as her period was late, she may be pregnant.. we took two tests, both came up negative.. on the 10 of jan. i spent the night. she knew my demeanor was changing and asked what is wrong.. she was up all night.. and i said nothing.. she asked if i loved her still and i said absolutely.. which i did and still do.. we made love that sunday morning which we shouldnt have.. she asked me afterwards if she was pregnant would i want her to have the baby.. since our relationship was being together by one another constantly.. and my stomach with which i had to go to an emergency room that tuesday was bothering me greatly i didnt want to answer that question at that moment b/c i was in pain, we both were stressed and to be fair to the question. i asked if we could talk about it when we knew for sure.. i still didnt want to talk of my illness. i didnt want her to worry more!we didnt spend that sunday together like we had planned. we were to be with my children which she loved them dearly. but she txted me saying to go alone she was tired and going to rest. i txtd asking "are u sure?" she responded yes.. we txted back and forth all day.. i stopped there around 430 and she was in the front room.. her parents were out of town as well for 2 wks so none of everything happening was at the best time as she is extremely close to her parents...i asked if she wanted to go see my buddies son basketball game she said no and that I should go by myself she neeeded to rest and her children would be home by 8:30.. i wanted to stay but she said to go and call her after i get home. which i did. all was good.. that monday we had a nice day and i was to see my kids. i had mentioned to my girlfriend i wanted to spend a little more time with them to show i haven't forgotten them since my youngest was beginning to wonder why i was spending so much time by her at nite. she understood,she said. but i felt like in someway, she thought i was pulling away from her...she was still telling me up to this day how she loved me so much and i was her everything and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.. as i would her too! she then again began to ask me, what if she is pregnant, what would i think? for the first time in our wonderful relationship we were having stress and some drama. we both are calm ppl and both were in stressful relationships.. I asked her again if we could wait to make sure if she was pregnant as she was going to take one last test before going to her doctor to see if it could be some other reason she hadnt received her period yet. she then says "i can see in your face you dont want a baby." which i then said. "its not that i dont want a baby, there are things going through my mind that im not in the best frame to say at the moment." i had now began to have very bad pain at times in my stomch which i knew i had to make a appt. to my doctor. we were stressed and she thought i was pulling away do to my early comment of week before that we are spending to much time together we are not missing one another like we should at night.. and not seeing our friends which she agreed but seem to still not agree.. she is very neurtured and likes companionship constantly. which i loved but i thought, in our relationship, if we were to go out with our friends i had said to her once in a while would be nice..we both are very trusting ppl. we both like the others friends and enjoy there company too. she says she likes being with me and my friends. i said: i love you with me and you are always welcome to come anytime. i dont go out much but to play cards here and there with them on a friday as they are all married. she had always said she dreamt of going out and coming home to me.. which i said i have thought of those times too.. our love was strong.. was heart felt and we both made the other very happy.. we had said this to one another many many times.. That monday after we talked i asked her to come with me to see my kids. she wanted to but thought it be best for me to go alone.. she was fine when i left.. i seen my kids we txted and talked once when i was with them.. i dropped off and called her around 9:30 that night as she was alseep. she called me back as i was almost home. i wanted to come by her as when i called i was very close to her parents house. we talked as i came in to my place she sounded tired said she was sleeping.. we talked for about 45 minutes and i began to fall asleep which she told me to call her in the morning.. i told her before i went to bed that my stomch wasnt feeling well.. that night i woke up at 2am and was in pain.. things were happening there not normal and i txted her of this. she txted me back a bit mad, saying that she was sick sunday and monday night and i didnt come by her.. but i told her i tried each night to come by her.. i told her what was wrong and she said if i was there she could check and that she said couples who love each other are their for another with which i have always been there for her and her for me too.. this is how i knew for sure she was pregnant b/c she said with her forst 2 her moods change and she was very stressed she said. we talked and all was good by morning by i was still going to bathroom and took my youngest to school that morning.. i stopped by her house afterwards she was getting her 2 children ready for school and herself for work.. i said i had to use her bathroom she checked and said i need to get to the hospital. she wanted to come but had to go to work and kids to school asked me to keep her informed and all would be okay! on my way to hospital im in pain driving and nervous she called me to tell me she took another pregnacy test and she is pregnant.. i couldnt say much as my sister was in car with me incase i had to stay in hospital she wanted to come with. i told my girlfriend she was in car.. i also said i'm happy but in pain cant say to much now.. she replied in a low key voice and said okay. she came to hospital i was released and that night all was great.between us. she wanted to talk again about the baby and says i dont want you to worry i know what i have to do! i told her i wasnt telling her to get an abortion she says i know, but i can see from all your responses you dont really want one! i then said it isnt at all like u think.. i need some time to make sure im okay and you are oaky. we both need to relax a few days as i wanted to talk more when her mom was coming home which was in a wk.she says no, i will take care of this and will go on birth control. i said i will support you 100% but want to talk more in few days. our evening was fine on tuesday and wednesday. i spent night on wednesday and she even put my hand on her stomach that night which was nice.. but on thursday morning i felt like she was pulling away being cold towards me. she says its just her hormones but it seemed like more then that to me..her family owns a restaurant and she had to work this day and asked if i wanted to do a delivery if i was up to it yet.. i said i can. i get there we are fine. we kissed laughed and she asked be if i could help with the mats. i felt something pull in my stomach and was in some pain.. she asked me if i was alright! i said yes but am in some pain i will be okay. i said that is why im quiet..we kissed agian then i said i wanted the baby.. i said we can make it work and i was happy.. she said no! she was getting an abortion. i asked her why she is pulling away why cant she look or talk to me about it. i said i will support her but why now which she was so against getting one does she want one .. i knew she was hurt thinking i didnt want one and feeling like i was pulling from her in the past week.. i then said the comment you had just said to me is something my ex would of said. she wasnt happy i said that. so she thought i was calling her my ex! which i wasnt.. i had explained it to her.. that night there was tension. but she was calling me baby sweetie still and we talked of comment but we spent the night together and she seemed distant.. next morning she tells me with all the nice things i have told her through the course of our relationship she got very attached to me.. she says she doesnt know if she believes it all now since i dont want a baby i once said would be nice to have.. even though we both said it wouldnt be the right time she thought i didnt want one but i had said thats not the case. there is so much happening here all at once.. she has a hard time hadling stress..she says she needs time to trust me again.. not that she didnt love me or thought thinks i lie but just believing me when i would say i want to be with her forever.. she says maybe next year would be better to have a baby.that day later we go pick her children up. i met her at her parents house.. she was very stressed out. dropped stuff at work she said and was very much on edge.. we drove and i had asked her if she would like to go out on saturday since her ex had the children, she says i dont know.. first time she had ever said that to me!. i then asked her if i could ask her a question, which she said yes. i asked if we are boyfriend and girlfriend still? she relies i dont know anymore.. i dont know what im feeling about anyhting anymore.. im stressed she says and cant think properly and the things i have said to her in the last few days like " i wasnt sure about us anymore, and that we both have children already" - these comments plus her thinking i didnt want a baby and thinking i was breaking it off with her were all playing in her thoughts for last week. i then told her that my stomach had been bothering more each day for last 2 wks that i wasnt wanting to worry her.. it was playing with my thoughts and when she knew she was pregant i then for sure didnt want to add more strees drama to it..that is why i had asked if we could talk more of everything when her parents would be back.. and that i was worried of bringing a baby in this world with me being ill.. I then said i would like to have the baby she says no. I then got out of the car and said i cant believe u want to do this with our baby and have seem to have no remorse to what im thinknig or feeling.. i said to her i understand but why does it seem like u dont want to talk of it to me.. she again tells me she needs space and time.. so i said im walking back to my car she says no i will drive you if u like its freezing out. i said no i need to go now.. i began to walk. and i get to her house she moves her parents car which was blocking way.. i said to her.. why didn u tell me you loved just this morning and now say you dont know.. she says i need a break and a few days to think.. i said fine. she says telly your son im sick as we were all to go to show this nite. later that nite i txted her as to how she was feeling. she replies, her girlfriend is there, she is fine she says but needs just a fe days to breath relax and think. i txt goodnite later, she does the same. next morning i txt goodmorning, she does the same again. i txt i miss u and would love to be holding u like we have done so many times.. she replies not today. that night i went by her house. i needed to see her and talk. i brought her something to eat. she didnt want to come to door but she does and we talk. she is calling me sweetie, baby, and bae still in her words. i asked her if she loves me still she says she cares about me tremendously! very much she says. i said, look me in the eyes and say you dont love me. she couldnt. i said, look me in the eyes and say u want me out of your life forever, she couldnt. she then sayd i just need this now i need to be completely alone.. i never have been and with her kids she says and all that is going on, i need time i nedd to be alone. i said u will miss us as we are fantastic together which she admits she probably will miss us but needs it right now. she says she will keep me informed of her decision. i said im going and wont bother her. she says okay.. i can see in her eyes she is stressed but still in love with me..i left.. i txtd her i will miss her badly..i got no reply.. next morning i had talked to my sister she had told me to give her time and tell her u will respect her decision of her time alone. i tried but she didnt answer. my 2 txts went unanswered. i txtd again that monday and rest of wk up to wednesday. i got no reponses. i said im coming over on wednesday to see if u are ok. that is when her cousin txtd me telling me she is by her house spending the nite and is wanting me to leave her alone doesnt want to talk. i said thanks for letting me know she is ok. i got a hold of my girlfriends mom. she had said its up to talk she didnt want to get involved.. next day i txt her mom saying ty for answering my call.. that is when i got another txt from her cousing saying this is from her cousins aunt which is my girlfriends mom.. txt says my girlfriend is no longer pregnant. is fine. doesnt or never wanted anyone to care for her nor help take care of her children. i was shocked of this txt. her mom is a very controlling person of my girlfriend and i figured this is the mom talking not my girlfriend. and the mom is mad at what her daughter had to do..it crushed me to that she had to go through this and i wasnt by her side.. from that thursday i didnt try to contact my girlfriend until sunday. i had gotten some of my belongings from her aunt so i was returning the same through a mutual friend. this was on sunday morning. i had written a letter to give to her and asked our frined to make sure her mother doesnt see this letter. see some of the things with all that was going on i was planning.. i had told her i was making payments on a ring. which with all going on she was doubting.. so i picked it up during the wks before this was happening. i didnt tell her of this. in my leter i also told her one of the reasons i was wanting to see my kids was that i told them i was going to ask her to marry me and that they will always be welcomed as she loves them very much. i also told her in letter that when i went by my buddies hous i had asked him to be my bestman, as i was to ask her soon i told him.i also told her i went to our realestate person a asked him to begin looking for a home in area we wanted in june. and 1 last thing i wrote in letter was one of the reasons i wanted to wait for her mom to come back was that i wanted to ask her mom if i could stay their in basement or anywhere til we had our place and that i would pay her rent . i had said in letter now to my girlfriend was i wanted to be there for her..i apologize for not telling her all this but i wanted to surprise her and that i didnt think this was all going to end so fast! That same day on sunday nite i felt like we could talk.. so i txtd her. I said, hi to her and asked her to call me. i also said, in txt, fopr some reason i feel like we can talk for a few minutes.. i also knew she didnt have her children this day til later in evening, and her parents were both at work. so if she was to call it would be now. i sent txt she calls me in 2 minutes.I say hi as she does too. her voice sounds very low, somber almost like she was going to cry or holding back some.. our sons play in same baseball league. which has started a camp on sundays. i isad, if u like i would take my son out and enroll him into another league for her. she replies no! dont do that, she says my name and replies few times to not do this.. she says hse will enroll her kids in same league..and that their in 2 different divisions. isaid ok. i then say i like for us to be able to talke. she agrees and says she would like for us to talk and say hi. i agreed.i then say im trully sorry for all that had happen and am very sorry for last 3-4 wks off all she had gone thru and that i never meant for that to happen and would take it all away if i could. i said next. i like love being around u. u have made me very happy. i said also, i cared like and love u and miss u very much her voice fades cracks and i said on two different occassions, are u okay.. she replies softly, yes..I said i know when we see one another at baseball this will be very hard as i miss u and this is where we have met! I then said as i only wanted to keep her on the phone for a few minutes like i had said in txt and didnt want to bring up past to much.. i said i will let u go,her voice very low and says, ok. I said thanks and bye. she pauses says ok thaks back and a soft broken bye..almost like in someway not wanting to say bye it felt like.. also when my firend seen her to give her her clothes back that morning. she said she misses me but it will past.. my friend said tho her mom was right next to her at that time. she then said we spent to much time as i had said together.and the last month i put her through a lot. she also said she was wondering if it would work for us as she was going thru everything. but she told me that her hormones and stress was making her think these things when we were togetheras to her feelings.her last thing she told out friend was,she like me by her and her by me she enjoyed us and was happy! her mom tells her that will pass..my firend thinks her mom is controlling her which i agree.. b/c my firend said she sounded okay when she talked to her that morning.. but when i talked to her that evening she sounded.. her voice very low soft and crackling.. she sounded like she had or was trying to not cry..i did txt her after we hung up and said :Thank you for calling" she did respong right away with "welcome"My question is "what do i do?" I love her very much, i can feel her love for me still. i know her mom is very controlling and she lives there. i know she is hurting still of all she had just gone thru. it was nice that she called me. i took that as she had been wanting to her my voice what i had to say or she wouldnt of called, she would of just txtd me back asking what i had to say or even more , if she didnt want to hear from me, wouldnt of did anything at all.. but she called right away. andf returned my txt as well.do i not txt or try to call for a while? do i txt in few days to ask if we can meet for lunch? I feel we both would like to mee.. i would like to have us back together as i think she is wanting this but i think she is worried of her parents she listens to them alot.. what do i do.? how should i try?Thank you
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a break, abortion, at work, be pregnant, cousin, crush, divorce, fell in love, her ex, I love you, moved in, my ex, needs space, period, want a baby Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 I have to say that the comments you have had from bitterblue are very good.
You go into far too much detail and unfortunately give us more of a life story than the actual facts. It is right you do need to organise your thoughts and feelings more as you seem very jumbled up and that comes across.
I still don't understand with so much stomach pain why you couldn't get to the bottom of it by going to the hospital and letting your gf know how bad/serious it was. How you got it sorted out now or not? If the answer is NO, then get to the hospital or GP and get a scan done as this is not something that will just go away on it's own, get yourself sorted out both emotionally and physically as this all came at the wrong time when your gf got confused by your signals.
If you love her then tell her, tell her you want her to be your wife if that is what you want to do. I think suggesting some counselling would be good so that you can work out all the problems you have had with an unbiased go between. I would also suggest some discussions that involve discussing the abortion as it can linger in a woman's mind for a very long time so resolve a lot of the anger, pain and to a degree the loss of your child as well.
Wish you well.
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): First thing is first and I think you should sort out your thoughts and organise a good plan of what you wish to do and how to express yoursef. Your narration is somewhat confusing because I think you were confused in reality when these events occurred. Part of the problem consists in just that.Your girlfriend did an abortion for a reason. You say she initially thought you didn't want the child. Meet her and do a resume of the latest occurrences to draw your conclusions for the future. You hid your health problem from her and as a result she mistook your bad mood due to your illness for a grudge against her or the relationship. This may have in part led to her decision. There has been a lot of tension because you didn't communicate well and many problems sprang from here. This has to be corrected. You carry on saying that you haven't questioned your relationship at all but suddenly you say that you mentioned to her "I wasn't sure about us anymore, and that we both have children already." I'm not sure I follow you here. Because then you change and tell her that she should be remorseful if she didn't keep the baby. This is the confusion I talk about in the beginning of my reply. You should make sure in the future that your messages are received clearly and without delay or surprises. Offer to discuss the letter also face to face, to talk about what is right and wrong in your relationship and to work on the things that can be mended and have to do with you, your approach to an issue, etc. Try to be more organised in your account so that you make a point. Meet her alone out of her parents' house and have this sensible talk. Don't fear to bring up the past however hurtful and make yourself available to answer to whatever questions she has and to reassure her of wanting to be by her side. I cannot say if she blames you or an unfit context in your relationship, maybe she thinks it was too early into the relationship to be bringing a child into the equation. She has also said that maybe a child would be welcomed next year so she may be waiting for a better suited time in your relationship in order to make plans and settle down but is still upset after the loss. Therefore be patient with her, abortion is not an easy choice and many women are resentful towards their partners for having had to resort to that even if the context demanded it and they fully agreed to this step. If she blames you for this you must talk about it, see where you did wrong and how you would approach the matter differently in the future. You say you think this and that. Ask her outright, don't assume. Don't hesitate either. Talk as you feel you should and I hope you can work out through your issues. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe she still loves me but is hurt. i also believe her mom is controlling her to not call. I did txt her to call me on sunday and she did. she seemed somber and said would like to talk as our kids play baseball together.
I apologized on phone to her, for all that happen these last few wks. i wouldlike to try and get back together. I just dont want to say the wrong things! what should i say to her? and how long should i wait before i try to communicate again? Was thinking of txtng her, just to see how she is feeling?
Thanks
jt
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 January 2009):
I can honestly I say I started to read your question but I personally think the person who accepted your question was very wrong as it is far too lengthy and it is so hard to read as there are no breaks between the paragraphs, I got a really bad case of eye strain so this is what my basic question is to you.
What is the question that you want to ask, not the lengthy explanation that you have given but purely what are you asking in about two paragraphs - no more. Let people help and advise you but don't please baffle them with so much text OK.
Wait to hear from you.
BFN
Country Woman
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