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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I are 25 and have been together for 6 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We have a good relationship and have always discussed marriage and kids which we both want. I told my boyfriend a few months ago that I wanted to start trying for a baby in January and he agreed. I bought the ovulation kits and pre conception vitamins. But when we came to try my partner said he had changed his mind and he realised he wasn't ready yet. He said a child is too much responsibility and he feels too young. I was devastated because I really wanted to start a family. I asked him when he thinks he might be ready and he said he doesn't know but it's no time soon, but he does want kids "someday." Should I wait till he's ready? I'm worried it might be 5 years away, and even then he could turn around and say he's still not ready. I'm torn because i do love him but my desire to have a family is so strong. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): 25 is still pretty young and it's definitely normal for him to not feel ready. Your relationship appears to be very strong but having a baby is life-changing and can be very strenuous. A baby means less nights out, less spare money for yourself, less time with friends; all typical things a twenty-something would do.I had my son at 22. He wasn't planned, just seemed to sneak up on me and my girlfriend and it hit home more or less straightaway all the changes I had to make in my life. I had 2 grand put away for a trip to Vegas with my friends but all that money had to go towards the baby. I soon found I couldn't go out clubbing anymore. Most of all I had to mature very quickly, you need to be very grown-up to raise a child and whilst I love my son to death and wouldn't change him for the world, there is that little niggle in the back of my mind that makes me think about what I've missed out on by having him so young.He'll know when he's ready, the fact that he still appears committed to you is good and there's no reason why it won't last until then.Don't pressure him to start a family just yet, enjoy being young and free while you can so when you finally do start one, you'll have no regrets.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Another OLD school aunty here...
when my kids were little and they asked me how you made babies my first response to them was
FIRST YOU GET MARRIED....
they were teens before it dawned on them that you could have a baby outside of wedlock and thankfully it HORRIFIES them as much as me. Yes their parents are divorced but we were married when they were conceived and born and I'm sorry but that's how it should be.
Personally when we were ready to TRY for a baby we didn't buy ovulation kits or predictors or anything. I went off birth control (waited the 3 months for the hormones to pass out of my system--using barrier method during that time) and then we starting having sex like we normally did and took a wait and see attitude... NOTHING changed for us... we were not "TRYING" we just were letting nature take it's course as it's done for centuries... and it worked without problem. IN fact, MOST women have NO problems getting pregnant.
So what do you do? Well if he's your one and only.. and you would rather be with him than have a child, it's a no brainer... you stay with him and take your chances. BUT I would figure out when you are getting married.. if at age 25 after 6 years together marriage is not on the table then I'd be willing to bet that truthfully neither are babies.
IF you absolutely MUST have a child and SOON then you must leave him.
so now how do you feel?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 In this I am old school too, better marriage first then babies after.
Yes I know that lots of marriages end up in divorce anyway, but at least if someone wants to marry shows good faith and committment, he is saying : I firmly BELIEVE that you will be the right and only partner for the rest of my life . A guy who gets you pregnant , or LETS you get pregnant, before this level of formal total committment, may be happy for right now but not that sure it's going to last , or that he wants to make it last, and not being married gives him a quicker simpler and less expensive way out , without too many ceremonies . I don't know how sage it is throwing a baby into this mix.
Never mind. Just my two cents.
Anyway, sorry but personally I can't blame him. Nowadays NO 25 y.o. male wants to become a dad ! , at least not in Europe, just check the stats. There are children of very young parents around who are the result of an accident, but asking a 25 y.o guy to PLAN for a baby and a family, uhm, good luck with that, and actually you aren't having any.
Maybe they SHOULD be ready for fatherhood and responsibilities and LIFELONG committment ( to your kid- you never divorce from your offspring ), but, it is what it is, the average guy is far from being ready at 25 and yours is no exception.
So what do you do ? well, what about waiting. If you love each other, and you want to be with him and having him as the father of your children, and you trust him, so you can believe him when he says that someday he'll be ready just not right now, ergo you can believe that he is not just giving you the runaround to keep you quiet, - so what if he is ready at 30 ? You'll only be 30 too, by today standards you'll still be a young mom ( average age of first childbirth in Uk is 29 and a few months, so.. ).
As for him changing his mind and never wanting a baby , therefore screwing you out of your cherished dream, well, that's a possibility. Life is a risk, YOU know him enough to know how high or low this risk is. After all, there's never any total security in love. You are not even sure he is going to come back home to you tonight, he MIGHT have run away with a circus trapezist. It's improbable, not impossible.
Of course it may be that you don't want to run any risk at all and that you put your desire for parenthood above your desire for a steady long lasting relationship with this guy, and I would not criticize you for that , everybody sets their own priorites.
But if it is so, I don't see what else you could do other than leave him and search another partner and future father of your child. Tt's a terrible idea to bully, trick or emotionally blackmail into becoming a parent a person who is not ready and does not have this fond desire in his heart. You are going to get what you want, but at high and damagings cost for your relationship, and perhaps for the child too. If you want to turn your couple into a family, you must be sure that both parties are fully, freely, sincerely on board.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 January 2014):
 A baby is a massive responsibility. The most important responsibility, in my opinion. I'm 29 and I couldn't imagine being a parent right now. And if my partner was ready and I wasn't, I would do as your boyfriend did and confess to not being ready yet. And I would hope my partner would respect my feelings.
If my partner were to ask when I would be ready, my answer would also be the same as his - that I didn't know. The only way I would know when I would be ready would be when I was ready. Lol. I can't say that in six months from now or a year from now I will be ready. Because I may still not feel ready in that span of time. When the day comes that I feel ready, I would tell my partner.
I don't think it's a bad sign that he's not ready. you're both still young! You have plenty of time. His not being ready doesn't mean he doesn't love or or see a future with you. He's just not ready NOW for the responsibility of another living being.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 January 2014):
 You have been together 6 years? and NOW he is realizing he isn't ready? I would ask him what he is waiting for.
MY guess is marriage hasn't even BEEN on the table either?
I think he is being honest in telling you no, he COULD have knocked you up and THEN decided that UH a baby is too much and walked away.
So YOU two need to have a talk about time line for your relationship, you two might not BE on the same page, let alone in the same book. So if that is the case, you might want to consider the relationship as a whole.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): I agree 100% with taste of indias advice. Babies are a huge responsibility, and I agree that it is good to be married first. It provides a sense of security and stability... that said things happen and I dont necessarily think that you should just get married because you have a baby or because you want to start a family. Its about committing to each other and facing lifes challenges together. I think that would be a better step... however I understand that you dont want your dream of a family to forever be put on the back burner. I think you both should sit fown and have a vonversation about marriage and children.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 January 2014):
 6 years.... and, just now, you are learning that this guy doesn't want marriage and children?????? What have the two of you been discussing?
I'd suggest that you realize that this "man-child" likes the carefree life that he has.... with little or no complex responsibilities..... and decide if you want to continue waiting for him to grow up.... OR, would you prefer to date - maybe MARRY - an adult male, who would be more in concert with you, relative to these IMPORTANT details of the "relationship."
Good luck....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014): You cant force someone to feel ready for a baby, they will end up resenting you in the end for pressuring them into it. Having a baby is a big decision that both partners need to feel equally ready for, if one of you is unsure, you need to wait.
At the end of the day you have a choice to make ... is your desire for a baby stronger than your love for your boyfriend??
Do you see your boyfriend as the father figure you want your child to have? When you picture your future with a child, is your boyfriend the dad? Do you see him as your future supportive partner? If yes then you need to be patient and wait until he is ready. Who knows, he may change his mind back again in 6 months. If no then you are in the wrong relationship and its only fair to both of you that you end it now.
Anyway even if you decide to leave him now because you want a child and cant wait for him, you will have to meet someone, get to know them, form a relationship and fall in love which will take a year minimum so either way you're going to be waiting before you can try. Well unless you are thinking of leaving him and getting pregnant by a quick fling, in which case what you need is a sperm donor and confidence you can raise and support a child alone and be happy doing it
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reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 January 2014):
 Well okay, first things first. You're together, you're living together - why not marriage before babies? Marriage is a humungous step in a relationship and one well worth doing before you bring a child into this universe. Having a baby kind of feels like skipping a step here.
If your boyfriend is saying that having a baby is too much responsibility for him right now and that he's too young - that's something to listen to. What if you have a baby and he gets so overwhelmed that his only response is to take off, leaving you a single mother? If you want this relationship to work, then absolutely you should wait until he's ready. A child is not something that you should go for when you know you're not ready.
You're both still young. You have plenty of time left. If this is the guy you want to spend your life with, you should listen to him and respect where he feels that he is in his life. It will be worth being patient on the issue of children if it gives him time to feel more confident about fatherhood and be enthusiastic about child-rearing. You've been together 6 years, why not step back on the baby issue and start talking about marriage?
Good luck!
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