A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote on here about 2 weeks ago with the question below* and got some good advice which generally agreed with what i thought. So i asked my husband if he would go away for 3 weeks instead of 5 and in the end we compromised on 4. Problem now is he booked the trip but booked nearly 6 weeks. When i questionned him he said he never agreed to 4 that he always intended to go for 5. I feel it was very bold that i had reached a compromise for us both to be happy and now he has hurt me by going behind my back. I could join him for part of the trip but we honeymooned 8 months ago and spent a lot of money then and i also wouldnt have time off work. I wonder if life is gonna be like this with him making decisions and not caring about me and am really distressed about thinking of our future. Just feel so hurt.*I need advice. Me and my husband of 9 months have been at item for 8 years. In this last few years he did a bit of backpacking with his mates and i guess you could say he got a bit of the travel bug. Im not a big fan of travelling to farway places such as thailand and australia and am quite a home bird. The reason he gets to travel is because he only has seasonal work and so works hard for 9 months but nothing for 4 months. I on the other hand work in retail and have limited holidays. So once again he has 4 months of freedom and tells me he going to australia for 5 weeks - WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I feel so hurt now that we married i thought we could try save for a bigger house or a change of car before we have children -im 32 now. I dont really know how to handle this obstacle but i think its unfair to ask to go away for that length of time now we married. Any thoughts please... or am i being unreasonable??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): it seems that he's making decisions on his own as if you don't exist.
but are you making future plans for him which he didn't enthusiastically agree to such as having a bigger house, car and kids? This is also making decisions on your own as if he doesn't exist.
both are equally destructive to a relationship. both are self-centered attitudes.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 As long as he's not spending any of your half of the money, then let him go without a fuzz. You can't exactly stop him without creating a sour marriage.
What I wonder is if you have talked to him at all about all of the plans you THINK he has with you. Plans that appear to be YOUR plans, not his. Why should your plans be prioritized, I wonder?
You want a new car, new house, babies... Did you make sure he had signed up for all of that, or did you just assume it? Clearly, he hasn't signed up for it. He doesn't want to save money to get a bigger house, a new car, or other things you have planned out for him to do, despite not discussing these things with him.
Why does it matter if it is 4 or 5 weeks? He's going away anyway, and one week more or less when it's such a long vacation anyway wont make much of a financial difference. The main expense is the travel back and forth, not the weekly stay once there, or so I'd think? Tickets to Australia are expensive, at least from where I live.
Anyway, what difference does one week to or from make to you? I'm talking now about why you were okay with the 4 weeks you thought you had agreed to, instead of 5. It's not because of the money. Could it be because you feel left out, abandoned, or something up the lines of that? Or did you have your mind set on him not being allowed to do whatever he wants now that you are married? You think being married gave you the right to, pardon me, tell him what to do?
I'm just confused as to why this one week to or from matters to you when he's going away anyway. It sounds a bit like a need to control him and possess him. Like maybe you felt comfortable having some control when you made him agree to 4 weeks instead of 5, when in the big picture of things it hardly matters. I could be wrong, of course, this is just a thought process and hopefully you will take a close look at your behaviour to figure out why you are so hung up on how long he takes his vacations.
On the other matter of things, I'd not like it if my man said he agreed with me on one thing and then goes ahead like and changes the agreement without a word. It'd rub me the wrong away. However, judge if him changing it to over 5 weeks (close to 6 you said, but not quite 6 weeks still, keep that in mind) did he actually change it? Did he alter from what he originally told you? He said 5 weeks, and blokes can be round when it comes to numbers, give or take some days. You misunderstood and thought you had compromised, he didn't see it that way. Stubborn, yes. But that's about it. OR, did he actually purposefully go against the agreement you had and booked a few days extra just to rub your nose in it?
It can be impossible to tell, but assume the best at all times, that's the key. Often people aren't as cruel and evil as we think they can be, often they're just a bit slow, misunderstood you, didn't think ahead, forgot etc. etc. Did he book his holiday to HURT you, or was he just being his usually goofy self and forgot about the discussion you had? There's a big difference between the two.
While he's away take some time to think about the expectations you have for this marriage and if you are right to expect new houses and cars unless you and him have actually sat down and discussed it and budgeted for it. Maybe a lot of the reason why you feel hurt is because you built up unrealistic expectations. You can't be expecting him to save up for things you and him haven't agreed to save up to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 October 2011):
 It must be nice to be able to just "take off" from life for 6 weeks. I can't say I blame him for wanting too. However, I think it's rather selfish in a marriage to do so. Specially if you two have planned on saving up for a house/home. However, he was like this before you married him, I think he can't see why he can't continue his lifestyle now.
You wrote something that struck a chord:
*quote OP*
I feel so hurt now that we married i thought we could try save for a bigger house or a change of car before we have children -im 32 now.
*end quote*
You thought? Was saving for a bigger house, have a child YOUR plan of one you two have talked about? Or is that what you think the next step should be?
To me it seems like you two are on totally different pages - different books even.
I think you two should have a sit down and talk about what your expectations are for the marriage and the future.
Do I find it unreasonable that you want him gone only 4 week as opposed to 6? Not really, but... in the long run 2 weeks more or less is not going to make a big difference. Seems to me that he is making decisions with out any regards to you whatsoever. And that, is not really "fair" in a relationship, if you ask me.
Maybe he needs to get his travel bug out before he really settles with wife, house & child? ( though IMHO he should have done that BEFORE getting married).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Sounds to me like yes he's going to do what he wants when he wants without regard to your wants needs and desires.
Personally the next time it happens and you have to have a discussion and come to a compromise you should put it in writing so he can't have a memory lapse. I forget things a lot due to my ADHD so we write stuff down all the time...
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 He told you that he was going to go for 5 weeks whether you like it or not from the start. It obviously means a lot to him and why wouldn't it if he works so hard for most of the year in order to do it. He likes to travel, you don't, so why restrict him on something that he's passionate about in life?
At the end of the day, it's only two extra weeks... backpacking isn't that expensive... so I'm curious as to whether if he didn't phrase it so that it seemed like you had no say in the decision- whether you'd even bat an eye lid..?
I suggest not getting stuck up on the principle of the matter... not on this at least. Be supportive instead of disagreeable... he'll love you for it, and if he has half a brain he'll come back refreshed, appreciative and relaxed. THAT'S the time when you explain to him how you'd like him to tackle compromises like this in the future and how you don't like being told what he plans to do whether you like it or not...
Just my 2 cents.
Good-luck aye :)
(FYI- Ya can't explore Australia in 4 weeks! Its just too awesome :P)
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