A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Advice needed please (would be interested to hear a male perspective too) - my bf and I have been together 8 years. Last year, I found out he was posting on adult dating sites, sending/receiving explicit texts (including photos!) to adult text services, and telling a female co-worker that he intended to leave me for her... so we split up despite me loving him with all my heart. We kept in touch and had a long chat about why he had felt the need to do all that stuff - basically, he felt stressed out by work/commuting, was annoyed that I enjoyed my work and had a good circle of friends to socialise with (I always invited him too but he'd turn me down) and felt I didn't support him too well, so he didn't feel close to me, we stopped having sex, and that was his outlet. He said he regretted it, wanted us to get married/have kids... nothing happened with his coworker and she has now left ...so we got back together 6 months ago and it's been better than ever. Or so I thought until I discovered a 'secret' cell phone in his pocket this week. I know I shouldn't have, but I looked at his texts and for the last 3 weeks, he's been using adult text services to text 3 random women, telling them what he'd do to them (sexual stuff) etc and calling them by the cutesy names I thought were reserved for me only! I confronted him... he said he'd felt lonely (hasn't got a good circle of friends where he lives) and bored one night so that's why he did it. I'm so angry! Our sex life had been great, we'd been getting on well, communicating well and he'd said he was really happy. So why do you think he started doing this again? He's destroyed the cell phones and says he won't do it again. But I don't believe him! How can I be sure he won't do it again? My gut tells me he's probably also posting on adult dating sites (as he recently bought a digital camera out of the blue - I have a suspicious mind since all this happened). I love him and want to trust him - am I a fool? What would make you think he really was going to change? Is it me who needs to change? (I feel I've done all I can to be supportive, etc, to remove the things that made him do this the first time, but he still did it again). I love him and want a happy future with him, but not if I can't trust him. Help appreciated!
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female
reader, xcharlottex  +, writes (25 June 2009):
there was a post concerning the same situation a couple of days ago, but from the male perspective (I'd find it ironic if that poster was your husband) I think he can change if he really wanted to, i think you should give him an ultimatum n then ask for him to prove to you that he'll never do it again, if he can find away to prove it to you, and puts the effort in, the relationship is worth saving. Maybe you could go to marriage counselling?
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): (Original poster) Thanks for the advice so far... Do you think he could change if he really wanted to? I just wish he wanted to change for me...for us :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): you have all your answers right there in front of you.
just look at the texts..
what we want is not always what we should get. and for the past eight years you have gotten ..
cheated on ... dated on, texted on...
you know you cant trust him... and are now looking for any reason to trust him so you can be happy with him.
suspicious mind... ???? you need to have a mind of kicking his cheating butt to the curb.
I have a question for you sweetie...
When are you going to say enough is enough?
Is std enough?
Is lying enough?
Is wasting 10 years of your life enough?
Is HIV enough?
When is enough for YOU?
how much is a liar and a cheat worth?
Is he worth your life?
I am not saying this to hurt you.. but only so you can see what we see.
I want you to be safe and be healthy... but this is unhealthy and unsafe... and you seem kind, and loving. So write down those questions...litteraly. and answer them. you may be surpized.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Sorry hun, but if you want a happy future, it's not going to happen if you stay with him. He obviously has a problem staying away from this kind of stuff, could possibly even be addicted. This is not going to go away without some serious counseling (for him).You know the old saying....once shame on you, twice shame on me...well you've been burned twice, don't let it happen any more or it is your fault for staying. He knows he will have to 'do his time' if he gets caught, but he doesn't believe you will ever leave him. Surprize him and do it! Don't look back, look forward, to a brighter future with someone who doesn't do this bullshit and will love cherish you like you deserve.I'm going to say it again....this will continue to happen and he will get sneakier and better at hiding it from you!I've been there, and done that.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Don't trust him! End it before you get hurt (again) x
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