A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:at work, a female joined and she seem quite friendly and we got to know each other. she wasn’t with the company for long as she was going back to college. when I messaged her to ask what course she was doing and if she might come back to work in the summer. got no reply from her. was she just using me until her placement finished? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): I'm actually really surprised you are on here again re-asking this question. Since the advice didn't suit you last time why don't you go right on ahead and message her your annoyance since the reality is that is all you can do and seem to want to be advised to do. And then what? She replies and maybe calls you a weirdo? She blocks you? What are you going to achieve and what are you still achieving holding onto this? Do you think she will understand if you messaged and told her how you felt? Do you think she will care?
If this is honestly something that you are STILL irked about then I think you need some firm of help because I'm sorry it is unusual behaviour to say the least. Have a long think about it and hopefully you will realise it is pointless to care even remotely now.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (1 December 2019):
Using you how by being friendly? What planet do you live on that being friendly with a co worker qualifies as using?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 December 2019):
 No, she was not " using " you. Most probably, she did what most people do when they are temporarily in a new environviment, i.e. they try to be sociable , nice, polite and not to come off as oppositional or antisocial or weird. That would include joining ,and even initiating ! conversations with co-workers, talking about generic stuff, occasionally smiling etc. Having friendly exchanges in daily interactions is considered normal and appropriate in most environments, including work environments, but it does not have to mean or signal anything deeper, more lasting or more meaningful than the social lubricant which it actually is. If you thought that just her being vaguely social, as you describe her , entailed, or should have entailed, a serious, personal interest in you... too bad, that's on you, not on her. If you want to make assumptions based on normal social practices and normal courtesy- suit yourself, then don't whine , though, because other people don't play by your rules.
She did not owe you friendship, she did not owe you being interested, she did not owe you anything. I agree that maybe it would not have killed her to answer your second message with a " yes " or " no " , but a ) you were not friends, just acquaintances for a short , fleeting time, she is not bound to give you updates about her future plans , b ) this shows what you may have missed during your previous exchanges , i.e. that she is not interested in keeping in touch with you and does not want to be bothered.
You don't like to be ignored ? .... Nobody does. Nonetheless, the world at large has no social or moral obligations , toward you or me or anybody, to behave just like your ego, or my ego, or anybody's ego , would dictate.
I have seen too that this is not the first time you write about this episode , I think that's not healthy for you to magnify it in this way beyond what's reasonable and expectable. If you can °decide ° to move on, fine- otherwise you should seek professional help to get finally unstuck from this.
P.S " Not to write in capitals " certainly does not apply to what is mandatory according to grammar and punctuation rules , and common sense too , i.e. capitalizing letters at the beginning of each sentence.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 December 2019):
 You have posted about this at least once before. Why do you keep posting? Do you think you are going to get different answers? I don't see how she used you and I think you are expecting far too much and need to let it go. What does she possibly owe you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2019):
 You are owed nothing! You are owed nothing! The girl was in a new workplace and was friendly, which makes for a happier, more cohesive workplace.
You have a skewed view of people and relationships and I suggest you discuss this with your GP or therapist.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): it says not to write in capitals on the site. people use people, just feel I’m owed, as she was the one who talked to me in the first place and not the other way round. I’m not interested in her romantically, I just don’t like being ignored by people.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 December 2019):
I think you read more into this girl than there was. It sounds to me she was friendly when she was at work and you took it for more. Lots of people add others to their social media without being close friends with them, she answered your initial query sent by messenger, she is under no obligation to continue an online conversation with you.
If you do things differently delete her from facebook and move on. There was no "using" or otherwise here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): "was she just using me until her placement finished?"
What? When? How?
How did she use you? She didn't have to share anything personal about herself with you, if she wasn't dating you.
Maybe you take a woman being friendly with you means more than just being friendly. Asking you for help at work, or if you mentored her; doesn't amount to being used. It's being helpful. Accepting a friend-request on social media doesn't mean you're romantically-connected.
If you're in a supervisory-capacity, maybe you overstepped your boundaries; and went far beyond what's necessary, hoping to gain some kind of favor with her. Maybe you lied or covered for her somehow?
If you're writing for advice, don't you think you need to be more specific about what you're accusing someone of?
Use capitals letters at the beginning of your sentences.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): I’m pretty sure you’ve posted about this at least twice before. You messaged her on Facebook right?
Why are you stuck on this? This is not healthy. She’s not interested in you romantically or in a friendly way. So let her go.
What you can take away from this experience is that you can be friendly and nice to others, and that’s a great personality trait! But if someone doesn’t want to reciprocate or suddenly doesn’t want anything more to do with you, let them go. That’s on THEM, not YOU.
To expect and demand something back is wrong and creepy and ends up making YOU the bad guy. You can’t hold tightly to people, it makes them want to escape you.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Using you for what? Sounds like she was passably friendly with a colleague and now you weirdly think that she owes you something because you were passably friendly back? You didn't even ask her what she was going to college to study, how close could you have been?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019):
it was just general chit chat, what you doing at the weekend sort of thing. we only talked when the opportunity was there. as where I work you don’t get time to socialise with people.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): didn’t ask her face to face, because it slipped my mind. when I asked her if she was going back to college or found a new job by message. she said she was going back to college. then after she replied, asked what course she’s studying and if she might come back to work in the summer. no reply came.
what I mean by used is, talking to me, fake interested, this is where some one pretends they are interested when they aren’t. pretending to be friends, using to pass time, eg until the placement finishes, ghosting.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 November 2019):
 You worked with her, became friendly, knew she was going back to college but didn't even ask what course she was doing? Or if she was coming back in the future? What sort of conversations did you have?
Not sure why you would consider she used you in some way. What I DO feel from your post, however, is that you may need to work on your social skills so you can learn to make friends with more people, including taking an interest in them and what they are doing. Perhaps this is a wake-up call for you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 November 2019):
What was she using you for? Free lunches, did you carry her heavy handbag, did she manipulate you into giving information that would help her with promotions?
If you can tell us what she used you for then we will be able to better answer your question.
...............................
|
