A
female
age
51-59,
*ebbyxxx
writes:Last December I was in the car with my husband and the girl from his works office rang. They were talking for a bit then I heard what sounded like, dont forget to get me something nice for Christmas. My husband said she didn't say that and said, dont forget to get your wife something nice for Christmas. Im sure no woman would say that to a work colleague and he denies he is cheating with her and said to call her up and ask but even if I did and she was cheating with him she would deny it surely. Also two days before Christmas I looked to see what he had bought for Christmas and on the receipt it said two perfumes but there was only one in the bag.i was going to keep my mouth shut and see if I was going to get one as I know he was getting one for our daughter. I couldn't keep it in and told him there was only one bottle there he said it must of fell out or I didn't look properly. He went down stairs came back up and all of a sudden the perfume came out of the bag, I know it was there when I looked so I think it was meant for the office woman or another, he denies he cheated or ever as. I also found out he had changed his personal email password a couple of months ago he said he got told to from Google as it might get hacked he said he told me the password but I know I would of remembered if he had so as he or is he cheating on me do I ring the office woman up 11 months later and ask her. My husband said she's married but I dont believe anything he says anymore and with Christmas coming up its bought it all back again.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (18 November 2015):
 Men can be very hurtful, and sometimes it's just stupidity or forgetfulness. We aren't tuned in to the same things as women are. We sometimes can learn it. Some men remain blithely ignorant of their partners deeper feelings.
However your fears go deeper. I can sense that you feel your marriage is on the edge. I think it is time for a Summit Conference between the two of you.
Sometimes it is easier to do it away from familiar surroundings - perhaps a weekend away somewhere. As it is off peak you can get B&B on the coast for example for not too much money. Sometimes a change of scene and a heart to heart can mark a fresh beginning.
I wish you well.
A
female
reader, pebbyxxx +, writes (18 November 2015):
pebbyxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI once bought him a love heart frame for valentines day and I was hoping he would put a picture in of us together, he didn't I done it in the end. It hurt me so much and his excuse was I should of put a picture in. I bought other photo frames and not once as he ever said to put a picture in of us together again its been me. He as pictures of me on his phone but hardly any of us together. I took one of us on my phone then all of a sudden he took one of us but before that he was taking pictures of the beach. I feel like he doesn't want any evidence we are together.Even when I put some pictures of us together in some nice frames he never commented at all. He came home tonight and stayed out of my way downstairs and normally he would come up and kiss me. Is this leading to divorce for us?
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (5 November 2015):
 It seems like he is trying to make you seem like the forgetful one and make you feel crazy for having them assumptions that he's cheating. I would say, follow your gut, follow your instinct. They won't prove you wrong, if you feel as if there's something wrong, don't ignore it, it doesn't help the situation, you need to resolve it in order to feel ease. It seems like he isn't giving you proper answers, which means you need to find out for yourself. Don't give him the suspicion that you're digging up for evidence, act normal towards him, even though it's frustrating you. But act normal, and look for the evidence. Such as statements from the bank, his routine, phone calls etc. And call the woman and ask her what's the deal. You might end up finding your results
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (5 November 2015):
Like the other poster said, a private detective is the only way to find out for sure.
But maybe go about this another way. Make a point of showing trust in him. Don't watch his moves like a hawk anymore, just tell him "it was insecure of me to doubt you, of course you would never cheat on me, that's not who you are." Or something like that.
Expressing distrust and jealousy usually helps the cheater, not only in validating their own behavior ("Oh my wife doesn't trust me at all so it's no wonder I went to someone else for comfort, after all it doesn't matter what I do" and all that BS) but also in avoiding getting caught because they know you suspect something.
But if you are the sparkling example of what anyone would wish for in a loyal partner, there's no way he can convince himself he's the good guy in this scenario. And guilt eats at people. If his conscience isn't that big, it could allow him to let his guard down long enough for you to get to the truth.
You can't control his actions. Watching him and asking for new passwords and such won't aid you. However, if his actions become increasingly dodgy you can drag him aside and ask him if he would stop insulting your intelligence and tell you what the hell is going on with his colleague, because when you're at that point everyone and the neighbor's donkey knows he's got a mistress.
But until you get there, take a step back, express trust and loyalty and try to keep looking at the situation objectively. That way, if you do come across evidence, you'll be able to process it better and confront him.
Best of luck to you
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2015):
I guess you are asking how you can find out for sure. Maybe a private detective could help. I know that sound a bit extreme, but you don't say if you know anyone at the office you could pump for information.
Do you have a joint bank account? A lot can show up there. Who pays the mobile phone bills? Could you request a list of calls?
Double check unusual behaviour like working late or weekend conferences away.
The suspicion is horrible. You will be watching for anything I'm sure. It's a nasty position to be in.
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